|Reviews for A Kiss Beneath the Candles|
| Alice Carrie chapter 1 . 7/21/2010
Aww! Especially the last scene! I wish I could stumble upon those restaurants!
| Chancee chapter 1 . 5/31/2009
This was very cute fellas. And Sam thank you for asking me to read it. Now, you know I do just as you ask in the review department, so you and Trey get ready...
The over all style of writing you chose was nice but it would be a lot more powerful and engaging if it was first person. In the first paragraphs, Michelle is doing a lot of thinking to herself and at first glance I was confused who was speaking, Michelle or the author. So make sure that you put her thoughts in italics or something to help the reader out.
3rd paragraph I got stopped in my reading with the wording, so when the author is saying something about the name it would read better if written - '...Michelle was used to...' I hope you understand that. Read that sentence if you don't.
4th paragraph, who was saying 'Damn it!' the author or Michelle? This is where FPPOV is more effective.
The slow build was cute considering this is a life experience I went through so you guys are either mind readers or someone has experienced this so I was pulled in just because I've been there. Good job with the 'falling in love with a co-worker theme' it's been done yes, but it is still true to real life.
Okay now when Tyler is taking her home, you could help with bringing the reader into the silent car scene. Maybe describe it better. I say that because the part where Tyler says '...were you live...' did not flow naturally for some reason. I can't put my finger on it, but look at it again.
I thought it was cute with the '...eyes smiling...' however it felt forced, since he was alone he could just go ahead and scream out loud. Watch out for that.
Now their getting ready for that morning and the awkwardness of their silence I believe from the writings I've seen from you two that the wording could have been stronger. The making the situation unnerving could be shown more to us with facial expressions and more of their own thoughts. When she interrupted him, that whole portion does not read all that well to me. I think it could be re-worded some how. Take a look at it and read it out loud.
Jacko's? - You guys are more creative than that. Of course if it is a real place...sorry. It sounds more like a bar name or family restaurant.
Now for Joanie, her character could have been played up a bit more to add to the tension that was shown in the restaurant. I don't know, since you wanted this as a one shot possibly you may not have wanted details but it would give her more dimension then what she had. Tyler's reaction to her also felt unnaturally protective for a guy that is just showing his feelings. Showing us his thoughts may have been better like with Michelle, since you are speaking in third person.
Certain portions your tenses are switched like when he said '...that busgirl...' better to say '...this busgirl...'. By the way, is she known for being lower class? Is Tyler and Joanie Middle Class? What type of restaurant is it? I'm asking to also show that the outburst he had would give us even more sympathy to Michelle, and understanding why she did not deem herself worthy of his affections. Just another way to better develop her character.
The ending was cute and for guys I think you were pretty safe in your portrayal of feelings, but I have to ask...Did they leave work to go out on the date? There's a hole there that needs to be filled like - 'After a quick tidying up in the bathroom at McDonald's, Michelle brushed her teeth and freshened up a bit with a new set of clothes for her date with...' For ladies, I was wondering what she put on to go out on the date. That is a bit of detailing that would also add to the flavor of this love tale. I mean it reads as if they left sweaty and dirty. No girl I know will go on a date with Mr. Hottie and not freshen up some. I've been there and done the date after work, so I know you always have a change of clothes.
The poem was spot on, and the setting you had was also well done. The pouring out of his feelings felt a bit forced, since you did not show him wanting to express his feelings in such a way to anyone else. I was like BAM! Dude turns emotional really fast, so watch out for just coasting into the deep feelings okay.
WOW...this is a long review, but there are two authors so...
Lastly watch for the over use of She, He, They, at some points it gets to drag on because of your wording. So just try to start off with some other words or adjectives.
Overall I think you two did okay for your collab on a love story. I think you should write more of them. Try doing it first person. From the way this is written, I think the wording and feeling would be better portrayed from Michelle's point of view since there was more emphasis on her thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Thanks for asking me to take a look at it Sam. Hey Trey, I hope you guys do more and keep each other sharp.
Till later you guys good job.
| Samuel Harrisson chapter 1 . 5/31/2009
Ah what a great story! It was an honor to RP with ya' Trey. You choose the next subject!
| Trade Winds chapter 1 . 5/30/2009
I must say, you had me impressed on the first line. The fact that this short story was not only a romantic one, but written by two boys, is not something I have come across, ever, in my three years at fictionpress!
I began my reading with great expectation and curiosity as to how the other gender views the love game. I was not disappointed. This was uniquely written because though it fell into the clichee category, it never dipped to that level. You kept it intelligent, quick-witted, and lively-and truly captured the nervous excitement that always surrounds those first moments of attraction.
I truly enjoyed this, as their was a hint of writer's life experience behind the words that made for original and realistic me, it served as another reminder that one should never judge a book by it's cover-nor it's authors.
A wonderful job.
| jessnutsss chapter 1 . 5/30/2009
Love the title, love the summary, and the story was amazing. It was sweet. Thanks for the poem, I really love the ending. :)