|Reviews for Allegory|
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 3 . 9/3/2012
Technical issues aside, this was a fascinating chapter as far as the characters' dynamics are concerned. Not only is there deep, cutting emotional baggage between the two sisters, but between the mother and daughter as well. It's potent and painfully obvious to the point that the reader can only wonder what *happened* to jar this family so seriously.
It's a relief to know Lucy at least has a positive relationship remaining with her grandmother. I think my favorite scene in this chapter was right at the end:
[There was a pause before Colleen reached half way out to embrace her daughter, however a blaring horn from a car behind them stopped them midway. Colleen shifted gears and drove on.]
Between Colleen admitting she *wished* for a romanticized, problem-free reunion but not getting it and the obvious tension there, I think those lines perfectly sum up their relationship: a want for recompense denied by circumstance. Very sad, but in a quiet way that makes it believable and sharp.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 2 . 9/3/2012
Last chapter you wrote everything in present tense. This chapter you start off with past, but then switch to present, and then wobble back and forth. You ought to pick a tense and stick with it. Here, it's especially jarring, because you switch tenses in the same sentence: [There *was* a message on her phone from her friend Tia; the text *reads*...].
You have many of the same technical issues as last chapter in this one: missing commas, missing possessive apostrophes, double sentences that are combined with a comma and not a semi-colon, etc.. Correcting each one of those is really the work of a beta, though, so I'm not going to go through that process every time.
I'm not sure what's going on here: [The boy shock Tia a few times, before laughing...] Is that supposed to be "shook"? I had to re-read that several times before I found a way to make it make sense.
I like the information revealed in the flash back and/or reminiscing of Leslie, but because of your tense issues, it gets fuzzy near the end where the distinction is between "this is what happened five months ago" and "this is what's happening right now".
Early on, Leslie's chilly attitude towards her sister, and later the reinforcement of that attitude when her mother shows up, really makes me wonder what happened between them. I look forward to seeing the plot unfold further.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/3/2012
I really love the idea of this story (as a victim of rape, I'm looking forward to a story that really delves into the topic and hopefully opens up some new perspectives and lines of thinking as opposed to the glorified, sexist romance novels in pop fiction as of late). I enjoy the way you portray Lucy, her issue with the obvious vagueness of the word "assault" and its definition, immediately bringing up the fact that when you start digging into this type of subject matter, there are far too many grey areas.
Her interactions with Carter are also well-handled. I think you have a nice mix of character building, dialogue, and background. I will say, though, the fact that they were on a bed together caught me off guard near the end. I assumed she was in her desk at work or something since there was a dictionary and mention of laptops, etc.. Very little scene building at the start, but it wasn't too bad.
Here are some technical errors I noticed as I went along:
[While sitting at her desk Lucy Sly opens the grey dictionary that she took from home to the 'A' section.] Comma after "desk".
[The pages are brittle, and dog eared from heavy usage in the last year.] Technically don't need the comma after "brittle" there either, since the part that follows the comma isn't a complete sentence.
[...more then likely purchased at...] Should be "than" not "then".
[She turns toward him with a smile before composing pen to paper...] I'm not sure why you used the word "composing" here; I don't think it fits? Just "putting" would work, but composing is an entirely different verb all on it's own that feels totally out of place.
["Done already?" He asks as she stands up from the desk...] "He" should not be capitalized in this instance, since it's a dialogue tag and thus part of the same sentence. Probably a typo.
Also in that sentence - [He asks as she stands up from the desk, her hair falls over he face and he can't read it.] I would change the comma after "desk" to a semi-colon, since what follows is a complete sentence, and after "her hair falls over he face..." that "he" should be "her"; you missed the 'r'.
[It wasn't love at first sight, neither of them were cynical, or foolish.] This is two sentences as it stands, too, so either make the comma after "sight" a semi-colon or add a "since" or some kind of linking verb there after the comma.
[...educating the worlds brightest minds.] "Worlds" is possessive, so it should be "world's" with a possessive apostrophe.
["And I'll come up when I can," He butts in quickly...] Lower case 'h' in "he" since, again, it's a dialogue tag.
I look forward to meeting more of your characters and seeing how you weave them together.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 9/3/2012
I must say, i'm rather interested in this because of the diction. You don't say directly what's going on, but there is something hidden in these words, something dramatic, which I really like. And of course, considering the summary, it's hard for me to decide if the event of rape already took place, or if it's going to happen. And that's kind of scary, if it has yet to happen, and to know that Lucy could be heading straight for pain.
I also like how you have Lucy and Carter try to sooth each other and make the best of the situation by offering solutions on how to see each other. It wasn't forced on the readers, it came naturally.
And of course, I love the drama you've built up already because there is a foreshawdowing of something wrong happening, and that intenses things for the reader. :D
| Smaginn chapter 34 . 3/2/2010
I love it!
| ConverseQueen chapter 1 . 2/4/2010
I thought this was an amazing work. The way you describe your characters and situations, makes them jump off the page. You are a mental illustrator!
I especially love chapter 17 where things start to get particularly intense. The way you describe the scene with Lucy and Rob was...well...masterful.
Have you ever considered publishing?
I can't wait to read the rest.
| SoneAnna chapter 34 . 1/30/2010
I find it interesting you chose to write this in present-tense. It adds more "feel" to the story than if it would be past tense. However, around the flashback chapters, the events got a little confusing. Rob tried to drown Lucy? (Granted, that's sometimes the trouble with putting a flashback within a flashback.)
