|Reviews for The Bonny Ship|
| dru83 chapter 4 . 4/12/2010
So, I've read up to chapter six and everything is nice so far. The fun thing about this kind of writing is that you can be grammatically incorrect, as in the pirate's language, and it makes the story better. Here's some edits for Chapter 3:
This, not his:
However, as he helped her to her feet, he added in a serious voice, "You must understand, miss, that his(this) is simply an exception.
that, not which:
Lachlan made a face which(face that) he tried to hide discretely, but Eva still noticed it.
Also, "I wouldn't drink" or "I would not drink":
He led Eva carefully belowdecks(below decks) and added in a soft warning, "The biscuits aren't so bad as long as you don't mind the occasional weevil, but I wouldn't [not] drink the ale if I were you.
Also, to be grammatically correct, it should be ever instead of never, but I'm not sure if you wanted it to be correct or not:
"Soft?" Eva turned slowly upon Alf with a dark scowl upon her face. "Who said anything about [sioft](soft), my friend? Has the captain [n]ever invited you into his cabin?"
He abruptly stood and offered her an arm, letting her lean heavily upon him as he led her abovedecks(above decks).
There were a few sentences where you could have put a comma after the initial word to set a pause point. This mostly depends on how you feel about how the character speaks. However, I think a comma would work well here:
Lachlan chuckled. "Well(,) Alf certainly won't be found anywhere in your vicinity for a long time."
Semi-colon instead of a comma:
She felt inclined to make him wait,(wait;) nevertheless, she made her way resolutely from the cabin.
Whole, not who:
"Besides, I think the who(whole) process is ridiculous, the way eligible men strut about in front of young ladies, flaunting money in their faces and talking of good matches as if it was simply business."
I think this should be "the two of them;":
The man crouched in front of the [both of them,] (two of them;) oblivious to the indignant stares he received.
I'm not sure here, but I think it should be gentle women, not gentile women:
"I'm only telling the truth. I doubt you know a thing about (gentle) gentile women at all."
Because it's at the begining of a quote, "you" should be capitalized here:
"You, sir," she breathed, "you(You) are the vilest, lowest kind of villain. You revolt me, and if I could, I would rid the world of you."
All right is two words:
She stifled a groan and smiled at Peter's round white face to prove she was alright(all right).
Well, that's all for this chapter, I'll proof the other chapters eventually. Don't be put off by the number of edits, they're mostly just little nitpicky things. So, I've read everything you have up so far and everythings pretty good and I can't wait for more.
| trustnme chapter 1 . 4/11/2010
I like how you've adapted Captain Hook and made him your own. There are still a few minor grammatical mistakes, but other than that, a very intriguiing story considering it's still being under revision. The plot seems a bit scattered at the moment in my opinion. You have two conflicts between what's going on with Shelley's plans concerning the island's natives and his ongoing rivalry with Coulter but nothing really seems to be coming to heads with either situation. I guess the scatteredness reflects the fact that everyone seems to be stuck in this timeless limbo at a cursed island.
I have to say that I love that you took much care to research the nautical jargon before undertaking the story. The sad part about most pirate stories I've read on FictionPress is that authors only seemed to hold onto the barest knowledge of ship details and sailing in general.
I also appreciate your painstaking detail because it does mold the story more and brings about that realistic sense. IT'll be interesting to see how this story progresses.
| dru83 chapter 3 . 4/1/2010
So, here's some edits for chapter 2.
Eva attempted to make conversation as they ducked belowdecks(below decks), realizing that it would be in her best interest to make as many friends as she could upon the ship.
no space inbetween replied and the comma:
"I can't walk on deck in this!" Eva replied ,(replied,) indignantly plucking at the shirt she wore.
The journey to the captain's cabin took twice as long as Eva's journey from it, and to her chagrin, she noticed that there were more men abovedecks(above decks) by then.
hear not ear:
She could (h)ear him as he began to strap on his hook.
"What about your neckcloth(neck cloth)?"
The comma should be a semi-colon:
She flushed and looked away,(away;) not knowing what it was about that gaze that made her feel so bashful.
