Reviews for Typical Her
skyward squidly squee chapter 2 . 10/14/2009
Again, you write an interesting [opening]. It definitely has a hook. ;P As I read the story, though, I wonder what the conversation was leading up to her saying that. You added some details in here, you could have added a little before that and it still would have had as much of a hook.

Well, I read the original first, and then the edited version. So you know.

With [pace]. I liked the pace in the original. In the edited, it seems a little slow and off. One big thing for me was: In the third paragraph, the first sentence and a half are about him, and the rest seems to be about her. The details are nice, but I get down to "Completely unaware she has aroused so many emotions within him," and I'm a little confused, because you didn't mention anything about his feelings towards what she said for almost a whole long paragraph. Yeah, it's not a big deal, but I noticed and.. let you know.

I think your [writing] and word choice were great. You used words that meshed together well, and didn't have any words that stuck out like they didn't belong. ;P Except maybe millisecond. Hyperbole, much? Which is fine, though. I hate when people act like exaggerating is a crime.

[ending]. Yeah, it's perfect. It ties in to the title, shows his overall reaction to what she said, gives the reader a revelation, and gives overall closure to the piece.

- giant squid. 4 Freebie D
Nicki BluIs chapter 2 . 10/2/2009
Hello again!

I think there is something to be said about being able to give nameless charaters a personality of their own. I like that the lack of a name made thme universal (it could be anyone) but they were very specific in their thoughts and emotions.

This newer version is a mixed bag I think. I didn't like the new details of the soda concoction. It was quirky I suppose (is it really though? I mean lots of ppl mix sodas...) but it didn't really tell me anything more aobut the girl.

On the other hand I really liked the "square, circle, swirl, heart" detail that you added. It gets inside the boy's head and allows the reader to conjure the girl through his eyes.

I didn't like the use of numbers at the end (in either piece). It kinda felt contrived to me.

Hope this helps! Oh yeah! Thanks for playing RM! that was ur prize! _

Review Squader Bubbles :P
dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 9/18/2009
Hm, I'm not sure if I can say which one I like better. They both have their strengths and weaknesses.

What I like about the second one is that you give her a real personality. This one feels a little too generic to really get into the emotions like I did with the other one.

What this one has is the charm of simplicity. It goes along more with the idea of "typical her," and gives more of a lighthearted feel than the edit.

I think maybe cutting the second-to-last paragraph of the second could help. The transition here from the "typical her" part to the end worked better, at least in my opinion.
dragonflydreamer chapter 2 . 9/18/2009
I love the poetic quality that this has. Usually poetic prose pieces are about something like nature, but the way you apply it to a straightforward romance is interesting and original.

I also like how, even though this is so short, you have an interesting and complete story. It's a bit cliched, with the guy who's in love with his best friend, but that definitely works to your advantage. You start with a situation that your readers are already familiar with, so you don't have to set it up, and instead take the space to really make it your own.

As far the "making it your own," I really liked your girl character. The whole thing with the soda is creative and really specific-it gives a great sense of her character. The guy's personality doesn't come through much, but I don't think that does much harm. It sort of like the ambiguity about it.

So, that's content. As for language, I thought you had good control over pauses and lengths of sentences. That was the biggest point where I could see your poetic side coming through. You really controlled the emotion and tone by paying attention to these things.

My biggest problem with this, though, was the sentence structure. You had a lot of "backwards" sentences (I'm sorry, I don't know the technical term for it), such as "For a millisecond, he is frustrated by her ignorance" and " Relocating it to her tiny hand, he sees the ice moving around and notices the straw creating different shapes." There's of course no problem with that normally, but I felt that you had this structure too often and too close, which damaged the flow a little. Try adding more simple sentences in between.

Great piece as a whole. It's nice to see you venture into the world of fiction :)
boltfromtheblue101 chapter 2 . 9/7/2009
Actually, I like the first version better. It's not perfect, but I prefer it to the second version.

