|Reviews for The Bonny Ship|
| trustnme chapter 9 . 5/15/2010
I'm just taking my FIRST Final TODAY! So lucky!
Anyways, 50th review! Yay! - haha
Interesting chapter. Many, many things going on. It seems Eva doesn't want to confront what happened the night before with Shelley... I'm sure as we've all noticed by now that she undeniably has an attraction to him, so could her hesitation be from her near-rape experience then? I swear, she's absolutely torturing Shelley in this chapter with her "innocent" gestures and words. Poor guy.
As for Shelley, his bipolarity was quite frustrating in this chapter. When he told Eva about his story, I kinda felt it was anti-climactic yet very riveting at the same time. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like you'd think it'd be much much worse and yet it is pretty bad considering what we're told of his character. Although, you did cap it off nicely with his outburst about his fear, so good job. haha
So once again, I was very very impressed by your nautical knowledge, this time concerning the masts. *virtual applause*
Can't wait to read more!
| trustnme chapter 8 . 4/21/2010
Oddly enough, I didn't find this chapter cheesy as you implied. Shelley's character - with its almost bipolarity - keeps it from being cheesy. The entire dancing sequence was a bit fluffly, but still good.
| luzanima chapter 1 . 4/19/2010
I'm excited to learn you're editing this! I read it ages ago and found it to be so much fun. Are you envisioning any plot changes, or just cleaning things up?
| dru83 chapter 4 . 4/12/2010
So, I've read up to chapter six and everything is nice so far. The fun thing about this kind of writing is that you can be grammatically incorrect, as in the pirate's language, and it makes the story better. Here's some edits for Chapter 3:
This, not his:
However, as he helped her to her feet, he added in a serious voice, "You must understand, miss, that his(this) is simply an exception.
that, not which:
Lachlan made a face which(face that) he tried to hide discretely, but Eva still noticed it.
Also, "I wouldn't drink" or "I would not drink":
He led Eva carefully belowdecks(below decks) and added in a soft warning, "The biscuits aren't so bad as long as you don't mind the occasional weevil, but I wouldn't [not] drink the ale if I were you.
Also, to be grammatically correct, it should be ever instead of never, but I'm not sure if you wanted it to be correct or not:
"Soft?" Eva turned slowly upon Alf with a dark scowl upon her face. "Who said anything about [sioft](soft), my friend? Has the captain [n]ever invited you into his cabin?"
He abruptly stood and offered her an arm, letting her lean heavily upon him as he led her abovedecks(above decks).
There were a few sentences where you could have put a comma after the initial word to set a pause point. This mostly depends on how you feel about how the character speaks. However, I think a comma would work well here:
Lachlan chuckled. "Well(,) Alf certainly won't be found anywhere in your vicinity for a long time."
Semi-colon instead of a comma:
She felt inclined to make him wait,(wait;) nevertheless, she made her way resolutely from the cabin.
Whole, not who:
"Besides, I think the who(whole) process is ridiculous, the way eligible men strut about in front of young ladies, flaunting money in their faces and talking of good matches as if it was simply business."
I think this should be "the two of them;":
The man crouched in front of the [both of them,] (two of them;) oblivious to the indignant stares he received.
I'm not sure here, but I think it should be gentle women, not gentile women:
"I'm only telling the truth. I doubt you know a thing about (gentle) gentile women at all."
Because it's at the begining of a quote, "you" should be capitalized here:
"You, sir," she breathed, "you(You) are the vilest, lowest kind of villain. You revolt me, and if I could, I would rid the world of you."
All right is two words:
She stifled a groan and smiled at Peter's round white face to prove she was alright(all right).
