Reviews for Ravenspire
Friggin Awesome chapter 3 . 6/14/2009
First, would like to say, I like the diary format. Good choice.

Noticing a few errors, but nothing a little editing won't take out...

In your first paragraph, you wrote...

"But not that I'm at the destination..."

Shouldn't it be "...now that I'm at the destination..."?

In your fifth paragraph you said...

"I saw a girl as old as old..." You really don't need to say it twice. :P

And in, many of your paragraphs, (but mainly in the third, I noticed) you used excessive long sentences and COMMAS.

As a teacher once told me, "Put that comma gun away!" Cheesy, but right. You have many, many commas. Which I don't usually dislike, but all your sentences were long, and without some variety, it was much less fluent. Remember, readers always read it differently than you do.

Now, some good stuff. As I said before, I liked that it was written in diary form-it really sounded like a little girl wrote this. Though, the beginning left me a little skeptical, it may just be your character.

(The "I just want to be the center of somebody's world." That line seemed odd to me, for one reason. Alot of people (Especially girls) want this, but most -never- realize that is what they want. It's just what makes them happy, and they don't actually notice it's because they are being the center of attention. However, this side note is getting a little long.)

The diary form of this chapter excellently showed the sister's interpretation of her siblings and aunt, which I really enjoyed. All in all, looking forward to the next chapter.

Keep writing.
Friggin Awesome chapter 2 . 6/13/2009
Another excellent chapter. I noticed a few things you could have done a bit better, and several things I liked. I'll start with the things that could improve, and save the good stuff for the end.

It was nice how you said he never forgot about how he saw Ravenspire for the first time... but I didn't get that monumental description feeling I was expecting because the narrator said that. I was expecting something like... "The oppressive tower loomed over our meager carriage..." You know, something that gave me the idea of its sheer size? Is it huge? Is it underground? What is this thing I'm seeing? The most I got was dark stone, statues, and lush gardens. I was looking (or more expecting) the tower to be the subject of description. Does it split of into multiple spires? Does it have stone gargoyles flanking it's entrance? Just looking for something more... detailed, I suppose.

Now, the good stuff.

I adore this line.

"When he woke up, Ravenspire was on him."

There's only one small change I would make to it.

"When he woke up, Ravenspire was upon him."

I also much enjoyed how you described Joanna and Leia. Or rather, how you brought their description into the story. It wasn't just describing them because the character looked at them, you described the characters comparing them, but also bringing the Edmund's sight into it.

All in all, well written. More description is all I ask for again, but then again, I like -everything- to be known to me. I'm pretty visual, myself. Keep writing. I look forward to the next chapter.
Karyn13 chapter 2 . 6/13/2009
wow, I love this chapter! Great detail in explaining the conflict that Edmund had with going with his aunt instead of his mom. Also the last sentence in the chapter is brilliant! It makes me want to read more. Great job! post more soon
Karyn13 chapter 1 . 6/13/2009
Nice job! I really like the conversation between the two sisters. You made me feel like I was in the room watching them. :-) I hope to see more!
Friggin Awesome chapter 1 . 6/11/2009
Interesting beginning. Perhaps you could elongate it with further descriptions of Liea, and Joanna? More information about the children?

In either case, interesting story. I'll be watching for the next chapter.
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