|Reviews for BreadLa|
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 8/6/2010
The main thing I'd say is slow it down! Everything seems to happen in a really short space of time. I think it'd really improve things if you slowed the pace. Right now, it seems that 'this happened, then this and then this...' which makes it seem jumpy.
Poor Breela! She's got it tough. I think you've shown that quite well, and I really don't blame her for being in a bad mood at school! I just hope things pick up for her soon.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 8/3/2010
You can really feel the bitterness coming through in the first chapter; it's good, the tone works for the situation. Although I do think she could have replied to Arianna when the girl was trying to get her attention; again, it seems odd that she's treating her best friend in this way.
Some of the dialogue between Carter and Breela seems a bit stifiled, almost like its there ONLY to inform the reader of the situation and the way things work there. '"I would be the poor, west-side girl who works her butt off three nights a week babysitting, just to help her family get food on the table," ' That line seems a bit bitter, and I was surprised at Carter's reaction to it. Maybe try to make it a bit more playful?
Right now, I can't really see a plot in this; things happen really quickly throughout the chapter. Slow the pace down just a little bit, maybe.
The style and tone do work well together though, and like I said previously you have an interesting character in an interesting situation, so I look forward to seeing where you take this.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 7/30/2010
The introduction - unique, but there seems to be a lot of pointless information in it. "It was big and white with black shingles. There was a gate that had "Welcome to Peach Wood Farm" written on it. There was a barn and three acres of land for farming." That sentence seems a little bit repetitive, when all we really need to know is that she lives on a farm. And if Breela dislikes her so much, why is she her best friend? It seems a bit harsh that she can't wait to leave her once they get to school. And a bit mean that she doesn't want that other girl to sit with them - if you want her to dislike her so much, then you need to show why she's so against sitting with them.
Other than that, I think you need to throw a bit more of a hook into the first chapter; give the reader a strong reason to want to carry on reading. Of course, I don't know where the plot is going from here so yeah.
The characters do seem slightly interestin and I am curious as to where you take this.
| InkedSoul chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
I have to say I didn't enjoy this chapter because it reminded me about going back to school...I like to keep thinking that day will never come xD
Haha, I'm just kidding it was an enjoyable read. There are a few things that you could tweak though. First of all I have to compliment you on the introduction. It was creative, it's pretty interesting to think that the whole story exists inside a "human mind". (probably yours of course)
In the beginning when Piper was having a conversation with Breela(which a unique name btw), you kept using "Piper said this, and Piper said that" without subsituting with pronouns. It sounded kind of choppy and forced. Sorry to seem pushy about these things but this is just something I picked up on.
Another thing, you included a lot of information that wasn't really necessary throughout the story and I also felt that you introduced a lot of characters in just the first chapter, it was sort of overwhelming. Try to make the story a bit more fast paced (something I also need to work on, don't worry) and anything that you feel wouldn't be vital or necessary to the story, leave out. For example, we really didn't need to know how to get to Arianna's house and the route that Breela took. It didn't really inform us about anything we needed to know to continue the story and just seemed like extra information. Be careful of that.
I feel sorry for Breela, to have to deal with all those things at such a young age. Getting a job, her father leaving her, and then barely seeing her mother. And sharing a room with three other sisters, that's torture!No privacy whats so ever D: She didn't seem bothered by dealing with all that at all which seemed kind of unrealistic to me. If I were her I would be yelling and screaming and miserable all the time. She's probably used to dealing with it by now though.
Arianna seems pretty overbearing and annoying to me. I chuckled at her "goat talk" though and the way it annoyed the hell out of Breela. Why become friends with someone so annoying and that only finds goats interesting?
(haha, goats...) Seems like a pretty odd realationship...
Some mistakes I found:
["Breela!" Piper, my forteen year old sister, screamed from the other side of our small bedroom.]
'forteen' should be 'fourteen'
[Did you take my new teal sweater with the little beads going a cross the top,"]
"Across" is one word and add a question mark at the end.
[Aiden slapped his hand on Tristans and they both laughed together.]
The part "they both laughed together " seemed kind of awkward. Try restating that so it will flow better, for example ..."they laughed in unison" or something along those lines.
[We found a seat around not strangers, just to follow my mom's rules.]
Try replacing "not strangers" with non-strangers" because it sounds odd stated that way.
Anyway, despite the few mistakes. The story is interesting so far. Just take the time to revise a few things and you've got yourself a great story! I don't really know what the true plot is so far yet but I'm curious to see where this goes. Keep writing, I think you have a talent for it(:
~Idareutoguess from the Roadhouse
| seredemia chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
I loved the way you narrated the start of this. It's like someone telling someone else's story in a sort of story telling manner. I LOVED that! It definitely made the story much more interesting and it was a great way to introduce it too. Great job on that.
'Piper, my forteen year old sister,'
- Spelt fourteen wrong.
Hehe. I'm loving how they have to share a bunk bed. That would suck.
"Did you take my new teal sweater with the little beads going [a cross] the top,"
- 'A cross' is one word. And you need a question mark at the end.
