|Reviews for don't give me your commiseration|
| Elementer chapter 1 . 7/21/2009
Form This kinda annoyed me, I know it was supposed to be half of heart, but I like traditional poetry. That may be just me but I like regular stanzas, none of that heart, apple or image poetry.
Enjoyment: I didn't really enjoy much of it to be honest. I mean it didn't seem original, you seem to use poetic license way too much in my opinion, while it's a handy tool I would go overboard. There are almost no caps whatsoever, words are bunched together, there are things like brackets that have no practical use at all. I loved the ending however.
Descriptions/images: You give immese detail, I have to give you kudos on that. You get me reading because you make me feel it a bit, it feels more like a story than a poem, and I can dig that. The caps, italics, underlinings, and bold words were getting on my nerves a bit though.
Subject: Like the others I feel the gay guy killing himself because soceity doensn't accept him his very unoriginal. I understand this may be an important topic to you and to some, but all gays don't get treated like that. In fact it doesn't happen as much as you would think.
In all, a 8.1 out of 10
Congrats on winning WCC too! And do forgive me if I came off harsh, I like to "keep it real" as some would say, I like to give detailed concrit, you did a much better job than I did.
| Cottia chapter 1 . 7/21/2009
So I will be honest, I don't care much for the random (seeming) bolded, capitalized, italicized, etc. words. I realize that this is a major part of your style, but for me, it only distracts me from the poem, and doesn't add anything to my understanding/enjoyment of it.
I did, however, enjoy the shape of this poem. I love concrete poetry, and this one in particular is impressive, all the more so because ffnet can be incredibly irritating about style and formatting. I liked the half heart, and the idea that it could symbolize either a broken heart or an 'unusual' heart/love, or whatever else the reader had in mind.
There were a couple of grammatical choices that stood out to me. Firstly, the first line ("wings, he wish he had") I found really grating. Strictly grammatically, it ought to be either "wings, he wishes he had," or "wings, he wished he had," but definitely not "wings he wish he had." I don't know whether that was deliberate or a typo, but it was very jarring and made me stop and reread the line several times, distracting me from the flow of the piece.
On the other hand, I really liked your use of the phrase "maximum [damn]-age." It also made me pause, but this time in a positive way. I like the play on words, and it feels both clever and meaningful (not just there for the sake of the pun).
Although for the most part, I felt that the meaning of this piece was clear (homophobia, rejection, etc), I did not understand the last few lines at all ("he lifts the rifle to her lips and lays his head beside..."). While I could probably think of a few scenarios in which those phrases made sense in context, it would be difficult, and I fear that it would require too much twisting of the original meaning. This is not to say that I require all poetry to be obviously clear and understandable, simply that I found "don't give me your commiseration" a bit too confused for me to understand completely.
| Lea Ai chapter 1 . 7/15/2009
I am really bad at reviewing poetry, (especially in depth!) because I feel poetry is a personal expression—it is difficult to review someone’s soul. But since you won WCC (congratulations!), I will do my best to review this.
[Flow] – It flowed well throughout the piece, like all the passion from the top was forced down into a little point at the end. I know you were going for an image of a half a heart (or possibly a wing), but this flowed more like a funnel. It started light and then all the emotion was poured through it until it siphoned down to a dripping of bitterness and hate out the bottom. It made my stomach knot up with all the emotion. Nice job!
[Descriptions/images] – I felt the imagery in this poem was powerful. I especially liked the line, “still he refuses to let them see the way the words engulf the thin sheet that is & was his soul.” I felt you captured the emotion of many pained teenagers who feel they are ostracized from society—homo or heterosexual.
[Subject] – I felt the characterization of the gay teenager was a bit clichéd. The boy that is into “girly” stuff, hated by society, has all been done before. Just like straight people, homosexual people come in large variety and it would be nice to have something different. This just felt like a typical gay teenager on a TV drama. I would have liked to see more depth.
[Other] – I loved how you used the shape of the poem to help get your meaning across. It was beautiful. However, there was one instance where I felt the shape added confusion where it should have been causing more and more passion. “brother always insisted on being the one to inflict the maximum [damn]-age.” Because the words [damn] and “age” were separated, I read them as separate and stopped the flow of the poem in order to figure out what the “maximum age” was. I wonder if that wouldn’t fit in better when he is talking about his parents—keep the family together. And since that is a wider part to the heart, it should keep those two words together. Of course that is just a suggestion and I’m probably the only one who got caught up on that! :-D
Anyway, again, congratulations on your win!
| Duckies chapter 1 . 7/11/2009
Wow - awesome work with the creation of the half heart; probably took awhile too, since FP is such a bitch with formatting. It worked really well and was a very effective use of symbolism.
