|Reviews for West Coast Friendship|
| howdylv08 chapter 1 . 8/3/2009
Wonderful! I loved it! I liked the dialogue very much! Cute but still smart. I can see what Randy looks like. You name your characters so well! Randy looks like a Randy, to me. Sorry, my editor mode came out:
-"Liza didn’t care or either." Was the 'or' supposed to be 'for'?
-"But this park and this tree, was all the company she needed." Remove the comma and change 'was' to 'were'
-"And right now, that company was currently stolen by some stranger." Saying 'right now' and then 'currently' sounds redundant. Maybe remove the 'currently'
-"The wind whistled in her ears as she hummed along to the impromptu song." You haven't mentioned the song before... Change the second 'the' to 'an'
-"As she grew closer to the desired location, there something else besides humming and breezes broke that she couldn’t quite pinpoint..." Change 'the' to 'her'. Put a 'was' after 'there'. After 'breezes', say 'that broke the otherwise silence that she couldn't quite pinpoint;'
-"He asked more surprised..." Add a comma after 'asked'
-"She shook it lightly, and quickly dropping the warm palm." Remove the 'and'
-"...worrying about the damned sky and get out of spot before I push him out." Add a 'my' after 'of'
-"Liza's eyes widened as didn't meant to say that much about herself." Add 'if she' after 'as'
-"There was a scoff up Randy." Use 'from' instead of 'up'
-"...you're going to one of the best school's in the state and you hate it?" Remove the apostrophe from 'schools'
-"Liza said cracking a bit of a smile at his attempt to make her feel a little better." Add a comma after 'said'
-"It had been Liza's knowlege to know that a typical 'California' girl was big boobed, blond, Valley Girl." Remove 'to know' and add an 'and' after the comma after 'blond'
And again, use commas, not periods before quotation marks: "Wow," she said, "He's tall."
But it was still wonderful! I will keep suggesting to get a Betareader... Little mistakes are annoying... But great job again! Loved it!
| TheKingpen chapter 1 . 8/2/2009
Love it! I like the way you make your characters seem real but not overly corny by making them say things that real teens would normally say. Niceness!
| KelaBelle chapter 1 . 8/2/2009
Wow I really liked it.
| Mom's Mistake chapter 1 . 8/2/2009
Wow, this is different from your other pieces. Quite good, actually. I hate it when when someone's in my special spot, cuz I just want to knock them upside their head.
As usual, your descriptions are quite flawless. You should write a few more of these type writings. Reading too much depressing writing can be a bit...well...depressing! :)