|Reviews for The Agents of Alcarion: Academy|
| gigglebug chapter 1 . 1/30/2010
just letting you know I'm reading and I'm getting to the freebie review. woo!
*will give a proper review in a bit*
| No not really a troll chapter 1 . 12/6/2009
I just started reading your fic, and I figure I'll review every few chapters with thoughts and things like that. I hope that won't be too annoying.
Anyways. It's nice to see a fic start with something that will grab your attention and almost force you to continue reading so you can see what happens next, y'know? I don't see that too often on this site, so it was really nice to see here.
I also like how, so far, your Latina family seems to be very much grounded in reality, instead of the usual dream family with only superficial, easily solved problems. I don't see that often now either. The most popular thing to do is to just remove the family from the picture, so I'm eve happier to see them involved here, even though I have no idea as to the future of the fic as of yet.
Anyways, I'll stop rambling.
| Elennar chapter 2 . 11/13/2009
I liked this opening a lot, although I've read an opening of this sort once before in a piece we had in my class 10 english class. But still, I find it funny. One minor suggestion though: try changing 'six months later' to a shorter period, like say a few weeks or so. That way, it'll be more dramatic, and hence, funnier.
Well, in some parts, I found this chapter to be somewhat boring and cliched. I mean, this opinion stands solely on THIS chapter, but it sounds like yet another high school drama with your usual histrionic teens. If it's meant to be this way-then, feel free to ignore my opinion on this particular issue.
My favourite line was this:
"...and an imaginary choir of angels echoed through the stairwell to validate that he had really been standing there just moments ago"
Although the situation itself is cliched, that part did make me laugh out loud!
Oh, a suggestion, could you make Chris say "Chill" instead of "Chillax", please? Chillax is one of those words that really, really bug me. And from what I gather, the use of 'chillax' isn't particularly vital to plot development/characterisation; so I believe changing it shouldn't be a problem.
Another one, "it went in one floral hoop pierced ear and out the other." I think it would flow better if it were, "it went in through one..."
Something screams 'She's-all-that-esque' bet at me the moment I read that last bit! Whether or not it actually IS a bet, I still think you should consider changing it, as it sounds, again, very cliched.
| RedHood101 chapter 1 . 11/8/2009
Very intersting! I
| Bookits chapter 7 . 10/4/2009
WOW! AWESOME! I have a question though, if her name is Raquel, then why is her nickname Ita?
| Bookits chapter 5 . 10/4/2009
*gasp* Oh dearest me! Where did she go? And where did the monsters go? This is SO COOL!
| Bookits chapter 1 . 10/4/2009
Sounds pretty good so far. Keep it up!
| Nicki BluIs chapter 14 . 8/30/2009
T_T Ita why? Sigh. Pride is horrible. Oh well. I'm still on your side, girl...
| Nicki BluIs chapter 9 . 8/16/2009
Overdue freebie the second!
This chap didnt feel info dumpy at all! Yay! There was alot of information but I guess since maudin wasn't realy lecturing Ita and he wasn't giving her a full on tutorial, it didn't feel overwhelming.
I also liked the chinks in Lira's character. Like the way she reacts to reprimands and stuff. Adds depth to her :)
| Nicki BluIs chapter 4 . 8/16/2009
Overdue freebie review!
I forgot the magnitude of Chris' douche-like behaviour. It made me hate him all over again. Jen was pretty bitchy too. I tihnk your stong point would have to be charcterization. Each character has a unique voice and attitude so they are easy to identify with. Becca is still my fave :D
The on thing i could think to say about this chapter is how dense does one have to be to truly tihnk that those were costumes? I mean if they totalled the gym they can't really be disquised children right? Unless the monsters look really fake... or they have a really great costume shop in town...
| Counting Petals chapter 1 . 7/19/2009
I like that you didn't go into a big, long explanation about everything at the beginning and instead worked it all in as you went, because it made for a much more exciting beginning. A huge infodump at the beginning would've just bogged that all down.
I also like Ita, because she seems like a completely realistic awkward young teenager, and that's a character a lot of us can relate to.
-Othello, from the Review Marathon (See the link on my profile for details.)
| Carissa Silverheart chapter 4 . 6/14/2009
I'm very interested to see where this story 's
well written and has an interesting plot so far, kudos.
| B. J. Winters chapter 1 . 5/29/2009
Freebee for you. This was a fun read over lunch - not too heavy, with just the right amount of description and characterization.
One thing I would suggest would be to write in active, rather than passive voice:
Example: The Captain was thrown against the wall and what little air she was maintaining was crushed from her lungs. If the transport modules were functioning, the trip would have been much smoother as well.
She's running - but you lose the impact with all the "was"/"were"...Rewritten: The Captain was thrown against the wall and what little air she held fled her lungs. She longed for a transport module - anything to make the trip smoother and less painful.
Again with word choice/example: Just my luck, she thought.
Is that really what she's thinking 'oh shucks'? I would have expected more frustration, more angst...maybe a swear word. This just appears too calm and accepting.
Example: The West Sector was finally in sight and the Head General’s office was on the top floor
Rewritten with more action verbs: Ahead, the West Sector appeared (came into view) with the Head General's office just a stairwell away.
I did like how you used the fantasy element to set the setting. Nice peppering of terms (time, location, rank) and how it still flowed. That's tough to do without bogging down the flow. You managed well.
