|Reviews for One plus one|
| too.much.of.water chapter 18 . 8/2/2011
This is brilliant. I can honestly see this being published, it's just so beautifully well written, original and just amazing. I could go on and on about the imagery and everything, but it would get boring so basically, I'll stick to this last chapter. It's gorgeous, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Needless to say, I did both. Yeah, I get emotional about stories. "I used to believe in goodbyes, but not anymore." That was where the waterworks started. The cloth analogy is ridiculously original and it's got a beautiful finish, the message in a bottle documenting in a few simple words all they had learned. The flow through the entire story danced from quite academic to philosophical to just plain amazing and I loved it, read it in a single sitting. Great job, really, and keep writing.
| lianoid chapter 18 . 11/25/2010
Omigawsh, last chapter. Ha-ha. It’s been a long time coming.
Excellent, excellent, excellent. Oh, man. What an brilliant story. You need to get this published because I’d love a hard-copy for my library. I think this final chapter wrapped everything up perfectly. I also love how it ends with him writing a message and putting it in a bottle. I think that was a nice gesture and fitting, considering everything he experienced and learned.
I’m sorry this review is so lacking. Tight schedule today and I’m rather tired. Anyway, top-notch story you have here, Silver. I can’t wait to read more of your work when I have the time. Man, I love this story. I’ll have to re-read it sometime because there really was just so many marvellous descriptions and brilliant chapters I want to re-experience.
I wish I could think a clever sign off that incorporates something from the story, but I’m too exhausted right now. Sorry, ha-ha. Loved the story. From the beginning to the end. Keep it up. :)
| lianoid chapter 17 . 11/25/2010
Many were placing bets but having no knowledge on betting on horse race we decided it would be better just to watch.
-Personal: I would toss a comma after “bets” and I think “on horse race” is missing a word or something there.
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cloud Stadium. It's a beautiful day for horse racin', cloudless and sunny. By the way my name is Frank."
-Edit: Comma after “afternoon” and I feel “By the way” is a tad jarring. Why not just, “I’m Frank” and then “And I’m Paul”? It would feel smoother if you revised it to read that way, I feel.
Thanks Paul and the last bets are now being placed. T
-Edit: Commas around “Paul”.
Now how about the horses Paul?"
-Edit: Comma after “horses”.
Well Frank the obvious favorite here is number seven in gray
-Edit: Commas around “Frank”.
Oh good choice Paul,
-Edit: Comma after “Oh” and “choice”.
...you think they'll break their own record here Paul?"
-Edit: Comma after “here”. That’s the last time I’m pointing out this type of comma placement. :) Basically, anytime someone’s directly addressing someone else, commas go around the name.
Also, I might tone down the saying each other’s name’s bit. It works just fine, but removing a few here and there would make their names less, er, annoying-ish. Ha-ha. Sorry. XD
About one and a half more laps around the track...
-This confused me for a moment because then Bumble Bee passes the other horses and passes the finish line and it’s over. Perhaps saying only half a lap left might be better? It’s just that you described them racing around it once, then you say there are one and half more laps, but then the race is over without you describing the other one lap.
This chapter didn’t interest me as much as the others because I don’t find horse racing all that exciting. I think you described it well enough, though. The ending was great and the chapter was good overall.
| lianoid chapter 16 . 11/25/2010
When I was a little girl I used to believe that we were all just stars floating in space.
-Edit: Comma after “girl”.
The selection process would be based a game of roulette with the whims of a strange Universe.
-Edit?: I feel as though you’re missing a word after “based”.
In a way, I was right. Because our chances of being here hinges on chance, circumstance, and the fragile fact that one plus one equals one (and a little more).
-Ah, and here where the title of the piece comes in. :D
The young little bard was named Fredrick and took to the harp like bees take to making honey.
-Lovely. Excellent comparison.
On one fateful journey the ship he traveled on crashed onto the sharp rocks of the tendril in the sea.
-Edit: Comma after “journey”.
Our people at that time found Fredrick half-dead on the beach still clutching his beloved harp
-Personal: I would remove “beloved” from this sentence since you say “beloved harp” in the previous one.
And though Mika did not speak the same language as Fredrick they managed to communicate through signs and drawings. Fredrick also managed to communicate through the music of his harp and while he was tugging on harp strings Mika realized that every time Fredrick played the harp he was also tugging on her heart strings.
