Reviews for Stay
Brenda Agaro chapter 17 . 8/24/2009
This story deserves more reviews. This is beautiful and well written.

You get another "AWW" from me for chapter seventeen. That last line in the chapter was well written - good execution. I also like how you have Thalia and Pace go back to the Park in chapter nineteen.

Chapter twenty was so sad and I couldn't believe that it ended so soon. I hope to read the second and third installment when you're able to.

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

Chapter 17:

{Her phone, which had run only minutes before, was imposing its presence upon her from its perch on her pillow.} I think run should be rung.

{She could hear him practically oozing pleasure.} "oozing pleasure" seems out of place, unless pleasure can be related to excitement.

Chapter 18:

{Thalia was balanced on the arm of the couch nearest him and all around the room, people were sitting or standing holding their own drinks.} I think there should be a comma after standing.

{Standing in front of all Pace’s friends, including some people she didn’t really know herself, Thalia didn’t know what to say.} I believe of should be between all and Pace's.
Brenda Agaro chapter 10 . 8/24/2009
I love the dialogue and the pacing of it, especially in chapter ten. Thalia and Pace's first fight was realistic. I really like how you portrayed the scene.

I actually like Almirah. To me, she's the realistic type of friend a girl like Thalia would have.

You get an "AWW" from me for chapter thirteen. I love the atmosphere you created, even towards the end.

As for what Pace writes, I'm not pissed that you didn't say exactly what he usually writes. The mystery you add to it was effective, which I like. I love how Pace describes clouds as people/characters. It's so unique and intriguing.

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

Chapter 11:

{The last thing she wanted to do was scare Pace was just because she cared about him.} I belive there should be a period or semi-colon after Pace.

Chapter 12:

{One. Two. Three. Four, five, six. She counted the steps she took, and took them quietly, so she would be able to hear him when he moved. He hadn’t yet.} For the first part, is that intentional for the one, two, and three to end in periods and the rest separated by commas (to describe how she came down the stairs)? I'm just wondering.

Chapter 13:

{And she’d laughed as well and said, yes, I guess it does, and after that the conversation was happy and hopeful.} Unless it's intentional, "yes, I guess it does" should have quotation marks.

{And like previous instances with his voice and the utterance of her name, she felt the smile burrow its way into her and nestle in her bones right next to the other memories.} I think there should be a comma after into her.

{When they left the café, after he gave her another manila envelope full of typed pages waiting to perused, and after he insisted on at least walking her to the bus stop, he hugged her.} I can suggest adding dashes between "after he gave her another manila envelope full of typed pages waiting to perused." Also, I think be should be between to and perused (correct me if I'm wrong.)

Chapter 14:

{The only table close enough to attempt eavesdropping was full of sophomores engaged in a discussion over the two latest pop band upstarts and which of the members were hottest.} I think there should be a comma after sophomores.

{They ate in mostly silence, although a couple of times Almirah complained about her mother, her Math teacher, and her older sister, not necessarily in that order.} I can suggest replacing the comma after sister with a dash.

{Thalia stared at the two boys and then stared at Almirah, who stared back, a sparkle in her eye.} I think it's eyes.

Chapter 15:

{Apparently the girls had tried to get to know him.} I think there should be a comma after Apparently.

{The facts leading up to their friendship were seemed scattered when analyzed, but put together…} Omit were or seemed.

Chapter 16:

{His eyes were a deep chocolate, but the reflection of the clouds made them seem gray.} "deep chocolate" is a weak and overused phrase (the chocolate part actually.) Since you describe them as being soulless orbs after this sentence, I can suggest replacing it with a phrase that would make the connection.
Brenda Agaro chapter 1 . 8/24/2009
Good start for the first chapter. I like how you introduced Pace and then Thalia, and the characterization of him not talking and her just being shy - to me, that was clever. The details were necessary and I love how you describe Pace's writing through Thalia in chapter six.

I've just finsihed reading the first nine chapters, and already I've decided to add this to my favorites. :-)

If there's a correction/suggestion that you disagree with or just doesn't work with you, you have the right not to do it as you're the writer of this story.

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

Chapter 1:

{He was always off in the clouds, always with chocolate eyes glazed over and lips soundlessly forming words.} "chocolate eyes" is an overused phrase. I can suggest replacing it with another comparison to enhance the sentence.

{(He didn’t talk to himself, as Thalia later found out. He just held discourse with the heavens).} I can suggest having it be separate from the paragraph. I'm not sure if it's intentional to have it like though.

