|Reviews for The Bonny Ship|
| dru83 chapter 2 . 3/28/2010
So here's some nitpicky Sp/Gr changes for ch. 1.
My changes are in ()
She was still far too tired to move, and though her clothes were cold, the sand had been warmed by the sun(sun had warmed the sand), and it was soft—if rather itchy.
A semi-colon instead of the comma here:
The source of the sound could not be pinpointed,(pinpointed;) rather it seemed to be coming from all around her.
You don't need the comma here:
One of the chain links caught against a rock in the process, and pulled against the trap.
No hyphen on well coordinated:
Sailors shouted to each other, well-coordinated(well coordinated) and trained in their specific duties.
Also no hyphen on sea captains:
Overall, he reminded Eva of portraits that she had seen of naval war heroes, great sea-captains(sea captains) that were long since dead.
Below decks here:
With that, Mr. Ezra disappeared belowdecks(below decks), and the captain began to lead the way toward Eva's quarters.
Dryly not drily:
"It's just a box," Eva responded drily(dryly), not in the mood to move so soon after sitting.
Shirtsleeves is one word:
The doctor hastily shrugged out of his coat and began to roll up his shirt sleeves(shirtsleeves).
I think this works better as one sentence:
"Captain," Eva gasped in pain, "thank you for attempting to distract me.(, but) I'd just as well not talk right now."
I think it should be while instead of which here:
Lachlan was nearly cross-eyed in concentration, and sweat dripped off the tip of his nose, which(while) Captain Shelley discretely tried to look away.
Again, dryly not drily:
"Hop?" Captain Shelley suggested drily(dryly).
I think this works better as one longer fragment instead of two short ones:
Lachlan snorted. "Rum.(, and) Plenty of it.
So that's all I've got for this chapter. One other thing...It seems kind of wierd for Eva to not like whistling when she plays the pennywhistle, which would have a similar sound. Anyway, this was another good chapter and I see you've been busy with rewriting more chapters so I'll proofread them when I get a chance.
| Chocorange888 chapter 5 . 3/27/2010
I really hope that I will get to read the edited version of this story (and I'm really glad that I haven't read the original actually, because now there's nothing to remember and compare it to) Thanks for the story.
| dru83 chapter 1 . 3/24/2010
I had really enjoyed this story when I first read it a few months ago. Now I'm trying to remember everything so I can figure out what you've changed. Anyway, the prologue is nice. It read very cleanly, I only noticed a couple nitpicky things the second time I read through it. There are a few instances where you say "abovedecks" and "belowdecks". These are usually two seperate words i.e. "above decks" and below decks". There were a couple times where MSWord's Grammar checker wanted a semi-colon instead of a comma:
Certain that she was about to be sunk, (sunk;) Eva closed her eyes and groaned when the ship righted itself with a snap.
Eva couldn't help but notice that the same rope was secured around his waist, (waist;) its other end tied around one of the masts.
In this sentence, "of water" is redundant:
"I—" Eva tried to respond, but she was cut off by another wave (of water).
Another nitpicky thing, from this prologue, my mental image of Eva was of a fancily attired lady in a white gown soaking wet getting drowned by her expansive skirts, not the pants wearing tomboy that we meet in the first chapter. This isn't really a bad thing though. I like what you've done so far with the prologue and the first few chapters. These are all just little nitpicky things that could be left alone and the piece wouldn't suffer much. Again, I didn't notice these on my first read-through. The action read really nicely and gave us a nice snapshot of Eva's character and past. I'll review the rest of the chapters in detail later, but I only noticed a couple minor errors in each one.
| Blood Zephyr chapter 8 . 2/21/2010
-.- Parts of this story remind me of Peter Pan and LOST... Is that intentional?
| Stephanie M. Moore chapter 19 . 1/22/2010
Wow! What a gorgeous story. I love your loose parallels to the story of Peter Pan; it really adds a nice spin to your story.
You create the emotion of each moment so well. When Eva was flogged, I was entranced. Excellent work.
I could just go on and on with compliments. All in all, great piece. I am *extremely* impressed.