-Personal: I would place a comma after “Fredrick” in the first sentence and “harp strings” in the second sentence and perhaps even “harp”.
However, this happiness was not meant to last as they were eventually discovered just as Fredrick had gotten strong enough to escape.
-Personal: I would change “gotten” to “become” or something else.
In either case both were captured and brought before the court.
-Edit: Comma after “case”.
In all the mysteries of the world the one that fascinates me most is the thing we call love and on that day Fredrick had solved the riddle.
-Edit: Comma after “day”.
It was just that instead of using words he used music on harp strings to tell the story of joys, sorrows, laughs, pains, and that one plus one equals one (and a little more).
-Personal: I would place a comma after “words”.
From what I hear the pair continued to travel all over the place until Mika had a baby girl whom they named Lisa
-Edit: Comma after “hear” and “all over the place” reads too informally for my taste; see if you can revise that part.
As their life was unfolding our city was changing too
-Edit: Comma after “unfolding”.
Although we were unaware of it at the time Mika and Fredrick had returned to her homeland with Lisa.
-Edit: Comma after “time”.
The first thing that Lisa did when they arrived was vanish into a large building that echoed beautiful song.
-Personal: Remove “that”.
He had returned in homes of learning more of a man known as the Traveling Bard.
-Personal: I believe you want “in homes” to be “in hopes”.
After much traveling however Isul finally succumbed to his feelings of home-sickness and returned to this city.
-Edit: comma after “however” and one right before it, if you like.
For when two fools find love the Universe makes a strange decision for one sperm and one egg to create one new life.
-Personal: I would place a comma after “love”.
Author's note: This chapter was heavily influenced by the story: The Danish Poet.
-I must read that one.
I’m glad this chapter was a direct continuation of the previous one. I really like this part of the story, although I do think the tone of the high priest and priestess could be a bit more regal. That’s up to your own discretion, of course. Excellent chapter, as always.
| lianoid chapter 15 . 11/25/2010
On this day however we arrived at a destination.
-Edit: Comma after “day” and another one after “however” if you like.
A chain of mountains reaches across from the southern horizon and stretches a tendril across the sky.
-Hmm, I feel as though “reaches” and “stretches” should be “reach” and “stretch” because this currently feels as though it’s a tense switch up.
The stood guard silently as we sailed from an open ocean into a secret cove.
-Edit: I believe you want “stood” to be on the other side of “guard”.
We made our way carefully to land and managed to obtain only a few minor injuries to ourselves and minimal damage to the coral below.
-Personal: I would revise the first part to read, “We carefully made our way”.
As soon as we hit the beach I knew that we were being watched.
-Edit: Comma after “beach” and you can remove “that” if you like.
...and from the ocean and the coral emerged people painted with blue-green patterns donning seaweed.
-Personal: I would change “the coral” to just “coral”
One of our captors took the horn hanging a torch stuck through the ground on the first step.
-This sentence is a little convoluted, I feel. It’s just not reading clearly to me.
They held a long pipe in-between them and had their backs turned to us when we arrived.
-Personal: Remove “in-“ from before “between”.
Welcome once more Zen
-Edit: Comma after “more”.
The woman began to smile too now and both saluted the soldiers before inviting us into the temple.
-Personal: I would change “smile too now” to “smile as well”.
The soldiers saluted back before cutting our bounds and descending back down the hundreds of stairs.
-Edit: I feel as though “bounds” should be “bonds”.
...one male one female, and many many arms.
-Edit: Comma after the first “many”.
One small circular stone table stood in-between the chairs.
-Personal: I would remove the “in-“ from before “between”.
The two finally released their grip on the pipe now that they were bound by feathers and cloth.
-I feel as though something’s a bit mixed up in this sentence. First, I would remove “now” and then look at “that they were bound by feathers and cloth”. I think you’re missing a word somewhere in there, because right now it’s not reading clearly.
As the smoke began to curl around the mouth of the pipe the elderly man grasped the handle and began to speak.
-Edit: Comma after “pipe”.
This here is Itula, my mirror image, the high priestess."
-Personal: I would remove “here” since it reads rather informally, and somewhat dulls the image of a high priest and how he would speak to those lesser than him.
This here is Itul, my mirror image, the high priest.
-Personal: Same thing with “here” in this sentence. (Clever little dialogue you have here, btw).
“Now that we are done with formalities it is my duty to tell you the story of the mountains and the clouds. Zen has heard it many times already and Ceres too has heard it almost as many times. I suppose that means that either you two are extraordinarily forgetful or that it is a good story."
