|Reviews for Doctor Neutrino's Bare Knuckle Science Adventures|
| Michael Panush chapter 6 . 9/29/2009
That was a good story, and it had some exciting action scenes and cool characters and ideas, but the Haven thing did seem kind of pointless, as it really didn't add anything to the story. Maybe Haven will play a larger role in later stores, but here it just seemed kind of superfulous. The descriptions were also a bit better, and it was good to get some idea of what the apemen were like, but overall, I couldn't really get a good picture of Isabel Balisong. And how did she know about IKE and the Deuce? Despite those little bits, I did enjoy this story a lot and I look forward to the next one.
| DeepSeaDragon chapter 6 . 9/27/2009
Awesome chapter. Molotov lived up to the hype, and Isabel seems quite cool. I expect we'll be seeing more of both from hereon.
Pretty sure that was supposed to be Krupp talking.
Can't wait for the next one!
| DeepSeaDragon chapter 5 . 9/24/2009
Ah, yes. I've been looking forward to getting to this one.
"Ting the Terrible" was pretty entertaining. I'm still imagining Max Von Sydow in the role.
Chu is pretty cool. I liked the "Bullet Ballet" homage in his actions scenes. He definitely graduated from the John Woo school of gunfighting. Glad he'll be a recurring character.
Neutrino doesn't like Canada very much, does he?
I'm also liking Molotov. Compared to the lunkhead Spencer, Molotov seems to be a much more respectable villain... even if his troops are intelligent mutant chimps.
| DeepSeaDragon chapter 4 . 9/22/2009
As a fan of kaiju eiga, I have to admit, this was a great chapter to read. Tyrantor was a pretty formidable foe, and Dr. Kitano might just be the absolute scummiest villain yet! His speech about human experimentation made my skin crawl.
Sad to see Robo-Lord go. It sounded pretty majestic in the classic Super Robot tradition.
I like the sound of Molotov's chimp/man/mutant troopers already. It's kind of saddening to see that there's only one more chapter; I'm loving this series so far. Keep up the good work.
| DeepSeaDragon chapter 3 . 9/22/2009
After Nate and IKE bashed Nazis on the moon in the last chapter, I didn't think things could get any more over-the-top... until two super-scientists, a giant mantis, a gun-toting robot, and an army of giant killer ants mangled the Ku Klux Klan in this one. Beautiful. The action scenes continue to impress, and the "cascading disintegrator" was one helluva gadget.
The only complaint I have is that the scene transitions near the end of the chapter weren't very clear- all of a sudden the scene changes to Dick Spencer (whose first name says it all) and his gang. Maybe some sort of line break would make the transition smoother? Anyway, this was an incredibly entertaining chapter. You've got the whole pulp atmosphere on lock. Well done!
| dreamshell chapter 3 . 8/10/2009
The robot grins?
[“Yup,” Neutrino activated several glowing buttons next to the steering wheel. “Our first stop is Macon County, Alabama. The heart of one of the most disgusting parts of the United States: the South.”
“Ah, yes, Doctor. The super-scientist we need to meet to is Doctor Benjamin Booker of the Tuskegee Institute,” Dr. Neutrino added. “Krupp said he's a spaz, but a good person. He studies agricultural pest control and increasing crop yields, oddly enough. He was a favored student of George Washington Carver.”
“Doctor, from what I understand, the individuals on that list were engineers, scientists, and individuals with the power to create super-scientific devices. How and why would a researcher on one of humanity's oldest sciences be included on that list?” IKE inquired, turning his metal head.]
For the above, clear up who is talking and when!
You need to pace yourself a bit more, as well as tease the readership a bit. Saying things like “Neutrino teleported” or “a giant ant appeared” isn’t very dramatic, descriptive, or interesting. Build that stuff up a little.
“They would not be able to teleport out of this.” Well, why? Does the teleporter gizmo take time to recharge or something? An explanation would be apt.
You had Neutrino “grin” before and after a sentence. Watch repetition, as I always tell you. Also, try not to keep saying the same thing over and over. ;)
The bit with the pheremones reminds me of using bugbait to control the antlions in HL2.
