|Reviews for The Shepherds of Society|
| Persevera chapter 1 . 8/30/2012
I don't like the ending. It should show that you have adequately expressed the idea in the opening and doesn't. It just ends with another rant.
I thought the rant was rather rambling. It might make more of an impact if it were condensed to fewer items
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 8/28/2012
[Quack psychologists, the news, the government.] - I think fullstops would work better there, because as it is, I find it reading a little odd. The way you've phrased it suggests the sentence is incomplete, and yet to break off into another sentence which works perfectly well on its own and probably wouldn't benefit from a merge. With fullstops, it would be immediately apparent you're listing. While it's normal to use commas in listing, I think it lacks the identifier that tells it to be a list, and there's normally an "and" which would probably diminish the strong front a little.
[I shake my head at the mere thought of either of them.] - either implies two, ie. either this or that. You've got three, so perhaps use a more general term.
[As a result, our society gets brainwashed into fear and forced to rely on what the big people want the public to believe.] - syntax disagreement there...of a sort. "our society gets brainwashed into fear and is forced to..."? or "our society is brainwashed into fear and forced..."
[The American media wants our society to believe that everyone from another country is a terrorist,] - I think a colon would be best there as you are in effect listing and defining the perception of "terrorist".
There's a lot of little things floating around that, but other than that I like how you've presented the information as a whole. It really does read like a rant - there's a sense of nonsensicalness amidst all the little sensible parts, interestingly enough. You bring forth a lot of little examples to support quite a biased opinion, almost as if you're appealing to subjective natures. One thing I didn't see though is perhaps satirising the opponent's argument to strengthen your own.
| Loki the Jackal chapter 1 . 7/22/2009
This is nice. I like the angle you're coming out on, that seems more true with each passing day.
Yeah, when I was twelve I thought the world was great. The year where Toy Story came out seemed simple, the days where things were all about kids, and school, now it's about this. And kind of justly so.
The guy sued the COMPANY? That's where human stupidity is at its ripest(unless he was all about the money. Then what better to do than sue the company?)
As for those that sue the company for becoming obese, they...they're just, well, pathetic. Addictions, when they come around, need to be controlled. And can easily be done. Unless it's cigarettes and anything else extremely addicting(you know they've increased the nicotine in that crap?). Food addiction can be controlled, the person needs to get a hold of themselves before they find they can't get out of bed one day.
Nicely done, seems I'm not the only one thinking the world has become one big conspiracy(no offense meant).
Commercials now a days make me laugh( seen the one for this...pet anxiety relief thing-a-ma bob?).
Greatly done, Fave for sure.