Reviews for Mal'ethil
Eurypon chapter 1 . 6/10/2009
It seems a detail, but I like how you included a little pronunciation guide at the end. For me that says that you mean business, that you take this world of yours serious. That makes me want to take it serious too, although I am not a great fan of fantasy stories.

Another detail: you introduce a lot of strange names and terms (I'm really not one to speak since I like doing that also), but you do it so naturally that it never becomes a burden.

I liked the set up of the story. The beginning with the flight on the bird was very well done, but it got even better towards the end. I liked how the characters were introduced, how they each got their own voice and how they interacted. The human girl, Alicia, understanding Arthish introduces a bit of a mystery. Always a good thing if you want people to read on. No, I'm not forgetting the giant ants, it's just that I'm far more interested in Alicia.

Your writing style is very good. I think there are a few grammatical problems, but nothing very serious. A few of the sentences seemed a little stilted to me, which is a bit of a shame because it detracts the attention from the story.

All in all a very promising, well executed opening chapter.


"She patted him, and he ruffled its feathers." He ruffled his feathers.
xXxStraight-HardcorexXx chapter 2 . 6/9/2009
There is nothing about this story I don't like. The flow of the words and everything it's very well written! Each of the characters are unique and everything. You easily describe the death of Harold without being too descriptive, which was excellent. I'm liking the concept of the story so far so good job there. I didn't really look at the grammar and stuff because I usually don't catch it(because I automaticly correct things in my mind without thinking), so yeah.

*Now the Personal Review*

Besides all of that, the death seeing was touching for the fact that Harold died by protecting his children. Oh I'm looking forward to see what the connection is between Alicia and Mal. IS Alica actually Mal's sister? Or is she the real reason why the giant ants attack? I don't believe she is dead though, so yeah. Keep up the amazing work. Already one of my favorite story and author. Keep up the good work!
mikey magee chapter 2 . 6/8/2009
The opening didn't make me want to read on. It started out a little passively for me. Maybe have a little more action, like start out with Dialog instead of description.

Try to avoid the use of adjectives in the dialog mechanics, like "She said delicately". It doesn't convey anything about the speaker's speech, and it stops the flow.

I liked the ending. It made me want to read on, I felt bad for Harold.

Nice job
Danielle Gin chapter 2 . 6/7/2009
Your descriptions are excellent. Throughout the fighting I was able to get not only a good feel of it, but also a good visual image. This is never easy to do, and yet you’ve done a really great job with it in this chapter. I didn’t notice any grammatical mistakes or anything like that. You left a good cliffhanger, though. Having the kids being taken by the ants sets up the story pretty well for different directions, plot wise. I’m sufficiently interested in seeing where this story will lead! Great job and happy writing!
TymCon chapter 2 . 5/30/2009
Wow good chapter! Very menacing.
Shoob chapter 2 . 5/30/2009
Nice action scene. One question though, you say that Harold was out of ammo but resumes shooting after a bit; was the gun just empty and he just had to reload from the extra bullets in his pocket? If so you might want to clarify that. Otherwise it's good, and the end of the chapter is pretty ominous. I look forward to seeing what Mal does next.
Ersa Crayold chapter 2 . 5/29/2009
Stories Easy Fix

"of waning moon overhead" should be "of the waning moon overhead". Since the moon's name isn't "waning".

"Nearly everything he hit did just as the ant Mal shot did: blew into dust." might be better as "Nearly everything he hit followed the same fate as the one Mal shot: it blew into dust". It sounded kind of awkward originally.

Overall you have fantastic grammar and punctuation. I really liked your names for characters and objects too.
Shoob chapter 1 . 5/28/2009
Nice introduction. You've got a plot hook and a good amount of setting and background information slipped in there quite neatly. The bit at the end of this chapter with the girl raises an eyebrow and I'd like to see where you're going with that. You should definitely eep writing this.
LaFarfalla chapter 1 . 5/25/2009
I love your descriptions in the beginning with the woman on the bird and then of the woman herself. Mal'ethil is cool, especially when she stares that guy down. Overall, this is a very good beginning to a fantasy story. I definately like the way you created your own world but you introduced it to us a little bit at a time. Nice job!
Samuel Harrisson chapter 1 . 5/25/2009
To be honest, I came here with low expectations. I am not one to enjoy fantasy. But this, this was really good!

The opener did not catch my interest. My interest started picking up when the human answered the door.

I loved the ending, I really want to read more! (are you going to post another chapter?)

When it came to the scene, I enjoyed it. I like how you mixed humans with elves and "half-elves."

There was no awkward moments in the dialog, it flowed really well.

The way you first worded Mal'ethil Gysse'lylth was a little odd, you might want to work on that. Although you described Mal'ethil Gysse'lylth well, maybe if you worked on the flow there. It was not the most interesting... The human seemed so stereotypical (in a good way! I am just making fun of humans!)

I liked your writing style, it was a sort of mixture between the stereotypical fantasy writing with regular writing, and I liked that! I usually dislike the stereotypical fantasy writing, but yours was great!

The plot was quasi-cliched. I certainly enjoyed it! And one thing I wanted to point out was this line: "Humans were all the same. Scared of those they didn’t understand." That was a great witticism!

The technique was great, once again, not the stereotypical fantasy writing. Congrats, I enjoyed it greatly!
TymCon chapter 1 . 5/25/2009
Hey The Lucy Program. I love youre opening. It starts the story on an interesting start with the woman riding on the bird. It was very well written and exacuted. The dialougue was perfectly exacuted and flowed very quickly. Its also good how you showed the worlds outlook with the dialouge. The charachters are very interesting. The main charachter is very intriguing and a new perspective then usually in fantasy storylines. I like the plot so far. It has just the amount of mystery and imformation. The girl is also very interesting. Good luck writing. I have you on alert now. Is it okay if i dont do this long of a reveiw the next time?:P
Danielle Gin chapter 1 . 5/24/2009
I am in awe of the world you’ve created. It seems to have a lot of details to it, but you display them very well. It’s not too much information at once, so that the reader can understand it well enough, but it seems to flow together at a natural pace. Also your characterization was really well done! I got a very good feel for the main character – that she was a very strong, independent creature, and also that the man was really in desperate need. There was nothing in this first chapter that I didn’t like, other than one part. “. . . the approximate size of four feet and two inches tall, and fairly slender . . .” I feel that being a little less specific on this part might help. Other than that though I thought this was fabulous! I can’t wait to see where this story will lead! Great job and happy writing!
spartasghost chapter 1 . 5/24/2009
It's a good start to the story. Nothing too complex, but a lot of the conversation was done very well, and the world which you've presented the reader in seems to be an interesting one. Good work!
RawrEllieMayMightBeADinosaur chapter 1 . 5/24/2009
Wow. I think that pretty much covers it.

I absolutely LOVED this.

You're such an excellant writer. I really liked the way you described everything. I loved the idea altogether.

Great work [:
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