I found Mal's anger believable; Farol struck me as a bit insensitive in his response to what she had to tell him. I'd probably have been angry, too.

I'm liking Alicia, because she seems pretty practical so far, but I can also sense that there's something more - like when she said "I'm just a girl" like she was trying to convince herself of something.

-Othello

"They didn’t expect the horde that came out of the east." - I'm a bit confused, because I thought Harold said they came from the east. This makes it sound like that's not the case at all.

I like the battle, because I thought you described it really well. I was able to picture everything clearly. Also, I'm sort of envious because I'm terrible at action sequences, haha.

This chapter piqued my interest. I really want to see what's up now.

-Othello

Review Game!

I was a little taken aback by the blend of modern and not so modern (jeans and cars vs horse-drawn carriages and wells, etc.) because I was definitely getting a vibe that pointed toward the not-so-modern. But I think I'll get used to it as I keep reading, and it could be interesting to see developed.

I like how you didn't just dump all of the information about the "half-elves" and their conflict with the humans at the beginning like a lot of stories do, because it allowed us to just get straight to the action. Sometimes those huge infodumps can definitely turn people off of a story.

-Othello

Well, I did like the descriptions in this chapter. It was just the right amount. Not enough to suffocate the rest of your writing but just enough to paint an adequate picture in the reader's mind. Also, I have to say I liked the way you described things. I always admire people who can write descriptions well. I usually don't see it as necessary [partly because I can't do it to save my life] but it's always nice to be able to paint a picture in your head when reading something.

As for the dialogue, I don't know why but for some reason it seemed a bit odd in this chapter. Not so much the actual content but the way you chose to format it. I can't quite put my finger on it but it felt a bit all over the place and not as neat as it should have been. But other than that, nicely done.

YES! 100th Review! Woo! Lol!

Probably more exciting for YOU than for ME. (It's your story after all.)

Anyway, I loveloveLOVE this chapter, I love every chapter, your story is AMAZING. Please, please update ASAP! I want to- no, NEED, to know what will happen next!

-Sweet Lady Genevieve

Hey, 99th review :) I'm saving the 100th for SLG, who wants it, haha.

I really liked this. It was a bit longer than you've been writing, which is good. Lots of description, and I'm super fascinated with everything in this world of yours. The customs of arthi'al/elf as well as Kaline Desert are super unique.

Also I loved the scene at the river with Alicia and the rocks. Was she using them for skipping stones, or just to have some fun? I loved when she got embarrassed for having caught the fish. It makes her a more believable character. I just love her, though.

Good job, and please update soon :)

xoxoxox, Jared

This time I'm going to go for the big picture, if it doesn't get me kicked out of reviewing. T.T

It seems you've fixed a lot of the problems I mentioned earlier! (*sigh* And here I thought I was being helpful...) There is more description, more connection, it flows nicely, the characters seem to stand out.

As for characters in general, I am pretty impressed. Mal's anger at Farol makes sense and is realistic, Warwing, the good old chap comes in to try and calm her down. One problem. What's the deal with Alicia? I don't care if she's the coolest, most emo odd little child the world has ever seen, she should be more sad that her entire family, like, DIED. Maybe even cry, no? Ah well. Farol is a creepy, uncaring little elf. Makes me want to punch him myself. :P It seems to be the issue with fantasy characters. They just don't care. At least with Mal, I can tell she was raised not to give a roc's feather about human life.

Like I said, your flow is much better. The passing of time is more realistic, I can see the events more clearly in my head and makes me want to read on without even pausing, really.

Dialogue? You continue to do a good job. No annoying little adjectives that say how a person said something. Words like: "murmured" are used sparingly. Often that's a big issue for me, so congratulations on slipping through my radar.

Very good job all in all. I am happy someone has a roc for a character! I love big birds.

-Katie (Rolo)

Here again!

Scene and Character: Your characters of Warwing and Mal are cool- they remind me overall of a fantasy-style ghostbusters. I've seen things like that before, especially in manga, but I am new to it in story form so can cope. The two are believable, and through their dialogue I get to know them like I've been fighting alongside them killing ants for years.

Scene and Action: All I can say is: Exciting! I can see the fight in my my mind like a movie. Admittedly, I cannot see it as clearly than if you included more description, but this hardly matters when I am worried for the characters' lives like this! (To make your readers appreciate it even more, I suggest more description in certain places. Slip an extra sentence in here or there, but don't go overboard.)

I have some light suggestions reading it through, and hope they will help.

I think you need a rewrite. This is not to say I do not like it, it is to say I think it will be even better once you do!