Chapter 2:

{She could feel the general disinterest.} This could be dropped. The rest of the paragraph shows that her classmates aren't typically paying attention.

Chapter 3:

{She’d focused on the back, holding onto it as if holding something fragile but treasured at the same time.} I think there should be a comma after it.

{Finally she vowed to speak to him the very next time she saw him.} I think there should be a comma after Finally.

Chapter 4:

{As it happened, she saw him on the bus the next morning, a Saturday, an empty seat beside him.} I can suggest replacing the commas between "a Saturday" with dashes instead.

{Before she could let herself chicken out, she darted in front of an elderly lady and sat next to him.} "chicken out" is an overused phrase. Another phrase could enhance this sentence.

There were repetitions of the word "walking" in this chapter. I can suggest finding a synonym for one of them to strengthen the word choice. Or you could describe somewhere the sounds their feet make while walking in the park.

I love this line: {His words fell flat, sank into the pond that was Thalia’s heart, and crashed gently against the bottom.} Great wording and imagery. To me, it was powerful.

Chapter 5:

{Eventually, she reminded herself, the memory of his voice would leave her bones.} I'm honestly confused by this. I can understand what you're trying to convey here though. Maybe explain more/reword the part about his voice leaving her bones? If you want to leave it as it is, then it's fine.

{And her bones screamed with delight.} You could leave this as it is, but I can suggest rewording "with delight." It seems weak, to be honest.

Chapter 6:

{The plain manila envelope cast an echo of Pace's presence over her room, and Thalia found herself waiting to be enlightened.} I think it's casted (since this story is written in past tense.)

{For that entire week she had pleaded busy when he shot a questioning glance her way.} I think there should be a comma after week. Also, I can suggest having busy in italics or add in quotation marks (unless it's intentional.)

Chapter 7:

I love this line: {She could feel his smile drip through the phone and down her arm, drenching her skin.} Cleverly written. To me, it gives me the chills, and that's a good thing.

Chapter 8:

{At the beginning they mostly talked about the weather.} I think there should be a comma after beginning.

{And yeah, tourism makes it run, but they don’t know anything about what that place is really like.} Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think run should be fun.

Chapter 9:

{At that her friend faced the front of the class once again, and Thalia shifted her gaze back to the door that Pace hadn’t walked through yet.} I think there should be a comma after that.
swellhats chapter 20 . 8/13/2009
ah it ended so soon D:

but i'm excited for pace, smoking!
swellhats chapter 18 . 8/13/2009
i love this story so much and i'm eager to read the upcoming chapters and the second installment :)
MODCINI chapter 15 . 8/12/2009
Okay, so, please forgive me if I miss something because you really uploaded a ton of stuff at once and I'll try not to miss any points, so here it goes...

Chapter 11: I think that a lot of kids our age could relate to this, how after a huge fight one feels terrible and wants to make it up but is afraid of doing so. Thalia isn't unique in this sense, which is good in that it makes her as a character more relatable (is that a word? i don't think so...) to other readers. Also the last line is a really cool ending to the chapter.

Chapter 12: Once again, totally makes sense: scared to talk to each other but they more or less make up. You portray her emotions in both 11 and 12 really well, especially the part where she's counting the steps down till he replies. It really shows how long and drawn out it feels for her. I also liked how you expressed her restraint, and how the "thumb twitching against the binder held her back." And ending with her asking a question is really effective, and I was looking forward to reading about how it would turn out. So...

Chapter 13: Yes you can. (1... 2... 3...) AW. No but seriously, this was cool. Pace's friendliness towards Thalia isn't even sudden; at this point I'm just glad that he finally isn't secluding himself anymore. Finally she got through to him! Nice going with the whipped cream bit, almost as if he's more of a child at heart than Thalia. Not sure if that's what you were going for but that's how I read it, and that helps to subtly explore his character further (which in my opinion you can't ever do too much). I feel like there was something else I wanted to say but I'm blanking on it... if I remember, I'll let you know.