It looked like a pocketwatch(pocket watch) on a chain.
You are a guest, my dear, and as your host I must point out htat(that) it is too dangerous for you to go to the island for the time being."
"That's comforting," she muttered drily(dryly).
I think this would work better as one sentence, join them with (, as):
She almost forgot to join in on her whistle, stunned by his agility on the keyboard(, as). He only had one hand to play with.
It should be than, not when here:
No sooner had she done so when(than) the captain strode into the cabin, a dark scowl masking his features.
Eva pretended to be thoroughly involved in the book, which was actually a guide to naval warfare, quite drily(dryly) written.
Add the here:
"That is not (the) half of it, Captain Shelley.
So, that's everything I spotted. Another nice chapter. I liked getting to see the dual nature of Shelley's persona here. Nothing quite like a guy who can be fun-loving one second and a cold-blooded killer the next. It's also good that you let us see his human side right after, by saying, "He seemed drained. His face was white and his arms were shaking." Anyway, I liked this chapter and I'll keep reviewing them, it just takes me a while because I'm a busy guy.
| dru83 chapter 2 . 3/28/2010
So here's some nitpicky Sp/Gr changes for ch. 1.
My changes are in ()
She was still far too tired to move, and though her clothes were cold, the sand had been warmed by the sun(sun had warmed the sand), and it was soft—if rather itchy.
A semi-colon instead of the comma here:
The source of the sound could not be pinpointed,(pinpointed;) rather it seemed to be coming from all around her.
You don't need the comma here:
One of the chain links caught against a rock in the process, and pulled against the trap.
No hyphen on well coordinated:
Sailors shouted to each other, well-coordinated(well coordinated) and trained in their specific duties.
Also no hyphen on sea captains:
Overall, he reminded Eva of portraits that she had seen of naval war heroes, great sea-captains(sea captains) that were long since dead.
Below decks here:
With that, Mr. Ezra disappeared belowdecks(below decks), and the captain began to lead the way toward Eva's quarters.
Dryly not drily:
"It's just a box," Eva responded drily(dryly), not in the mood to move so soon after sitting.
Shirtsleeves is one word:
The doctor hastily shrugged out of his coat and began to roll up his shirt sleeves(shirtsleeves).
I think this works better as one sentence:
"Captain," Eva gasped in pain, "thank you for attempting to distract me.(, but) I'd just as well not talk right now."
I think it should be while instead of which here:
Lachlan was nearly cross-eyed in concentration, and sweat dripped off the tip of his nose, which(while) Captain Shelley discretely tried to look away.
Again, dryly not drily:
"Hop?" Captain Shelley suggested drily(dryly).
I think this works better as one longer fragment instead of two short ones:
Lachlan snorted. "Rum.(, and) Plenty of it.
So that's all I've got for this chapter. One other thing...It seems kind of wierd for Eva to not like whistling when she plays the pennywhistle, which would have a similar sound. Anyway, this was another good chapter and I see you've been busy with rewriting more chapters so I'll proofread them when I get a chance.
| Chocorange888 chapter 5 . 3/27/2010
I really hope that I will get to read the edited version of this story (and I'm really glad that I haven't read the original actually, because now there's nothing to remember and compare it to) Thanks for the story.
| dru83 chapter 1 . 3/24/2010
I had really enjoyed this story when I first read it a few months ago. Now I'm trying to remember everything so I can figure out what you've changed. Anyway, the prologue is nice. It read very cleanly, I only noticed a couple nitpicky things the second time I read through it. There are a few instances where you say "abovedecks" and "belowdecks". These are usually two seperate words i.e. "above decks" and below decks". There were a couple times where MSWord's Grammar checker wanted a semi-colon instead of a comma:
Certain that she was about to be sunk, (sunk;) Eva closed her eyes and groaned when the ship righted itself with a snap.
Eva couldn't help but notice that the same rope was secured around his waist, (waist;) its other end tied around one of the masts.
In this sentence, "of water" is redundant:
"I—" Eva tried to respond, but she was cut off by another wave (of water).
