|Reviews for 403 Forbidden|
| Velvet D'Coolette chapter 2 . 12/30/2010
Oh, Rakima, eh? Pretty name, and very exotic. I've never heard of a Rakima, so I'm wondering whether she's some kind of being from a country you've made up, or is she Indian, or what? Again, just a little bit of scen-setting would be nice. Context.
"The air seemed to become colder too..." I'd say this needs to be the start of a new paragraph, as initially, Rakima's thinking this is a change of train of thought: first computer-related frustration, then the room's cooling down. They would initially seem to be unrelated. And again, I want a bit more time to settle into the feeling of her being unable to get past this blasted Forbidden sign.
And I'm also feeling a need for a more deliberate change of POV. At the moment it all melts in together and doesn't feel distinct.
"Could people become addicted to websites?" If she's asking that question then she's never been on TV Tropes.
"...but then her finger clicked the mouse unthinkingly..." This is an interesting bit, actually. Rakima's feeling very disorientated all of a sudden and appears to have lost her sense of place in all this white and cold. The only thing she has to link her to where she is, apparently, is one finger on the mouse button. That would be quite a tenuous-feeling clawhold on the world, a new take on 'hanging on by the seat of your pants'. Maybe this could be used with a bit more oomph?
And she's back in the room. With 403 blinking at her again :P
- From We Return Reviews.
| Velvet D'Coolette chapter 1 . 12/30/2010
Oh, go on then! I've been looking at this one and passing over it forever, so I want to see what it's all about, now.
Hmm. For this first chapter, a prologue of sorts, it would be nice to have a little bit more scene. I wouldn't want to see any more of the feeling of disappointment, because I think this could easily go into purple prose, but a bit of, I don't know... the heroine's bedroom desk, or something.
Oh and, digging the fact that you've got your title but a sentence before it - it's just an unconventional little thing you've got going on, there.
I realise your prologue is not very long at all, so please count this and the following review as one!
- From We Return Reviews.
| eiyuang999 chapter 1 . 5/23/2010
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| AvidWriter-92 chapter 3 . 5/13/2010
I thought that this was a very original idea. :) I liked the humorous things that Rakima says/thinks, and the whole mystery/suspense thing you've created. :)
I also liked how you threw in the fact that only avid fictionpress readers get access to the mystery of 403 access denied. xD
That made my day...
The only thing that I didn't like was the fact that there was very little backstory to the characters. Hopefully, this clears up in the following chapters...
Otherwise, great job! I really liked this!
From "We Return Reviews" forum.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/18/2009
XD, This is a great idea, man, that 403 forbidden-I hate it so much. Maybe this will at least let my imagination wander next time it happens! So basically, I like this whole idea because it's creative and because everyone on fictionpress can pretty much relate to it-so it reaches a very universal audience here!
I also liked the whole mystery and the definitley in your words, made me laugh "Little does she know..." I can really feel like there's that dude who narrates movie previews reading this to me, Coming To You Right Now. Just A Click Away.
check out the review marathon (link in profile)
| RandomUser674 chapter 1 . 11/15/2009
Argh, I hate 403 Forbiddens. Great idea, though. I love it when people take annoying things to the next level and make them interesting. :)
| Zoe Marhassa chapter 1 . 9/8/2009
I've always wondered what it was.
| Suhpheeah chapter 3 . 8/10/2009
Oh my God this was priceless! I laughed so much my stomach aches. I can't pick one event to be my favorite in this chapter because I loved it as a whole! I did laugh harder when I read 'your sister David' I went through that sentence twice to check if I wasn't going crazy or something. Ahahaha it was just so funny. Congratulations!
| Suhpheeah chapter 2 . 8/10/2009
This chapter reminded me of myself and my mother. We often have converstions like that. This - "annoyed as always at having to compete with that darn fictionpress site" - was my favorite line, because it really relates to my mum! I like the fact that though your chapters are short, they are well-written and interesting. Keep up with the good work!
| Suhpheeah chapter 1 . 8/10/2009
This is one of most random, yet funny things I've read of recent XD. 403 Forbidden. It really gets on one's nerves. I especially liked your ending line. It made me look at 403 Forbidden with new eyes P... I wonder what secret world hides beneath it... Congratulations on this first chapter
| Imminent Paradox chapter 7 . 8/3/2009
Haha, I love this! :D You guys make this so random and fun to read! I like how you guys said the guy might've died XD Lol, drinking too much grape juice and too many paper cuts? I never would have come up with that! And I love how Beta writes on Rakima! Thats definitely something :)
I can't wait to read more! So, um... update soon, please?
| insert desired name here chapter 7 . 8/3/2009
hahahahaa oh my i love this!
| SecretAgent99 chapter 7 . 8/2/2009
I loved the ending. "No! Not romance!" XD haha, poor Rakima.
| LostInMe chapter 7 . 8/2/2009
Hello...sorry for not reviewing earlier. This story keeps getting stranger and stranger! I'm really getting absorbed in it.
| rgrimes89 chapter 6 . 8/1/2009
Hey. This is still utterly inspired :)
If there's one thing I hate in fics, it's people putting author's notes in the middle of their chapter. It doesn't work, it pulls away from the story...and yet, you did it and totally pulled it off. It only works because this is tongue-in-cheek, a sort of alternate reality, and is about the issues of fictionpress. Which means it doesn't just work, it works REALLY WELL and is pretty amusing. Just be careful you don't overuse it and let it get mundane, but seriously - congrats. The only place so far where I thought you over used it was after the joke about the names (Alex, Bella, Edward etc) ..that was funny without the interjection, so it was a bit superfluous there.
Otherwise, I love it. I love the jokes about 'the sleeping guy' (that's what Horatio wants to call him, and she's buying me icecream so I'm not going to argue). And I love how original it all is.
Looking forward to the next 1