Hm. I'm scared by the previous chapter, how scathing and irrational and all-around nasty Ly was and how Mal just faced it with tears and love and very little anger. I really really hope Alicia doesn't turn out to be...I don't know - just don't kill everything you've built, because so far everything has been lovely T-T

You know what would be fantastic? If Alicia turned into a villain. My GOD that would be so cool.

While I am afraid that Alicia will turn out to be a mary-sue, it's good to know that she is aware of how weirdly good she is. I also liked how Mal didn't want her to succeed at catching the fish.

I like Nator's family - especially their kids. "Apologize at once!" XD

I really like Mal and how you've portrayed her, although I'm a little apprehensive about her/Alicia. It makes me a little nervous to read how she was not liking the whole situation yet by the end of this chapter she referred to the nine years as "short."

Holy crap, Farol's description kind of...wow. I LOVE IT!

I really really appreciate that he is not just a too-happy power freak sort of person, and that he realizes just how ridiculous he appears. The "normal" side of him...I really loved how he asked if there was someone else, that vulnerability.

It's wonderful how you're developing Mal, and that she isn't an annoying "EVERYTHING is all my fault" sort of character. Some of it apparently is her fault.

I like your currency, although I don't get why something with a hole in it would be more valuable than something without a hole.

I also really liked how Mal felt awkward - it's very easy to relate to - and how smoothly you described the bakery scene. I love eating scenes where I know what the characters are consuming, and that the food is common. It sounds like something someone ordinary would get - no exotic food-sort-of-thing with a special spice from This-Place and the fruit of the Mumbo-Jumbo tree. The whole scene made me smile.

I like the realistic greed and pettiness from Farol - I imagine a sort of tall, uppity Engishman who wears purple pinstripe suits and shiny shoes and has meticulously styled black hair and crosses his legs while he drinks tea.

Only a couple of things: first, I hope that whatever happened to her sister actually IS her fault. Second, ants don't have stingers, but some of them secrete some sort of chemical when they bite (being bitten by an ant burns/stings for 5 minutes, itches for about 2 minutes, then goes away. At least, for a certain type of black ant. Red ants I'm sure cause more and lasting damage).

I liked the fact that she felt sick and failed to protect everyone. Also, the image of frothing at the mouth is graphic, gross, and undignified, which is great coming from a main character.

YES, the main character is short. No tall, stunning beauty. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how sick I am of gorgeous main characters that regard their beauty as banes or are endearingly naive and adorably innocent.

I really like the modern twist in this, and your explanation of elf vs. half-elf. How the man behaved was great - my brother does that sort of thing all the time and a lot countries do that, too.

Giant ants. I loved that. Wonderfully unconventional.

This is a very nice first chapter.

I'm too new to the writing game to offer any meaningful advice, so all I can really say is:

When is the next one coming out? :P

Again, I liked how this chapter reveals more back story. Both Mal and Alicia are interesting characters. Hopefully though Alicia won't turn into a mary-sue, like a lot of other characters who are hybrids do. This chapter seemed very short to me. I hope you continue to write this, because from what I've read it seems to have a lot of depth and good thought put into it.

I like the back story in this chapter! The beginning and the end of this story is very good. As I was reading it, it made me go aww. I also thought the little story inside of the story was interesting-though I have yet to see how it relates to the main story. Another thing I like is that Mal and Alicia are finally showing emotion towards each other, instead of being like cardboard characters, and it was nice to see Mal's relationship with her sister.

Ooh, I like how they take a tour of the town, they gives me an even better idea of it an their world. The palace sounds interesting – I’d like a tour there too!

the best bit though was when seh stuck her hand through teh gate and said “mine…” lol, that was awesome. And the fit was well described: what she was saying is scary. I wonder if its linked to the evil in the forest? I liked the scene of them hiding out it the alley too, Mal coming over all maternal XD even though she hasn’t been very affectionate so far, it seemed to fit. nice character development for her and well described and thought out.

“tacky orange chairs” I wasn’t sure if you meant tacky as in sticky, or tacky as in unfashionable?

“Along the walls were tacky orange chairs, in which sat two vampire women dressed in all black whispering to each other; a group of three men, consisting of one blue-green troll and two hairy human-like creatures that could only be werewolves, in a quiet discussion about something Mal was sure was stupid men talk; and one human male sitting alone looking rather cross” For me, this was too long, and would be better split into several sentences

“There wasn’t even elevator music. How lame.” I woulda thought elevator music would have been lamer?

Hmm. Weird is exactly the right word for Farol. If he loves her, why does he send her on life threatening missions? He doesn’t actually seem to care ofr her at all. He actually seems quite insane. But it was interesting to get a bit more backstory :D

Whilst I liked your description of the city, what I thought was lacking was a description of where the city was: on an island t sea? On top of a mountain? In a desert plain? Amongst grassy fields?

“But the Empire had not had a war for the last three centuries or so./ The road leading into the city was as wide as the Gate itself, and well preserved, undergoing small maintenance every week or so to make sure it was not weathered out” I didn’t like the repetition of ‘or so’ here.

“On her first trip here, when Mal was a little over fifty years, had been overwhelmed with all the color,” missing word? Maybe *she* had been overwhelmed?

I love how you describe the smells in the air, it gave me an immediate and strong sense of being in that city. And the horticultural vamp was cool, really fun :) I like you you mix and change the stereotypes there.

“Fashion sense was (generally) a matter of the individual (there were always those people who judged based on what someone wore), but it was a well-known stereotype that vampires preferred the Gothic look.” The brackets look awkward to me, I think you could incorporate these elements into the body of the text quite easily though.

“If you want lively, you should go talk to my sister, over there” but I thought the point being made about the vamps wares were that there were *more* lively than expected?

It was cool how the vamps fangs grow as she gets hungrier during the conversation, lol: creepy!

“Neither is named until they unite, and they get the same name. It’s just complicated and unnecessary, I think.” Do you mean that this process, of waiting a year to name, is complicated and unnecessary? That what it sounds like you are saying, but that sounded odd to me.

“An ogre rode by quickly on his bike, stopping by them” didn’t like the repetition of by. Here you could change one to past?

Ooh, the newspaper was cool!

“The way became a bit of a blur to Mal, whose feet were suddenly put on autopilot.” I felt this bit was a little unnecessary? Like you didn’t want to describe the rest of the trip? If so, just don’t, and just jump to them arriving eg at lat they arrived or when they arrived or something?

There were a few things I found weird with this chapter. First off, I was found it weird that Mal'ethil had only been with Alica for a day. I got the impression that they had spent much more time together. Another thing was I found the transition between the three scenes at the beginning to be a little bit awkward. Other then that, your character seem to be very consistent. Maybe this is just me but Mal'ethil and Alicia seem to be very similar.