|Reviews for Sick Little Games|
| XeeWrites chapter 1 . 7/15/2010
Hi! First of all, thanks for reading my story, How to Spell Fuck. I really appreciate it! If you have any suggestions, or found any errors, or if there was anything you didn't like, I would love it if you left a review. I always feel a little nervous when people add them without saying anything, lol.
I really enjoyed this story! Jayden is a pretty interesting character, and you have a nice writing style and interesting concept. There were a few problems with your punctuation, though, which I thought I might be able to help you with?
"Such a beautiful child. So Perfect and mild." He said lovingly,
"Close you're eyes and count to seven..." He whispered
"We will meet again, Chastity." He said
"Well, Mr. Blakely." He started. "They make money off of you, what do you expect?"
"Such a beautiful child. So Perfect and mild," he said lovingly,
"Close you're eyes and count to seven..." he whispered
"We will meet again, Chastity," he said
"Well, Mr. Blakely," he started, "they make money off of you. What do you expect?"
Basically, if it's followed by 'he said', 'she said', 'he shouted', 'she wailed', 'he replied', 'she answered', or anything like that, there is never a full stop. An easy way to learn this is to imagine it without speech marks...
Yeah, do you know where I can find Dia Hernadez? He asked.
It sounds weird, right? But
Yeah, do you know where I can find Dia Hernadez? he asked.
looks much better. Even if the dialog ends with a ? or !, it's still followed by lower case until the next full stop.
Just little things like this will greatly improve the quality of your writing c:
Asides from that you seem to have everything else sorted out! Your paragraphing is very well done, your dialogue is realistic, and your pacing is pretty controlled. Although it's a little weird that your characters all have such uncommon names, it doens't bug me so much if I try and imagine it set a little in the future or the past, or in an alternate reality.
Overall it's pretty well written and intriguing, but the punctuation makes it difficult to read. Once you've sorted that out I'm sure you'll have a lot more readers.
Bets of luck!
| Limited Edition chapter 1 . 8/11/2009
This is really good! I had a bit of a hard time reading it because it's a bit chunked, but I love the wording and the descriptions. The dialogue is very realistic.
| ImaginaryxWords chapter 2 . 8/10/2009
WOW! Just amazing! This is so orginal and I can't wait to read more, I love it already. Update soon!
| kawenchan chapter 1 . 8/9/2009
WOW! :D How original! And intriguing! I love it already.