Reviews for Changehood
Sea Turtles chapter 26 . 1/8/2010
Wow. Anne seems to have gained some confidence in this chapter. Patrick seems to have made his move ;-) . Yay for an innocent first kiss (for Anne)! Way to take action, Patrick!

Suggestion(s):

- “This is weird, isn’t it?” Apple said. “The three of us. That hasn’t happened in a while.” (...Apple asked.)

- “You’re painting the room?” Patrick said, sounding amused. (...Patrick asked...)

- Patrick stroked her cheek softly and so she hardly felt it. (...her cheek so softly that she hardly felt it.)

The ending to the chapter was great!
Sea Turtles chapter 25 . 1/8/2010
I've got to admit that I liked the action scene. We finally got to see Patrick use his bugs :-) .

Suggestion(s):

- “You know we’re walking to Ronin Village, right?” Blake said to her finally. (...Blake asked...)

- “So how much further?” Lindsay said nervously. (...Lindsay asked...)

- “What are you doing?” Patrick said. (...Patrick asked.)

- “What are you going to wear?” Blake said. (...Blake asked.)

- “What’s your hurry?” said Lindsay as she started walking again. (...asked Lindsay...)

- “You worried about me, then?” Lindsay said. (...Lindsay asked.)

- Blake looked impressed with Patrick’s recent defeat over Lindsay. (...victory over Lindsay.)

- Blake frantically tried to keep up, covering up his embarrassment for not noticing and his fear for being thrust into a situation he had be ill prepared for. (...situation he had been ill-prepared for. - OR - ...situation for which he had been ill-prepared.)

- “Why would I tell you?” the man said defiantly, though he was clearly completely exhausted from the encounter. (...the man asked defiantly...)

- “What?” Blake said confusedly. (...Blake asked confusedly.)

- “Oh geez, yeah, when did that happen?” Blake said, looking uneasily at Patrick and trying to avert his eyes away from the wound. (...Blake asked...)

- He was thoroughly surprised at her suddenly lash out and at the fact that Blake did nothing to even resemble a reaction. (...her sudden concern. Also at the fact that Blake...)

Yeah, I guess Lindsay's action at the end was a little creepy.
Sea Turtles chapter 24 . 1/7/2010
Poor Circa. It's like the nerd that bullies like to pick on. I hope the truce will last.

I had to laugh when I read about Todd's return:

"quite surprised that his team was almost entirely obliterated with the exception of Blake"

I had to say though, I saw it coming. It was evident that this team would be difficult to manage due to the answers everyone gave shortly after the formation of the team.

I don't think I understood what Shaun meant when he said that he would find a replacement for Owen.

"...with enough skill so that no one was put in harm’s way over a social issue."

Meaning the candidate could be in harm's way if others didn't agree that they had enough skill to be in the 4th squad? I guess some people would raise a ruckus.

Also, I smell trouble:

"For the most part, they clung to the wall, and Patrick basically ignored them. It had become so normal for him that he never even stopped to consider their presence anymore."

Suggestion(s):

- Patrick didn’t mind that he had never gotten an opportunity to go there because he was glad that the Fourth Level Squad didn’t have to remain stationed there for as long as they had been. (...for as long as they could have been.)

- “Jordan, did you wash your hands?” Ross said. (...Ross asked.)

- “How is that helping?” Patrick said with a raised eyebrow. (...Patrick asked with...)

- “You thought it was a surprise?” said Ross skeptically. (...asked Ross skeptically.)

- Of course, she had always felt shame for that day she had last seen Patrick, but the way she envisioned him as a young boy was instantly shattered and the memory itself seemed to melt away. (...felt shame for that day when she...)

- “Not Bug?” Patrick said. (...Patrick asked.)

- She was completely different than from he remembered, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the awkwardness between them or if she had changed since the incident. (She was completely different from who he remembered...)

My favorite phrase this chapter:

"This, of course, only confused Patrick because she was insinuating that he was an equivalent to fun."

It looks like Patrick and Sarella will be able to pick up where they left off, more or less :-) . I never imagined Sarella to be much for awkward moments anyway.
Sea Turtles chapter 23 . 1/7/2010
I am not sure if I read about Patrick trying to coerce anyone into doing anything. Perhaps this happened in the time gap between chapters. I would have picked up on something like that. Perhaps you could say he tried to persuade Riley, but his lack of charisma affected her decision, lol :-p .

Suggestion(s):

- “Why so early?” Shaun Hardlen said suddenly. (...Hardlen asked suddenly.)

- “Sorry?” Patrick said. (...Patrick asked.)

- Patrick was about to retort, but Shaun simply put him his hand to quiet him. (...simply held up his hand to quiet him.)

Way to go, Patrick! I really liked the moment you created between him and Anne in this chapter. They're growing closer together :-) . Yay!
Sea Turtles chapter 22 . 1/7/2010
Interesting. Apple is very sneaky. I don't really know what she was planning on doing with her healing ability other than becoming a medic. I suppose I'm close-minded. I can't figure out what other occupation she could be debating.

Suggestion(s):

- Though Shaun stated everything was under control and they would soon come to a resolution to the problem, most people knew better. (...stated that everything... ...and that they would...)

- “I didn’t hurt.” (It didn't hurt.)

- “What’s that?” Patrick said, alarmed. (...Patrick asked...)

I'm beginning to wonder if Blake is attracted to Sarella.
Sea Turtles chapter 21 . 1/7/2010
I see that Patrick has inherited some pride from his father, heh, heh, heh.