Man, Piper is a bitch! I can see why Breela doesn't like her...
"Mom bought you a brown sweater, just like this, this [ones] not yours, its mine[," T]he glare in her light brown eyes changed,'
- Get rid of the capital letter on 'The glare'. You also need an apostrophe after 'one'.
Hmm. I felt that you started to info dump. Such as when Breela was telling us how her twin older brother were going to be seniors. I don't think you need to tell us that, but that's just my opinion since I'm not very fond of paragraphs filled with information that you could just do without for the time being.
Hehe. I'm loving the older twins though. They're sounding mighty... nice at the moment. *Dreamy sigh* I loved how Tristan embarassed Breela by saying her pants were undone (who forgets to zip up their pants anyway?)
You keep forgetting apostrophes...
'She was also Carters girlfriend.'
- Apostrophe after Carter.
Am I the only one who thinks that romance between Breela and Carter is going to happen..?
Anyway, great start so far! This story definitely has potential. I would suggest getting a beta reader though (if you haven't already). If you can just fix out those typos and mistakes, this story will be perfect. Aside from that, keep writing!
Pretty please repay via The Unwanted?~
| MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
Hey there! :)
I found the 'introduction' strange to say the least. It sounds like a sit com or something - well, it unique, I give you that.
"What?" I said
- "What?" I[,] said
Today was the first day of school, Piper was starting high school, and I was going into the eighth grade.
- You can break the sentence up as:
Today was the first day of school. Piper was starting high school and I was going into the eight grade.
There are a couple of errors like above that can be fixed with a quick read. Also, you are missing apostrophes. :)
The only problem I felt is that you are 'telling' instead of 'showing'. The world constructed around the principal character is largely the writer's own work, but some things left to the imagination of the readers make it special.
Lilah had tan skin and dark green-brown eyes. She was about my height, not short but not tall. She was very into music and had a great voice, she sung at school events all the time.
- The above paragraph merely lists Liah's vital characteristics. Instead of telling that her eyes were 'green-brown' show them- comparing them to something in Bree's world that will help the reader connect with Bree.
- via the roadhouse
| Launo chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
A bit of an information dump in the beginning, especially with the physical description. There were no grammatical mistakes. Good job!
| alyssaaaa chapter 5 . 7/25/2010
im glad you started writing again! it's been over a year.
anywayys. amazing chapter(: I loved it!
keep up the good work!
| rockettwriter4 chapter 1 . 12/28/2009
good! write on! R&R
| Jareth the Monk chapter 1 . 12/28/2009
You know, I actually didn't find a single grammatical mistake, and it reads pretty straighforward. Not overly descriptive, more like some people are just sitting around talking. That's not a bad thing though. I've seen some relly long stories on this site with breathtakingly long paragraphs that don't say anything or go anywahere. My only question is, if the town only has about three hundred people and the girls family is that large, they could easily take over the town and be the ruling clan, and their own police force to boot.
| Alice Cullen629 chapter 4 . 9/26/2009
Long time no see!
This chapter is really good!
Very well written!
Aww, they notice she likes him!
MAKE THEM GO OUT!
make a girl named brooke come in...
You know what I'm thinking!
But that would ruin in.
This review is bad.
Well anyways I loved it!
What's going to happen?
Well talk to you laterr
| Shayrazor chapter 1 . 9/14/2009
This is a pretty good story. The one thing I'd look out for is using 'telling' details and not 'showing' ones. So, instead of describing a person as angry or annoying, you could describe how they looked or acted while feeling the emotion. I think you have quite a lot of potential as a writer, you just need to fix a couple of things. I hope this helps and that I don't seem pushy.
| Chu-Chi Bear chapter 2 . 8/22/2009
Good chapter, maybe a little it more details on the characters physical appearance. Other than that, good work.
| Viking-American chapter 1 . 8/22/2009
Wow, I am impressed. I read your entry on the review forum and you are to hard on your self. I have read a lot of fiction and poetry and this isnt horrible at all.
Some parts were slightly hard to read due to a couple punctuation errors, but other that that this was a ambitous story.
| Chu-Chi Bear chapter 1 . 8/20/2009
I like Breela, she's an interesting character. I like how she's not limited to one clique, that's alway a good thing. Lol i thought breela's best friend was fnny talking about gats all the time and breela trying to change the subject .. i lauged the whole time.
One like mistake i want to point out ...
“So then, Kurtis, the grey one, kicked Sly, then white one, and we had to keep Kurtis locked up all day!” She pouted about Kurtis the goat, the one who she obviously liked them most, because she talked about him the most. We started to walk down the subway stairs, the loud roar of the train interrupted her sentence and for a moment I was free from her goat talking. But the train quickly stopped and I continued to hear her fabulous stories of the three goats that lived in her barn.
You put 'then' instead of 'the', in the first part, and after that you put 'them' instead of 'the'. The eys have a mind of their own. Lol.
Youhad really good thourough details and i wanted to give you a thumbs up on a good first chapter!
Keep up the good work