I look forward to seeing more of your work.
| jlr chapter 19 . 12/15/2009
I really liked your story. It was fun and adventurous, and the love story was believable. The ending, in particular the epilogue, is a little more melancholy that perhaps it is meant to be. I am pretty sure that it is due to the relaxed tone of time passing by rather than the actual events. Good work. jlr
| Icyfire4w5 chapter 2 . 11/18/2009
1) "She did manage to bite one of the men throughout the process, shouting loud obscenities, the nicest of which was “bloody scoundrels."" Woohoo, I love Eva, since she's so spunky!
2) "It seemed to Eva that he perhaps thought of himself as one of those honorable men." Yeah, yeah, one man's hero is another man's villiain. ;)
3) "She could, when thinking very hard about it, actually picture him as a young man at Lawson, a school for adolescents of wealth." I believe that Shelley's past is really, really complicated. Well, maybe his parents have disowned him.
| Icyfire4w5 chapter 1 . 11/18/2009
Congrats! This chapter is short, yet it's full of lovely details. By the way, Eva seems intriguing...
| BlueAki chapter 2 . 11/16/2009
I'm definitely enjoying this story so far.
| kara16 chapter 1 . 9/23/2009
I adore this story. It has me hooked and i cant stop reading!
| Barranea chapter 8 . 9/9/2009
Hullo again, time for the chapter review, brought to you by...KISHI!
Anyway, congratulations on making chapter after chapter and actually editing them to please 'lil ol' me. haha! kidding. Anyway...
"The bandages covered her well enough, and nobody but Shelley and Lachlan had seen her since her expedition several days ago" I'm not sure if it doesn't make sense or it just doesn't make sense because it's disjointed from further explanations or inferences.
State of invalidity...it's the right word but...again, a bit inappropriate. It's like she's lame or a vegetable or something.
"...upon the captain for long enough..." drop the word "for".
"...had become habit." er... "what became his habit"?
"When confronted about it the first time Shelley saw it, Eva merely explained that she, as part of the crew, should give deference to the captain, else the other men might think themselves able to walk over him. He argued that she was a lady, and should therefore be given respect. Eva retorted that ladies hardly allowed themselves to occupy the same quarters as a man, and that since Shelley thought he could throw propriety aside whenever he wished, she could too." Hold hold hold! It's like listening to one of those people who pass and hearing two teens talk like:
"I said like no way, and he said uh-huh. So I go, why? And he says because it's cool. And I'm like..."
You get the idea, hopefully or I'll shoot myself.
Thing is, you can put this as a flashback conversation or...relay it not in a he said, she said manner. Maybe something like: "Eva said *blah blah* over him. Shelley didn't seem impressed by the argument. To him, a lady's rights..."
Or something like that...
"Meanwhile, Eva’s song was coming along nicely, though she hadn’t been able to finish the refrain..." meanwhile is not exactly a good transition word for this. This isn't another scene.
alright...before i move on, i want to know how the tale spinning comes into the story.
wow...she doesn't seem drunk.
hm...and why would she stab him so suddenly without so much as a protest earlier?
forgive me, i am editing with a stuffy nose. i'll probably come down with the flu in a while.
question, does she like the smell of tobacco then? at first she doesn't but when he was eating her face off, she doesn't complain or even notice it?
leaning back on his heels? he tiptoed?
Now this sounds like a pirate!: “This cabin is to remain undisturbed for the next hour! If any of you should dispute this and in any way interrupt me, then I shall hang the offender from the mizzen by his testicles and tear out every individual organ in his body with my hook! Is that understood?”
"such a question when she tangled her foot in something that would not let go" so how was she able to untie herself from that?
"The captain followed her down to the dory, and nearly stepped on Goggles’s face. His eyes widened briefly until he realized that the pirate was sleeping, and he frowned. Looking meaningfully at Eva, he bent to lift the man’s arms, waiting for Eva to take his feet before slinging him from the boat. There was a loud splash, and they both crouched silently in the dory, listening for the curses that were sure to follow. None did. Without even looking around to find out why he was suddenly submerged in water, Goggles surfaced and paddled toward the ladder, clambering up it while grumbling under his breath. He hadn’t even noticed the boat or its inhabitants. After a moment, once Goggles had vanished on deck, Shelley deemed it safe to leave, and they swiftly pushed off." He didn't even wake, or get startled that he was suddenly in the water?
She didn't even notice the cold when the water touched her feet?
swimming when she can't even flex her back?
