I have read the original version, and I have to say I like this one better. Your characterization has gotten much better, and I feel like the plot is more organized. Are there spelling errors...yes...but that is something you can work on, and I'm not going to stop reading because of it. I love your stories, and your writing style. Can't Casimir find another girl? He was so sweet in the beginning...just a thought. Sorry for being such a lazy reviewer, and waiting til now...but I liked the update. Were the cookies the cause of her knowing about the car? I don't think that got fully explained. But, other than that I liked it. Please update when you can!

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The review:

I have to stop reading at this chapter, why, because I love the idea of this story, the concept of what you are trying to create, but it's weak, I don't know... I don't feel the intensity of emotion that should be present in some of the scenes; let's start from the beginning...

to be honest it was tough getting past the first couple of chapters, some of your sentences were awkward and I had to purposefully ignore mistakes and force myself to get back into the rhythm of the story...in some parts it was choppy, but, hey, it can be improved. A tip for you, when you read over your own work try and read it aloud, to get a feel of what it sounds like, it will help you notice phrases and/or sentences that could be said better or in another way.

Next; I liked the interaction between Sedna and the other characters, for the most part; funny thing is I started off liking her as a female protagonist however by the time we reached this chapter and more specifically chapter 36 I really didn't. Mainly this is due to her behaviour towards Casmir -sp? - Her entanglement with him then her confusing relationship with Nereus -sp? I mean I could see that you were trying to convey her conflicting feelings towards each one but she just came across as two faced, in short her characterisation needs a bit of polishing. Your last sentence in chapter 34 where they both declare that they will never let go of each other and then in chapter 36 she has done a 360...that was irritating, i had to go back and re-read chap 34 just to make sure that i didn't imgaine their kiss and reconciliation.

Nevertheless, I adored the way you developed the relationship between Sedna and Nereus but I still felt in some parts that the pace of it was too rapid. Plus, a major point, there was such ample opportunity for some suspense etc but your writing in some parts felt a bit forced and you just didn’t evoke the depth of feeling that I could envisage such a scene doing, for example, the scene where she believes that Ashley was killed, there was the shock at first, then it fell short. Your writing didn't convey a great variety in her emotions...

There are many places where I was excited at the direction the story was taking and how the character’s interactions evolved i.e. Marius and inoue ;) – sp? – but in other places such as Nereus’ manipulation and control of Ashley, when he then reconciled with Elise and Sedna’s reaction was disappointing; how can I put it, you can set up situations beautifully but the character’s reactions to those situations can be a bit lacking or better said undeveloped.

I can see that you have concentrated on carrying the plot forward, and the plot itself is a major strength in this story but it seems you have sacrificed other equally important elements to the story.

Perhaps a beta would help? Do you have a beta? Someone who can act as a soundboard and give a second opinion, as there are some things that we miss when we are editing our own work that others may pick up.

I hope that this review is helpful and not discouraging and that you continue writing!

Please feel free to e-mail me, I would be happy to discuss/clarify anything that I have said or remarked on!

All the best,

Kamui

Oh my, we have the same story told with two different views. Conflict! I wonder which one is true? Or it is neither, maybe both? We shall see...

Sedna still likes Nereus despite his gruesome hatred and the things he mentioned in this chapter? If I were her I'd book it out of that relationship and find a much nicer guy. Personally, I'm still having a hard time finding the relationship between the two of them believable.

i was pretty shocked my Sedna's pervertedness. didnt know she had it in her. And i am so confused now! every chapter makes me change my mind about my opinion on these people!

Poor casimir...I really hope sedna and nereus end up together.

Ahh, it all makes sense now! I loved it, as usual, and I really really want to see the end of this,so don't rewrite it just yet! Also, you won't be rewriting the sequels, will you?

please don't rewrite it, yet. I've ben dying to read the ending, and if you rewrite it now, it'll mean that i'll have to reread it, and it's feel like the story didn't have an ending :(. But i love your stories. and i would still reread it even if you rewrite it.

We you're awesome! Dang 2 updates in like 2 days; I love you. Wow. Thanks for the history lesson, I really hate Casimir's family now. Update!

Don't be tired all the time:( eat more spoon fulls of sugar! good chapter, nice and sweet (hehehe sugar reference:P) it made me smile D . lots of love from some random

Oh dear...this is so cute...hm, i wonder how this story's gonna end, but i don't want it to end, haha.

The story is quite interesting and it's kept me wondering about how it all ends as I keep reading. However, I do notice a little too often some spelling and grammar mistakes. Those are a quick fix and prevent a reader from being taken out of a story.

And earlier in the story, about the whole reason for Nereus' pearl, I'm still not quite sure why it's so important to him and how it effects Merfolk or Oceanids. That, and I was also confused about the whole situation with Casimir, his family, and how Merfolk and Oceanids differ. I'm still confused as to how Nereus can have tentacles or a fish tail. o_o;;

And another thing. The whole back and forth thing between Sedna and Nereus is really putting me off, personally. She's gotten so angry at him twice now and twice he's so easily managed to win her back. It's not really believable. You think she would have learned the first time around.

Please do not take these comments personally. I just want to help turn an already good story into an even better one. I really do want to see how it turns out and who Sedna finally settles for in the end. Continue the good work into writing such a story.

I started to freak out when she was being dragged down. i lold when she goes off about her book and Nereus was just like "wow"

This. Is. The. Freaking. Best. Story. I've. Ever. Read! Your plot is awesome the characters are awesome the whole thing is awesome! Initially I hated Nereus because well, he seemed like a jerk. I thought that Sedna and Casimir was the perfect match. Buy as the story progressed I began to like Nereus more! I love the SednaNereus pairing now! And it's really awesome how Doria, Luis and most of Nereus's family seem to be so cool with Sedna and not try to eat her up. Well except for some.. But anyways! This story is currently the best fantasy one I've ever read. I like how it's not those cliched sappy romance story between a merman and a human or something like that, but a darker and more exciting one. I had so much fun reading this, so thankyou! AND UPDATE I'm going crazy imagining the next chapter's scenes! (:(:(:

oh dear, this is just so cute :)

i don't know why but i just kinda dislike casimir. He's so...i don't know how to put it...annoying? arrogant? i love nereus with sedna so much better. :)

Prince fish man... I like it.