|Reviews for The Bonny Ship|
| trustnme chapter 17 . 6/19/2010
Simply splendid. No sooner had I finished reading your message reply to me that I saw the alert for this chapter. I'm quite sad that it's about to be over yet eager to see what you've written to far for the sequel.
I laughed at the implication (intended or otherwise) when I read "Captain's Wife" as part of Eva's "duties." haha
What I especially loved, besides the ending - simple yet perfect -, was that you cleverly used "JAS" which is of course another nickname for James and another reference to Peter Pan. Also the "girlie" reference. Funny. Loved it! haha
As for Peter, you'd have to think about the logistics of getting him off Lost Island if we ever want to see him again. :D
| trustnme chapter 16 . 6/19/2010
I have not commented yet, not even last chapter, and I must say, you really know how to surprise!
Poor Peter. He could have been great. I'm sure it's just devastation and having Coulter's genes that turned him. Heh.
Everything's moving along well and very quickly. I tip my metaphorical hat to you for the ghost ship sequence. That was a clever redemption. Shelley's apology was very good and very, very sad. I loved it. Almost teared up myself. :D
Can't wait to see what's next!
| trustnme chapter 14 . 6/17/2010
Ah, finally managed to read this. Very excellent and entertaining as always. You know, with all that was happening with Eva and Shelley, I entirely forgot John was a priest. haha
Shelley's proposal was awesome and totally him. Abrupt with undertones of being sweet in his brash way. :D Kudos to you!
And seeing Peter wasn't a complete surprise, since all that noise that went on outside the door couldn't have possibly not have woken him.
Can't wait for the rest!
| trustnme chapter 13 . 6/16/2010
Ah, another exciting chapter. Honesly, I was with Shelley and was screaming half the time reading for Eva to already kill Coulter when she had the chance. haha
I really thought Coulter would read Eva's message aloud, or at least give it a read, so I was surprised when he did tear it up.
Congrats on winning the L'Action Award! You definitely deserve it!
| trustnme chapter 12 . 6/10/2010
I would like to say first off that I have missed you! haha Very, very good and intriguing chapter. I was thoroughly disgusted by Coulter's implications towards Eva, especially after reading your little sidenote at the very end about the kissing bit.
I really like how you paralleled Peter's situation with "The Prince and the Pirate" story, and you brought about that parallelism very well, too.
I was gagging a few times with the Coulter-Eva interractions. Just plain creepy. haha I have an inkling where are you going with this, but then again, you left so much to go into different directions, so I'll keep what I have in mind to myself for the while.
Awesome job! Can't wait for the next chapter!
| lili999 chapter 1 . 5/23/2010
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| trustnme chapter 11 . 5/22/2010
And I thought the chapter before last was your emo one? haha I'd call this chapter more tragic than emo, although there is a lot of brooding!
You had me totally guessing and wondering what I had missed when Shelley and Eva kept worrying over Lachlan's words UNTIL you finally explained what they'd been worrying about! I'd thought I'd missed it in the last chapter or something.
I found one small grammatical mistake:
However, infection set in despite his best efforts, and survival depended entirely on Eva's on strength, if even that.
*I don't think you meant to put two "on's" there. Heh.
I love your wordplay, especially when you described Shelley doing "absolutely nothing." Brilliant and witty. You know what? I knew he'd miss, but in that he actually would hit her, just not kill her. haha
And I just LOVE you "I love you" scene. So simple and yet has all the impact any cheesy romance novel tries and fails to make!
Overall, this chapter was just so fraught with terror, rage, and unfathomable sorrow! You are truly one of the few great writers on Fictionpress, and I don't say that lightly! I'm very intrigued as to Shelley's last words to Coulter and am eagerly waiting to see where the story goes!
| trustnme chapter 10 . 5/17/2010
Lovely chapter. Shelley's bipolarity is always amusing. I wonder what made him so happy? haha
I really do now sense Patrick O'Brien influences. Especially with Shelley and Lachlan as foils. I was very impressed that Lachlan knows how to pick a lock. haha
What I loved most about the chapter was just Shelley's quips to almost everything. He was so entertaining!
Can't wait for the next one!
| Daimond Dream chapter 9 . 5/16/2010
I'm glad to report that I really like the story thus far. You have a very nice style - I like the way you express yourself. It seems - sophisticated? At any rate - it's really good.
| trustnme chapter 9 . 5/15/2010
I'm just taking my FIRST Final TODAY! So lucky!
Anyways, 50th review! Yay! - haha
Interesting chapter. Many, many things going on. It seems Eva doesn't want to confront what happened the night before with Shelley... I'm sure as we've all noticed by now that she undeniably has an attraction to him, so could her hesitation be from her near-rape experience then? I swear, she's absolutely torturing Shelley in this chapter with her "innocent" gestures and words. Poor guy.
