|Reviews for Letters|
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 8 . 12/14/2010
Uh-oh not Delilah's son! Seriously...this is getting good. I like that we get to see how Emily feels about her father's sudden trasnformation, but I still can't help but feel a little bad for the guy...but it was his fault that the family ditched him. I would like to give a suggestion on this chapter, and it is just a sugestion, but when Emily talks about how angry and confused she is you could always expand on what her thoughts are of him stopping the drinking habit. Like if she thinks he's only doing it to get them to come back, or if he might actually be doing it for good, things like that. But like I said before just a suggestion you don't have to do that. Anyway can't wait to read more and see what happens to Emily and the family.
Blood of the Innocent
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 7 . 12/14/2010
Sam is making Emily's dad seem really low...like lower then dirt low. I do like this chapter though, because we get to see what Emily's dad is going through from someone else's eyes. But Sam is really mean, but knowing what he did to his family in the past, no one should blame her. I can't wait to see how this plays out.
Blood of the Innocent
| AnnieStoryTeller chapter 9 . 11/28/2010
So far I AM LOVING your story! And I am just not kidding! :)I am so putting this on alert. Now for the constructive criticism:
I like how you developed the individual voices of the writers, and it is pretty easy to understand who's writing without having to check every 5 minutes. I love how you blended in this element of mystery with Delilah, Sharon, Aaron, Mark and Ethan...they all seem to be bound by one secret, that has of course torn them apart! :) The letters (rather e-mails) just keep on getting interesting and more intriguing. Grammar was perfect. 10 out of 10 for you!
For the e-mails being exchanged between Corey and Emily, I understand why you said you were having trouble making them communicate, 'cause they were writing in individual paragraphs to each other. You might want to make this e-mail into an instant messages chat session. Because if Corey replies almost immediately to her, and Emily replies back within minutes, they both must be online! :) have them change their screen names (a love feature of g talk) and talk with one another in peace, without being in fear of getting caught.
Please update your story soon! :) I'll review! I promise. :D
Till then, keep writing!
| AnnieStoryTeller chapter 1 . 11/28/2010
I will review chapter 9, I would need to read a couple of chapters from the start in order to get a feel for the story. :) I love this formatting, and since I suck at it, I kind of hope someone would be able to do a better job with it. And you really did! I liked how Emily begins the letter..trying to concentrate on something else, trying NOT to rant, but ends up blurting everything to her aunt. Typical troubled teenager I must say. Ah abusive dad? :( That's kind of , I'll give you a more constructive review once I read more of this :D
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 6 . 11/21/2010
Something did happen between Mark and Sharon...right! Wow, I'm lost, but in a good way. In a I-can't-wait-to-read-more way! I like how you put in an e-mail from Aaron, it shows that he actually has feelings and isn't a complete emotionless monster! This a great chapter and I can't wait to read more.
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 5 . 11/21/2010
Oh Ethan I feel really bad for him. I do like this chapter very much and not just because it's Ethan who's e-mailing Aunt Cass, but because this e-mail shows what he's like without Emily taking a guess, and because it makes him seem human (if that's the right word I'm looking for) like when he says how he wishes his father wasn't his read father and how he had the idea of Mark being his real dad. Very well done.
PS - macho_man_4evr...he's gonna regret that when he turns 40 (lol)
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 4 . 11/21/2010
Megan's a conceited teenager huh? So self-centered she thought Emily left cause of her...that was funny. I loved it. I really like Ethan at this point, and hope to know more about him. He seems pretty awesome. I do like that there's a happy chapter in here with all this sadness happening. Good job!
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 3 . 11/21/2010
I can't help but feel very bad for their dad. But I'm gonna guess it's better that way that they're gone. I feel bad for Emily too, being the one to break the news to her father. I could've given her a hug when she was crying! Another great chapter though! :)
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 2 . 11/21/2010
Whoa stealing money from the abusive husband! That takes guts, and an oblivious husband to know that his money is missing (isn't that kind of true?). Anyway, great chapter! I do have to say (as bad as this will sound) I like Delilah's reply. It's very realistic because sometimes people won't forgive you, and some writers want to make their stories have a happy ending and will write about how the person is forgiven. Good job!
| Frap chapter 9 . 11/11/2010
Okay, now since you asked for this chapter only to be reviewed, I'll tell you what I gathered. These two kids are not supposed to speak due to a family secret that is between their parents. Easy enough to get. The emails flow fine IMO. The conversation sounds like one that kids would have so I don't know what you may want to change. Now as far as the voice and dialogue you have a lot of proper English in this. Are these kids ever going to use some sort of slang? What I mean is there are not enough contractions. Most people don't say - I am... or we will...They will shorten it in speaking so to make the characters a little more human and not story bookish, you may want to look at their dialogue.