Chapter 14: Okay you might disagree with me but I love Almirah right now. (Oh that's what I wanted to say: Pace, Gavin, Thalia, Almirah, you come up with some pretty freaking cool names!) She's a bit nosy but in a really sweet way. And even though she is pretty relentless in teasing Thalia, she's really awesome for getting Tyson to like him. I don't know if it's as important at this point in the story but it can't hurt to explore Tyson a bit more; even Almirah reads like an actual person, but right now I'm sorta seeing Tyson as a cardboard cut-out. As a character he doesn't interest me as much. Like I said it might not be important but it can't hurt. Besides that, I like how Pace is a baseball fan. Not to say that I am, but it's really interesting how you opened up that aspect of him that was really pretty sudden and unexpected. I guess suddenness can be good.

Chapter 15: I can see why you would feel that it's icky but I personally don't agree. I actually like how it sorta wraps up the past fourteen chapters by saying "And they were friends." Better than saying "And they lived happily ever after." This chapter has set the stage in what I'm assuming will be a very critical way for the remainder of the story, or at least a significant near-future part of the story. It helps clear the air of any tension between Pace and Thalia.

And as usual, looking forward to the next part!
MODCINI chapter 10 . 8/1/2009
Okay so this is a lumped review of both chapters 9 and 10.

I don't totally dislike Almirah, though I do kinda agree with your bubbly and typical comment. I think that the benefit of having a side character who's "typical" is that s/he makes the story more believable; if you had a bunch of characters who were really special and interesting like Pace and Thalia, the story wouldn't see mas believable as it would with one or two somewhat stereotypically high school type characters (i.e. Almirah).

I did like this element of suspense when wondering "what on earth is going on with Pace?" So, moving right along to Chapter 10...

Personally this made me sorta dislike both of them. Clearly Thalia is being a bit of a cling-on, and her desperation for Pace's presence is beginning to turn towards creepy. She's not giving him enough space either. These things are making me not like her as much as I used to for this chapter at least. You did say "thalia can be a real biznatch," so maybe that's your intention. But at the same time I feel that Pace is being a bit unsympathetic towards Thalia and that's making me as a reader feel unsympathetic towards him. This really clipped tone of his just seems really out-of-the-blue, even considering how confrontational Thalia was. It's sort of reading as if Pace is being rude for the sake of being rude.

I think this is how fights work though, this whole thing about how mean two characters can be to one another making the reader like them less but generally both in real friendships and fictional ones, a real fight somewhere down the road is in many ways a crucial factor in really close friendships. (Okay I realize that sounds really really uber-corny but still.)
MODCINI chapter 6 . 6/22/2009
I really liked this segment. Thalia's emotions were really well-described, and her tension about reading Pace's stuff was very well illustrated. I'm very interested in learning about what Pace wrote/writes about, because whatever it is it seems really profound (okay so that's stating the obvious, so sue me). Also, "speculative fiction" is very well said. I assume that means we're supposed to speculate about it. Very apt, and it's good because it leaves lots of room for reader's interpretation.

I assume also that "suspension of disbelief" is directed at my last review... and perhaps it makes a certain amount of sense. Very good.
MODCINI chapter 5 . 6/17/2009
This is a tiny bit hard for me to believe (this being these past two chapters). Pace's character doesn't seem to be totally consistent with the first three. I liked how you developed Thalia's pursuance of finding out more about him. But when he reveals that he doesn't talk because he's a writer, that doesn't make much sense to me, especially because obviously you're a writer, and I too am a writer of a different sort, and you and I certainly talk to our friends regularly. If he was isolating himself from social contact because he writes, though, I'd guess it's because there's something so miserable and dark going through his head that he can't express it to the world so he has to pour his heart into the stuff he writes, which is totally legitimate, up until the point, that is, at which he agrees without hesitation to let Thalia read his work. If he's refusing to talk to anyone because he writes his thoughts, it's hard for me to believe that he'd be so willing to express his thoughts to a girl he barely knows just because it's through a different medium. Past that, though, it's very well written. I liked how Thalia is so absorbed in hearing Pace just say her name; it really expresses how interested she is in him. And even though I find it a bit unbelievable, I do look forward to hearing about what Pace has to write about.
MODCINI chapter 3 . 6/7/2009
It's very good. The Darwin's Finches thing kinda made me feel "oh no, not those birds again..." but that's just me. Maybe I think too much like Franz Kafka but where she heard his voice, part of me wanted to believe that she was just imagining it. (As to the Kafka thing, he always writes like it's a dream, where the things in the book aren't necessarily the things that are actually happening to the character). But at the moment, it sounds a load like ASE, in that there's a guy who has this mysterious aura and the shy girl vying for the strange guy's attention. It seems a little predictable right now, so eventually I'd like to see something happen that's totally unexpected.