Reviews for Sparks |
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![]() ![]() ![]() Hello hello, here to do a bit of review returning. Next time I take this long you should send a PM in my direction and prod me (seriously). I really like your word choice in this particular poem, because it provides really interesting imagery and sets quite a vengeful scene here. 'imprisoned', 'pools of rage', 'screaming their delight', 'sneer', all serve the purpose of setting a pretty dark tone for the entire piece. That being said, I wanted to point out that it is a bit disjointed and difficult to follow. The emotions are clear enough but the wording leaves something to be desired here, and I'm thinking about the second verse specifically. The first person point of view does work here, but it also confuses me as the reader a little because the person thinking this doesn't share any context whatsoever for the reason they feel this way (and that's perfectly alright, because it is a very emotion-based poem and it's not entirely necessary, except for the split wording). The last verse is a good example of the better-flowing verses here. There isn't twisting around of words to make it aesthetically pleasing and you can clearly tell what's going on with both the main character and his or her focus of attention. If you plan on modifying this or putting up subsequent drafts, I suggest keeping the excellent imagery words you use but trying to smooth out your method of delivery a bit. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Usually, you can tell if a poem was born out of personal experience and emotions, or if it was fabricated to make a poem. There's nothing wrong with fabrication of emotions for a story, might I add, many poets including myself use this method on and off. But not only is this poem delivered oddly, it's hard to understand if this was a true feeling or created. Poets often don't realize, and even less often poetry readers don't realize it, but they can tell where the emotion is coming from; and that knowledge is vital to pulling a poem together. The very first line is a perfect start for what I think you were aiming for, in my opinion. However, you should've followed with more about the spark (or the feeling behind that dark spark, or the darkness of the spark itself) before immediately aiming the your hurt at something (while you look down, scornful.) Twice, also, you put the affect before who the affect was on (with your smirk, on me-and-spared, I may be.) It's easier to follow, unless the freestyle you decide to use calls for that specific disorder, the have who the affect will be on and then the affect itself. I can understand the feeling behind "A slap back in your facce," but it seemd to violent in this place in this thought. You could say that this is the growing spark then snapping, but put it less violently. It also happens that hard consonants (wich about %25-%30 of the consonants are) always feel violent in an elegant poem (k, ck, p, t, d, etc.) This seems like a first draft. If it isn't, then you might also consider working on how you draft. Good Luck. |