-Edit/Personal: I would change “done” to “finished”. Comma after “formalities”. I would remove “too” since “Ceres has heard it almost as many times” suffices and if you include the “too” it almost contradicts since she hasn’t heard it as many times as he. Also, I believe you can remove the second “that” in the third sentence and it would read just as well. :)
Another splendid chapter, Silver. I love all these cultures you introduce us to. I think this is one of my favourite, though, because of the fear that they hold about their culture being forgotten. It’s something that has happened before and is happening now, unfortunately, so this part in particular really struck me.
| lianoid chapter 14 . 11/25/2010
There is one story about how a little blue marble eagerly races around a star or is it that the story is about a star who is condemned to make the same journey every day from east to west?
-Personal: I would toss a comma after the first “star”.
Whichever way it is the story continues if we are lucky with the unveiling of the night sky and all the eager story tellers waving to us, sitting beside the moon.
-Personal: I would place a comma after “is”.
They wait to receive the stories that the Universe is so eager to tell.
-Personal: Remove “that”.
...with a telescope in one hand and star-charts in the other. The star charts become music sheets...
-Edit: You hyphenate “star charts” the first time but not the second.
In the beginning, if you believe in such things, there was endless space and the Universe was compacted into a size unimaginable small.
-Personal: I feel as though “unimaginable” should be “unimaginably” but I could be wrong. :3
Like all of us when the Universe was young all it desired was to grow up, and so it did.
-Edit: Comma after “young”.
During the journey there was stardust when the Universe began to grow.
-Edit: Comma after “journey” since that’s an introductory phrase.
It grew up a little too fast and so some memories were left behind in the clouds.
-Personal: I might change “fast” to “quickly”.
And the stars serve as containers of memory like a page from a journal, telling a small piece of the story of the Universe. Some pages have been lost to darkness and others are connected by a thin thread. The story remains incomplete as new pages are continuously being filled. One day the pages may find their way into another story.
-I love this. I absolutely adore that paragraph.
You can't have nothing my friend.
-Edit: Comma after “nothing”.
"In the beginning if you believe in such things we were stardust. And then one day we became stars. When we became stars we began molding planets and the Universe began molding solar system.
-Personal: I would toss a comma after “beginning”, “things”, “And then”, and “we became stars”.
As we were wondering a small blue planet began molding life and began to wonder if somewhere out there another planet was doing the same.
-Edit: Comma after “wondering”.
You too are made from stardust my friend. And so my brother, my sister, my lover, my friend, we are connected and you are connected.
-Edit: Comma after “stardust”
And if you do you need look no further than looking up.
-Personal: I would place a comma after “do”.
Amazing chapter, Silver. Another favourite of mine. Everything about it was beautiful and fluid. What brilliant thoughts; you conveyed them expertly. I can’t say it enough, I just love this piece. Your writing is just so beautiful; I can’t get enough.
| lianoid chapter 13 . 10/29/2010
We've been on this journey for quite some time now and I feel that the space between us has grown smaller.
-Personal: I would remove “that” from this sentence.
Thank you for forgiving my doodles and inaccurate drawings. Some things are just hard to express in words.
-Wonderful. The sentences before these two lead up perfectly to this final line. You explained it so simply but so precisely, as well.
As confetti rained from the sky the man put on his own mask and slipped out into the daylight.
-Edit: Comma after “sky”.
We are all lonely souls and people seek out like-minded folks.
-Personal: I feel “folks” should be “folk” but that could just be a matter of personal preference.
The world is too big sister, and though we are lonely we need to shut the rest of the world out.
-Edit?: Is he addressing his journal as “sister”? If not, I don’t understand the use of it here. If so, place a comma after “big”.
He is human, or at least I'm fairly certain he is and yet separate from the rest of us who build walls.
-Edit: Place a comma after “is” because “or at least I’m fairly certain he is” is an inserted phrase.
The Trickster's clothing is somewhat old but sports the style of worn and torn clothing with the glamour one seeking out such a style.
-Personal: I believe you want to place “of” after “glamour”.
He might have been identifiable by his ridiculously long red scarf on any other day but today he fit right in with a crowd attempting to emulate and support a band rocking out as they floated toward Central Ave. in the city.
-Personal: Place a comma after “day”. Also, “fit right in” feels like a tense change to me; not entirely sure. Double-check your tenses in this chapter.
