Reviews for In My Wonderland
JaffaFoose chapter 7 . 3/25/2010
Review for all seven chapters.

Basically, I think this was pretty awkward to read in some places, but that it would make a fantastic song. Not just the ending rap, which would obviously make a song, but the entire thing. It would be a musical joruney through genres.
drink me pretty chapter 3 . 1/4/2010
"We are the sky"

Beautiful statement.

Ah, this really romanticizes

being out of your mind in

the most wonderful way.
drink me pretty chapter 2 . 1/4/2010
Some really good extended metaphors, here.

They portray the seeming transcendence of

being high quite well-as I assume that's

what is being referred to with the line

"Damn, this is some good shit..."

Yeah.
drink me pretty chapter 1 . 1/4/2010
Blunt. I like it.
GoneAndDeleted chapter 7 . 12/5/2009
I like this. (:

I love how you did a whole rhyme thing at the beginning,it was 's also a good flow with this,because I didn't need to stumble with words and it just went along smoothly.
lipleaf chapter 7 . 12/5/2009
I like the way that you incorporated song lyrics into this piece (though I'm sure I missed about half of them). It was creative and set this poem apart from the many others on this site. I think that the line "Check my flow, motherfucker, I'm ill" sounded out of place. It was just didn't match the line before it. Maybe if it was, "Check my flow, motherfucker, I'm still ill" or something like that it would make the poem flow more naturally.
Isca chapter 6 . 11/8/2009
"beat,

pulse,

untz, untz."

This was my favourite part. I don't know why, really, it was just awesome in a simple kind of way. :)
RavenclawMoose chapter 7 . 11/3/2009
The rhyming seemed rather erratic. It mostly went with the flow of the poem, which seemed to have a fairly erratic theme; however, I think the lines, "Sit back, relax, and pass the pills/Check my flow, motherfucker, I'm ill," could have been improved if you had "pass a pill...I am ill" instead of "pass the pills...I'm ill." It would improve the rhyme and the flow.

I enjoyed the imagery in the first two stanzas. The idea of being the sky or the ocean, or going off among the stars is an often used image, but still powerful nonetheless.

This poem made me feel rather sad with the ending. I got the impression that it was about a rush of high from drugs, leading to a melancholy after the rush wears off and you remember that you're just human and tied to earth.

The poem flowed well. I enjoyed the journey from excitement to apathy.

RM
Wynter WolfSong chapter 1 . 11/2/2009
I read all of this but decided to start a review here. Girl (scuse me if boy) but you have a way with words that's mind-blowing. You are officially my new favorite poet.

Just amazing.
wayfaringstrangers chapter 7 . 11/2/2009
This made me smile :)
RazorStar chapter 6 . 10/9/2009
Well I'm giving a general review of the whole series of poems since it flows so well together, each acting like another explosion in a head's minefield. You have an excellent pace with each stanza, and it really creates a strong setting, you feel like you're looking at clouds, or at a club listening to an awesome track. You have a very strong sense of poetic elements, and your heart shines through in this piece. Keep writing,

RZ
Eternal Skies chapter 5 . 9/24/2009
i liked cuz i got the feeling i was there, and i 'heard' the noise, living auditory sounds. and i also liked it cuz it shows your anger and nervous movements, your mental state isn't okay(not that you're crazy, i meant depressed/angery/sober from not drinking) so it's a great way of saying it in such a short poem but i would've loved it if it was longer
Faithless Juliet chapter 4 . 9/23/2009
I loved your opening verse in this piece. “my brain is a shell of muscle and rust.” Your use of ‘shell’ especially. When I think of a shell I think of impenetrable protection, and then when you pair it with words like ‘muscle’ and ‘rust’ it really heightens the meaning for me. Muscle makes me think of strength, yet rust makes me think of decay. All three are very strong visual queue for me.

The rest of the poem flowed smoothly, although I have to say that I don’t understand the symbolism of the last two verses: “A cigar, cigarette” they seemed strange to me in conjunction with the rest of the piece. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.
Isca chapter 4 . 8/27/2009
"I can see everything." The tone of this line is absolutely mind-blowing. I love the 'awe' that resounds in the speaker's voice. It's as if she's both thrilled and frightened that she can see everything.

"My brain is a shell of rust." Stunning description. The word 'rust' definitely gives this line some character.

"I can feel the eerie space." I really like this line - it's fascinating. Perhaps the speaker is captivated by the fact that she's able to see the grey space, the in-between space, between worlds/life and death/consciousness/etc.

"I'm trying." I liked the repetition of this line - how haunting.
Howle chapter 4 . 8/27/2009
I have to say, up until the last poem, I was not too impressed with this piece. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was good, just not great. However, the last piece, green, definitely blew me away.

I love how you personify the space in your brain. The voids in one's mind are so hard to describe, and you do such an amazing job with this difficult subject. I'm not even sure if that's what the last poem is about, but there's another facet of beauty to it, is that it's open to interpretation.

Also, I love the last line. And cigarette, in italics, as though whispered, like an afterthought. Also loved the expression to "kick out" instead of to "kick in." This kind of wordplay put the cherry on an already wonderful poem. If I had to criticize anything, is the length of it. It's possible to elongate this poem, it has potential enough anyway. However, I can't say it would be a great deal better, as this poem is already magnificent.
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