Another nitpicky thing, from this prologue, my mental image of Eva was of a fancily attired lady in a white gown soaking wet getting drowned by her expansive skirts, not the pants wearing tomboy that we meet in the first chapter. This isn't really a bad thing though. I like what you've done so far with the prologue and the first few chapters. These are all just little nitpicky things that could be left alone and the piece wouldn't suffer much. Again, I didn't notice these on my first read-through. The action read really nicely and gave us a nice snapshot of Eva's character and past. I'll review the rest of the chapters in detail later, but I only noticed a couple minor errors in each one.
| Blood Zephyr chapter 8 . 2/21/2010
-.- Parts of this story remind me of Peter Pan and LOST... Is that intentional?
| Stephanie M. Moore chapter 19 . 1/22/2010
Wow! What a gorgeous story. I love your loose parallels to the story of Peter Pan; it really adds a nice spin to your story.
You create the emotion of each moment so well. When Eva was flogged, I was entranced. Excellent work.
I could just go on and on with compliments. All in all, great piece. I am *extremely* impressed.
I look forward to seeing more of your work.
| jlr chapter 19 . 12/15/2009
I really liked your story. It was fun and adventurous, and the love story was believable. The ending, in particular the epilogue, is a little more melancholy that perhaps it is meant to be. I am pretty sure that it is due to the relaxed tone of time passing by rather than the actual events. Good work. ~jlr
| Icyfire4w5 chapter 2 . 11/18/2009
1) "She did manage to bite one of the men throughout the process, shouting loud obscenities, the nicest of which was “bloody scoundrels."" Woohoo, I love Eva, since she's so spunky!
2) "It seemed to Eva that he perhaps thought of himself as one of those honorable men." Yeah, yeah, one man's hero is another man's villiain. ;)
3) "She could, when thinking very hard about it, actually picture him as a young man at Lawson, a school for adolescents of wealth." I believe that Shelley's past is really, really complicated. Well, maybe his parents have disowned him.
| Icyfire4w5 chapter 1 . 11/18/2009
Congrats! This chapter is short, yet it's full of lovely details. By the way, Eva seems intriguing...
| BlueAki chapter 2 . 11/16/2009
I'm definitely enjoying this story so far.
| kara16 chapter 1 . 9/23/2009
I adore this story. It has me hooked and i cant stop reading!
| Barranea chapter 8 . 9/9/2009
Hullo again, time for the chapter review, brought to you by...KISHI!
Anyway, congratulations on making chapter after chapter and actually editing them to please 'lil ol' me. haha! kidding. Anyway...
"The bandages covered her well enough, and nobody but Shelley and Lachlan had seen her since her expedition several days ago" I'm not sure if it doesn't make sense or it just doesn't make sense because it's disjointed from further explanations or inferences.
State of invalidity...it's the right word but...again, a bit inappropriate. It's like she's lame or a vegetable or something.
"...upon the captain for long enough..." drop the word "for".
"...had become habit." er... "what became his habit"?
"When confronted about it the first time Shelley saw it, Eva merely explained that she, as part of the crew, should give deference to the captain, else the other men might think themselves able to walk over him. He argued that she was a lady, and should therefore be given respect. Eva retorted that ladies hardly allowed themselves to occupy the same quarters as a man, and that since Shelley thought he could throw propriety aside whenever he wished, she could too." Hold hold hold! It's like listening to one of those people who pass and hearing two teens talk like:
"I said like no way, and he said uh-huh. So I go, why? And he says because it's cool. And I'm like..."
You get the idea, hopefully or I'll shoot myself.
Thing is, you can put this as a flashback conversation or...relay it not in a he said, she said manner. Maybe something like: "Eva said *blah blah* over him. Shelley didn't seem impressed by the argument. To him, a lady's rights..."
Or something like that...
"Meanwhile, Eva’s song was coming along nicely, though she hadn’t been able to finish the refrain..." meanwhile is not exactly a good transition word for this. This isn't another scene.
alright...before i move on, i want to know how the tale spinning comes into the story.
wow...she doesn't seem drunk.
hm...and why would she stab him so suddenly without so much as a protest earlier?
forgive me, i am editing with a stuffy nose. i'll probably come down with the flu in a while.
question, does she like the smell of tobacco then? at first she doesn't but when he was eating her face off, she doesn't complain or even notice it?
leaning back on his heels? he tiptoed?
