|Reviews for Golden Grove|
| Dragon made me do it chapter 3 . 11/28/2011
'It was a makeshift affair that the government' - see review of last ch on govt.
'it had been becoming too hard' - sounds awkward, 'it had been getting too hard' ?
you do a great job of describing how different people react to disaster.
'"Sorry lad," Beefy fellows sidled closer' - why is beefy in caps?
'ripping at the rubble til his heads' til should be until, till or 'til
love the way it all comes together in ch 3, we work out who the people in ch one was because of the horse references. Nice balance/harmony to the structure.
also great how you have really honed in on this personal story within a historical context. it's about what it was like for one family, and how it was hard to think of the community's intrests of quarantine over their own of lstayng alive.
ouchy, too much typing need dragon mic back nowwww!
| Dragon made me do it chapter 2 . 11/28/2011
OMG you are making me huuuungry! two pies!
once again, great description of scene.
'the government' - we were taught in the public service that a specific government is capitalised but a general one is lower case. so in this casee I would cap it.
'Enid had waited expectantly, kneading bread, simmering stew, rolling pastry, and no one had ever come, and eventually she'd been forced to the conclusion that she'd been snubbed.' - this sentence is a little long. Suggest either cutting after 'ever come' or changing 'she'd been forced to' to 'came to'
'So, swallowing her pride, she'd brought the day's work down to Beth's, so that at least it would get et before it spoiled.' - duplication of 'so' sounds slightly off, 'get et' is slang, might work better in dialogue than narration?
"But I'm sure I don't how I'll get through all that." - insert know before how
okay, love the feeling of fear you generate towards the end of this chapter. again characterisation is good, description of golden grove and how people experience sickness in a community back then. great edumacational piece.
| Dragon made me do it chapter 1 . 11/28/2011
no dragon again, so expect less words...
loved the concept for this one.
'early Sydney' - I'd like to have an actual year or something. I would also be curious about the origins of the outbreak. I do recall an outbreak of soemthing we don't normally have in Australia that came by ship back then, forget what it was though. Ships, rats, trade, convicts...those kind of details. Even if you don't use modern interpretations of germ theory etc., describe in the understanding of the time with miasmas and so on if that's appropriate...forgetting my med history dates here. Even just a line speculating about how people thought it all started.
okay, the mention of an open drain tells me cholera?, waterborne etc. spose that oculd still've come by ship.
I like the way you describe the streets by what is absent, in great details. It almost feels as if you can see ghosts of these activities flying by.
'She knew she wasn't allowed to stroke them when they were working so she kept well clear of the frantic hustle around them, as people packed up and left. ' - i would move the comma from after them to after working.
okay here's what i thought you did really well: historically appropriate dialogue; seeing illness from their pov and not interpretting back from the present; characcterisation, esp. the mother; subtle ways of telling the story, like 'mind those taters don't burn' when they weren't anywhere near burning as a distraction; general description of scene, i got very strong visuals.
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| Adrenalin chapter 3 . 12/19/2009
This chapter was so perfect! So much feelings packed in this. I could feel Sam's panic at the discovery of his mother and sister missing. I was so afraid he would find both of them dead by the time he got there!
I'm amazed that you managed to tell such a great story in so few words. Usually my stories run much longer than that, even the short ones, because I always feel I have no place to do justice to the characters and such. But you described your characters wonderfully, their relationships especially!
I particularly loved the ending, and Sam hugging Lily to death since he's so relieved.
Blabla RM blabla link in profile, you know the drill :)
| Adrenalin chapter 2 . 12/19/2009
Oh I like the way Aunt Enid prepared everything for welcoming her sister and Lily. She feels like a very generous person, or maybe it's just when it concerns her family :)
I also liked her conclusion that she's been "snubbed". Such a proud little woman, it's so amusing!
But the end is very worrying. I like their worrying though - it makes them sound like a very united family.
| Adrenalin chapter 1 . 12/19/2009
This first chapter has a very dream-like quality. The fact that everything is so silent, and so empty, reminds me of walking around in the morning, when it's dawn and nobody's up yet. I don't know if you've ever done that, but the feeling you get when you do that is the one I get while reading your piece.
