|Reviews for First Drawn|
| Arreana chapter 1 . 2/21/2011
Thanks for your warm welcome. I wanted to return your review, so here I am!
I really liked the characters you introduced (Aure and our nameless male) sound deep and interesting. As of yet I’m unsure of how your first paragraph is meant to link to the characters by the fireplace, but I’m sure Aure, as an Immortal, can sense the ‘hush between days’
I think you could set the first paragraph up a bit better. There was a great foundation for some epic imagery, you evoke the turning of a great planet and the image of silent breathlessness. I think if you punctuate the sentences a bit more (In particular, the first one) it might help to HOOK [note caps ;) ] the reader.
For example: “It was the hush between days. At the top of its arc the world hovered, hesitant upon the threshold of tomorrow.” - for example?
Also a couple suggestions:
“the naked man alongside her…” – this, to me, implies that the man is standing/walking beside her. You might want to change it to “the naked man lying beside her…”
“she lay very still, feigning tiredness still…” – two stills in one sentence, I would recommend cutting the second.
“He would not remember her over and above…” – reads a little awkward to me. You might want to try “He would not cherish[?] her anymore than the others. In a few…”
“…you would have to near kill her to admit it…” – there’s some information missing here, methinks. I’ve tried originally to read “make her admit”, but that also felt awkward. You may just want to try rewording this sentence.
“sting in the tail” – do you mean “tale?”
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your help and hope I have helped in some small way!
| BlackTaurus chapter 66 . 8/2/2010
OK i kinda didn't understand what was going on here could you explain what ash was doing ). After reading this story this is one of favorites your storyline was very unique and original and out of all the characters Elliot was my favorite if you haven't already guessed it lol hey what can i say I'm a sucker for true love. It seems like you are going to do a sequel I'm not sure but i hope so and keep up the good work your a great writer can't wait to see what you come out with next )
| BlackTaurus chapter 65 . 8/2/2010
ok first off thank goodness Dar is finally out of the way very happy about that). Second im going to take it that Elliot and Kattryn got back together which im very happy if they did seem like there love was so strong that they just had to be together.
Really loved how this chapter ended it warms the heart )
| BlackTaurus chapter 56 . 8/2/2010
Yup i didn't think it was possible but i hate Dar even more now he is always in the way chapter though )
| BlackTaurus chapter 52 . 8/2/2010
ya i really don't like this Dar character but what can say i never liked him.
| BlackTaurus chapter 49 . 8/2/2010
lol i knew kattryn was going to make a spur of the moment decision and go to Dar out of anger and hurt and then regret it later after she made it.
| BlackTaurus chapter 45 . 8/2/2010
well can't say much on this except that's what happens when you don't communicate
| BlackTaurus chapter 43 . 8/2/2010
ya i was kinda upset with Elliott in this chapter instead of waiting to talk with Kattryn he goes and makes a dumb decision...well i guess its true what they say love makes you do crazy things.
| BlackTaurus chapter 36 . 8/2/2010
Glad to see love conquered all in this chapter now lets see how long it last ;). Great chapter made me happy in this one
| BlackTaurus chapter 32 . 8/2/2010
I completely understand how Elliott feels and don't blame him at all for how he is acting and no one seems to be be taking his feelings into consideration. All in all great chapter )
| BlackTaurus chapter 30 . 8/1/2010
dang...i knew this was coming it always does
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| lookingwest chapter 21 . 1/10/2010
I like how you divide your parts into "books", because it really makes me feel like I'm reading a book series, and that's kind of cool, it's like different parts of a huge picture. I wasn't sure if I liked it at first but it's warmed up to me :D
My favorite part was how you started this because I used to like Ash and now I'm not so sure, his whole character is just kind of annoying me at the moment o.o So I like that you were able to again, play with our understanding of good and bad, and twist a character, that's really coolio!
from the review marathon (link in my profile)
| lookingwest chapter 20 . 1/9/2010
Hm, I like that you show us Ash's reaction because I get to look at it in terms of Kattryn's initial reactions in the first few chapters-and his to me are pretty realistic too, so great job with that first part!
The third part might seem a little unnecessary, though I suppose it did establish more information about Elliott's actions, but I think the star of this chapter was the third part because of the obvious interactions between Karim and Kattryn and well, the interesting setting of the gallery.
from the review marathon (link in my profile)