Now this sounds like a pirate!: “This cabin is to remain undisturbed for the next hour! If any of you should dispute this and in any way interrupt me, then I shall hang the offender from the mizzen by his testicles and tear out every individual organ in his body with my hook! Is that understood?”
"such a question when she tangled her foot in something that would not let go" so how was she able to untie herself from that?
"The captain followed her down to the dory, and nearly stepped on Goggles’s face. His eyes widened briefly until he realized that the pirate was sleeping, and he frowned. Looking meaningfully at Eva, he bent to lift the man’s arms, waiting for Eva to take his feet before slinging him from the boat. There was a loud splash, and they both crouched silently in the dory, listening for the curses that were sure to follow. None did. Without even looking around to find out why he was suddenly submerged in water, Goggles surfaced and paddled toward the ladder, clambering up it while grumbling under his breath. He hadn’t even noticed the boat or its inhabitants. After a moment, once Goggles had vanished on deck, Shelley deemed it safe to leave, and they swiftly pushed off." He didn't even wake, or get startled that he was suddenly in the water?
She didn't even notice the cold when the water touched her feet?
swimming when she can't even flex her back?
"“Not so!” Eva tried to reply, but she was inhibited by a mouthful of seawater" so was she able to say it or not? It's confusing.
"Eva laughed at the frivolity of his speech, and he immediately closed his mouth over hers, muttering" and how is this done in their position?
sorry, i'm not that much of a help in this chapter. :(
| Barranea chapter 7 . 9/7/2009
Hello...improved and edited huh? Makes me think of those commercials when they say..."NEW AND IMPROVED SUPER CLEANER!" or something like that. Anyway, I admire the fact that you actually edit your own work before posting. I don't do that, as you obviously have noticed. Why? I'll scrap it if I reread it and not like a part or two.
"...though occasionally she had brief glimpses..." change to "has had brief..." but more importantly, how can you glimpse consciousness? Maybe you could say, "She spent much of her time in the oblivion of feverish sleep, though occasionally she had brief glimpses of some familiar faces through her hazy half-conscious stupor." Or something like that...Hmm...assist her while she does her various needs or does he do it for her? You could use help instead if the latter is closer to the truth.
Oh! I thought he poured rum all over it. Which is actually a great disinfectant. I don't think it's an anesthetic when drunk, though. I have to check up on that.
Discomfort of waking? That won't send me to sleep. It'll make me irritable. maybe what you're trying to say is, the sheer tediousness of it?
Listen to the conversation than to the voices is, I think, more apt.
Is she lying prostrate? If she's lying on her back, she would wake to a hell lot of pain.
Wow...her voice wasn't even groggy. You might want to add a personality when she started talking just after she awoke.
"...only to be reminded by a sharp, uncomfortable pain that she was wounded..." try "pain from her wound"
"A loud cry of hurt surprise burst from her mouth..." uh...what?
By Mr. Ezra? You're taking Eva's POV right? So, she can't be calling him Mr., can she?
You're shifting heads again...and so suddenly, that you had me confused. It's here: "He stared at her, staggered. “What do you mean by that?” There could be no way that she had just asked him, the cause of her pain, to help her. Yes, he had saved her, but for what? To return her to her prison aboard the ship?"
While her back was in the water, she was being...touched by this substance? I'm not getting the picture quit right, I'm afraid.
"“Aye,” he replied simply to let her know he was listening." mind shift.
Why would she suddenly want him to do stuff for her? Maybe you could expose her thoughts. Her words just seems so out of the blue.
Mind shift again...remember, mystery is excitement on its own.
"...pulled the cord taught..." It's "taut" dear.
Um...okay let's make clear about this certain pet peeve I have in writing. You put "“!”" Nope! None of that! Or this "..." or this "?"! This just drives me up the wall. One more of this and I can't stop myself from going into ranting mode.