"Come now Niz, you're not fooling me."
-Edit: Comma after “now” because he’s directly addressing Niz.
Come now Zen, you know I will."
-Edit: Comma after “now”.
"Zen my friend, you have changed."
-Edit: Comma after “Zen”.
It seemed like He had pick-pocketed Zen but Zen just smiled and dangled what looked like a golden key.
-Edit?: Is the capitalized “He” intentional?
My, my Zen. I may have underestimated you.
-Edit: Comma after the second “my” as well.
As he bent down to kiss her hand however Ceres dished out a serious slap to his face and displayed a most terrifying face of anger.
-Edit: Either place a comma after “however” or both in front and after.
He was thinking fast but for a few moments fumbled for words to apologize as he backed away quickly from Ceres.
-Personal: I would place the “quickly” before “backed”.
"It's good to see you too Niz."
-Edit: Comma after “too”.
"It's every man's weakness Niz, every man is afraid of that."
-Edit: Comma after “weakness”.
Anytime that Niz began to gain some confidence or charm Ceres only had to shoot him a look to bring him back down.
-Edit: Remove “that” and place a comma after “charm”.
It took a few moments and some encouraging before Niz took the wheel and began to pilot us through the people and around the walls that they build to keep out the spaces between.
-Personal: I feel there’s a bit too much in this sentence. I think placing a comma after “encouraging” would help lighten it up a bit, but I think, perhaps, it might be best to include the “around the walls” description in a separate sentence.
We need something concrete and we need proof and say 'Hey I'm right because this paper here agreed upon by many of us says so'.
-Edit?: Perhaps a comma should go after “Hey”.
Those that are not like us are given names like disabled, minority, special, challenged, and other no so well embellished names.
-Personal: You might consider changing the second use of “names” to “descriptions” or something similar, in order to remove the repetition.
...and just because the system works does not mean that it can't be somehow improved.
-Personal: Remove “that”.
If I don't then who will?
-Edit?: Hmm, I feel as though a comma should go after “don’t” but I’m not entirely sure. That just might simply be personal preference.
No we are the fools who know that even when the night settles in and the fools enamored by their shadows remain frozen by the moonlight or the darkness.
-Edit: Comma after “No” and this sentence feels incomplete for some reason. Oh, wait. Toss a comma or semi-colon after “that”, otherwise it doesn’t read properly.
It was only after we had finished lunch, said our goodbyes, and sailed out of port did we realize that we were missing a container.
-Personal: Remove “that” from this sentence.
How Niz had managed to smuggle a whole container right before our eyes was a mystery but Zen seemed curiously unmoved.
-Personal: I would place a comma after “mystery” in order to get a slight pause.
When Ceres asked Zen pointedly about the event he smiled strangely said "I don't know how, but I do know he took the container that was mislabeled."
-Personal: Toss a comma after “event” and “said”.
The ending made me chuckle. Another great final image. And another great chapter, at that! So many wonderful things going on with this piece. Eagerly reading on now. :D
| lianoid chapter 12 . 10/29/2010
In the first three sentences, there’s a bit of repetition of “the fog”. Consider taking a look at this again and revising, if possible.
The clouds that wrapped around Ceres also seemed to celebration by swirling around her faster than before.
-Personal: I would remove “that” and also, change “celebration” to “celebrate”.
Creatures spun from moonbeams and rays of sunshine who wore drops of Jupiter in their hair and rings of Saturn around their ears.
-What a marvellous description! It’s so imaginative and awe-inspiring and just, wow. Ha-ha. The two sentences that follow this are also quite brilliant. I don’t know what Jupiter in someone’s hair looks like, or Mars on someone’s lips, but I like that you just leave it at that; you allow the reader to imagine what they will.
There were staircases that spiraled from the inside of buildings to the outside, staircases where Scribes went up while upside-down and down while right-side up.
-Personal: This sentence is a bit dizzying. Perhaps change “went up” to “ascended” and “down” to “descend” in order to be a little more concise. (Wonderful image, though).
Roads were built vertically up buildings, suspended on thin air...
-Personal: “vertically up” seems a tad redundant. Perhaps something like, “Roads were built on buildings, vertically suspended on thin air...” might work.
And despite the chaos there was only a quiet babble of noise as Scribes hurried from one place to another.
-Personal: I would toss a comma after “chaos”.
