|Reviews for The Bonny Ship|
| Barranea chapter 5 . 9/1/2009
A question, why has no one raised the issue earlier?
blood and waster? o.O reminds me of jesus christ. blood and bone yes but...water?
well, the cat o'nine tails is a more befitting punishment a pirate gives than death.
"Her sense of urgency, unprecedented as it seemed, put her on edge." Does this mean she never felt this kind of sense of urgency?
Amazingly, she's strong enough to climb down a ladder and not notice the pain but suddenly realizes the hurt when she shrugged her shoulders! And laying on her back? That would be hell. lying face down would've been merciful.
And um...i think this is a common misconception about wounds by people. They don't feel sticky against your skin...they feel congealed and jelly-like when they begin to dry, but not sticky.
It's a nice read altogether (i don't mind pain and suffering: i.e. i enjoy george r.r. martin's books) but you have to stick closer to reality. sometimes you veer off a little and give the story less impact than it should have.
| Barranea chapter 4 . 9/1/2009
(2nd half of chapter 2)
the poetry in your song is good, but Eva analyzing that the song was deliberately chosen by the captain is too presumptuous when she doesn't know him yet. this could work out later. right now, it doesn't with it, you could scrap the whole small talk which would not make sense here.
a smile crease his eyes? you could use better imagery than that. especially when you said it "temporarily melting their icy blue frost" so the corners melted? o.O *gasp!*
tatoo of running feet on deck? o.O
why continue reading if it puts her to sleep? might as well sleep. and "looked the most interesting?" she didn't try reading the others?
why had she not expected silence after last night's events?
what's with the talk about what the captain eats? and what's with the gullibility of the crew? and the speculations? and why isn't the intelligent Lachlan saying anything? He's supposed to know about things that go in and out of people's quarters, doesn't he? if it doesn't add to the story's value, cut it. ruthless, yes, but cut it.
pirates they may be, but to shoot a crew member so needlessly? captain have enough sense to know that every crew member is a precious commodity especially when none of them are easily replaceable and all of them are loyal to him. mutiny is easy with a captain that's too lenient to use his gun.
lots of chitchat between eva and the boy but i never got to know the boy. again, avoid small talk. make your conversations have purpose
wait...how did the boy try to wrap the blanket around him? isn't he tied to the mast? i'm confused...
ah well, that's about it for now, I guess. i think it's nice she made friends. the only thing is she could've done something else but lie to make them.
| Barranea chapter 3 . 9/1/2009
...as she was prone to do...wait, prone? Sorry, little pet peeve glitch coming on. try wont. not won't, wont. Or maybe that's not the right word because a sound woke her and it wasn't her own body clock.
weren't you in the present tense in the previous chapter? oh right...you suddenly shifted tenses...*twitch* right smack in the middle of your story. guess i forgot to say that earlier.
oh and i reviewed your 1st chapter/prologue, and it didn't show. I remember ranting about a plank not being a rational thing to hold onto and a few praises like it was nice, but argh...nevermind.
I'm really amused at the way you handle pirate language. very nice. But don't get gung ho on it too much. sometimes, it goes off as unintelligible blabber.
I can tolerate this in speech, but in narration, this is a cardinal sin: "He spoke as if it were a *real* privilege to be in her company" Do you see?
Uh...he can measure the clothes without cutting them up but anyway...
uh...how can cloth press at her back while he was tying the binding behind her?
the anger dissipated quite suddenly.
A good chapter with minor glitches.
| cosmoswatch chapter 1 . 8/31/2009
This is a really good story! but i think that there are some loose ends in this story e.g when Eva tells Peter the story about the priate king , i expected Peter try and runaway with Eva? However keep up the good work!
| Barranea chapter 2 . 8/31/2009
Dear, you would've made me really happy with the chapter if you didn't spoil it at the beginning:
"So, in a little explanation, this takes place on an island that is in the middle of an underwater caldera (which basically means cauldron when translated literally). That means..."
I stopped there literally deciding on whether or not to continue. It was as if it were a gauge of how well you can write this all out: meaning you can't.
I felt that you can though, so I gave you a shot.
Guess I have to read the bloody note then.
Which turns out to be not that important after all. Please don't do these things. You're a good writer and you don't deserve the punishment you give yourself! AND ME.
At least now I get the timeline you're running. This is good.
Um...maybe you could clarify your whole scene when she was looking at the captain. I was imagining a bearded old hairy sea dog and then...bam! the descriptions set in. Maybe you could hint the difference in voice.
And uh...this is a mistake I've learned a few weeks ago. Don't tell me he's handsome, show it. And in the eyes of someone like Eva, I don't think handsome is the 1st word that will come to her mind. Maybe later but not now.
Er...no wreckage and she would think her ship was sundered. Doesn't make sense, but I'll overlook that.
You write out a nice scene. No dragging crap, thankfully. :D
| Maelne chapter 19 . 8/30/2009
Aw :) What a cute ending...now I'm gonna go watch Pirates of the Caribbean.
| Maelne chapter 17 . 8/29/2009
Wow o.o quite the imagination. The dead crew thing is very interesting.
| orange-peaches chapter 19 . 8/24/2009
Sigh.. I'm sad it's over! But it was really lovely and adventurous! I'll definitely check out your other writings! :) Review you next time!
| Maelne chapter 16 . 8/22/2009
| Maelne chapter 15 . 8/22/2009
Aw :( I feel like everything is DOOMED! :*(
| Russian Roulette chapter 19 . 8/22/2009
Aw, no more story to read! [ I loved this from beginning to end and I'm in a very piratey mood now haha ] I'm so glad Shelley and Eva got their happy ending, I'm such a sucker for those! I'll definitely read the rest of your work, so expect more reviews! D
| Russian Roulette chapter 9 . 8/21/2009
Wow! I'm only half way through the story and love it to bits already! I love the humour in it, and the touches of cruelty that remind us that pirates are vicious scoundrels ( though they're lovable to me! ) I'm really surprised this hasn't had more reviews and it is honestly an absolute pleasure to read. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard reading anything on here! This is definitely one of my favourite stories on Fictionpress, congratulations on a brilliant yarn and thanks for giving it to us to read!
| flaming-anubis chapter 18 . 8/20/2009
This is an awesome story. There's really nothing here I can flame. Great job.
| orange-peaches chapter 17 . 8/19/2009
Creepy creepy dead sailors! Woo Shelley is a better man than me sticking around with dead guys (which isn't that hard considering I'm not male haha). The mermaids are pretty creepy too, but I like their helpfulness (even if it did require carrying a blecky hand). Review you next time!(which I hope is soon!)
| orange-peaches chapter 16 . 8/18/2009
Sigh, so heartwarming. This chapter has given me a stupid little grin on my face so you know. Have i ever complimented your grammar? Because I greatly appreciate how well written your story is and that as I think about it right now I cannot recall any errors that stand out in my mind. And that's pretty rare to find on this site (and I've dicovered I'm really talented at noticing errors :). Also I appreciate how I can be all "More chapters!" and you're all "Soon!" and it really is soon (aka like earlier and then BAM there was this chapter). I'll be sad when this story is over, but you've provided a terrific journey!