Spencer is still a flat character to me.
This was an alright chapter. Felt a bit rushed, though.
| Michael Panush chapter 4 . 8/7/2009
This was a good chapter, with lots of cool action and an aweosme monster on monster battle at the end. But there are few flaws in your writing that are marring it. Nate Neutrino's Fifties slang is cool, but I think he uses a little too much of it. It seems like 80% of his dialogue is Fifties slang, which makes it a little hard to follow, as well as kind of annoying. I think tuning it down a little would be good. Also, a lot of your action scenes could use some more description. The monster battle at the end was very cool, but I never really felt the impact of these two titans battling each other. Some figurative language or metaphors about the weight of their blows and some descriptions of the sounds of the giant lizard and robot would help flesh it out a little more and really make it a cool scene. The new Soviet bad guy seems pretty cool, and I love his apemen minions. I look forward to the next one.
| TorgoTheWhite chapter 2 . 7/30/2009
Sensing major early Heinlein right here :). I like the nice retro style of the story telling.
| dreamshell chapter 2 . 7/8/2009
“The rocket flew over the Nazi moon base. The base was on the far side of the moon, and there was no mistaking who had constructed it.”
These two sentences together just barely come short of being redundant. Perhaps it would be better to combine sentences? Something like, “The rocket flew over the Nazi base on the far side of the moon.” The “who had constructed” bit isn’t needed at all, really.
“The central building was a massive [tomb]…”
Hmm. Might be better to mention the eager-with-swastika and the swastika-shaped corridors in the same sentence. Something like, “The main corridors of the base resembled a swastika from orbit and on top of the central building was the bust of an eagle holding a smaller version of the Nazi symbol.” Use that or make it your own, whatever you want.
“US” was used again too soon after the first time you used it.
“The helmet was a dark fishbowl looking one…” This sounds a little weird. Why not just say “The helmet was like a dark fishbowl…”?
“…while the suit itself resembled a suit of armor.” Suit… suit. Bit annoying, man.
I think you go off into irrelevant tangents describing all the doodads or explaining how something works a lot. Just get the gist of it across and get the story moving.
“IKE nodded.” Probably could break on the previous sentence, this one adds nothing important.
“Lunar surface” soon followed by “Nazi moon base.” You just reclarified the “being on the Moon’ thing, you could probably just say “Nazi base.” Admittedly not as cool-sounding, but not redundant, either.
“Descent,” not dissent. It takes more than spellcheck, Jave.
Lunar surface… lunar surface…
IKE followed… IKE followed… _
*reading* See? THAT is where the word “dissent” belongs. *continues reading*
The scientist… the scientist…
“There was no sound as the bullets fired.” This seems out of place. I know you’re trying to do the “science-y” thing and make a point that there’s no sound in space, but it’s not needed.
Ironic you make a point to mention that No One Can Hear You Scream, but you go all Hollywood Science with the decompression. XD But hey, Rule of Cool totally wins there.
Yeah, more overexplanation of the suits. Pacing!
Otto Dietrich? I thought it was Rolf…
“Strangely, inside, they continued wearing gasmasks.” I’m assuming this won’t have any bearing on the plot, so I’ll just write it off as a Javetrope.
“…and [shooting] several the scattered [ones].”
“…shooting the Nazis trying to [flank] him…”
Hmm… I think I’ve just noticed you didn’t give any kind of description on Dietrich.
Oh. So, that’s why there’s gasmasks. Um… yep… that’s… that’s a reason.
“IKE led the way…”
Find out some synonyms for “follow.”
Uh… okay, so this Cohn guy makes a note of pointing out Neutrino stopped a crazy Space Nazi while still stressing he’s an enemy and Spencer flips a dick about it and thinks he’s going soft? Doesn’t make sense. And Spencer’s utter Strawmanness really, really, REALLY aggravates me. Like, not in a way that makes the character interesting. In a way that makes me wish you’d write him better in the future.
