|Reviews for The Parting Glass|
| theholyromanempire chapter 2 . 6/20/2009
I edit as I read, so here we go. I do hope you read this entire review (sorry it's long) and take what I have to say to heart.
"I’d planned to keep up the façade, keep the smile going until I was in bed at Cloverfield but it had faded after I’d boarded the plane." This sentence is awkward to me. I think that you should break it in two. Also, I think that "in Cloverfield" would read better than "at Cloverfield".
"It had waned slightly through all of the demeaning questions all of the adults in authority had asked as I tried to get to my flight." The first part is fine. But when you start with "all of the adults..." it gets awkward again. I've never heard someone use "adults in authority" before. It needs revision, like you're trying to put too much into one sentence. It's alright to make your sentences shorter! It's called varied length and it helps keep the reader interested.
"...the airport in Dublin”." The period should be inside your quotation marks (a simple typo).
" “”Ma’am, are you awake?”" You have an extra set of quotation marks at the beginning of your sentence. "...the young boy and even younger girl sitting next to me." This part is wordy. I would just say children.
"Sullen and groggy my eyes met..." there is a natural pause after reading "Sullen and groggy" aloud, therefore you should place a comma there.
"...shortly.” A clear voice spoke from the loud speakers of the plane." The "A clear voice spoke..." is a tag and therefore "A" shouldn't be capitalized and the period after shortly should be a comma.
"This was imprisonment, a death sentence for my life." It would be more powerful if you cut out "...for my life."
"The odds were slim to none I reassured myself and I was sure I could reach the emergency exit in five whole seconds, fast enough if I saw the fire right away, which I wouldn’t if the blind was closed." This a long, run-on sentence.
"...another stewardess giving the boy pilot’s wings he was obviously unimpressed with as they left the plane." There's something wrong with this part of the sentence. I'm not sure if it's a missing word or an odd apostrophe, but if you look at it again, I'm sure you'll catch it.
"I liked carrying my own things, like the idea of not having some guy do it for me like my mom always did." Again, same issue as right above.
"...fidgeting in her seat." This is added to the sentence and makes it awkward. Make it its own observation. Again, please don't be afraid of four or five word sentences!
Have you ever been to an international airport? You have to go through getting your passport checked. Customs is only on the way home, but still, Fae is just sitting there. She would have to go through security and then down to the baggage claim before she could be met with a guardian. I travel internationally alone rather frequently and am a minor and have never had someone meet me at my gate. Maybe before September 11 in the US, but in Europe, never.
"She looked barely old enough to cross the street by herself without getting hit and her brother was comatose when under the influence of his ipod." I'd break this into two sentences. Again, don't try and cram everything into once sentence.
And I'm a mix of Dylan and Fae! I read Shakespeare on planes all the time and I loved classical music when I was a kid (and still have a weakness for a mean violin or piano piece).
"...I download a bunch of song and we ask..." Should be songs. Simple typo.
"Getting anything other than the bored slightly annoyed expression from his face I found myself smiling too." This sentence is extremely awkward and needs simple proofreading to correct the mistakes.
“Kin works a lot.” This seems out of place.
"I’d been elated to spend time with her and self conscious." This is a broken sentence. The "self conscious" part doesn't make sense where it is. I'd try "I'd been elated (though self conscious) to spend time with her."
"...of my penne ala vodka." Is it a specific dish from a specific menu? If so, it should be capitalized.
"It was something that was too infantile and humiliating, for me to do, I had my self respect but I was too thrown off." Run-on.
"But she knew how to hold the cigarette just so, in a way that was classy, and reminiscent of old starlets in black and white movies." I LOVE this picture. I'm a big fan of old Hollywood glamor.
"...“wouldn’t want to embarrass me and our father would you”. " This is another awkward sentence. The period should also be inside the quotation marks.
"...the time to wait,” an with that..." Typo: an should be and.
"And I hated being here waiting for someone I was now sure wouldn’t be coming. The waiting area was all but empty by then, after thirty five minutes of waiting." I'd use a synonym for waiting here. It gets repetitive.
"...New York if I no one came..." delete the I.
"Then I turned towards the entrance of the exit." Oxymoron, and not a good one. Just say the exit.
"I hadn’t wanted to but was drawn there by the woman who had sagged next to a wall." Awkward sentence.
"Then with large calming breathes..." You need a comma between large and calming because they are both describing breathes. If large was describing calming, than you wouldn't.
"...pregnant women giving labor..." during labor or giving birth. You don't "give labor".
"...she said affectionate..." affectionately.
"...than most people," the comma should be a period.
"Beyond the pavement of the airport entrance everywhere green and grass and trees." This sentence doesn't have a verb.
"The airport seemed out of place to me around it all, nothing like the pavement and concrete that surrounded JFK." Awkward sentence, just needs your eye for revision.
"It was being ambushed by nature." Nature ambushed it. Get rid of passive voice whenever you can and this is a simple sentence to correct.
"...the bad and slid in beside her." Bad should be back.
"...I didn’t want to look anyways before I closed my eyes to manage my pounding head." This half of the sentence is awkward.
"...I was suddenly hungry and tired and soar." Wrong soar. Should be sore.
"...half awake and dead asleep..." two VERY different states.
"...asleep I found wishing, hoping, that I would somehow find myself waking up in my bed in New York, hopefully in time to not be late for school." Should have a comma after asleep. Insert myself after found.
There! First chapter down. I believe I've set a record for my character usage on this review. Over all suggestions I have for you are reading your work before you post it. Most of my little paragraphs dealt with typos. Also, I marked many sentences as awkward. This stems from you not reading your writing. Another suggestion I have for you is to read it aloud, and where you stumble, it is awkward.
I look forward to the next installment. Please, feel free to PM me with any questions.
| theholyromanempire chapter 1 . 6/20/2009
Hello, you've caught my attention.
First, I'd just like to say that I'm a rather harsh reviewer. Once, I got a wonderfully brutal review that made me sit and think about my writing. I know I've improved from that one reviewer and I hope that I can pass on this knowledge to you.
I like it so far. I think you have an interesting beginning, but it's a bit early to tell. You have potential, which makes me happy.
I don't have much to say about this prologue, which is a first. I think that you've done a good job with the opening, but I might have described NYC a bit more. I've never been there, and I don't get half of the references. Also, the saying you having in here, "Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened," seems a bit out of context? Where did your main character get that? Was it from a friend or one of the many books she stuffed in her backpack?
One other thing. "I’d be back soon. I’d be back soon." Was this meant to be typed twice? I'm not sure. It would make more sense if it was repeated once more, to make three, or if it was only said once.
I think you have a good beginning here and am looking forward to the next chapter.
| Its.Not.Me.Its.You chapter 1 . 6/18/2009
i love it
cant wait for more
hope you update soon
| Singing for Absolution chapter 1 . 6/14/2009
I like it so far! It's a bit early to tell, but she seems strong, and that's a big bit of what counts. The wimpy ones are sort of annoying...meh...can't wait to read more!