|Reviews for Ravenspire|
| Friggin Awesome chapter 2 . 6/13/2009
Another excellent chapter. I noticed a few things you could have done a bit better, and several things I liked. I'll start with the things that could improve, and save the good stuff for the end.
It was nice how you said he never forgot about how he saw Ravenspire for the first time... but I didn't get that monumental description feeling I was expecting because the narrator said that. I was expecting something like... "The oppressive tower loomed over our meager carriage..." You know, something that gave me the idea of its sheer size? Is it huge? Is it underground? What is this thing I'm seeing? The most I got was dark stone, statues, and lush gardens. I was looking (or more expecting) the tower to be the subject of description. Does it split of into multiple spires? Does it have stone gargoyles flanking it's entrance? Just looking for something more... detailed, I suppose.
Now, the good stuff.
I adore this line.
"When he woke up, Ravenspire was on him."
There's only one small change I would make to it.
"When he woke up, Ravenspire was upon him."
I also much enjoyed how you described Joanna and Leia. Or rather, how you brought their description into the story. It wasn't just describing them because the character looked at them, you described the characters comparing them, but also bringing the Edmund's sight into it.
All in all, well written. More description is all I ask for again, but then again, I like -everything- to be known to me. I'm pretty visual, myself. Keep writing. I look forward to the next chapter.
| Karyn13 chapter 2 . 6/13/2009
wow, I love this chapter! Great detail in explaining the conflict that Edmund had with going with his aunt instead of his mom. Also the last sentence in the chapter is brilliant! It makes me want to read more. Great job! post more soon
| Karyn13 chapter 1 . 6/13/2009
Nice job! I really like the conversation between the two sisters. You made me feel like I was in the room watching them. :-) I hope to see more!
| Friggin Awesome chapter 1 . 6/11/2009
Interesting beginning. Perhaps you could elongate it with further descriptions of Liea, and Joanna? More information about the children?
In either case, interesting story. I'll be watching for the next chapter.