|Reviews for Changehood|
| Sea Turtles chapter 6 . 12/16/2009
O, the plot thickens :-) . Head Change, huh? I'm excited to see where you'll go with this.
I do not like the father. I am ashamed to say that I can almost relate to him. I do believe that if I were in his shoes, I'd probably react in a similar fashion. Even so, I hope someone knocks some sense into him.
- As far as Patrick was concerned, he was only beginning to understand his father more because he did not know the circumstances for this extreme reaction. (I don't know if I fully understand this statement. Consider wording it differently.)
- Generally, it was concerned quite the “not-so-great” thing if the squad appeared at your house, but they didn’t appear to be cross but were, instead, somewhat amazed. (Generally, it was considered...)
- “Is something the matter?” (It's fun to read when someone stutters. Feel free to add that in her sentence :-) )
- He pulled his mask back to reveal he was an unusually attractive youth with soft features and very kind eyes. (...to reveal that he was...)
Good chapter :-)
| ScarletFury chapter 25 . 12/15/2009
Everything I would like to say already seems to have been said so I will just say Thank you for a wonderful read.
| gopie chapter 25 . 12/14/2009
This story is completely amazing. The development and complexity of the character was so well-managed in its pace, and the writing style and plot that so kept me in a grip. It felt like it was written with mature skill, making this powerfully engaging and intriguing..
I'm so glad I decided to check fictionpress today on a whim or I wouldn't have chanced upon this gem of a story.
I truly loved it. Simply amazing.
| papaparazzi chapter 24 . 12/14/2009
yes! sarella comes back!
but oo no. patrick has so many girlfriends.
i think he'll probably end up with riley?
anne seems too perfect! maybe that's cause she IS perfect? riley is so imperfect!
but she is very young...
then again theyre all young.
its funny how old theyve all gotten though! we start and patrick is 3 and now he's 14!
that's really cool actually. i hardly realized so much time had gone by.
i still want him to be with riley.
i dunno. oo.
| Sea Turtles chapter 5 . 12/11/2009
I didn't see that one coming. Such serious chapters. I wonder where Mrs. Leary is...:-( .
I had a thought while reading this chapter. Mrs. Leary is known for saying more than necessary. Sarella is similar. Is her new mother the type of person who can get along with people like that? If so, will a friendship between the two mothers be established? It seems like it could. Now that Mrs. Leary has lost a baby, perhaps Mrs. Teath could provide her with some comfort since she may have experienced something similar (since she adopted Sarella and there was no mention of other children in the Teath household).
One thing that confused me was at the beginning when the happy news was being reported. Sarella Sharry was adopted, in a sense, by a kind family. What gets me is the phrase, "in a sense." To me, it sounds like she was totally adopted. After reading that, I was expecting something like an agreement or something. Like, "she will be living with the Teaths who will provide for her education until she reaches a certain age. At which point, she will no longer have any connections with the family." As of now, it seems like they've taken a liking to her since they gave her a kiss goodnight and she has started to call them Mom and Dad. I guess maybe adoptions don't just happen in this village or something. I don't know. Anyway, I'm not nit-picking or anything. Just letting you know what's going through my mind as I'm reading your story.
Also: Sarella froze. After her seconds of shock, she sprung to her feet. “What do you mean!” she demanded. “She died? She was just born! How could she die?”
Extremely well-done :-) . For someone at Sarella's age to have gone through what she's gone through, I feel like that was a very appropriate response. That and what followed in the chapter created a mature child-like reaction in Sarella.
Also, after this shock, she had another. This time, you wrote: Sarella didn’t react at first. She only sat in her same position and then quietly asked, “What?”
I loved this reaction as well because I could almost see Sarella coming to an understanding. It's like she is trying to process all of this news and trying to figure out what response would work best with Patrick or something. I am very impressed because this to me shows that you took the time to put yourself in your characters' shoes. This is what gives them life. You didn't just give them a cookie-cutter personality where they always react the same way to every stimuli. They experience emotions, they understand, and they grow. This does not feel like an adult trying to use pathetic fallacy on their characters. It feels real. That is refreshing :-D .
- She new she had to visit on this day, though, because it was well past the day Patrick’s new baby brother or sister would be born. (She knew...)
- She nearly felt so comfortable that she almost opened the door without even knocking, but her new mother insisted to politeness. (...insisted on politeness.)
Very good job. Good character development and a very good hook to change things up a bit.
| Sea Turtles chapter 4 . 12/11/2009
Wow, short chapter, but there's plenty to think about. Mrs. Leary did say that she only had enough love for one child over and over again. I wonder if later, she will find that this is indeed true. That would be rather unfortunate. Mr. Leary seems to have missed Patrick. It's hard to tell with him. I think when he put Patrick down and crouched to his level, that was an intimate father/son moment for him (the father). All of this is just speculation, of course.