I like the first one better because there is so much detail in the second one that is quite unnecessary. It seemed like you were just trying to increase the word count. The reader doesn't need to know about the exact content of her beverage. I understand that you were probably easing in some reasons of why he likes her so much, but you can do that without putting in superfluous information. The extra details also made the piece seem altogether very slow.

The first version, while short, was direct and to-the-point. There was no beating around the bush, which I appreciated. I really felt for the guy, because I've totally been there. But even if I hadn't, I would've completely understood his feelings. Poor guy.

This is something I noticed in both versions. I know it's the title, but "typical her" sounds awkward in real sentence form. "Typical of her" is more proper. As the title only, I like it.

I would love to see an expansion on this piece. :)
The Lucy Program chapter 2 . 9/5/2009
Your descriptions are much better in this edited version than in the original. They are simple but vivid. They really paint a picture in my head.

The closing was good, because it feels like a wrapped-up ending. Even though we don't know what's going to happen next, and we don't know what anyone will say or do next, it's all right. You close very nicely and even though there are all these questions, you make it so we're satisfied without having them answered, maybe even forget about any we had in the first place.

Blessed Be,

tLP.
Zombiesaurus Rex chapter 2 . 9/4/2009
Hey, I’m dropping you a review for the Review Game.

Ending:

Great ending. It feels like the last three sentences perfectly sum up the mixed frustration and desire the protagonist must feel. It’s also fairly definitive - the reader doesn’t know if his problem will ever be solved, but it still feels like closure of some sort.

Other (Symbolism):

I loved how the protagonist fixated on the cup of soda. It’s such a great symbol of what he feels for her, because it’s such a little thing. She barely even pays any attention to it, but he obsesses over it to the point where he’s watching her hands move, trying to figure out if she’s tracing shapes in her drink.

From a literary standpoint, this was a masterful use of symbolism.

Writing:

Normally the style this is written in would annoy me, burdened as it is with extraneous details and rambling internal monologue. However, given what we know about the protagonist, I think it works. The style of the narrative reveals something about the main character simply by the fact that it focuses on details pertaining to his crush.

Technique:

I like how you exploited the protagonist’s angst. That theme of uncertainty and anxiety is fairly common in modern and post-modern literature, and I liked your implementation of it. Not sure if it was intentional, but I felt like it tied into the ending as well.

Good piece,

~Zombiesaurus Rex
spartasghost chapter 2 . 8/30/2009
As this was a very short chapter like you stated in the depth forum, I hope that what I say is a good review for construction purposes.

Opening - The opening dialog was an interesting choice to start out with. It easily catches attention and makes the reader wonder what'll happen later on. A very nice hook to continue interest for the rest of the chapter.

Writing - This was a very unique story, as the chapter was incredibly short. (I'd say it'd be more of a prologue if anything) However, while short, it was well written, and there was a lot going on for the short amount of words put in this story.

Pace - The pace of this story isn't slow at all, despite the length. For a chapter with five paragraphs, a lot of build happens in this. Questions pop up and the relationship between these two is interesting.

Enjoyment - While a short read, it was very enjoyable. I liked the conversation the two were having. It was a good way to start out the story to keep intrigue.
Little Miss Cullen Cutie chapter 2 . 8/24/2009
I really liked it. It was really well written and descriptive without being boring. Could you please review my stuff? That was so good! KEEP IT UP!

~Little Miss Cullen Cutie~
Moon-Chaser chapter 2 . 8/21/2009
I like the second one better if it is going to be used as a prelude to a story, the first is more like a drabble then anything else, the second has more to it, more substance. I really like the way that you developed your characters in a short period of time yet still retained the mystery about them; like their names, how they met, where they are. I like that we know a lot about they dynamic of their relationship yet so much it left unanswered. I hope that you continue this I want to know where you are going with it.