As for Shelley, his bipolarity was quite frustrating in this chapter. When he told Eva about his story, I kinda felt it was anti-climactic yet very riveting at the same time. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like you'd think it'd be much much worse and yet it is pretty bad considering what we're told of his character. Although, you did cap it off nicely with his outburst about his fear, so good job. haha
So once again, I was very very impressed by your nautical knowledge, this time concerning the masts. *virtual applause*
Can't wait to read more!
| trustnme chapter 8 . 4/21/2010
Oddly enough, I didn't find this chapter cheesy as you implied. Shelley's character - with its almost bipolarity - keeps it from being cheesy. The entire dancing sequence was a bit fluffly, but still good.
| luzanima chapter 1 . 4/19/2010
I'm excited to learn you're editing this! I read it ages ago and found it to be so much fun. Are you envisioning any plot changes, or just cleaning things up?
| dru83 chapter 4 . 4/12/2010
So, I've read up to chapter six and everything is nice so far. The fun thing about this kind of writing is that you can be grammatically incorrect, as in the pirate's language, and it makes the story better. Here's some edits for Chapter 3:
This, not his:
However, as he helped her to her feet, he added in a serious voice, "You must understand, miss, that his(this) is simply an exception.
that, not which:
Lachlan made a face which(face that) he tried to hide discretely, but Eva still noticed it.
Also, "I wouldn't drink" or "I would not drink":
He led Eva carefully belowdecks(below decks) and added in a soft warning, "The biscuits aren't so bad as long as you don't mind the occasional weevil, but I wouldn't [not] drink the ale if I were you.
Also, to be grammatically correct, it should be ever instead of never, but I'm not sure if you wanted it to be correct or not:
"Soft?" Eva turned slowly upon Alf with a dark scowl upon her face. "Who said anything about [sioft](soft), my friend? Has the captain [n]ever invited you into his cabin?"
He abruptly stood and offered her an arm, letting her lean heavily upon him as he led her abovedecks(above decks).
There were a few sentences where you could have put a comma after the initial word to set a pause point. This mostly depends on how you feel about how the character speaks. However, I think a comma would work well here:
Lachlan chuckled. "Well(,) Alf certainly won't be found anywhere in your vicinity for a long time."
Semi-colon instead of a comma:
She felt inclined to make him wait,(wait;) nevertheless, she made her way resolutely from the cabin.
Whole, not who:
"Besides, I think the who(whole) process is ridiculous, the way eligible men strut about in front of young ladies, flaunting money in their faces and talking of good matches as if it was simply business."
I think this should be "the two of them;":
The man crouched in front of the [both of them,] (two of them;) oblivious to the indignant stares he received.
I'm not sure here, but I think it should be gentle women, not gentile women:
"I'm only telling the truth. I doubt you know a thing about (gentle) gentile women at all."
Because it's at the begining of a quote, "you" should be capitalized here:
"You, sir," she breathed, "you(You) are the vilest, lowest kind of villain. You revolt me, and if I could, I would rid the world of you."
All right is two words:
She stifled a groan and smiled at Peter's round white face to prove she was alright(all right).
Well, that's all for this chapter, I'll proof the other chapters eventually. Don't be put off by the number of edits, they're mostly just little nitpicky things. So, I've read everything you have up so far and everythings pretty good and I can't wait for more.
| trustnme chapter 1 . 4/11/2010
I like how you've adapted Captain Hook and made him your own. There are still a few minor grammatical mistakes, but other than that, a very intriguiing story considering it's still being under revision. The plot seems a bit scattered at the moment in my opinion. You have two conflicts between what's going on with Shelley's plans concerning the island's natives and his ongoing rivalry with Coulter but nothing really seems to be coming to heads with either situation. I guess the scatteredness reflects the fact that everyone seems to be stuck in this timeless limbo at a cursed island.
I have to say that I love that you took much care to research the nautical jargon before undertaking the story. The sad part about most pirate stories I've read on FictionPress is that authors only seemed to hold onto the barest knowledge of ship details and sailing in general.
I also appreciate your painstaking detail because it does mold the story more and brings about that realistic sense. IT'll be interesting to see how this story progresses.
| dru83 chapter 3 . 4/1/2010
So, here's some edits for chapter 2.
Eva attempted to make conversation as they ducked belowdecks(below decks), realizing that it would be in her best interest to make as many friends as she could upon the ship.
no space inbetween replied and the comma:
"I can't walk on deck in this!" Eva replied ,(replied,) indignantly plucking at the shirt she wore.
The journey to the captain's cabin took twice as long as Eva's journey from it, and to her chagrin, she noticed that there were more men abovedecks(above decks) by then.
hear not ear:
She could (h)ear him as he began to strap on his hook.
"What about your neckcloth(neck cloth)?"
The comma should be a semi-colon:
She flushed and looked away,(away;) not knowing what it was about that gaze that made her feel so bashful.
It looked like a pocketwatch(pocket watch) on a chain.
You are a guest, my dear, and as your host I must point out htat(that) it is too dangerous for you to go to the island for the time being."
"That's comforting," she muttered drily(dryly).
I think this would work better as one sentence, join them with (, as):
She almost forgot to join in on her whistle, stunned by his agility on the keyboard(, as). He only had one hand to play with.
It should be than, not when here:
No sooner had she done so when(than) the captain strode into the cabin, a dark scowl masking his features.
Eva pretended to be thoroughly involved in the book, which was actually a guide to naval warfare, quite drily(dryly) written.
Add the here:
"That is not (the) half of it, Captain Shelley.
So, that's everything I spotted. Another nice chapter. I liked getting to see the dual nature of Shelley's persona here. Nothing quite like a guy who can be fun-loving one second and a cold-blooded killer the next. It's also good that you let us see his human side right after, by saying, "He seemed drained. His face was white and his arms were shaking." Anyway, I liked this chapter and I'll keep reviewing them, it just takes me a while because I'm a busy guy.