I love the chemistry between Riley and Patrick. Jordan sounds like a cousin of mine, lol. I hope to learn more about him in future chapters.

Suggestion(s):

- Riley teased Patrick playfully as the two of the sparred in the woods. (...as the two of them sparred...)

- In addition, Ross Simon, an eighteen year old member of the Squad had decided to join her. (...an eighteen year-old member...)

- He heard endless things about this Patrick Leary and became increasingly interested with Riley seemed to be so fascinated with him. (...interested with why Riley seemed...)

- Patrick raised a leg to strike Riley, but she only dodged easily to the side. (...but she simply dodged...)

- “It’s not a request and it’s no pressure,” Patrick said. (...it's not pressure...)

- Patrick looked over his shoulder when he noticed Riley blush and didn’t see anything particularly extraordinary so he only turned back to Riley and shrugged at her. (...shoulder. When he noticed Riley blushing and didn't see anything particularly extraordinary, he turned back to Riley and shrugged at her.)

- Patrick was okay for just then, but he hoped he would be able to get some details out of Riley when she got back and then quickly continue their training. (Patrick was okay for the moment...)

I hope that Lica isn't turning on them.
Sea Turtles chapter 20 . 1/7/2010
This is kind of like the aftermath. The storm is over, but we're not in the clear just yet.

I thought it was cool how both of Anne's parents' abilities compliment each other. Folding time and foresight! How exciting! It seems like Anne's abilities will be passive. I can understand why she doesn't feel like she measures up compared to the others.

I'm glad that Patrick is supportive of Anne. It's a shame that her parents are so antsy around him. Perhaps the vision involved him as well? At least the grandmother doesn't seem antsy around him.

Suggestion(s):

- He didn’t think it had anything to do with Sarella being a girl since he had beaten by girls all the time. (...he had been beaten by...)

- He turned around slightly so he could see her, and he observed as she kept her head pointed towards the ground. (...and he observed her...)

- She was growing her hair out and she had it loosely tied in a braid that hung over her shoulder, which only added to her softness and delicateness. (...softness and delicacy)

- “Just because we’re friends and everything,” Anne corrected him. (...Anne added. I can understand why you used "corrected," but for some reason it made me do a double-take since I became focused on looking for what Patrick had said that needed correcting. "Added" didn't really seem right either, but hopefully, it will help you brainstorm.)

- “Why not?” said Patrick. (...asked Patrick.)

Least favorite line in this chapter:

And then that melted away into determination as he made Anne a promise; “I’m going to work so hard that they promote me before the summer. Then I’ll protect you.”

I fear that he may not be able to keep this promise. This would hurt Patrick's character image in my mind's eye (no worries, this is just one of my many quirks as a reader).
gopie chapter 31 . 12/27/2009
I like how Sarella acknowledges it out loud, really emphasises his development after all this time. a good end to the first part, i think. :)

I wouldn't mind if it was added in here, but separately is good too, esp since i think the tone would change a bit now after this..

great story..
gopie chapter 30 . 12/24/2009
I sometimes wonder if patrick has mild aspergers but, i guess it's not relevant in this setting.

i like how their relationship was defined. at least they're honest.
gopie chapter 29 . 12/24/2009
good chapter. really getting more on alex's character, which is nice.
Sea Turtles chapter 19 . 12/22/2009
I'm very curious to know what the future holds for Sarella. It's good that Patrick cares very much about his bugs :-) . I'm a bit saddened that he doesn't appreciate Sarella more.

You write really well. The way you involve emotions in your characters is excellent.
Sea Turtles chapter 18 . 12/22/2009
If Mr. Leary were alive, I think he would have been proud to hear what Todd had to say about Patrick. That note aside, I really wanted to see what the point of the exercise was. I imagine that it's probably a way to get feedback on what everyone else thinks of the team and their abilities. Sarella seemed to be able to get a lot of things off of her chest even if, according to Patrick, she exaggerated. I think that she may have also discovered what her ability is. If it is what I think it is, she would make a rather frightening opponent.

Suggestion(s):

- Granted, they al still had five minutes, but Patrick did not have faith in them to arrive on time and he didn’t suspect Todd would scold them for being late. (Granted, they all...)

- “I never said I did.” (perhaps this should read, "I never said I would.")

- Her face flushed red and, Patrick swore, her eyes began to pulse as her rage while his indifference grew. (...as her rage and his indifference grew.)

Good thing they have people watching over them.
Sea Turtles chapter 17 . 12/22/2009
I liked reading about the development of their relationship. This was good :-) .
Sea Turtles chapter 16 . 12/22/2009
Wow. I would have personally liked to have the team that Patrick was assigned to. I guess I can see where he's coming from. Seriously though, he knew from the very beginning that the teachers had the final say. I'm sure that the other students were surprised at their teams as well.

Then again, this could just be a period of testing.

Poor Todd. I thought he handled himself well. Patrick is letting his emotions get the better of him.

This chapter was good. I thought that it lacked a bit of the flow you had in the previous chapters. I still enjoyed reading it though :-) .
Sea Turtles chapter 15 . 12/22/2009
I see that you've given Riley more of a personality. That's good :-) . I like how she's sort of similar to Sarella, only not as loud. I don't know how I feel about Alexander yet. I'm really curious as to know the details of Owen's death. Also Chesline's for that matter.

Suggestion(s):

- And how long do you stay on that team? Sorry, I just don’t know how the whole system. (...how the whole system works.)

Good chapter.
65 | « Prev Page 1 2 3 4 .. Last Next »