The whole secret portion could be made more interesting. I mean, maybe there is something more than just them waiting outside for that take-out. Of course since I didn't read ahead, you may have explained this earlier as to what the situation is between the parents and this ordering, I surmise though that Corey's dad my be a womanizer and the taking too long may have been some indication to the wife that he was up to no good again. Possibly? (Shrugs)
I like the tone and voice that I hear between the kids, however. They feel natural when I read this and not like you are trying to make them sound innocent. The reactions in their responses feel genuine and I just think they could have a little more chatter than just down to business talk. Most of the time they seemed absorbed with their parents. Hopefully that's clear if not just tell me.
Oh yeah, and I didn't understand the whole walking by and pause thing. It didn't have that...Dun Dun Dun feel to it if you get my drift. There should be a little mroe drama in that pause and you may want to give some descriptions of what they are doing as they type, not just rely on the emails to carry us through. Over all I really enjoyed this and hopefully, I get to find out what's going on between the parents that is causing the kids to be so secretive.
This was a good read and I hope to see the next part soon.
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 1 . 11/10/2010
This first chapter really drew me in. I'm scared of Emily's dad following them. You captured her fear of her father well. I have to say I can't help but feel bad for Aunt Cass who knows what her brother's doing to her niece and nephew. I can't wait to read more and see what happens to Emily and the family.
| seredemia chapter 3 . 10/26/2010
I wonder how all these letters will link up to each other in the future... Just wondering randomly :P
OOH. HER DAD FOUND THEM! I could really feel the tension there, even if it was on letter format, it was still rather atmospheric (what a posh word, lol).
I actually felt sorry for her dad... event hough he was described as a violent, scary person, I couldnt help it... That was a really sad moment in the chapter. Good job on that! I also like how Emily feels guilty. That just shows that she's genuine and even though her dad put them through a lot, she still has enough of a heart to feel sorry for him...
Anyway, as always, good chapter!
| xRayne wolfx chapter 1 . 10/18/2010
I like the style your writing this as, it makes it feel like you're reading a journal - I look forward to reading more, i'll put this on my alerts.
See you on chapter two
| RisanF chapter 9 . 10/16/2010
(for review exchange)
Honestly, I think the story could use some work. There's not enough differentiation between the characters; Emily sounds like Corey, who sounds like Sharon etc.. I think the dialogue is too rambling and petulant at times, which takes away the severity of an abuse situation. It makes the conflict feel tacked on instead of genuine.
I think my favorite chapter is probably 3. Telling your abusive father that still loves you that you're leaving feels more substantial and emotional than the other conflicts. I think if you concentrate on making the tension feel real, you'll be better off.
| seredemia chapter 2 . 10/2/2010
Hmm. I wonder who Delilah is and what this whole grudge is about... I can see that this is also from a different sender. I didn't expect that. I wonder how you're going to progress on with this story in writing style. It's really intruiging because you're not using any dialogues, but you make it work.
I really do love how you tell us about your characters. Through these letters, we find out about their lives and it doesn't feel like an info dump. It's really, really fun to read, actually.
There were time when I felt that it was a bit stiff though, especially near the start. Like this:
'Please [do not] throw this away! I [do not know] if you have even opened this email,'
- Its probably because of the 'do nots', but I think it'll flow better if you use abbreviations- but thats just my opinion.
'Please forgive me. Enough to listen.'
- Not quite sure why this isn't one sentence.
Wow, this Sharon sounds really desperate and in need of help.
And LOL. I loved Delilah's response! So random and yet so bitter and cold. That was a great way to end the chapter!
Anyway, overall, I enjoyed reading this!