|Reviews for Lush|
| Amanandia chapter 1 . 11/24/2011
Wow. That is the only word I can use to describe this. Just... wow. A good wow, though!
This is a heartwrenching piece - well done. So brutal but so beautiful. I commend you for this. That last paragraph was... wow.
I loved it. :)
| KagamiNoRyukuKai chapter 1 . 9/11/2009
First thing first, wow. Summing it up - tragic tale.
I'll try to do it according to the template since it's relatively helpful in critiquing in-depth.
The opening sentence/question was strong. It pulled the reader immediately without preparation, and I think that's a good hook. Surprises and things beyond expectations are always necessary, and as the passage kept on going, it kept up that kind of momentum which drove home the strength of the voice of the narrator.
So, to follow, although there was no clear sense of character defined, I think the narrator, Robin, and Alice, her partner, were suitable and no real extra details were needed.
This is an emotional piece, so it's best left where it really shone: the vivid details of the narrator's thoughts and Alice's reactions. I am not exactly sure if it's a vengeful piece, or just a statement of how love blinds so much that even an abusive relationship such as this one would last. It saddened me when I read it.
Minor issues I had with reading: some sentences were not arranged correctly i.e. too long or too short. You had some run-on sentences and fragments. The previous reviewer pointed some of them out. There were also tense conflicts. Everything was in past tense (mostly) so having present tense coming in was a bit conflicting.
BTW, what is lush exactly? Yes, it's an alcoholic, but I also feel like there's a second meaning implied in the story. I am not exactly that prudent to detect it lol.
Usually, it probably looks better if everything is nonitalicized and only thoughts and emphases italicized, but that's just a personal preference. Oh and final thought: master the power of the semicolons; your sentences become less wordy and have more flow/flexibility using them.
P.S. Love the content, love the strength of the content. It's really well-done for what you are aiming for.
| Angel-Leigh Jones chapter 1 . 9/6/2009
This was really great. I love the style where she is talking to someone who didn't seem to be there. A great read.
- Opening... I loved the first sentence - Meet my eyes,won't you. It made me want to read more. The whole first paragraph hooked me. Only very few people know exactly want you want on your birthday -so that sentence was very strong - it meant a lot to me.
- Scene... There isn't much of a scene which is powerful on it's one because she could be anywhere reading or writing this and you wouldn't know. So its really good, because the scene is your imagination. Very cleverly written.
- Characters... They are strong. I'm pretty sure there is one character and she is talking about another the one who beats her - they way its written is powerful and strong. I am sympathetic because - You can see her pain and hatred at the fact they won't look her in the eyes because they are ashamed of what they did to her.
1. There is a few run on sentences. For example - You might have the same chestnut hair and arms and legs and flat, coffee-colored stomach, your little feet and ears and hands might be the same. - there is lots of and's in that sentence. I would write it like this - You might have the same chestnut hair, arms, legs, little feet, ears, flat coffee-coloured stomach, and hands. - i would drop the same at the end.
2. Beat the shit out of me, really. - i would put 'You' at the beginning of the sentence.
3. I guess it really was my fault, you punched me in the stomach once, I don't even remember what it was over, some stupid shit, and without thinking, without reading you to look and see, I just said what came to mind. - this sentence is a bit long - i would write it as - I guess it really was my fault. You punched me in the stomach once, i don't even remember what it was over, some stupid shit. Without thinking or reading you to look and see, i just said what came to mind.
- Other... the only other thing i could point out is that its all in italics. Not sure if that was by purpose. I guess its alright if that was all her thoughts- is it?
Angel - The review game