|Reviews for Night Child: Ace's High|
| SPK chapter 5 . 9/2/2013
Just found out JC covered NIN. Oops lol. Good song either way.
| SPK chapter 5 . 9/2/2013
Did not know the NIN covered Johnny Cash's song Hurt- will have to listen to that.
I like your story a lot so far. It's pretty interesting. If you could find someone to fix small grammatical errors and whatnot, an editor, you could make it better. But it is a very well thought out and well written story. :D
| Getemono chapter 10 . 3/2/2011
Ok you big baby, I read it all XD
Very good, I enjoyed it a lot! The only thing I would have you work on is describing surroundings and actions a little more; the beginning (particularly Ashes' introduction scene) was full of it, but as you went on it became more about what the characters were thinking and feeling. Not that that's a bad thing, but background and whatnot helps draw people in.
Other than that, great characters, good storyline and very strong writing. I hope you work on the next installment soon (I need to see Samuel and Sang in action!).
| Darwin chapter 3 . 8/29/2010
Right off the bat I love your song quote. The Crow soundtrack is one of my faves. Had it on tape, then bought the first CD and then had to replace it with another I listened to it so much! "It Can't Rain All the Time" is my absolute fave on that album.
The first section here confused me at first, until I remembered that he has horrific scars on his hand. That makes this a flashback. Might want to look at a way of setting apart the idea that this is a remembrance. I might suggest you have Ace wake from this nightmare and say look at/hide his hands.
"But at once, the sinking feeling of despair hits in." Uh..."The sinking feeling of despair hits." or "Despair sinks in."
Overall very interesting, obviously whoever wants him for this plan is giving him options. Not good if what they say is true about his part in all things going on right now!
Look over it for some of the errors like above. There were several spots that tripped me up. Though I can't find them now that I'm looking for them!
| Darwin chapter 2 . 7/27/2010
Hello again. Just waking up...thought I'd get one more chapter read this morning before working on my stuff.
I'm reminded so far in this story of a Fan fiction my daughter is writing. She includes a lot of music references as well. It was nice to see a classic Metallica song in your inclusion! LOL! I remember that video...
"a plane long sleeve shirt" I think you mean plain as in simple here.
"de-thawing in the fridge," okay I had to giggle at this one. "De" means "not," "thawing"...well you know what thawing means. So she's essentially saying their not thawing...so defrosting, or thawing. *Smile*
"Ache in that way only moving them can cure." This is a fragment...and if you're using Word to write your work, this is probably Xmas tree'd green. In these cases I hyphenate them to the sentence previous. "...but my legs ache - ache in a way..."
"Until we met up with Ashes, who was more (than) happy to inform us on the nitty gritty details of Incarnate, most of which he found out himself." Several things, first is the Then/than... Then refers to a time period. "Back then I was better looking." Than is a comparison between objects "Better red than dead." In your case it should be than not then. As this is written it is a fragment - a long one, but one none the less. How about: "Until we met up with Ashes, who was more than happy...we had little to go on regarding Incarnate's origins." This closes out the sentence. I would also pull out "most of which he found out himself" and make it a separate sentence after the first.
You have a very well paced build up going on here, giving the readers enough information to entice them to stick around without beating them over the head with the information. You've successfully avoided data-dumps and allowed the details to come out in a fairly natural straightforward manner! I like it!
I will be back later for more!
| Darwin chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
Hello...your back-story got me intrigued over on DA so I figured I would come see what the story is about.
Oh, over on DA I'm Tigershark06, just so's ya know!
You have a very good grasp of storytelling. Your character voices are very strong, and there is an identity forming for each, though we've only just met this group.
"and bars are wielded on to the windows" "To wield" is to brandish or carry. I think you mean welded.
"bloodstains on his(t) shirt and pauses" small typo... or perhaps it was supposed to be "his t-shirt"?
"Other the the fang marks we confirmed" Other than?
"A conversation about the nineteen year old starving musician we attacked and locked up yesterday while Maxwell inhales stale fried rice is about as normal as it gets around here." This one confuses me, I will profess. How about: "We continue our conversation about..."
"I jolt to the flutter of a plastic" A Plastic what?
