|Reviews for Princess Avana and the hunt for the Merethian Orb|
| San chapter 1 . 9/4/2009
I absolutely love your story so far! :D
Keep up the great work and, I am most definitely looking forward to seeing lots more from you.
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 10 . 8/19/2009
'...long leg of the journey.’ Janus suggested
‘I seconded that motion.’ Devlin chirped in with a smirk.
‘I agree’ Cal chortled, ~To review: Standard punctuation with dialogue goes like this: "I'm tired," said the girl. The comma (or question mark or excalmation point; because you never end the dialogue with a period if you are going to continu with who said it) The comma goes withing the quotation marks like this: '...leg of the journey," Janus suggested. 'I second ((not seconded, that's the wrong tense.)) 'I second that motion,' Devlin chirped in with a smirk. ((What is he smirking about?)) 'I agree,' Cal chortled. Chirped, suggested, chortled. What's wrong with said?
Do not forget commas in non-dialogue, either:
We should get an early night shouldn’t we. No I was just stating that I should be one to offer her a place in my tent. Calantha it would be an honour to allow you to stay with me. -These all need commas added:
We should get an early night, shouldn't we. No, I was just saying that I etc...Calantha, it would be etc...
It helped cast shadows all around the camp their dark counterparts dancing behind them as the fire flickered in the breeze. -this is a messy, run on sentence while this one: -To get enough rest for the next day journey.- is a sentence fragment. Try simpler, complete, clear sentences. Clarity matters, florishes can get in the way. Keep is simple.
Your POV keeps skipping around. Pick one character, and look at the events as she sees them. Try staying out of everyone else's mind. You have to write better narrative when you can't just say: Jon realized Marsha was trying to X. You really have to show Marsha trying to X (whatever X is).
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 8 . 7/16/2009
Avana awoke quite early the next morning even before the sun had risen despite having gone to sleep so late. -Too many clauses. They clutter up the sense of the sentence. Keep in neat: Despite having retired so late, Avana woke quite early the next morning. -the rest is padding.
After a quick stretch she sprung up washing her face hastily then moving on to dress herself in a fresh set of riding clothes and a long cloak that covered almost every inch of her body. -Run on sentence. Keep it clear: After a quick stretch, she got out of bed. She washed her face hastily,(and don't forget the COMMA)then dressed in riding clothes and a long cloak. -Don't try to be fancy at the expense of clarity.
'Reluctantly Janus did as he was asked seeing the logic in what he was being told' Needs a comma. 'Reluctantly Janus did as he was asked, seeing the logic in what he was being told.' -It's 'he was told', an action over in the past; not 'esd being told' as if he was acting while the speaker was still telling him what to do.
‘I cannot figure this out I know he is a heavy sleeper but this is ridiculous. I tried shaking him, I tried slapping his face. I even hit him with one of your pillows nothing seems to work.’ Janus said totally bewildered, at what had just happened. -Very badly run-on sentences. ‘I cannot figure this out(Put a PERIOD here and start a NEW sentence). I know he is a heavy sleeper but this is ridiculous. I tried shaking him, I tried slapping his face. I even hit him with one of your pillows(and do the same here, a PERIOD and a NEW sentence). Nothing seems to work(and here you need a comma because you are tying what was said to who said it)’ Janus said,(And the next comma goes here, because the clause "totally bewildered" does not modify "said" AND needs to tied directly to what it does refer to "at what just happened.) totally bewildered at what had just happened.
Try keeping it simple.
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 2 . 6/11/2009
You seem to have trouble with punctuation. This is a poorly puncutated (and run-on) sentence: “Oh Avana you should not worry what others think about you but rather what you think about yourself my love. Do not let what others think or perceive about you to run your life my dear.” her mother uttered in an exacerbated voice as she uncrossed her arms and hugged her daughter tightly to her wishing to herself that she could take away all her daughter’s anxieties in this moment. -Direct address(putting someone's name into dialogue)and interjections(oh) are set off with commas: 'Oh,(comma)Avana,(comma)...about yourself, my love. Do not...run your life,(comma) my dear,(comma) (The final punctuation immediately before the closing quotation marks that are followed by dialogue attribution phrase -he said, said the Queen, etc.- is never a period. It is always a comma, question mark or an exclamation mark.)her mother uttered...hugged her daughter tightly to her(Now, here, you need a period after her. You are changing the subject when you start writing about what the Queen thought. Start a new sentence, like this: The Queen wished she could ...etc.)
There are a lot of sentence fragments and repetition of words: The other painting was one of the sea where sea nymphs and mermaids could be seen frolicking in the surf along with a few dolphins. While a few of the mermaids sat on rocks close by, watching their sisters at play, while they combed their long locks. -the first sentence uses 'sea' twice. I suggest you use Neried for 'sea nymph' (The Nerieds are the daughters of Nereus, a sea god.) The second sentence isn't a sentence, it's a string of clauses and lacks a verb. Sentences require a verb. To turn this into a sentence, try dropping the first 'While': A few of the mermaids sat on rocks, combing their hair and watching their sisters play. -Sat is the verb, and combing their hair etc. is a clause. 'Preferring instead to calmly and peacefully to watch the sun.' -is another example of a sentence fragment.
Here you need a comma after 'there'; the main problem with this example is MAY. This is the wrong tense.
'...go out there’ Avana begged and began to looking for a way to by pass her friend so that she may run away and barricade herself in her room for the rest of the night. -Try: '...that she MIGHT run away...' or even '...that she COULD run away...'
Try simpler and complete sentences and remember to check your punctuation.
One thing really caught my attention: This girl is a princess, right? Where are HER ladies in waiting, maids, governesses, attendants, or chaperones? She seems to have tutors or teachers, but she lacks what I think of as normal Princess Support Staff. Some one must do her laundry, make her bed, scatter the petals in her bath and light all those candles. Does she have fellow students? or is she taught alone? Do grooms accompany her on her rides? It's hard to believe a member of a royal family would have so much privacy. Try reading biographies of either of the Queen Elizabeths, or Mary Queen of Scots to get an idea of how cluttered with attendents a princess's life can be. The Obama children now have attendants. All right, they have bodyguards, but they don't get to run around alone.
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 1 . 5/21/2009
PROLOUGE -It's PROLOGUE.
First sentence: Serenity my beautiful and beloved homeland, a place of great beauty and great mystery,a place where magical creatures roam free and nothing is as it seems. This is not a sentence. A sentence has a subject and a verb. Where's the verb? Try this: Serenity(and you need a comma here to match the one after homeland), my beautiful and beloved homeland, IS (here is the verb) a place of great beauty and great mystery,a place where magical creatures roam free and nothing is as it seems.
Last sentence: A big ball has been planned, many guest have arrived but little does she know that soon her whole worldis about to be turned upside down. This is a sentence but it is run-on and jumbled. It's easier on the reader is there is one idea per sentence. Try this: Many guests have arrived for the long-planned ball. Little does Avana know that soon her whole world is about to be turned upside down. (There is a subgenre of fiction called Had I But Known, abbreviated HIBK. It's a cliché.)
Try putting one topic in a paragraph. Here, the first pargraph could be about Serenity, the second about Sophia, and the last about Avana, rather than having one long and confused block of text.