|Reviews for Feed|
| Heightisneverdetrimental chapter 1 . 6/13/2009
Fantastic poem. How did this pop into your head? So original, and twisted :)
| Icyfire4w5 chapter 1 . 6/9/2009
I have always pictured butterflies as adorable, beautiful, cute and so on. I think that your poem is very interesting, since people rarely write about um, bloodthirsty butterflies. Well done!
| Beast King chapter 1 . 6/9/2009
GAH! this was creepy as heck. Although i have to say it was an amazing poem.
| D.M. Noir chapter 1 . 6/9/2009
Creepy. I like creepy so perhaps you're getting off lightly because of content... but that's besides the point.
I've only a few suggestions, minor assure you, and you possibly have already considered them. The poem reads though it should be in song form and I'm happy to see that you've kept a pretty strick adherence to syllables and rhyme scheme. My issue comes in line 6. Firstly to force the reader to take a breath or pause and to keep your rhyming flowing smoothly, I'd suggest a comma after the word 'unfold' so that the line reads: "A red proboscis will unfold, and go into your eye/" Again, it's minor.
The second thing I find awkward is the word 'proboscis'. I am always one for putting the proper word in the proper place but you must consider that you have a very light hearted mood going for you up until that point and by placing such a serious, weighted word in line 6, the middle of your poem, you've isolated it, forcing the reader to take a moment not only to gather what exactly a proboscis is but also the imagery of how it would indeed unfold. I myself understand how such mechanism works but your other, baser word choices, lull the reader into assuming that all words will be readily accessable in their own vocabularies. As it is also the only word in the piece that begins with a P, the reader may also find it not suitable for the word flow. My suggestion would be to use simpler words to create a metaphor.
These were the only two things I could find wanting and honestly they're no big deal. Nevertheless I feel they would help.
Good job overall,
| whisper-sweet-nothings chapter 1 . 6/8/2009
:) cool. I've never thought that much about butterflies before
| Narq chapter 1 . 6/8/2009
Wow, I can't believe you thought of 'this' when you were watching a swarm of butterflies! That's really scary~ Anyways, I must say, despite my fears, you did this in a very good way. It felt a lot like a warning, which I assume that's what you want it to sound like. It's also very very descrpitive - that is, descriptive enough to sent goosebumps up my spine!
| static.mind chapter 1 . 6/8/2009
It's really nice. I personally love butterflies... but now... it got met thinking! LoL :]
I liked the end rhymes... would-should, need-feed, lie-eye, head-dead, feast-beast.
Great job! :D