Reviews for Destined |
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![]() ![]() ![]() i enjoy it, update soon please |
![]() ![]() ![]() good story |
![]() ![]() ![]() Wow, I thought he couldn't faint Lol, I can't wait to read the next chapter so that I can see his reaction 2 knowing he fainted. |
![]() ![]() ![]() This was kind of a comical chapter...he's confused, he hangs up on Rosa, yet Iaso keeps smiling and keeps saying 'He'll be here soon' lol maybe it's just me |
![]() ![]() ![]() Sweet :) |
![]() ![]() this sounds alot like true blood...except the whole dark and depressing theme... |
![]() ![]() ![]() This isn't the sort of thing I typically read, but you handle creating the desolate tone well and open and close this chapter very well: the first two and last three paragraphs are great. There's a good sense that the narrator is aware of time passing, but also that she isn't paying attention to it, drifting in and out of awareness, as it were. I think the line, "Depression sucks!" underestimates your ability to create the tone. Consider flipping slender and hard in the following sentence: "His slender hard body is still shaking from finding me." i think it would read smoother as, "His hard, slender body..." Spelling - jesters should be gestures paragraph 5 - hm... i didn't notice them move from bathroom to bedroom. Spelling - the cuss "damn" is spelt so, whereas "dam" is a blockage or wall Paragraph 6 - right at the end, consider: "...Daniel shook me awake." "not that I look now, anything like I did then" comma splice. Consider naming the narrator in this ch, unless she remains nameless throughout the story. it helps to attach the reader to your main character if they learn who they are as quickly as possible. You give us a solid picture of her physically and a concept of who she is as a person, but without a name I find myself empathizing with the people around her who have been named instead of the main character. consider saving the description of teleportation for when she is first teleported. as it is, it feels like an interruption in a very emotional moment for the narrator. You've done a good job of pulling the reader in, presenting questions without giving all the answers, and it sounds like you've taken your own approach to vampire mythos rather than adhering to existing legend. |
![]() ![]() ![]() This story is absolutly fantastic! I love it! I could not stop reading it I read it all today. I cant wait to see what happens next. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Drama is about 2 happen eh?, can't wait 4 the next chapter |
![]() ![]() ![]() Great chapter. Glad Ian is okay. But busted by Aerik. Can't wait for your next chapter. |
![]() ![]() ![]() OH BOY, I GUESS THERE IS NO COMPLETE LOVE STORY UNTIL THERE'S A LOVE TRIANGLE, LOL, UPDATE SOON |
![]() ![]() ![]() i love your story just something with editing at least with the last 3 paragraphs you meved from thrid to first person ... |
![]() ![]() ![]() SO SWEET...I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER |
![]() ![]() ![]() Good chapter. only one thing... it's suite not "sweet". but otherwise good chapter. post soon! Col |
![]() ![]() ![]() Very interesting. Can't wait until the next chapter. |