"“Not so!” Eva tried to reply, but she was inhibited by a mouthful of seawater" so was she able to say it or not? It's confusing.
"Eva laughed at the frivolity of his speech, and he immediately closed his mouth over hers, muttering" and how is this done in their position?
sorry, i'm not that much of a help in this chapter. :(
| Barranea chapter 7 . 9/7/2009
Hello...improved and edited huh? Makes me think of those commercials when they say..."NEW AND IMPROVED SUPER CLEANER!" or something like that. Anyway, I admire the fact that you actually edit your own work before posting. I don't do that, as you obviously have noticed. Why? I'll scrap it if I reread it and not like a part or two.
"...though occasionally she had brief glimpses..." change to "has had brief..." but more importantly, how can you glimpse consciousness? Maybe you could say, "She spent much of her time in the oblivion of feverish sleep, though occasionally she had brief glimpses of some familiar faces through her hazy half-conscious stupor." Or something like that...Hmm...assist her while she does her various needs or does he do it for her? You could use help instead if the latter is closer to the truth.
Oh! I thought he poured rum all over it. Which is actually a great disinfectant. I don't think it's an anesthetic when drunk, though. I have to check up on that.
Discomfort of waking? That won't send me to sleep. It'll make me irritable. maybe what you're trying to say is, the sheer tediousness of it?
Listen to the conversation than to the voices is, I think, more apt.
Is she lying prostrate? If she's lying on her back, she would wake to a hell lot of pain.
Wow...her voice wasn't even groggy. You might want to add a personality when she started talking just after she awoke.
"...only to be reminded by a sharp, uncomfortable pain that she was wounded..." try "pain from her wound"
"A loud cry of hurt surprise burst from her mouth..." uh...what?
By Mr. Ezra? You're taking Eva's POV right? So, she can't be calling him Mr., can she?
You're shifting heads again...and so suddenly, that you had me confused. It's here: "He stared at her, staggered. “What do you mean by that?” There could be no way that she had just asked him, the cause of her pain, to help her. Yes, he had saved her, but for what? To return her to her prison aboard the ship?"
While her back was in the water, she was being...touched by this substance? I'm not getting the picture quit right, I'm afraid.
"“Aye,” he replied simply to let her know he was listening." mind shift.
Why would she suddenly want him to do stuff for her? Maybe you could expose her thoughts. Her words just seems so out of the blue.
Mind shift again...remember, mystery is excitement on its own.
"...pulled the cord taught..." It's "taut" dear.
Um...okay let's make clear about this certain pet peeve I have in writing. You put "“!”" Nope! None of that! Or this "..." or this "?"! This just drives me up the wall. One more of this and I can't stop myself from going into ranting mode.
| Barranea chapter 6 . 9/3/2009
"Eva was jarred awake by..." passive sentence at the opening is not good. actually, passive sentences are not good overall. Change change change to active voice!
Wait...a refined voice that says 'aye'... o.O
Eva lay inert...I know it's the right meaning but...she sounds like some kind of gas...or some sort of energy. Inappropriate but correct.
Why didn't she move anyway? I would've been panicking knowing I could die. Maybe you could say that she was in pain? And they didn't notice she was awake? Not even on guard? They should know that if she's a pirate, well, at least one of them, being on guard is important. Wait, were her eyes open or closed?
Er...I don't quite get how you can see behind those hairy little lashes unless you're a camel...
I'm assuming you're using Eva's perspective alone, but I suddenly saw an omnipotent god here. "...seeing that there would be no faster way of getting the man out of his hair..." funny line and I appreciate it, but you jumped into another person's mind! Unless you forgot to say Eva is a telepath, rewrite :D
Er...what question was left unanswered?
"The bandages were the only thing that covered her torso at all." Whoa, whoa...word overuse. Cut at torso.
She can sit up so suddenly? Um...and what's the significance of this scene with Samuel. What's his intention? It was so clouded. Give him more character here if you want us to have Eva's fears as well.
I hear god talking again: "Her request was immediately attended to, and with a bit of a scuffle in the dim cell, the man was able to locate the small wooden cask of water that was set out for the prisoners’ use. There was a thin film atop the water, which Garret tried to scrape off with the ladle before proffering it to Eva." Unless she faced him, which I doubt she will, she won't find out about that.
