Reviews for he takes a drag of his cigarette
HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 9/19/2009
I love the desciption in this. It shows me the scene so well I could almost be there. Good job!

However, the layout held me up. It was all one big block, whereas a poem is meant to be lined, or spaced out.

The last line was a nice addition. I don't know why, but I loved it.
in theory chapter 1 . 8/18/2009
Firstly I think the form is a good choice. It visually represents a cigarette (to me), and it's like one continuous breath. Not dissimilar from a drag on a cigarette. A criticism would be the lack of capitalisation, which I don't personally think added anything to the piece.

The imagery was fantastic; I got a very strong, crisp picture of the scene right from the beginning through to the final line. The way you used light to illuminate him "in incriminating angles" and to "crack the sky open" was one of my favourite things about this. Even how the light also shows him bleeding, and it 'makes' the sky bleed...it makes me think that he's almost bleeding because of the light too, it's too sharp. I think it's a very cliched subject to write about, cigarettes and smoking in the morning in a beautiful city. Well actually, thinking that I judge this to be a cliche I can't really recall any other poetry I've read that actually DOES refer to this subject, but something in me reacts like it should be a cliche. But I was about to also say that your language happily jumps over the cliched waters and gets the reader to the end without feeling...I don't know, whatever loving cliched literature makes you feel. You don't over-romanticise your words, even though the piece seems full of romantic themes. The cathedral, the dawn, the cigarettes, the firelight, the churchbells, the streets of home. You write about all of these with realistic language. Almost the language a scruffy, bloody smoker might actually think in, which meshes well with the "stream-of-thought" style of the piece.

Even though there's no definite rhyme, the enjambment works well (I know it's only kinda enjambment, but the overhanging sentences do drag your eyes all the way across the screen to the beginning of the next line, it just reinforced the cigarette-shape of this piece to me several times). At the beginning of the piece, I can't detect any rhyme. But after he stomps his cigarette out, we have a little here and there with "pathetic gray/alleyway", "creeps/eaves/streets/feet". The first time I read through it, it made me feel like I was following him, the rhythm gave an actual pace now and it really felt like he was walking home, but for the beginning he'd been stood motionless. I don't know whether this was deliberate or a happy accident but I really like it.

In conclusion I thoroughly enjoyed this, it's the first time I've ever read such a structured poem

that wasn't choked by its own format. It takes skill with the language to not only make it "fit"

the look but also make it "fit" your intentions for meaning. Well done, great read.

Jack
a silenced revolution chapter 1 . 8/13/2009
great character description; creepiness and grime well conveyed.

for some reason i just don't like the ending; it doesn't feel very final to me.
Isca chapter 1 . 8/13/2009
"He takes a drag of his cigarette and covers himself in a smog of amber-white smoke." This reminded me of F. Scott. Fitzgerald's writing style, for some reason. I mean that as a compliment (lol). This line immediately establishes an atmosphere of sophistication, reflection, and mystery.

"Incriminating angles." So, I don't know about you, but I think this part is pretty darn PHENOMENAL.

I adored the connection between the man 'snuffing out the dawn' and 'stomping on his cigarette.' This comparison is so striking and nouveau.

The imagery in this piece is perfect - it's so crafty and rich. I really enjoyed reading this piece. Keep up the excellent work. :D
Duckies chapter 1 . 8/12/2009
I really love all your descriptions - they were vivid and had an almost sultry feel to them. They painted gorgeous pictures in my mind, and your word choice made the piece flow absolutely wondrously.

One thing I wasn't so fond of was the lack of capitalization, mostly just at the start of sentences and such - because your punctuation was mostly so perfect, the lower cases stood out a lot more. Not to mention I'm a bit of a spazz when it comes to capitalization xD

I really did enjoy this piece though, your phrasing was splendid, and the rhythm was velvety. Brilliant work :)
one thousand paper cranes chapter 1 . 8/11/2009
This is really different from a lot of other things I've read. I like it. :) The setting is really cool and creative (it kind of reminds me of Notre Dame or something), and I enjoyed reading. A lot.

Some people don't like to read prose because of the paragraph format, but it doesn't bother me. And you had some great word choices that were so vivid and descriptive. Beautiful. :D

Lovely job!