- He turned to her and said, “Why?” (He turned to her and asked, "Why?")
- It seemed Sarella’s mother was only holding onto life long enough to bring Sarella into the world, and then she promptly hanged herself. (hung)
- I hope you all graduate and I hope even more that I someday work with you on missions in the future. (...that I'll someday work with you... - or - ...that I someday will work with you...)
- They seemed to rouse the other students as they all jumped up and laughed. (That seemed... - or - They seemed to have roused...)
- In fact, he was quite surprised when she hadn’t marched her way onto the bus while they were all sitting idly by waiting for another to come first. (...waiting for one another to go first. - or - ...waiting for someone else to go first / get off the bus first. - add some clarity here. The way it's worded, it almost sounds like the parents were the ones waiting for the children to come to them...after switching subjects within the same sentence.)
- And, judging by the size of her stomach, it must have been very soon. (...it may be very soon.)
- “He still doesn’t speak, does he?” said Patrick’s father. (asked Patrick's father.)
- “You’ve gotten so big, but you’re still jut as handsome!” (just)
Congratulations! You have continued to spark my curiosity :-) . I like that a lot. I am very interested in seeing what happens next. Very good character development in such a short chapter!
| Sea Turtles chapter 3 . 12/11/2009
I enjoyed reading this chapter. I thought it was good to be able to catch a glimpse of what a typical day looked like. Also, now we know Patrick's birthday :-) .
I was able to relate to Patrick. You did a good job of conveying that he didn't want the others to know about his father's ability. Children can be so cruel sometimes. I'm starting to get a feel for what his classmates are like. I hope that given time, I'll be able to distinguish between the children and their abilities. Good work :-D .
- There were two birthdays in January and one in February and he had disliked both of them. (...and he had disliked each one/them all.)
- The only things the students were excited about was the special dinner at the end of the day, as it had come with the previous three birthdays they had experienced. (The only thing...)
- She liked body contact and the sound of her own voice but, most of all, she liked to provoke Patrick into speaking. (...her own voice, but most of all...)
- And, now that there are thirty students in total, we are going to make six groups of five according to the skills we have assessed and what abilities your parents have in hopes to anticipate what you may have. (...what abilities your parents have in hopes of anticipating what you may have.)
- She wasn’t normally shy, but she had been put on the spot so suddenly there was a distinct meekness to her expression and shakiness to her voice as she said: “He founded the village.” (...so suddenly. There was...)
- They had their own villa gated which had a gated in private training area, grocery stores and various other necessities. (...which had a gated-in private...)
- It was disconcerting for Patrick when he would be sitting in the living room by himself and then a horde of flies flutter in and pick up his father’s shoes and then leave. He had grown accustomed to it. (...and then leave; however, he had...)
It amuses me that you always use "Todd Toph" when calling him by name. Is that intentional ;-) ?
| Sea Turtles chapter 2 . 12/10/2009
I was surprised to see that he actually had friends. I'm glad for him, but I didn't expect it after reading the first chapter. There weren't that many kids in the village and it seemed like his mother was always with him and usually had him on her lap, even when they had a lot of guests over. I would think that it would be difficult to make friends being in that situation. Also, Patrick didn't seem like he was very interested in making friends. It was like he was more interested in exploring things on his own, unhindered by his mother or anyone else. I suppose it would have made more sense to me if you had said "peers." It would have helped if you had mentioned that he had been able to actually socialize with people or that the kids were used to his mother and played with him anyway. In any case, I'm glad that he actually has friends :-) .
New Favorite phrase from this chapter: "Yes, quite the unfortunate one, but we all persevere." That line deserves a "Yay!"
Upon reading further, it seemed like I was partially right. Patrick really doesn't seem interested in people. It may have been because he viewed the children on the bus as "rejects." It's very understandable that he would hate his mother. I am glad that you put that in there. It makes him more and more believable as I read on.
I really like the tomboy. I hope she develops into a sort of confidante or something. It would help balance Patrick's personality a bit.
- The year was meant to weed out the ones who were strong enough to continue the training defend the village against outside attackers. (...the training to defend the...)
- I think dim-wittedness and dim-witted have hyphens in them. Dimwit does not need one. You might want to double-check me on that.
- The man smiled cheerfully and looked down at his paper, but for the first time, Patrick wanted his mother to pick him up. (I think if you replaced "but" with "and" it would flow better. I realize that Patrick normally doesn't like being picked up, but it just seems right somehow.)
- Through hard work, the students would present themselves before the village leader and show of his or her skills, and just might be promoted to the Second Level. (...and show off his or her skills, ...)
- In order to become a teacher for First Levels, like Todd Toph aspired to be, he needed to promoted to a Third Level Plus. (...he needed to be promoted...)
- “Patrick Leary,” Patrick’s mother chimed, uttering her son’s name with such joy that suggested he were a great celebrity, and it might even be slightly outrageous Todd Toph could not recognize the boy at once. (I like the elements in this sentence, but it seems very close to becoming a run-on sentence. Is there a better way to word this?)