"Time doesn’t move at its usual pace on this island. Usually I would tell a patient that the bandages need to be changed every six hours or so, but here it’s very difficult to measure" I think this is a very interesting tidbit that we should've known earlier. It can be a great pull to your story. Gives it an air of mystery.
"She was so intent in this endeavor that she..." you can be more descriptive about this like "She stayed at the sky transfixed at how no star was in its proper place..." Or something like that.
I'm not quite sure how they managed to do the things they did in (and beyond) the cell (Shelly and Eva). You can describe the place.
He didn't give her the pushing stick watchamacallit?
Uh...again with the senseless killing?
Captain shrieking. Reminds me of a one of those cartoons when a gruff man is actually a pansy.
FYI, pirates DO NOT swim. Folklore dictates they MUST NOT SWIM.
She could already tell that the General was cold, calculating and indifferent?
I have noticed something very important. Your protagonists are pirates when usually, they're antagonists. They're supposed to be evil and sinister and you showed that well. Question, why should I, as a reader prefer them as opposed to the islanders? In truth, I am now rooting for them to cull these badlads and live in peace.
Here's the thing. If you want us to care for them, show us that they're not really evil. Look at Pirates of the Carribean. Capt. Jack Sparrow and his motely crew are scurvey that should be removed from the face of the earth, right? But why do we feel that way? Because even though we see and know they're nothing but trouble, we know they're not evil. We know that the pirates only care for their own hides and that they're only trying to survive. Plus we love the character of Jack Sparrow.
That's how we chose them over the gov't and the East India Company. No one's a hero. No one's the goody-two-shoes in that movie, but because we know them and we know that they're not evil, we side with them.
"Shelley did not, however, follow his usual routine of falling soundly asleep within moments. He lay awake, staring upwards with a slight frown on his face. It wasn’t that he minded being out in the elements; he had spent many nights sleeping abovedecks as a lad, preferring the view of the stars to the moldy boards above the crew’s quarters. Though the moss below him was softer than the wood of a ship’s deck, he felt as if he was in a strange, unnatural place, far from water as he was. There was no gentle rocking to lull him to sleep, no sound of the ocean spray, no creaking of wood and slap of rope and canvas.
Casting a furtive glance at Eva, Shelley noticed that she was still awake as well and staring at a particularly ugly beetle that was making its way determinedly up a nearby rock."
Shooting up in the air? High jumper? o.O
"She didn’t find it, and her mood, just like her wounds, was exacerbated to the point of angry protest." Improve. It doesn't give me any hard-hitting oomph factor. You can try "She didn't find it. Her eyes furrowed, a growl escaping from between her clenched teeth, half in pain and half in anger at being made a fool. Both feelings were too intense to ignore." Or something like that.
So none of the lashes landed on the small of her back? How very...convenient. I'd have thought blundering Nicolo would be more careless. Or is he so careless it went unscathed?
Realistically, you wouldn't be as talkative when you're hurrying to find shelter from the rain.
So...they're keeping wet clothes on. *ahem* lalalapneumonia
Your character loves to judge others, doesn't she?
"There was nothing he could say that wouldn’t sound false at the moment."
Clothes drying that fast might be plausible considering the humidity rain gives until after it falls IF she wakes up near afternoon and the rain didn't fall too long. Just an FYI.
Ah...apparently it's still raining. Clothes have a 80% probability of still being wet unless the cloak and the ground has absorbed the moisture. There is little room for evaporation at this point.
"...tumbled backward into the shallow water..." OW! OW! OW! Oh...what about the fever? She isn't even shivering in the water?
"Shelley whirled away from Eva and stalked over the beach, his iron gray eyes scouring his surroundings. The ship was nearly invisible due to the downpour of rain that continued, but his trained eye could pick out the tiny black smudge just off the coast not quite a league away, floating bravely on the swells. At least, from what he could tell, the crew had secured it properly and were now probably riding out the storm huddled in the belly of the sleek vessel. It would be the safest place."
God. Alright, let me tell you this. The classic writers got away with the POV of a god because they are gods. See Charles Dickenson's works. But we aren't Charlie are we?