Well, that's all for this chapter, I'll proof the other chapters eventually. Don't be put off by the number of edits, they're mostly just little nitpicky things. So, I've read everything you have up so far and everythings pretty good and I can't wait for more.
| trustnme chapter 1 . 4/11/2010
I like how you've adapted Captain Hook and made him your own. There are still a few minor grammatical mistakes, but other than that, a very intriguiing story considering it's still being under revision. The plot seems a bit scattered at the moment in my opinion. You have two conflicts between what's going on with Shelley's plans concerning the island's natives and his ongoing rivalry with Coulter but nothing really seems to be coming to heads with either situation. I guess the scatteredness reflects the fact that everyone seems to be stuck in this timeless limbo at a cursed island.
I have to say that I love that you took much care to research the nautical jargon before undertaking the story. The sad part about most pirate stories I've read on FictionPress is that authors only seemed to hold onto the barest knowledge of ship details and sailing in general.
I also appreciate your painstaking detail because it does mold the story more and brings about that realistic sense. IT'll be interesting to see how this story progresses.
| dru83 chapter 3 . 4/1/2010
So, here's some edits for chapter 2.
Eva attempted to make conversation as they ducked belowdecks(below decks), realizing that it would be in her best interest to make as many friends as she could upon the ship.
no space inbetween replied and the comma:
"I can't walk on deck in this!" Eva replied ,(replied,) indignantly plucking at the shirt she wore.
The journey to the captain's cabin took twice as long as Eva's journey from it, and to her chagrin, she noticed that there were more men abovedecks(above decks) by then.
hear not ear:
She could (h)ear him as he began to strap on his hook.
"What about your neckcloth(neck cloth)?"
The comma should be a semi-colon:
She flushed and looked away,(away;) not knowing what it was about that gaze that made her feel so bashful.
It looked like a pocketwatch(pocket watch) on a chain.
You are a guest, my dear, and as your host I must point out htat(that) it is too dangerous for you to go to the island for the time being."
"That's comforting," she muttered drily(dryly).
I think this would work better as one sentence, join them with (, as):
She almost forgot to join in on her whistle, stunned by his agility on the keyboard(, as). He only had one hand to play with.
It should be than, not when here:
No sooner had she done so when(than) the captain strode into the cabin, a dark scowl masking his features.
Eva pretended to be thoroughly involved in the book, which was actually a guide to naval warfare, quite drily(dryly) written.
Add the here:
"That is not (the) half of it, Captain Shelley.
So, that's everything I spotted. Another nice chapter. I liked getting to see the dual nature of Shelley's persona here. Nothing quite like a guy who can be fun-loving one second and a cold-blooded killer the next. It's also good that you let us see his human side right after, by saying, "He seemed drained. His face was white and his arms were shaking." Anyway, I liked this chapter and I'll keep reviewing them, it just takes me a while because I'm a busy guy.
| dru83 chapter 2 . 3/28/2010
So here's some nitpicky Sp/Gr changes for ch. 1.
My changes are in ()
She was still far too tired to move, and though her clothes were cold, the sand had been warmed by the sun(sun had warmed the sand), and it was soft—if rather itchy.
A semi-colon instead of the comma here:
The source of the sound could not be pinpointed,(pinpointed;) rather it seemed to be coming from all around her.
You don't need the comma here:
One of the chain links caught against a rock in the process, and pulled against the trap.
No hyphen on well coordinated:
Sailors shouted to each other, well-coordinated(well coordinated) and trained in their specific duties.
Also no hyphen on sea captains:
Overall, he reminded Eva of portraits that she had seen of naval war heroes, great sea-captains(sea captains) that were long since dead.
Below decks here:
With that, Mr. Ezra disappeared belowdecks(below decks), and the captain began to lead the way toward Eva's quarters.
Dryly not drily:
"It's just a box," Eva responded drily(dryly), not in the mood to move so soon after sitting.
Shirtsleeves is one word:
The doctor hastily shrugged out of his coat and began to roll up his shirt sleeves(shirtsleeves).
I think this works better as one sentence:
"Captain," Eva gasped in pain, "thank you for attempting to distract me.(, but) I'd just as well not talk right now."