I asked if she had been here before and she replied "This is my home."
-Edit: Comma after “replied”.
And as we waltzed our way through the dancers the music transitioned effortlessly from a slow Fox-trot to Hardcore, bass-thumping techno.
-Personal: I feel a comma should be placed after “dancers”.
I turned and she was beautiful.
-Personal: Perhaps find a different word for “beautiful” since in the sentence that follows you say, “beautiful stranger”.
Her hair was spun from morning fog that hung around mountains and left behind drops of dew. Her lips were spun from soft rain clouds.
-Edit: Second sentence: Find a different word for “spun” since it reads repetitively. Don’t use “woven” though because you use it several times earlier in the chapter.
This chapter is so beautiful. The final line is marvellous; the ending image, beautiful. Your writing is so refreshing. Your descriptions are so vivid and fantastical; I don’t even know how to explain it. Just wonderful.
| lianoid chapter 11 . 8/27/2010
One more review before bed. I won’t point out all of the comma placement error/suggestions this time round. I went a little crazy last review, sorry! If you like, though, I can always re-read the chapter and PM you the edits.
I loved the description of the woman. You didn’t just focus on her physical attributes, you told us a bit about her personality and history. I thought it was rather creative of you, and really rounded out her character, which imprinted her firmly in my mind. I could really sense who she was, and I like that you were able to do so, especially so effortlessly.
He, like many of the locals, frequent this cafe.
-Edit: Toss an “s” at the end of “frequent”.
He always begins a story the same way and I knew he was starting when he said: "People are irrational" before taking a sip of the darkest coffee the cafe had to offer.
-Another creative character-revealing description. You’re quite good at them, and as a reader, I appreciate the variety.
Brilliant job with the Economist. I’m unfortunately not thoroughly educated when it comes to economical matters, so I like that I wasn’t confused when I read his dialogue. You had him speak in such a way that could apply to everyone, and I appreciated not being lost. Ha-ha.
I can’t say it enough, you’re writing is amazing. Seriously, you have such a brilliantly beautiful way to wording things and conveying thoughts and emotions. I love that this story touches on so many areas of life; religion, spirituality, politics, science, the economy, magic and the unseen. You also have a brilliant way of tying all of the subjects together in a coherent and easy to understand manner. Although some of the thoughts and questions posed might cause me to pause and think, I never find myself wondering what the heck you’re talking about. I love stories that make me pause and think. This is definitely one of those stories, and I commend you for writing such a brilliant piece.
| lianoid chapter 10 . 8/27/2010
In the distance a city rose from the ground and stretched toward the sky.
-Edit: Comma after “distance”.
We disembarked from The Dream and onto a giant puzzle board of a world squeezed onto a few square miles building a staircase to the stars.
-It’s disgusting how great you are with descriptions. Ha-ha. Another favourite line of mine.
And as we walk the street flitting from one ladder to the next we gaze up only to lose sight of the stars, only to forget why we build these ladders in the first place. As we walk the jumble of streets and puzzle pieces we soon lose sight of the ladders to be distracted by street vendors, shops hiding in the shadows of the ladders and an ocean of people.
-Edit: Comma after “next” and “pieces”.
"Good morning Gregory, this is Zen."
-Edit: Comma after “morning” since Zen is directly addressing him.
He invited us in for tea and after some time offered to show us through the tangle of people and the spaces between.
-Bringing the theme back in. I like. I also really enjoyed the sentence previous, which mentioned all of the things in the room. I think it contrasts the image of “spaces between” quite nicely, actually.
But if you really want to unravel the tangle that makes a city you have to wait until darkness falls.
-Edit: Comma after “city”.
As the sun set Gregory took us to an oddity shop.
-Edit: Comma after “set”.
The other place was concave yet the two metallic balls pushed each other away.
-Edit?: I think you want “place” here to be “plate”.
We didn't buy anything but we stood in that store for some time as Gregory told a story about an invisible world.
-Personal: Comma after “anything”.
Science does a fairy good job of how we can sense these invisible forces.
-Edit: I think you want “fairy good” to be “fairly good”.
As a scientist two reoccurring questions haunt me.
-Edit: Comma after “scientist”.
No matter how many times I go I am struck by the vast spaces between groups of people squished in tight bundles.
-Edit?: Comma after “go” I think.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
-Edit?: Comma after “evening” I believe, since he’s addressing the audience.
He was right of course but if you experience things that you do not understand just go with the feeling.