On the subject of appearances though, I must say I'm not too fond of some of the grammar, but that's only because I'm a sickler for cpaital letters. The formatting you used quite well done though, you chose which words to emphasise carefully, and that had a very powerful effect.
I like that you're showing this boy, who is homosexual, in a kind of different light - oftentimes, the character is either really overly feminine or so angsty that his personality gets completely lost. However, in this poem you managed to portray him more as a human than just 'some gay guy.' Although what he did at the end wasn't so great, I could still feel for him and relate to the character right on through.
Really creative and original take on the prompt, good luck for WCC :)
| Carus chapter 1 . 7/11/2009
I love this, very original. And you've dealt with the subject matter very well. I like your usual style of emphasising certain words or phrases with italics/bold/underlining etc., so that was good too :) As usual.
Quick question - when I first saw the shape of this, and read the first word, I thought it was in the shape of a wing, but then it could also be half of a heart... which is it? Or is it both? :)
Sorry this review's so short. Just wanted to let you know I liked this.
| Nicki BluIs chapter 1 . 7/11/2009
I like the structure of the poem - the skewed bell curve. However some of the formatting details were... lost in the shuffle maybe. At times the intenet behind the emphasis was clear or at least decipherable. Other times it felt random and haphazard. Good job! And good luck with WCC!
| Anticlimatic Climax chapter 1 . 7/10/2009
Amazing. I couldn't stop reading once.
| Manifest-Destiny-x X chapter 1 . 7/9/2009
This has such a powerful rhydthm! I was utterly captured and enthalled. The word choice really packed a punch and brought out what you wanted to convey. I am a fan of all of your 'highlighting' techniques. I often do that myself, but it was particularly strong and well carried ot here. I also loved the shape of the poem. It added even more meaning.
| young and the reckless chapter 1 . 7/7/2009
my god. a work of genius.
i was going to go through and pick out all of my favorite phrases,
but i think that would take too long.
just know this is incredible. incredible.
| fatbird33 chapter 1 . 7/7/2009
this is so beautiful. i thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Your style was really refreshing too. great story. good luck in the WCC:)
| Unique1952 chapter 1 . 7/6/2009
I really like the concept, the message, and the physical format. Nice work with this, it's reallt cute.
I instantly got the heart when I clicked on this piece and that immedietly attracted me to the poem.
Nice work with this, it's a very cute poem.
| tangerine dreamer chapter 1 . 7/5/2009
o wow. i love, love, love the format of the half heart, like part of this person's heart is missing. it's very creative and the symbolism fits perfectly with the topic at hand.
the metaphors, biting honesty, and play on words make this an enjoyable read. there's so much emotion that shines through everything and you can really feel the pain behind the poetic words. i love when poems do that.
excellent work, and good luck with the wcc!
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 7/4/2009
First off, I loved the imagery of the HEART that your verses took shape with. Not only was it lovely to look at, but it also fit very nicely with the theme of the piece.
The opening sections: “wings, he wish he had./not to fly away but just to look at.” was particularly strong - so many people chose to detail the refinery of homosexual males and how they are foppish to a degree that straight men are not, but I loved the angelic imagery and undertone. It sets up nicely for the reader to understand/emulate/appreciate the character, even though toward the end he does not do so very angelic things.
I’m kind of on the fence about the middle section. The iconic religious red-neck parents of the gay teen has been done so much and overused in the past. Don’t get me wrong, your writing was top notch, I guess something different would have been nice. It’s somewhat of a standard for oppressed gay literature.
The ending was well played, we still feel for your character, yet understand the levels that he has to go to protect himself and the idea of who he is. Keep up the good work.
| Isca chapter 1 . 7/4/2009
Holy cow. I bet it took you awhile to get the formatting down since FP is usually pretty anal about that. I love that the poem is shaped as half of a heart. You're so creative.
Ahaha. The words "Am I right?" reminded me of one of my school-friends. She always says that. :P
I like the fact that the man doesn't want wings because he wants to fly, but because he wants to look at them and touch them-that's kind of vain, yet erotic.
I like the contrast between the words 'closet' and 'straight.' Good message. There's a lot unnecessary discrimination going around these days.
OH MY GOD. The ending is amazing. He never lost the beat of her heart...while she's bleeding from the shot...wow that's dramatic (and awesome).
Great work. Good luck in the WCC this month. :)
| ArekuKawaii chapter 1 . 7/4/2009
First off, before I even read the poem, I absolutely love that it is in the shape of half a heart. That is very creative and hard to do.
' even licks at his veins' That line is simply brilliant. I love it because it is a unique way of putting it.
He never did lose the beat.'
The shape of that and the periods are so fitting but I can't find the words to explain why.
This poem was amazing and told a sad story.
I liked this poem because I have nothing to say about it that I don't like or think you could improve as well as this poem put me in a lose of words...