I think it should be while instead of which here:
Lachlan was nearly cross-eyed in concentration, and sweat dripped off the tip of his nose, which(while) Captain Shelley discretely tried to look away.
Again, dryly not drily:
"Hop?" Captain Shelley suggested drily(dryly).
I think this works better as one longer fragment instead of two short ones:
Lachlan snorted. "Rum.(, and) Plenty of it.
So that's all I've got for this chapter. One other thing...It seems kind of wierd for Eva to not like whistling when she plays the pennywhistle, which would have a similar sound. Anyway, this was another good chapter and I see you've been busy with rewriting more chapters so I'll proofread them when I get a chance.
| Chocorange888 chapter 5 . 3/27/2010
I really hope that I will get to read the edited version of this story (and I'm really glad that I haven't read the original actually, because now there's nothing to remember and compare it to) Thanks for the story.
| dru83 chapter 1 . 3/24/2010
I had really enjoyed this story when I first read it a few months ago. Now I'm trying to remember everything so I can figure out what you've changed. Anyway, the prologue is nice. It read very cleanly, I only noticed a couple nitpicky things the second time I read through it. There are a few instances where you say "abovedecks" and "belowdecks". These are usually two seperate words i.e. "above decks" and below decks". There were a couple times where MSWord's Grammar checker wanted a semi-colon instead of a comma:
Certain that she was about to be sunk, (sunk;) Eva closed her eyes and groaned when the ship righted itself with a snap.
Eva couldn't help but notice that the same rope was secured around his waist, (waist;) its other end tied around one of the masts.
In this sentence, "of water" is redundant:
"I—" Eva tried to respond, but she was cut off by another wave (of water).
Another nitpicky thing, from this prologue, my mental image of Eva was of a fancily attired lady in a white gown soaking wet getting drowned by her expansive skirts, not the pants wearing tomboy that we meet in the first chapter. This isn't really a bad thing though. I like what you've done so far with the prologue and the first few chapters. These are all just little nitpicky things that could be left alone and the piece wouldn't suffer much. Again, I didn't notice these on my first read-through. The action read really nicely and gave us a nice snapshot of Eva's character and past. I'll review the rest of the chapters in detail later, but I only noticed a couple minor errors in each one.
| Blood Zephyr chapter 8 . 2/21/2010
-.- Parts of this story remind me of Peter Pan and LOST... Is that intentional?
| Stephanie M. Moore chapter 19 . 1/22/2010
Wow! What a gorgeous story. I love your loose parallels to the story of Peter Pan; it really adds a nice spin to your story.
You create the emotion of each moment so well. When Eva was flogged, I was entranced. Excellent work.
I could just go on and on with compliments. All in all, great piece. I am *extremely* impressed.
I look forward to seeing more of your work.
| jlr chapter 19 . 12/15/2009
I really liked your story. It was fun and adventurous, and the love story was believable. The ending, in particular the epilogue, is a little more melancholy that perhaps it is meant to be. I am pretty sure that it is due to the relaxed tone of time passing by rather than the actual events. Good work. ~jlr
| Icyfire4w5 chapter 2 . 11/18/2009
1) "She did manage to bite one of the men throughout the process, shouting loud obscenities, the nicest of which was “bloody scoundrels."" Woohoo, I love Eva, since she's so spunky!
2) "It seemed to Eva that he perhaps thought of himself as one of those honorable men." Yeah, yeah, one man's hero is another man's villiain. ;)
3) "She could, when thinking very hard about it, actually picture him as a young man at Lawson, a school for adolescents of wealth." I believe that Shelley's past is really, really complicated. Well, maybe his parents have disowned him.
| Icyfire4w5 chapter 1 . 11/18/2009
Congrats! This chapter is short, yet it's full of lovely details. By the way, Eva seems intriguing...
| BlueAki chapter 2 . 11/16/2009
I'm definitely enjoying this story so far.