Wow, the corpse is lucky even his eyes are still intact. Fish do eat dead human eyes. I've seen a dead korean that way. she was probably a beginner scuba diver. *shudder* and the STENCH! EW! GAG! GAG!
Er...no one was bailing? Eva is being such a prima donna at this point.
"“You!” The captain prodded Eva impatiently with the end of his oar, startling her from her reverie and drawing the attention of her wide eyes. She had almost been asleep, oddly enough. “This is going to be difficult and slightly dangerous,” he began, trying not to think of the dangers of being dashed into the side of the ship by the waves and being crushed beneath it. Assured that he had her attention now, he continued, “I am going to steer us as close as I can to the gangway, but we are going to have to swim the rest of the way.” He didn’t need to explain to Eva that it would be near impossible to moor the tiny boat beside the ship in such agitated water. She merely nodded and watched as he carefully edged the small vessel nearer to the ship." A long physics explanation will tell you why this is inaccurate. I just don't have the space. :D
"He staggered from the warmth of his cabin and made his way from the slippery quarterdeck, briefly gazing up at the rigging and staring at the sails, which had been tightly furled to keep them from flapping wildly in the raging wind. That was how good ships were sunk, or at least lost their masts. Though storms frequented the seas around the island, few managed to make it past the reef of jagged rocks that surrounded the isle. The rocks acted as a barrier, creating safe harbor for the very people they had wrecked and trapped upon the island. Because of this, Shelley realized that his crew had apparently become fairly lazy, and he scoffed at their sloppy job of battening the ship down to weather out the storm." Huh? Uh, 1st thing, this sounds like a lecture. 2nd thing, it was tightly furled, not unfurled, which makes the masts safe. Typo perhaps?
Hm...if you want to shift POVs don't do it in the middle of the chapter.
Um...it occurred to me. Why was she barefoot in the first place?
And yes, I'm still generally enjoying your story. Or else, i would've stopped reviewing.
| Barranea chapter 5 . 9/1/2009
A question, why has no one raised the issue earlier?
blood and waster? o.O reminds me of jesus christ. blood and bone yes but...water?
well, the cat o'nine tails is a more befitting punishment a pirate gives than death.
"Her sense of urgency, unprecedented as it seemed, put her on edge." Does this mean she never felt this kind of sense of urgency?
Amazingly, she's strong enough to climb down a ladder and not notice the pain but suddenly realizes the hurt when she shrugged her shoulders! And laying on her back? That would be hell. lying face down would've been merciful.
And um...i think this is a common misconception about wounds by people. They don't feel sticky against your skin...they feel congealed and jelly-like when they begin to dry, but not sticky.
It's a nice read altogether (i don't mind pain and suffering: i.e. i enjoy george r.r. martin's books) but you have to stick closer to reality. sometimes you veer off a little and give the story less impact than it should have.
| Barranea chapter 4 . 9/1/2009
(2nd half of chapter 2)
the poetry in your song is good, but Eva analyzing that the song was deliberately chosen by the captain is too presumptuous when she doesn't know him yet. this could work out later. right now, it doesn't with it, you could scrap the whole small talk which would not make sense here.
a smile crease his eyes? you could use better imagery than that. especially when you said it "temporarily melting their icy blue frost" so the corners melted? o.O *gasp!*
tatoo of running feet on deck? o.O
why continue reading if it puts her to sleep? might as well sleep. and "looked the most interesting?" she didn't try reading the others?
why had she not expected silence after last night's events?
what's with the talk about what the captain eats? and what's with the gullibility of the crew? and the speculations? and why isn't the intelligent Lachlan saying anything? He's supposed to know about things that go in and out of people's quarters, doesn't he? if it doesn't add to the story's value, cut it. ruthless, yes, but cut it.
pirates they may be, but to shoot a crew member so needlessly? captain have enough sense to know that every crew member is a precious commodity especially when none of them are easily replaceable and all of them are loyal to him. mutiny is easy with a captain that's too lenient to use his gun.
lots of chitchat between eva and the boy but i never got to know the boy. again, avoid small talk. make your conversations have purpose
wait...how did the boy try to wrap the blanket around him? isn't he tied to the mast? i'm confused...
ah well, that's about it for now, I guess. i think it's nice she made friends. the only thing is she could've done something else but lie to make them.