A bit of confusion on your characters, also: Alice is Lucy and Leslie's grandmother and Colleen's mother, right? Why do they call her "Alice" then? And the sudden introduction of Marjorie confused me as well. Is she Colleen's sister? They all seem a bit jumbled together here and there, so a little clearing up might nice. But overall, they feel extremely real and well-rounded, especially Emmy.
And on a last note, I noticed there were, uh...a handful of grammar mistakes spilled here and there. I.e.: with your shifting between tenses the "-ed" was sometimes left off, forgetting periods/commas after dialog tags, pieces of short dialog putting "come on" as "common", using colons a little too much with dialog...but that's just me nitpicking, ahaha.
Overall, I have to say despite the rather dark subject matter, I really did enjoy reading this story. I usually have a short attention span when at the computer and can't sit through more than four chapters at a time...but maybe it's your writing style, maybe it's the pace, I dunno: it's a genuinely good read, and I look forward to your updates. _
Congrats on winning the WCC, btw
| improvisationallychallenged chapter 2 . 1/28/2010
Hey - congratulations with WCC - here's your depth review _:
Opening: This has a start that's a lot more gripping than the first chapter. It feels like you're brought straight into the scene, and it flows very nicely into Leslie's persepective. It's a lovely opening, starting with something very normal and easily relatable, and using it to subtly hint that there is something that could be wrong, like Leslie finding Rob's breath going from comforting to sour as she wakes up properly. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but either way, it's a nice touch.
Writing: I noticed there was a slight slip with tense. You change from past, briefly into present, and then back into past. I do this all the time as well, so I understand the mistake, just thought I would point it out. Your style of writing seems to be pretty sophisticated, and is very digestable. It certainly eggs me on to find out more about the characters.
Characters: This clearly has a very complex and subtle set up. I like Leslie, and I'm intrigued as to why she is at odds with Lucy, and while Rob's drunken slip gives an inkling, I'm curious to see how that is going to develop. The tensions between Leslie and her mother seemed particularly tangible, and very recognisable. It's a familiar situation, but so far, you're doing it well. There's a good set up of a lot of different conflicts here.
Ending: A good, subtle cliff-hanger. While there's no sense of being teased with foreboding so that you click to the next chapter, there is an urge to find out what happens next. It feels like a good point to leave the scene, and makes it a concise, but informative moment in the story. Again, well done _
| sophiesix chapter 34 . 1/12/2010
Nice portrayal of Emily’s limboishness and identity upheaval. That was my favourite bit, her sitting and staring and wondering. Was good to see her again and sort of coping, and the baby doing ok too. I really liked her interaction with the neighbour, that push and pull between what might be derived from one’s actions and what is meant, and what is expected as a social norm and what feels normal/ok.
First sentence, comma after hallway. Also, later, comma after “and not the books"
“Her cloths at the very least” clothes?
“Drew could since the change” sense?
| kit feral chapter 34 . 1/11/2010
nice twist- though, I guess it wasn't that unexpected, but I didn't see it coming. I figured Emily was gone for good. nice to see things from her perspective. can't wait for more!
| Personality Differs chapter 33 . 1/3/2010
please dont leave it here. continue it
| sophiesix chapter 33 . 12/22/2009
I can't remember if Alice hinted at this before, but somehow it seems very fitting for her husband's character. maybe i'm just inately suspicious of charming men though...
“and in tern Colleen wrapped her arms” turn
“Marjorie began, although Colleen remembered that she was eight when her mother left, although she did not correct her sisters narrative.” repeat of although
“if felt too heavy to contemplate” it not if.
| sophiesix chapter 32 . 12/13/2009
ah, this is more like it :D again the ambiguity with Rob. Carter could so give him a few lessons. Good to see Leslie pushing him away, that helped me respect her more. Hey and what happened to the dogs?
"Leslie, common" lol, maybe c'mon?
this sentence felt a bit awkward to me: "No shred of humanity so vague as it was in the shadow of death." as vague as it was, maybe? or is there a verb missing?
"“I don‘t know what to say?” Tia questioned." i didn't like the redundancy of the ? and 'questioned'. normally you have such nice action tags, so it felt out of place. but then i guess its an awkward moment anyway...
"Leslie took a deep breath, her throat was raw, yet she still felt the heavy boulder of tears behind her teeth" love that. i could feel those damn boulders.
"I think I‘m ganna go in." gonna?
"Both shuffled their socks on the floor." i like the concept here, but not its execution; it made me think of a charleston dance or something. I wanted something long and more awkward, more painstaking. especially as you use shuffle again a few paras on.
| sophiesix chapter 31 . 12/13/2009
yay, you updated.
Hm, and yes, short chapter. Which would be fine, except that it not only is short, but it feels short too, truncated somehow, when normally Carter isn’t quite so stilted or… I dunno. They feel both comfy together and awkward at the same time, I’m not sure how to explain it. Is that all he picked up on, of the entire story? Is she only glad he’s there, no reaction to his comments? Apart from the bare feeling, does it make her think any differently, about the past or the future? If even she doesn’t want to talk to him about it, and lets him go to sleep, thinking on it a little further herself would I think give a more conclusive feel to the chapter.
“Your mother shouldn‘t chador to someone like Rob Yeller” I’m not sure what you meant by chador? I’m thinking cater or kow tow, but I’m grasping at nothing here. :)
| we share our blanket with chapter 30 . 10/21/2009
And, when he held her hand while walking home in the middle of the day after another successful break from school she felt so calm she could have performed heart surgeries, or conducted symphonies.
I love that line, even though I don't like that it's about Rob. And I thought that was a much better than most sex scene- even if it involved Rob. I really, really don't like Rob.
I can't wait to see what happens next.