|Reviews for The First Is Always the Best|
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 8/29/2012
As I haven’t read this fic before, I don’t think you’ll profit very much from me jumping straight to chapter five.
[Disney had 2D animated cartoons, and many of its animated movies were musicals.] – I think having the repetition of variants of “animation” gets a little tedious and weak. You even need to bother with “animated”.
Apart from that, I liked how you introduced the context in a general sense (although it does sound more like an essay than a fictional story to be honest) because it’s good at setting a scene in a somewhat unfamiliar world and reminds me a little of the Great Gatsby, which is good in itself but I don’t think the second paragraph linked in particularly well with the first so that doesn’t make it a particularly effective structure. That’s something you should think about.
In the next paragraph, you use the word “play” an awful lot as well, and the tone of that repetition rather contradicts what you set up in the first paragraph. I don’t like how disjointed that makes the fic because the way you’ve structured it suggests there should be a cohesive flow over there.
I like how Mickey Mouse showed up; it did a good job linking back to the first paragraph. And Casper was a nice touch as well. It’s a little older than 1995, isn’t it? And the childish voices came out quite well with the dialogue too; they just didn’t match with your setting up the context.
| whatthegreencarrot chapter 1 . 8/21/2012
["Hi," she said in a high-pitched voice.
Her front teeth was fairly large.] You could put these paragraphs together as one.
This was a nice beginning, little kids are always fun to think about. You wouldn't know at first that this was a romance story, unless you saw that it was labeled romance, but I can see how this would turn into a love story. Keep it up!
| Skyward Ending chapter 1 . 8/20/2012
This is way too conscious of what the nineties were like. The first paragraph was fine, but then you kept describing '90s relics. If this is set in that decade, then it should be much, much more casual about it. It's not someone from 2012 time-traveling to 1995.
This felt like all tell and no show. There are few descriptions, emotions, opinions, etc. It's all rather empty dialogue and "they went there" and "they went here." I did like that their behavior was very childlike. It was cute.
You should've mentioned that they lived in an apartment earlier (houses have hallways, too) in the story instead of depending on the summary.
Teeth is plural and friendlily isn't a word. Scrunch should be scrunchie.
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 8/20/2012
Hi from the review game!
[Her front teeth was fairly large]– teeth is plural, and should therefore be "were fairly large"
I like the way you paid attention to really describe the 1990s era with all the details about Mickey Mouse and Simba and whatnot, since I got a really good sense of setting from the story.
I do think that at times, it gets a little too much. For instance, I don't think the color of the Pizza Hut girl's shirt really added anything to the story and instead encumbered the read.
| Lotte Bell chapter 1 . 1/9/2012
Well, it appears you've gotten some negative reviews on this particular story, which is a shame. This was a sweet story. There wasn't "too much frickin' detail" as one person mentioned. Too much detail would be something to the effect of Dickens, don't you think? _ Actually, your prose was quite decent overall, your grammar was fairly good (I think I saw some typos, but typos are only typos, after all), and you tell a story nicely.
I know you wrote this a couple years back, but I decided to review and give my opinion.
I like this story because it reminds me of something that happened in my life. I was in second grade when I met someone who was a dear friend and, kind of like Max and Kimmy, we did happen to like each other. He was teased a lot in school, so I felt sorry for him and tried to be his friend. I stayed his friend until fifth grade when we had our first "goodbye", much like what happened in this story you wrote - I was moving 45 minutes away and was going to a different school.
Your story reminded me of that. _
The only thing I can think of to critique on this story is that sometimes it's almost TOO fluffy - but then again, they ARE only kids, and this story was about highlighting those moments in their lives.
Good job, overall. And thank you for publishing it here so that I could read it.
Keep it up!
| MMMMNWIAGMYCGMDMASGUWTMG chapter 1 . 11/22/2011
TO. MUCH. FRICKIN. DETAIL. i couldnt even continue past this chapter. I dont need to know what the pepsie can looks like, or what color the floor is. I want to hear about the story.
| J Author chapter 1 . 7/23/2009
Sorry about that, but I want my characters to get to know each other, since they ARE supposed to fall in love soon.
| PeaceALGL11 chapter 1 . 7/21/2009
You did a great job of writing this chapter, and I liked it, although, it's, well, my attention span doesn't last that long, and I'm afraid I was rathar bored by the time I finished it. But don't get me wrong, you're a great writter, and other people should love your story, it's just not my type. But it's very well written! Good Job!