Your MC is interesting. The fact you chose a female makes this original. Good luck.
| Aqua-eagle Sunshine chapter 1 . 5/29/2009
I think the first few sentences were good because they caught my attention...but i found as i continued reading that i was starting to lose interest...and had to go back and read some of because i wasn't taking it in. This could be because i'm not a great fan of sci-fi.
I instantly liked that the Captain was a female. It's good the way you got straight into it...with explaining too much about the systems and stuff instead letting us find out ourselves.
| Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 5/25/2009
[She also would rather just step through a hole in space-time and arrive at her destination, but that was a forbidden spell in the Space Station to maintain privacy. To ensure that it wasn’t used, a device streamed pulses of energy that disrupted any attempted portals to any location on board. For a moment she questioned the rule.]
This isn't an info-dump by any means, more like a slip, which is better, but why was it necessary? The eternal excuse is extra worldbuilding, but exposition's don't really need that just yet - they should be more aimed at plot, characterization, or setting (which I suppose applies in this case, since you're giving a fact about the Space Station). Could you combine the sentences? Take out "that was a forbidden spell in the Space Station to maintain privacy" and then connect the next sentence (without the it)?
[She didn’t have the means to fix it despite having some knowledge on it. Just breaking it was a hard thing to accomplish.]
Why would she consider it, then? Isn't she in a rush? I suppose if she'd been able to, fixing it would've been faster than racing across the station, but I see this more like another one of your technology info-slipping. The previous sentence by itself, followed by the "Just my luck" line emphasizes her situation more (in my opinion).
[seemed attached to the very air]
The use of "very" makes it seem like she's amazed, since this is third-person limited. She shouldn't be, though.
[His status was clear by the row of badges across the breastplate of his black uniform showing the ranks he went through to reach where he was.]
The part after the line - is it needed? Most people know what the badges mean, and you stated he was Head General, so of course he worked up ranks.
[A kind mentor or, should one choose to be foolish, a deadly enemy.]
Don't see yet how he could be a "kind mentor," but I suppose I'll be shown this sometime.
Just a thought :P - Advisors sound awfully like something I've read before.
[“Captain, our job is to protect and preserve life anywhere and everywhere. King’s job is to destroy that life and he was here so we needed to shift our reconnaissance here. There may be few agents in the region, but as long as there is life, we must be here to protect it.”]
Where have I heard that before? :P
[“Because we’re the only ones who would,” she muttered.
“Captain, you are out of line.” The softness in his eyes vanished. Her pale cheeks reddened.]
I like this part because it's not "blah blah info" and shows something about this order of theirs for interpretation.
[Shai—” He paused as the Captain tensed and then gave a brief nod. ]
Bit anvilicious, but it does hint at some backstory.
[Most had partners nearby for assistance.]
I already have advanced knowledge about your story, but if I didn't, that was a subtle slip.
BTW - :P Were Kit and Nita there? :O Does this station have the blue food? XD
[Only once before had she felt so useless.]
Hm, could this possibly relate to "Shai-"?
[With one last longing look at her surroundings]
More of a blanket suggestion, but I think you could be more specific in cases. Citing examples helps more with picturing things happening, and can be more personal to flesh out the characters. Just because you're afraid of longer length doesn't mean you shouldn't add - if it's interesting or good, it won't matter.
[The automatic thrusters switched on and the shuttle’s navigation set a course to a pre-determined safe zone.]
Good to know you didn't just forget about the thrusters and mentioned them again.
[The Captain could see the ring of dark creatures]
O The Heartless! Don't look 'em in the eye! :P
... 13? ROFL. I'm commenting with more than technical stuffs. Deal! XD Please, that whole paragraph reminded me of - is shot -
[More of my luck, she thought.]
[She slammed the lever forward returning power to the shuttle and frying the monster in its tracks]
Missing a comma after "forward?"
I think the first scene was a lot better this time, mainly because I didn't find it troublesome to finish. So kudos.
[mp3 player in her ear hidden]
I get what you mean, but isn't that worded a tad weird? Her earphones should be in her ears, not the mp3 itself.
[Gorgeous, popular, gorgeous, athletic, and gorgeous.]
-computer is hax0red by RS-
-RS takes control of Charlie-
RS: In English, a colon may be followed either by a capital letter or by a lower case letter, depending on usage; where speech follows, a capital letter is used; where an acronym or proper noun follows, a capital is used; otherwise a lower case letter is used.
[Who could possibly not be madly in love with Chris Duval? she thought. It should be illegal to be that bangin’! Can’t wait to see what summer does to him…]
"Hey, you're an 18 year old! What about it?" :P
Oh, okay. I almost went "WTF" at sudden info-dump on the friends, but then saw the segue way last paragraph, haha.
[About seven years ago Marisol was in an accident that Ita always blamed herself for.]
Forgot it was Ita for just a second and connected that to ... whatever her name was before. Hm, a parallel, perhaps?
[She sat next to Marisol who looked up and smiled with big brown eyes dancing with giddiness.]
Comma before "who?"
[Her father left a few months after Marisol’s accident]
Aw. That makes it verified angst. [not being sarcastic, btw].
[and the event he wouldn't be accompanying her to.]
I always like on rereads how you can spot foreshadowing.
[“Something remarkable,” she said while inspecting herself. “Something to make me special.”]
I still like that part. :P
Hm, I suppose the last line functions enough as foreboding, and the shooting star as a cliffhanger.
Well, good job. :P
- Dai'stiho, Sesshy