I dunno why, but I really like the name 'Edgar's Unnatural Boarding School'. It's got a nice ring to it. I like the idea of the different dimensions. Great chapter. Update soon!

I didn't expect Ivor to be a werewolf. Awesome chapter! Though may I suggest checking over your chapters? You seem to have missed a few quotation marks in the dialogue. Other than that, I like the chemistry between Fatima and Ivor. Ivor sounds absolutely charming, hahaha.

Awesome. Absolutely awesome, I can't believe how intrigued I am, nyahahahaha. I love Ivor, and it's only the second chapter! :-D Fatima is adorable. I love her too.

Wowow, that was a VERY interesting prologue, it's got me really intrigued. You've got something good going here! Love the way you did this. :-D

In this chapter, you managed to wonderfully pull off more with less. There's a lot more white space than the chapter before. More white space, in most cases, is good. I applaud you. Also, the dialogue issues from before are steadily disappearing. The only thing I kept seeing that was incorrect with dialogue was this:

“Hey.” I said in a monotone voice.

There should be a comma after Hey.

“Ivor,” I jeered, “Please pass me the freaking bag or I’ll spew all over you instead.”

There should be a period after jeered.

Another problem was the constant reliance on 'When' and 'So,' Which often makes a lot of authors fall into the trap of making run on sentences or a lot of sentences that sound similar.

Story wise, it bothered me that it seemed like Ivor and Fatima were the only ones on the train. There was no other reactions from other passengers. And how was Ivor, as a wolf running beside the train, able to talk to her while in werewolf form? Mind Communication? A werewolf who moves his mouth and speaks in english? Can she understand animal speak?

Otherwise, I liked that Ivor was a werewolf. I have a soft spot for werewolves - hence Augustine. lol. I got really excited when Ivor made that announcement, though I didn't think he had to go about proving himself by jumping out the train at that moment. Is he going to stay out of the train, than? A werewolf and a gypsy. I already like where this is going.

I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter. Assuming she'll arrive at the school, I wonder how you'll handle it. It's hard to make supernatural schools stand out after Harry Potter.

Just to let you know, I read this chapter. I spent a good twenty minutes on here typing out a very thorough and funny review that pointed out consistant errors, things that were extra awesome, and eerie similarities to my story Savior of the Supernatural. However, stupid fictionpress decided not to work all of a sudden. When I pressed 'Submit' it said it couldn't post it, and than I couldn't get the post back. Perhaps in the third chapter I'll give another repeat thorough review, but I'm not redoing it here. I hate when programs and computers screw me over.

I'll paraphrase the last line of the review though: All in all, I really like the story. I can't wait to see where you're going with this, definately since you vaguely think like me when it comes to the storytelling part of writing in the supernatural genre. The biggest problem centered around dialogue and your divulgence in verbosity. Your paragraphs could have been much shorter - and, therefore, easier to read for lazier readers - if you always gave dialogue a seperate paragraph. I wrote an article on dialogue in Tip of the Month. Its under my profile if you ever want to check it out.

I really liked this first chapter. Nothing grammatically incorrect stood out to me; it was very interesting; and it was a great way to slyly show two character's traits without making it seem boring and cliche. I'll definately be going to the next chapter!

~WriterGurlLW

WOW!

That opener was amazing!

I can't wait until the next chapter!

Sam (tomboy-4-life-911)