-Edit: Commas after “course” and “understand” I think.
After some more card jumps he threw the cards into the air and as they fluttered down the Magician's suit turned from black to a collage of playing cards.
-Edit: Commas after “jumps” and “down” I believe.
Later in the show the Magician attached some scraps of seemingly random garbage together to form the shape of a man on a bicycle.
-Edit: Comma after “show”. Also, in the sentence that follows, comma after “hand”.
Once not so long ago a young child approached me after one of my performances and asked very innocently 'Sir if all of that was an illusion then what does real magic look like?'
-Edit: Comma after “Once” and “ago” I think, and definitely a comma after “innocently” and “Sir”. Also, in the sentence that follows, I believe a comma should go after “Well”
Now in order for this to work I need all of you to close your eyes.
-Edit: Comma after “Now”.
Well audience I believe that we have just created some real magic.
-Edit: This one’s a tad tricky. I believe a comma should go after “Well” and “audience” because “Well” is an inserted phrase/word, and he’s also addressing the audience as “audience”.
And maybe just maybe if everyone here does this then the someone you are thinking of might just be thinking of you too.
-Edit?: I think a comma should go after both of the “maybe”s, as well as after “this”.
As the Magician bowed the cards that littered the stage from an earlier trick blasted upward and he vanished into a storm of playing cards and the audience's applause.
-Edit: Comma after “bowed” and “trick”.
I went a little crazy with the comma placement edits. I apologize; I can’t remember if you mind them or not. Regardless, I found this chapter to be quite engaging, and I thought the final image of him disappearing fit the chapter quite nicely. Once again, you impress me with your skill. You have a thoroughly intriguing story here that’s a joy to read. Fantastic work, Silver.
| lianoid chapter 9 . 8/27/2010
I love the opening image of chasing the sun. It contrasted the confusion quite nicely, I find.
In the distance the shape of half a mechanic cog-wheel separated itself from the other shifting shadows.
-Edit: Comma after “distance”.
The Dream then sailed fearlessly through the metallic archway leaving a strange world and arriving in one equally strange.
-Edit?: Comma after “archway” I think. And in the following sentence, comma after “world”.
Oh, neat! They’re sailing on sand? That’s quite an interesting image. It took me a second to realize that, actually, but it’s late so I’m just a tad tired. Beautiful image.
The description of the woman alongside the ship was wonderful. It read smoothly and definitely painted a magical image in my mind.
As we slid along the desert...
-Fantastic. I like the word choice here with “slid”.
Ceres had created her own strange aura of wind and clouds that kept the dust our of our eyes and off the food the we were enjoying.
-Hmm, I think you accidentally added an extra “our” in the middle there.
I like Ceres’ character. I think you conveyed her personality in a perfect way. Her tone is wonderful and she definitely feels like a well-rounded character. I especially love the bit about dreaming on The Dream sailing through Dream Land. I thought that was really wonderful.
It is a strange question and maybe instead of asking is this a dream...
-Edit: Change the second “is” to “if” I believe.
"Well one possible marker for reality is the amount of detail that we can...”
-Edit: Comma after “Well” I believe.
As the dust settled the minor details of the landscape began to emerge.
-Edit: Comma after “settled”.
It seems that our minds do have limits on recall so although there may be an infinite quantity of data we only take in a small fraction at one time
-Edit: Commas after “recall” and “data” I believe.
In a way what we perceive as reality is not so different from this dream world.
-Edit: Comma after “way” since it’s an inserted phrase, I believe.
"Because even though this may be a dream, I'm glad to have shared it with you."
-Beautiful line. Absolutely wonderful! Gawd, Silver! There are so many amazing lines in this piece. You really have a top-notch brain. Ha-ha. You twist words so skilfully and produce some really memorable lines and settings.
Later that same night we sailed through another metallic archway...
-Edit: Comma after “night” I believe.
Another brilliant chapter. The tone was solid throughout this, and the chapter as a whole, had an almost surreal quality to it. I definitely felt like I was transported to a new setting—a dreamland, even. Excellent work. I’m really impressed.
| lianoid chapter 8 . 8/26/2010
Sometimes if you're lucky stories will traverse the spaces.
-Edit?: I believe a comma should go after “lucky”. I could be wrong, though.
Although Zen may be our captain he is also possibly the most mysterious.
-Edit: Comma after “captain”.
In this life I can be certain of two things.
