|Reviews for California Dreamin'|
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 8/9/2009
I like the title 'cause I'm a Beach Boys fan.
"My breathes became silent and my feet became numb"...breaths. Also you use breathed and then breaths pretty close together. Maybe put the fog line in the beginning of what you do or change one of the words.
"I leaned out as far as I could, losing hearing of the thrum of A/C"... this line just sounded really awkward. What does your hearing have to do with it?
That said, I really liked this piece a lot. I think the whole idea here is so wonderful and relateable. I also think you have some awesome comparisons like the suicide or dancer. And I also loved the line "detoxing it from civilization’s impurities"... that was beautiful. The ending was great also. The last line was perfect. Really great job.
PS If you're bored check out the Review Game and/or its Review Marathon (links in my profile).