Sometimes, looking over it, your transitions do not exactly flow. For example. She's unconscious one sentence and the very next sentence she's flying with Warwing?...This would not fare good under critical eyes, so I'm just trying to catch it for you.

How to fix it? Do not make your sentences so stiff- It makes it read a bit too fast. There are a lot of one-liners in there you could load up with description or internal narrative without making it boring. Lastly, I recommend that you separate the scene where she faints and the scene where she wakes up. It is common. Just put a few dots or something. ;

Reading on!

Sweet! A roc! Yay!

(Back to normal reviewing...)

First Impression: Your opening was excellent in that it did its job-that is, I wasn't thrust into backstory or description. You started with dialogue, and it wasn't pointless dialogue either. It revealed something about what was going on, (this girl is unhappy about helping a human. Why?) so naturally I was interested.

Scene and Story: This was well written over-all- I am impressed you were able to make a fantasy story include such high tension and action. Normally fantasy is very, very long and boring to read at first. Your dialogue was believable, and at times funny. I think you cracked me up at least a few times during Mal and Warwing's debate over transportation. Now, I know it is only the first chapter, but I am feeling left out as to where in the world these characters are. I have no idea whether they are on earth or not, what part of this world they are in or even what the farmlands around this cabin look like. I realize it is only the first chapter, my questions may be answered later, but perhaps a sprinkling more of scenery.

Scene and Format: Thanks for the pronunciation guide, it was helpful and albeit cute, though in an actual novel something like that would belong at the end of the book. (I myself do this, no worries.) I am curious as to why you make Warwing speak in italics. Is it necessary, really? It may very well make sense, but I know and understand he speaks in a different language whether or not italics are present. (*shrugs*) Maybe its just me. As for format overall, you did an excellent job making it short and sweet. I am drawn into the story, must read more, aka the usual.

I have one structure complaint. A few sentences are kind of, I don't know how to put it, but questionable. Like: "She was the owner of the big brown eye that had observed Mal earlier."

It seems you could have easily written it more simply, like: "Mal remembered those big brown eyes from earlier."

Regardless, well done! (And please ignore my spelling I suck at it. :P)

-Katie

To the favorites bin!

From the Review Game:

I just noticed the pronounciation guide at the bottom. Not to be picky or anything, but I would find it more understandable if you just did phonetic pronounciations for each word instead of referring to rhymes, other words,etc. It's just easier that way!

Nice beginning. the opening dialogue is a good question that points to some of the themes you might later explore in the story.

Good elements of "showing" not "telling" - for instance, how you don't outright tell the woman's name, but let the reader discover it through dialogue.

Overall, very clean, very little grammatical mistakes. Good use of punctuation (especially the dashes.)

Keep up the good work! I look foward to reading more - I like how you set up the conflicts already to keep the story going.

You know, I would so not be surprised if Alicia ended up not being human. But I'm with Mal - I'm glad she's showing normal, human childlike tendencies. I like the Shom family and your description of the houses in Kaline and Zircof. Lol, "Who names these places, anyway...?" That's pretty funny. :]

Poor Mal, sounds like she has a pretty crappy relationship with her sister. But her sister sounds like a b-tch, so I guess it's okay.

Update soon plz!

Your month names are cool. I would never have been able to come up with stuff like that XD. The dialogue between Mal and Alicia at the beginning was funny. Seems Alicia can be sarcastic. That's good. :)

Why did all the fairies leave? OMG. You can't just say "back before the fairies left" and not explain. And 200k years is a long time! lol. How long do fairies live? Forever I'm sure...

The vision thing was indeed very random. But I think Mal is starting to become protective of Alicia, like good mothers are. It makes me happy for some reason. :]

Oh man, I love Farol! XD. He's so funny! And Alicia being scared of him is even funnier. My favorite line: "Mal just barely resisted the urge to rip Alicia from his arms and punch him in the face." I couldn't stop laughing xD.

I'd be embarrassed too if I were Mal and had dated Farol :P Lolz. I think Mal's lying, and she did love Farol. Actually I think she might still like him. She's just being a bit b*tchy.

And ughh, more hinting at the backstory! I want to know what happened!

Great chapter. I so would love to live in Drael.

I liked the pacing of this chapter, because it was appropriate for the content. One minute, the pacing was leisurely, and the next, everything seemed to jolt into action, matching what was happening in the story. I think this was achieved through lexis that is associated with tension: wild, angry, sharply, run etc.

:)

Something else I liked is the reluctant (at least on Mal's part) bond established between Mal and Alicia, because it causes Mal to act out of her character, and makes the story more interesting!

Update soon!

~ Sakina x