I liked how you managed to tell about everything important concerning Lily's family. It didn't feel at all like an info-dump, and I could even get a good feeling about the characters. Especially the mother, who seems like a very obstinate woman.
For the review marathon (link in my profile)
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 12/18/2009
Wow, emotional chapter! One thing I did like was the emotion in the second half while Sam was searching for Lily, there was some very bold and raw feelings written while he was searching through the pots, and scraps of muddy clothing, ect-I could really get a good image of that, it was more chilling too. What I didn't like was the way that this chapter progressed so quickly, the transition of Sam from the hospital to Golden Grove was a little too quick for my tastes, though I didn't mind it once we did get into the next scene. Nice image at the end with the crashing houses while they're reunited too-you've got some good ideas floating around here!
From the review marathon at the Review Game (link in profile),
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 12/18/2009
I like the image I get of the secure setting within the first and second paragraph, and the idea of Aunt Enid weaving through all these different obstacles with all baggage kind of also comes through as her navigating her relationships too, with having to go back for Sam-so just some interesting characterization going on. I also liked your dialogue use in this, though I didn't like how vauge it felt, I would like a little more detail, ect, but I think that is a pretty old story for you and maybe just some general ideas-if so, it's handled well for the time being but if you ever pick it up again I would add more description to Enid's tasks, and also more narration concerning her relationships to Beth and Sam too!
From the review marathon (link in profile),
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/18/2009
Hiya Sophie! The review marathon started today so I'm gonna be tackling you an Xen with many reviews! You know where the RM is and such, at the RG, so onto the review!
I like this opening because of its descriptions, especially in the very first paragraph with the insertion of "the caw of a currawong"-that was just really cool and it really segwayed into some beautiful bits of writing. The third paragraph concerning the dead bodies was chilling and I liked it because it set the stage for what's going on and the overall tone of the piece. The fact that she's staring at her mother's dead body is completely horrific, but you present it in such a nonchalant way that it adds a bit of "holy crap what else could there be?".
| Safa Khan chapter 3 . 8/4/2009
Beautiful story! The ending was really wholesome and sweet - but sad at the same time. Great job with the whole 'a bit of hope in vast depression' theme of the story!
| Safa Khan chapter 1 . 8/4/2009
Wow, this is really powerful, and depressing!
I love the way you wrote it, the language itself creates a picture for your characters. Great job! *continues reading* D
| Narq chapter 3 . 6/13/2009
Ah, an action-packed chapter. I like it, yes, it is very good indeed. However, here I can help you You have long sentences in a faced-placed place. You would want to have shorter sentences to make tension:
"The sun rose higher and beat at his shoulders, the day finally starting to thaw, and after a while the sound of houses collapsing came back into his world. With shaky limbs he climbed down from the pile of junk that used to be his home, and walked listlessly, his feet following the street towards the noise, for lack of any direction from his mind."
"The sun rose higher. It beat at his shoulder. The day thawed. The sound of houses collapsing came back. Limbs shy he climbed down. The pile of junk - that left of his home..."
I hope you get my point. The shorter the sentence, the more dramatic it is.
Hope this helps~
| Narq chapter 2 . 6/13/2009
Oh~ so Lily isn't as obedient as i think then, she's run away from her aunt! I wonder why, you've done a good job of portraying characters through dialogue. Some people have trouble with that. Good job.
Onto the next chappy~
| Narq chapter 1 . 6/13/2009
This chapter was full of foreboding. I think, anyway. You did a good job in describing everything so far. i think because this is the start of a story, you haven't pushed the character forward too much but you could do so. Lily seems to be a funny little fella, I want to know more about her as she seems somewhat obedient, but I think there would be more to the eye, right?
So, onto the next chapter.
P.S. speaking about diseases, I heard that Australia is quite bad with swine flue. I hope you're fine where you live.