Reviews for Heiress
revolution XXVI chapter 1 . 7/16/2011
two words. AMAZING! OUTSTANDING!

You have an AMAZING writing style! I could only dream to write as well as you do. Your character is engaging right from the start, and your diverse word choice and description kept me hanging on every word of the story!

Absolutley astounding!
RentBoheme chapter 1 . 2/12/2010
Okay, so we were both nominated for the Best Non-Romance SKoW, so I figured I'd check out your story. I don't have time to read on to the next chapter right now, but this is a cool prologue. It drew me in. How did the character become so dark? I shall read on later!
Rose Alexandra chapter 1 . 2/8/2010
Congratulations!

Heiress has been nominated for the Best Non-Romance Award at the Some Kind of Wonderful (SKoW) Awards.

Best of luck,

Rose

Judge, Most Creative Plot; Best Non-Romance, SKoW Awards

skow./
B. J. Winters chapter 5 . 10/10/2009
Great action sequence.

"her mind was behind a few beats" - I like that. Might have to steal it. :)

"she just had to get under it" - nice way to summarize the quandry.

Overall, I liked this chapter very much. Be careful of the one line paragraph - it's hard with action not to be quick and to the point, but towards the end of the chapter there were several since lines. It's probably necessary for pacing but you do lose some of the drama if you use too many.

I'm liking it. I'll be back for more
B. J. Winters chapter 4 . 10/10/2009
Finally had the chance to catch up - you've made some changes since I was last here, but I've now read to this point.

I like Fabian. Not so sure about the name (for some reason I can't get the 50s icon picture out of my head) but overall his character is rather intriguing.

This chapter started a bit rough in my opinion - I liked the visual imagery, but the bottom line is she woke up and you took a great deal of time getting past that...hum...the three "anywhere"s in dialogue. I'm not sure I'd repeat that many times one word.

The dialogue however was the strong point in the plot. In general it moves things forward and each character has a unique voice. I do like that about Jane in particular. She speaks and then we get a view inside her head. Overall I like seeing things through her eyes.

Shall read on.
anonomous chapter 2 . 10/2/2009
this is great. you are an amazing author. Can't wait for chapter 8! )
Xephia chapter 2 . 8/2/2009
A lot of the wording is pretty confusing, especially in the beginning. How do stars hang? What were they staring at? If you're going to use personification you really need to expand on it a little more.

'Joan didn’t feel fear or discomfort around them' This confused me a little, too. Why did she stutter around the sailor if she didn't fear him? I think you need to explain that too. It's a little confusing.

You're very vague about a lot of things, and not in a good way. Some of your paragraphs don't really have a connection, and that really breaks the flow of your story.

I liked some of your wording a lot, but some of your sentence structures are pretty unusual and there are a few punctuation mistakes. There's also a lot more description than necessary. It got pretty boring pretty quickly.

I really did like the ship name, though. It's sort of ironic, having a ship called Wreck. Although I wouldn't like to board a ship like that.
F. Duplaire chapter 5 . 7/19/2009
I have to say that I really, really like this story! I read it a day or two ago but didn't have time to log on and comment. Anyway, maybe it is the way you write, but I found myself enjoying reading it more than I usually do on fp. There is a good balance between description and action and conversation. I didn't really find any major mistakes, so I guess all I have left to say is I can't wait to read more.
celestial tears chapter 4 . 7/5/2009
Introduction of a new character and a cliff hanger...freaking great. Good chapter. Everytime I read Fabien's name, I thought of Fabio-and it ruined his image.
celestial tears chapter 3 . 7/4/2009
The imagery in this story is quite beautiful and your metaphors are wonderful. Blood into rubies. This story is actually inspiring me to go and work on mine. I feel as if I am watching the opening credits to an RPG, I can picture everything that you have written. Great work. One more chapter to go.
celestial tears chapter 1 . 7/4/2009
Seems like an interesting start but I will never know unless I read the rest. I'm happy that this character does not seem like your typical goody hero who, no matter what they face, it never has an effect on thier soul-glad that the fire she touched damaged more than just her physical body.
gcxcgrl chapter 3 . 6/16/2009
Awesome! This story's getting pretty intense...
Nonlinear chapter 3 . 6/16/2009
Interesting chapter. Again, you show a strong ability for action and pacing. I still have difficulty figuring out exactly what is going on, which makes it hard to truly enter the story. It's a little like being an outside observer to a party you'd really rather be in the middle of, but because you don't have a friend among the party-goers to invite you, you're stuck eavesdropping.

I think the main issue still lies in chapter one. This is a good building chapter, but foundation isn't there, so we're entering houses-built-on-sand metaphor territory. I like Nathan's grittiness (Prince? Yes. Charming? Try terrifying.) and Blair's devil-may-care mysteriousness, and I understand their goals because they've come right out and said them. But the girl that seems to tie everything together confuses me because A: I don't know who she is, and B: I don't know what she did or is setting out to do. Both are sort of necessary to having a story make sense.

Star Wars: An innocent farm boy goes off on an adventure with a mysterious wise man and a pirate to get revenge on the evil that killed his family and save a princess he's dopey for. It's pretty clear cut and this all happens in something like the first 15 minutes. All the fancy bits about aliens, Jedi powers, empires, I Am Your Father, carbonite, Hutt parties, and planet-destroying artificial moons is just frosting.

Heiress: In the wake of the death of the king, a girl with no known history runs from something unknown. ...Please, throw a reader a bone here.

Again, I thought this current chapter is pretty good. It just isn't properly supported by the chapter before it.

Thanks for the read,

C.E.
B. J. Winters chapter 2 . 6/12/2009
Oh, I liked it. Combine the first two sentences though.

Good scene setting - good dialogue. And I liked the last line.
B. J. Winters chapter 1 . 6/12/2009
Interesting. The opening is different enough that it hints at many possibilities. I did however think you could tighten up the 2nd and 3rd paragraph a bit. The talk about 'comfort', and 'almost without knowing it', felt odd to me and a few of the sentences say the same thing.

I would like to know more about "I" - you've left me with no picture in my head except a blank black chalkboard. In a way I like it, but there are some readers who will wonder what they are supposed to do next. Hopefully they'll turn the page.
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