Neutrino… has… a wife? Yeah. Okay… o_O
Well, this was... a chapter. The Space Nazis were really glorified extras, though. I wish SOME sort of detail had been put on them, other than the descriptions of their suits and base.
| dreamshell chapter 1 . 7/8/2009
I like the name gag, but the more formal “Dr. Harold Hausen” would make it just a little bit better, IMO.
Is there some significance to the code “29368” or did you choose it at random?
“The truck [sped] forward…”
[Out of another car's window leaned a man with an M3 Grease gun. He fired wildly, shattering the rear view mirror on Dr. Neutrino's side. He fired single shots at the leading car's engine block, hoping to stop the car. Instead, the bullets ricocheted away harmlessly.
“Damn armored cars,” he muttered as he aimed for a not as protected target.]
This chunk makes the issue of who you’re focusing on confusing. Who is “he” in the beginning of the third sentence, Neutrino or the G-man? My guess is the latter, which would mean the armored car comment is probably Nate, too, but you need to clarify that. If it WAS the G-man, then I think a focus on/commentary from him would be out of place.
It’s “hangar,” not “hanger.”
My usual comment of avoiding words/phrases used repetitively in close proximity to one another applies here, too. Some phrases of note are “back of the truck,” “out of control,” and, in the end with Spencer, “into the sky."
“The robot [then] climbed out of the truck…”
“Since Nate didn't need to breath, bathe, eat, or shower, he would last longer.” Uh… kind of out of left field. And really, some sort of human limitation would make him a little more relatable.
“It [was] also good…” Besides that typo, this sentence is a bit info-dumpy and sort of “making up” for not setting up this fact earlier.
“The auto-charging batteries in that robot certainly had been made to last.” I see no reason for this sentence to be included, let alone put where it was.
“…I worked with my family's company…” Shouldn’t it be “vith”?
“Krupp continued, his accent as thick as always.” This in unnecessary, since you already set his accent up.
“…[for] the V2 rocket…”
“…zhey will control ze [direction?] of all of zheir research for years to come!”
“But [zhere] are [some]…” This would be more along the lines of how the sentence should go, following the grammatical rules you’ve set up so far.
“[Some] of us…” Again, following your rules. Look for more of these yourself, I’m not going to remark upon every one.
Ugh. Now I saw an “un.” If you’re going to use that, any use of “a” or “an” used earlier by Krupp (if any) need changing. Please, try to be consistent.
Ooh, is that an Iron Sky reference towards the end there? Nazis In Space is, of course, a popular pulp trope, though.
“He had turned several otherwise moral, upstanding good white Americans into nigger and Jew loving Godless heathens.”
Dude. Trying way too hard to make this guy a villain, and too soon at that. This conclusion Spencer jumps to has no credence (though maybe that’s the point, but it’s still a weak execution) and just seems to be there to pound the fact this guy is a racist into the reader’s (read: my) skull.
Despite all my critiques, you know I like this. I’ll comment on the other chaps ASAP.
| Michael Panush chapter 3 . 7/8/2009
This was a very cool story, and I only wish it was longer. The giant ants, the giant mantis, Booker riding the giant mantis, and the battle with the Klan was just great. I do think you should have spent a little more time with the descriptions of the giant ants and the battle. Tell me about the ichor spraying out after they shoot an ant, about how Chitters looks like and how his blades are a blur when he strikes. Give me some more description on the forest clearing being illuminated by blazing crosses and the Kluxers walking about in white. Talk about the fedoras on the G-men and their crisp (or rumpled) suits. A longer story would also show more of the relationship between Booker and the community, and show me more of his character. He seems like an interesting guy, and I'd like to know more about how he feels about his students and the south and such. The cliffhanger ending was great, and I can't wait to see if Neutrino and IKE are gonna try and rescue Neutrino's wife, or what villainy Spencer is up to.
| The MAP chapter 1 . 6/19/2009
I like your writing style. You're straightforward for the most part, but your dialogue is kind of quarky. It's a refreshing combonation.