very sad, bittersweet story. it would be nice if the japanese bits had parenthetical english translations right after them. also, "allez dans" would be better as "entrez" and i'm not sure what you were going for with "Ne vous sentez pas très, Michel!"

but, other than those small technicalities, the pacing of the story is good and the switching between ryuya and michel keeps the interest of the story, while working in good description.

bravo! keep up the good work!