Keep it up.
jojoba-music-girl chapter 2 . 8/19/2009
I liked the first version better than the second. To me, the second version is too detailed and it makes the thing a little boring, which the first version didn't accomplish. In the first version I wanted to know what he was thinking, in the second version I was just reading through the descriptions of all things, waiting for the story to continue. But I liked the first one, very much, though!
Faithless Juliet chapter 2 . 8/17/2009
I prefer this version to the first. It's more organized, and your thought process moved along very well.

Length was good, but I still think you could easily expand on this to make it into a story - it would be good practise if you feel that fiction is the way that you would like to go.

Much love,

Juliet.
Kristin Li chapter 2 . 8/12/2009
“Now you’re the type of guy I should’ve fallen in love with.”

I think they're is suppose to be a coma in between now.

Hmm. I'm not sure how to critique this, but I'll do my best. It was very short.

Characters- You added a lot of character development within a short period of time. I get the feeling that the girl is kind of strange but at the same time it is very unique.

Opening- A very interesting one liner, immediatly grabs my attention. At first I was confused, on how it was puncuated, but then when I read the first paragraph, I understood. I feel as though I did get the feel you were going for.

Writing- The writing was good. You had good word choice, but I did find it a little bit jumpy...but that could be because it was super short. Maybe you should've slowed it down a bit.

Closing line- The closing line kind of made me go 'aww' and it made me want more. I still feel as though it ended a bit to fast. Maybe you should have expanded on it a little bit.

Enjoyment- I enjoyed this a lot. Good job :)
CraigAPrice chapter 2 . 8/12/2009
This is a good prelude, not a chapter- too short.

I did like seeing your first go at it, just getting your ideas out, and then going back to add in details. More writers should do this, instead of just doing the rough draft and posting it on here, confusing us to what is actually going on. Not enough detail is harmful, as well is too much detail. One thing I would comment about this chapter is visuals. You give good visuals of things happening. Sitting down at a table, either school? or fast food place? That wasn't made clear. She gets up and goes to the fountain drink to remake her drink. Some things are really clear, I can easily visualize that in my head. My problem is, I can't visualize her, what does she look like? This guy character if he's in love with her and she doesn't love him, when she said something like that, one thing going on in his mind besides confusion and want. Would be beauty. He'd remember how beautiful she was, and how much he wanted her. When she walks to the soda machine or anything she's doing, I have no face, I just picture a girl I had the feelings with. For a short story that'd be ok, but if you want to make this a chapter novel, you should add some detail of what she looks like. Something like, He stares intently into her sparkling blue eyes - He watches her wavy brown hair flutter as she walked to the soda machine to reform her drink. I dunno something like that to be in there. Maybe it's not necessary, I just like seeing the visual, could be done in the next chapter though, with her description.

Anyway, I hope that you continue this story, this could turn out to be a really good story. So post up a new chapter !
Plej chapter 2 . 8/12/2009
wow this is way better than the first. Just wow on both of them though.

Okay on to the real stuff ... kinda.

Hormones: Wow this guy is full of them. This is a nice unique way of showcasing his love for the readers with the hallucinogenic shapes floating his way from her suicide soda. (I call those suicides, a friend gave them the nickname, yummy).

Audience: I think this would effectively be most popular with the teenage audience/young adults/adults, possibly even guys that are love struck, but still I believe more gals would venture into this subject.

Reading Ease: Perfecto and way nicer than the first. Everything is short and too the point, AND you still throw out these playful words for the reader to gobble up. This flows similar to that of a poem.

Dialogue: There was little dialogue but I felt that was for the better in this little chapters case. It was like telling a little tale or perhaps a preface to a story revolving around these two?

Visuals: The soda stirring is what stuck out to me most, it was like his feeling were being churned through in front of him.

Direction: I think this would lead into a very interesting story that I would myself like to read.

The Good: You have a good writing style going on and there were no spelling mistakes. The word play was enjoyable, typical you, lol.

The Bad: I did have a complaint on the first post you did of this chapter I suppose. But now the new version is glorious. I thought that one particular word was bothering me, but I like this version better. Makes sense.

Reach for the stars, fighting.

*~ricia~*
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