- “Leary!” exclaimed Todd Toph quite suddenly so even Mrs. Leary was taken aback. (...so suddenly even... is what I would go with)
- Patrick took some hesitant steps backwards and then finally turned and a hurried walk. (...turned and began in a hurried walk or ...turned and in a hurry, walked or something to that effect.)
- They will be cycled as students are taken back the village if they consistently fail the tests. (...taken back to the village...)
- Perhaps it was because she was nothing so much remarkable with her black hair cut so short she might have looked like a boy if not for the fact she was wearing a yellow dress decorated with sunflowers. (...so much more remarkable...? Awkward sentence structure)
- Patrick thought he would rather not play, but the boyish girl was still holding his arm so it was entirely likely she had forgotten she was gripping onto him in the first place. (...holding his arm. It was entirely likely that she had forgotten that she was still gripping onto him.)
- “I don’t want to play,” Patrick said simply as he back stepped away from her. (...he backed away from her.)
- Some of the children were sitting together, as if they had made friends already, but Patrick didn’t feel as though he didn’t want to be friends with the rest of these reject children. (There's a double negative. I think this is the opposite of what you were intending.)
- The car's engine revved. (as long as you meant to say car instead of bus, it's cool. Just thought I'd bring your attention to it in case you wanted to change it for consistency)
Good chapter :-) . Your writing is impressive! It leaves me wanting to read more. I am looking forward to the next chapter :-D .
| Sea Turtles chapter 1 . 12/10/2009
What a great way to start your story! I feel like I've picked up a book off of a shelf at the library and started reading. This feels professional. You do a great job conveying Patrick's thoughts and feelings. I also like how you are able to capture the moments in their lives. That what this chapter feels like. A combination of well thought-out, well-written moments.
I don't think I like the father that much, but I will say that he provided one of my favorite quotes for this chapter:
"My father had this ability!" Patrick's father announced proudly as if he had anything to do with his father's abilities.
- "However," Patrick reasoned to himself later that night as he lied in bed, (lied - layed)
- staring at the perfectly white washed ceiling. (white-washed? I am not sure, but it's just a thought. Also, I feel like there should be a comma after "ceiling" and not a period since I don't feel that there was a complete thought.)
- Besides, she had come from another village when her last name had been Licanya. (this feels awkward to me. Almost like it's incomplete upon first glance.)
I am looking forward to reading the rest of your story :-D . I am hooked!
| ScarletFury chapter 21 . 12/8/2009
Insperational! Thanks so much for telling us such a wonderful story. If you get the chance maybe you could help me with my writing?
| Airblade64 chapter 9 . 12/7/2009
Wow, I'm really liking this. At first, I didn't know what to think about Patrick, but now I think I'm starting to understand him better. As with ARROW, your characterization is excellent. You have a talent for bringing out your characters' emotion and feelings in a very realistic and interesting way, and that in turn makes it easy to identify with them on a more personal level. Oh yeah, and everyone has normal-sounding names. I don't know why exactly, but it's refreshing to see that.
Patrick bothered me for a while. He initially struck me as the sort of person who just despised people for no reason, and that made it harder for me to connect with him at first. Now that I'm nine chapters in, however, I think I can safely say that most of that has changed. I find that can sort of relate to him, in more ways than one.
I like Sarella. She's the sort of gal I wouldn't have minded hanging out with when I was younger, if I'd had any real friends back then. Anyway, she's neat.
I will definitely be keeping tabs on this. Keep it up!
| gowen chapter 22 . 12/6/2009
just wanted to review to make sure you do NOT make apple patrick's love interest. i know most reviews are about this, but really, patrick belongs with anne or riley. (I haven't quite decided which one yet.)
yea cause obviously i'm in charge lol.
anyway, love this story and dont want patrick to end up with a girl like that.
| isaac chapter 21 . 12/3/2009
I think patrick is a really likeable character. I cant exactly pinpoint why, but I think it might be in his quirks. He's quiet but really opinionated and also a HUGE mamma's boy but he'd never admit it.
riley is a good foil for him too. Anne's a little 2D right now. I don't see her blossoming into a girlfriend... i hope not anyway... i want to see him with riley!
keep up the good work. i'm stalking you!
| papaparazzi chapter 21 . 12/3/2009
HE CAN DO IT.
i honestly love patrick, and at first i wasn't sure if i liked riley, but i think she and patrick are sort of perfect for each other...
but i also still love anne and patrick.
he's 12 now right? almost 13. o.O so many responsibilities...
and so many girlfriends to choose from! (2 haha...)
| McFisticuffs chapter 11 . 10/22/2009
great how patrick's sort of accidentally falling into the role of class clown maybe? he's so not clownish so that's really ironic. I love this story btw