Reviews for Jewfro
Aleigh4evah chapter 1 . 12/6/2011
In the prologue I think you need to space out the paragraphs a little more. When it's all bunched together like that it sometimes can overwhelm readers. You have really good vocabulary but you can't overuse the big words, it doesn't really flow that well. I think the characters were real and in depth. Overall I loved it.
KayCee R chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
It was good. I think it has a lot of potential, just as long as you go more in depth on what happened with him and his friend that is now in trouble. I cant wait to read more
MahaliaRozen chapter 1 . 2/7/2010
nice long chapter (: i like it so far, you do excellent description and dialogue
The Egg chapter 1 . 6/30/2009
This is Egg from The Good Stuff. Sorry about getting back to you so late; I've been experiencing difficulties all to similar to Thomas's lately, if you will understand. Anyway...

You've contributed a nicely written story, although it borders on pretentious at times; the cloud-like form of the prologue would be pretty intimidating to prospective readers, not to mention your choice of language occasionally subtracts from the potentially significant "real" quality of Jewfro. Then there's the regular typos, like:

...Gotta get down there (')for(e)these niggas chief all my green.” He started to leave.'

“Congratulations,” (s)he started in.

“Er… You comin’?” (S)he asked(,) after I didn't follow suit.

Among others.

And although it isn't a typo in the classic sense, you tend to chop up your dialogue instead of making them more complex, lending depth and flow. For example:

“To my room.(,)" I answered, not breaking stride.

or, to improve on an example from Jewfro I used above:

“Congratulations,” (s)he started in(,)“your first day back and you’ve already skipped a class.”

This is a long chapter, so it'd be pretty mean for me to request that you comb through it and improve all the dialogue and fix up any typos you catch...which is why I'm going to ask you to do it for the next chapter you write :). This is definitely a pleasure to read, but I really have to gauge how much energy your willing to put into Jewfro (and making it readable and interesting to the average Ficpress user) before slapping it on the C2.

7.5/10
Rioichi chapter 1 . 6/30/2009
I think it is a very well written story. The chapter is very descriptive and long, great if you plan on publishing. How many pages was it in Microsoft Word? I'll be back to read the second chapter once you update. Don't forget to check out my story Insomnia: Essence.
SabakuNoStupid chapter 1 . 6/23/2009
It was very good. So good in fact, I have nothing to rip on, making me question what else I should put in this review.

I do, however, have a few questions, and they're about Tommy. What are his marks like in school? Regardless of marks, is he intelligent? In addition, is he an artist? If his grades, particularly in English, are not astronomical and he's not an artist, I see a problem here and it's in your language use. People who are not intelligent tend not to use that decent of a vocabulary. However, Tommy not only uses them not only often, but also correctly. The main place I noticed this was in his description of colours, which opens up the possibility of him also being an artist. If he were either a writer of poetry or some sort of painter, he would know more descriptive words.

However, even if fit all three criteria, I would tone it down. Even for someone like me (I often get scolded for using big words), I had to stop and think occasionally to remember the definition of words. That breaks up the flow of the story far too much and makes it seem just like you're trying to make your literature seem better by writing all purple prose.

And that's all I have to say.

Please update soon!
MockingJuliet chapter 1 . 6/23/2009
Oh gosh...why does this not have more reviews? This is an interesting story and very well written. I believe you took an amazing dedication to this story and obviously you are either writing from experiance or you have done a vast majority of homework. As a past drug user, I admit, most can research but never seem to come close, while you actually drew me in and made ME feel like I was back in that world once again. Im sorry, I dont mean to accuse you of taking drugs, that's not what I meant, I am only saying that I believe you have done your research well. I meant it only as a compliment. Please dont hate me lol. Well, I hate to actually use this word but, I am actually ADDICTED to this story. Also, you are amazingly talented. Beyond talented really. I have high expectations for this story and I just know you can full fill it. I hope that for you, writing is more than a hobby, because talent like this...well, please dont waste it. You have a gift.
oHriginal chapter 1 . 6/20/2009
wow

What an amazing story. The sad thing about Fiction Press is that with over a million writers, some of the best stories just go underneath the radar. I absolutely loved this, and I am looking forward to your next update!

There were so many things about this story that made me think professional, and not an amateur writer!

For example, you did not mention the word "said" at all in the entire chapter. That's a bad habit, I am trying to get rid of myself, but you worked with it beautifully I must say lol

I could picture every sentence in my head, as if it was being played out in a movie.

Also, a personal question here! The prologue was just so vivid and descriptive, that either you did some heavy research or that was an experience?

Thankfully I have never taken drugs, or smoked or anything like that, but I kinda felt a bit high lol after reading the prologue. Infact, this whole page is just intoxicating.

This review is getting longer and I do apologize but I am nowhere near finished yet. No spelling mistakes as far as my short sighted eyes could spot, although halfway down somewhere, in the conversation between Thomas and his mother, I think you made an error.

"She was starting rant" Is it not supposed to be, starting TO rant? I'm not sure but I just thought I would point that out.

It's so descriptive! I always admire writers who can professionally describe scenes. I guess that is a big quality you need in order to be a writer, but I enjoy writing dialogue more lol.

Wow. You have only 2 reviews for something which should deserve over 100!

..

Hmm... I should probably stop now, this is getting a bit much lol

Overall, a brilliant story

Update it soon please

Absolutely amazing

Bloody brilliant! (mind the British accent here lol)

Keep it up
Crouchintiger chapter 1 . 6/14/2009
This is a really good story, the way you have introduced the characters is very good as you provide enough time to introduce the main character and then you bring in Amber later, which was just right.

The only issue with this chapter is that you use too many complicated words, which don't flow with the writing. While all the words you use are in context they are distracting to the reader, which is why authors of fiction use simple language.

One example would be this sentence, which is very good and descriptive but doesn't work:

I took a long drag, waiting for the poison to fill every corner of my mouth, and then exhaled, a javelin of smoke erupting from my lips and dissipating into nothing.

Javelin/erupting/dissipating are all very complicated and need to be simplified because the words don't fit in with the context of your character. If your character was going to be super intelligent or you wanmted him to appear arrogant then this would work, but I don't think that was your aim as you don't actually use these words in his speech.

This is really only a small issue because your writing is very good (I do this in my writing often as well without meaning to!) I look forward to reading the next chapter you write and I think this chapter deserves many more reviews!
Randi chapter 1 . 6/11/2009
I'm actually enjoying this story. Please continue. And just as a side note (this coming from a young black woman), it makes me really happy to see a young black man who enjoys writing. Your story is very well written. Keep up the good work.