|Reviews for Order controlled|
| Mrs Prince Charming chapter 1 . 6/4/2009
You are definitely getting better.
Your poems are starting to really make me -gawk- Scottie. xD
Good job x33 keep it up.
| D.M. Noir chapter 1 . 6/3/2009
I like that you have engaged the reader with a question and continue in this trend two more times in the poem, ending the way you started with an inquiry. It sums your concept up punctuation wise.
However, and this is a big however, COMMAS...
Most people hate them, myself included, and yet they are a great tool in poetry nevertheless.
Several lines are broken up in your work by commas that have a very awkward, if not altogether choppy, reading. For instance, but by no means limited to, lines 14-15. As you have placed the comma after the word "mere" the reader is given the implication that he/she must pause in reading or breathe in verbalizing the poem. The problem with this comma in particular is that "Are but mere,..." gives the reader absolutely nothing between the comma from the line previous and the line following. Firstly, "mere" is working as an adjective upon the noun "conspiracies" and grammatically should not have a comma betwixt the two words. Secondly, line 14 as it is written into your rhyme scheme doesn't flow and forces the reader to either forget that line 14 exists or disregard entirely the rhyme you have placed in lines 12 and 13, focusing on line 13 and 15 as being the basis for the rhyming pattern. (This is just an example of one of the comma situations in the work. I find that throughout the poem you have chopped up your lines with commas and forced the reading to lack flow.)
Overall I think you keep the reader into the poem throughout but the directness and blunt word choice when dealing with such abstract subject matter leaves me expecting more. While the reader is presented in line 1 with the phrase "order controlled" the poem goes into the internal struggle of the reader and speaker, not what the first question asked of him/her.
Choppy, but original.