""The blood(')s stopped..." for "Blood has"
"have you been keeping up with these vampire theories online these days?" Heh, I hate when I forget to start dialogue out with a capital...I'm sure you didn't mean that...dang thing doesn't auto-correct! Oh also, and this is just a matter of stylistic preference on my part, I would reword this just a touch, "keeping up with the vampire theories these days..." It gets rid of a redundancy and sounds a lot better when read aloud.
"Does the word "Incarnate" mean anything to you?" Quotes inside of dialogue should use a single apostrophe rather than quotation marks (unless your in Europe, they work the opposite.)
Personally, I refrain from using "he said, she bellowed, they whispered," in dialogue these days. I've found it is much more dynamic to show the readers with action rather than tell them with descriptive. Pare a few of them out and see if you think it reads more strongly.
The suggestions in this review are just that, suggestions, you are welcome to take them or leave them as you like. I got my share of hard knocks for much of these same things over the years. HEH.
I will be faving and coming back to this as I get some time! Looking forward to more!
| Lady Lucia chapter 2 . 7/18/2010
Again, you establish characters very well. I love this Maxwell character. At this point, I understand Ace's character is frozen in fear, but I hope to see more of him in the future...more development to see where he goes.
I totally loved the description of the zombie...I do likey the zombies!
Well...to answer your question about what to review...it's totally up to you which one of my stories catches your interest. All of them, minus Inner Demon, are complete short stories or poems.
So...whatever suits your fancy. _
| Lady Lucia chapter 1 . 7/17/2010
Usually I'm turned off by these first person POV switches...but this isn't that bad. I like how you quickly established a solid sense of Heidi's character with "I slam my coke down on the table as Maxwell walks into the room. His hair's a fucking mess, and he's still wearing the same bloodstained Shabutie shirt as yesterday." Very nice.
The only thing I want to see is more setting. You seem to have the characters down with promise of evolving them, but as far as the story's main setting, it's so general and vague compared to your presentation of characters.
Simply giving a few sentences worth of description to the physical setting around the characters can provide more depth to the overall setting of your story.
There were also a few grammar/typing mistakes. Fear not though for my typos range in the billions.
Anyways...if time permits, I'll see if I can return to this story -
| PISTASHHIOO chapter 1 . 7/12/2010
oh im really liking this story so far!
i cant wait to see what happens!
and i will ferssuuree let you know about any mistakes if i notice them. (:
| dawnyday chapter 1 . 7/7/2010
i like it :)
i read some part but i have to leave so i will catch up later :)
really good !
| MadelineAngel chapter 10 . 7/6/2010
This was amazing! Once I started reading, I couldn't stop. This story flowed very well in my opinion. Please please please make another story! I would love to read more!
Keep on writing! :)
| Monster Kid chapter 5 . 6/24/2010
hah well i really love this story so far! it's killing my stomach but odly enough i can't stop reading it o.O hmm well i just wanna say the part where Heidi cuts the ropes is kinda... over worked, and in ANY OTHER story i would say it's total bullshit to put something like that in but it just kinda fits in this one GOOD JOB
| purplehost chapter 1 . 6/24/2010
That's a pretty damn impressive first chapter. It had impact without being overly dramatic. You somehow managed to balance all the characters into doing bad things, but instead of feeling that they're cruel, it seems like they are just human with faults like everyone else, even if they did knock out an innocent kid. I feel really bad for Ace. Keep up the good work.
| kiririe21 chapter 10 . 6/24/2010
Wow, this is addictive :) I sure hope there's a continuation. I kept 'flipping' the pages eagerly to read what happen next. The flow was really good as my eyes was glued to your every word. I apologize as I'm not very good at english and couldn't give you any constructive comments. Anyway, I was really caught up in reading that nothing can distract me. Well done!
You made my day with this story :D
| Niltiac Tsegrah chapter 10 . 6/17/2010
That was amazing. Completely, totally, undeniably amazing. I ended up having to plug the laptop in because I took as long as I did to read it, to really read it instead of speed-reading like I usually do.
There are some grammar mistakes, but you said yourself that your eye fizzles out when you're looking for mistakes.
Keep writing, Karma. Keep. Writing. D
(Are you ever gonna say why Incarnate needed Ace? What was the scar all about? I wanna know.)