-Edit: Comma after “life”.
However, I have also reasoned that my senses can be easily fooled by trickery because when I perceive a magic trick I perceive the trick in the way that the magician wants.
-Edit?: Comma after “trick” I believe. (Beautiful line, by the way).
Even if these scenarios are true I can still be certain that I exist if not here then somewhere in a bell jar or somewhere else.
-Edit: Comma after “true” I think.
Existence is certain; it is the location of existence that is not.
- Some thought-provoking stuff in this chapter. I think this might be my favourite one so far. I really like this line. I also really like that he didn’t dwell on it. It showed a bit more of his person, and I quite liked that you left it open for others to think about.
Wow, Silver. Like, wow! This is a brilliant chapter! I really quite enjoy reading this story because it really gets me thinking about things I otherwise only mull over occasionally. This is a really, really great chapter. I love some of the subtle repetition; it made it feel like he was thinking while he was talking. Like he was pausing before elaborating. It just felt like a real dialogue. It was great. Fantastic work here.
| lianoid chapter 7 . 8/1/2010
I thought Alice’s ideas about censorship and her questions on art were eloquently conveyed and clear. I quite enjoyed this part, really. I had done a project on media censorship several months back, so it was nice to read a brief touching on the topic in this story.
I adored Zen’s goodbye. His tone was conveyed marvellously here, and it had a really great vibe to it. Personally, I hate goodbyes. Whether they be for merely a few hours or longer, I’m not a fan of them. Perhaps I’ll adopt Zen’s method of farewell. It was beautifully written and was a fitting conclusion for the pair.
The image of the flying fish was so creative! It was a nice surprise event that I thought added a wonderful splash of colour and light humour to this chapter.
Excellent ending. I thought the second last line about meeting the horizon only to then have to chase it further was wonderful. It also contrasted nicely with the image of The Dream drifting on.
Overall, another wicked chapter. No edits, no suggestions, no complaints. Fantastic work, Silver.
| lianoid chapter 6 . 7/12/2010
Comments on Chapter 4 revision
Tonight the stars have gathered to dance around a moon like young spirits around a disco ball.
-Excellent. I think this works much better.
Wonderful revision. Everything was a lot clearer; I knew when each new person was speaking. Yes, I quite approve of this. ;)
Onto chapter 6 now...
Although her lips are sealed tightly sometimes her thoughts fly from her like strands of string grabbing gusts of wind.
-Beautiful description. I really enjoyed this line.
I adored this chapter. I have no complaints or suggestions. This was perfect. I quite like The Fool, now. I thought the way she conveyed her opinion on same-sex marriage to be rather clever and made perfect sense. Personally, I’ve never had a problem with it; so it’s nice to see this sort of thing addressed in a story. I also enjoy these topics you’re covering. At first it seemed like a simple journey on The Dreamer, with strange entities to spice up the scenery, but then you delve into touchy topics and I can’t help but nod my head and ponder along with the characters. This is more than just a simple sea journey with a casual stop. This I definitely a cleverly crafted metaphor for something larger. You’re exploring not just the physical terrain, but the mental and spiritual as well.
This chapter was clear and free of fault. I really appreciate the declaration of who’s speaking because at times I’m so focused on the thoughts that I don’t realize the speaker has changed. I’m usually not a fan of blatant statements regarding who the speaker is, but I find I quite like it in this piece. Excellent work.
| lianoid chapter 5 . 7/6/2010
Another interesting chapter. This one contrasted the previous one nicely, since this one discussed religion and spiritualism as opposed to science.
I still feel that this story is lacking a bit of clarify. I mean, I understand the actions and dialogue and everything, I just think you could transition from one thing to the next a bit better. Not necessarily through descriptions of settings; I’m actually starting to get used to the format you’ve adopted here, as well as enjoying it. You describe things briefly and then move on to discussions. Everything that’s being said interests me, however I feel like something’s missing. I don’t know exactly what, but it just feels like you need to tie everything in/transition from one scene/idea/whatever, to the next a bit better.
I also don’t understand the “Zen continued his story” part. I thought the Historian was speaking? I also forget who Gregory is; I didn’t think there was any mention of a Gregory in this chapter. / (It’s extremely hot out today and I’m a little fatigued, so it’s most likely me just being dull again). One more thing, you had a closing quotation mark at the end of the second half here. I’m a little confused because I don’t recall any dialogue in this second part.