|Reviews for Clockwork|
| theholyromanempire chapter 1 . 6/19/2009
You asked me to review, so here I am, reviewing. I'm going to warn you, I'm a rather harsh reviewer. If you want to get better, you have to have the proper critique.
"On the corner every night, from 7 in the morning to 11 at night," this part is a bit awkward for me, just because of the mentioning of "night" so closely in the same sentence. I'd say , "On the corner from 7 in the morning to 11 at night," but this still seems like an awkward sentence.
"glass, whatever they can get their hands on." After glass, I think a semicolon would work better grammatically because both sentences can stand on their own.
The following sentence, where you say "Come 11:30, all of them are gone...", makes me think that you could weave this into the previous issue of the seven to eleven night sentence.
I really like "It’s like clockwork, a preset schedule known only to the employees and the customers. But everyone’s a customer in this town. Because at 11:30 come the girls. The girls make money per hour, charging whatever pleases their boss." I wouldn't change a thing about that.
However, in the next sentence, the verb "leak" doesn't fit. Something like steal or any of its synonyms would work perfectly.
"of energy, asnd when" typo: should be and.
"asnd when they’ve fallen asleep they drain them some more" should be a comma between asleep and they.
"to their bos, and then" typo, bos should be boss.
"Like clockwork, at 3AM the girls disappear again, returning to the ‘home’ people like them are provided, waiting 4 long hours until 7 and the dealers return, so they can get their own fix." I like the "Like clockwork" part, but I take issue with 3AM. It's obvious that it's during the night and I don't think the AM is needed. Also, instead of "returning to the 'home' people like them are provided," I think that just coming out and saying whorehouse would work powerful wonders. Some times, it pays to be blunt. Also, it makes it less wordy.
"Because why else would they stay?" This transition has nothing to do with the previous paragraph. If you just took out the because, it would make more sense. However, the next sentence seems for word count to me. It's not needed and only detracts from the overall effect. Just go right into the addiction portion.
"In the end, it all comes back to the employees, working 7-11 and trapped in their own way." In the end and it all comes back to are both wordy phrases. Might I suggest ultimately?
I don't like the monster portion of the end of the piece. This might be just me, but when I think of addiction, I think glamor. I think of old Hollywood, of things covered up and pretending that addiction doesn't exist. I'd mention how police overlook it or how no one tries to stop it. Something like, "Your loved ones overlooked it, pretending you were all there and you never visited that corner just before eleven every week, like clockwork." I just think that if the person never tries to escape, it demonstrates that addiction is more powerful than leaving and coming back. Because the person who tries to leave is stronger than the person who stays.
Last thing, I wouldn't put a single word on each line like the last five words. It's not a poem and you never see strange paragraphing like that in short pieces, unless it's a one-word-fragmented-sentence.
I hope this helps, and I want you to know that it is a wonderful start. I'm a very harsh reviewer because once, I got a wonderfully brutal review that made me sit and think about my writing. I know I've improved from that one reviewer and I hope that I can pass on this knowledge to you.
C.H. Morgan (formerly known as Europop)