|Reviews for Take Flight, Human|
| Meagan chapter 1 . 2/15/2011
I really enjoyed this story. Though the only thing that I felt was left ot was Arevis Athine and Terran's age. From the context I couldn't figure out if they were ten or sixteen. Other than that, the first chapter was intriguing and the detailed descriptions allowed me to slip into thier world, just like any good novel would. I plan to continue reading your story. I'm ecited to see what happens next.
| Valerian Vagrant chapter 8 . 11/4/2010
This chapter had a nourishing dose of excitement. A horde of fervid dragons after escaping the king shows how popular this little coterie is. It also demonstrates how far they're coming along with tactical and combat situations.
"The dome shrank. And shrank some more..." The second part is kind of weak to me; maybe spruce it up a bit as it is a dire situation when your barrier is constantly shrinking, and you have more than a few hungry dragons waiting for you.
I didn't notice any spelling errors or the like, but I'm usually so into the story when I read now, like I said before. I mean, the last time I was reading this at work I went over my break time without noticing. Are you trying to get me fired?
Terran seems like an excellent intermediary, which is vital for any group travelling together under such stressful circumstances. I also really loved this sentence describing Arévis: "She was too introverted to be considered friendly, but far too intelligent and well mannered to be ignored." The tension between Kirra and Aithné is interesting, but I'm still hoping for a cat fight...
| Anehalia chapter 16 . 10/13/2010
(to lazy to log in)
I love thestory and I can't wait for the next one. I think that you could get this story published with a little work (and maybe not even that much work). I have read much worse that are published piece. I think the worst part was that first chapter that I found slightly confusing because I couldn't figure out who was who, and whose point of view was the main one, but once I figured that out, I found myself really liking this story and often thinking about it. The suspence was great, and even now I can't wait to read more. It needed some editing for spelling mistakes, but everybody has typos and spelling mistakes. I have read famous authors that are published with worse. If you do publish, please post something.
I also like the ending, even though the cliff hanger bothers me, but you are setting it up for another book. (I always get bothered by cliff hangers)
I like the feel that they accomplished something, but there is more to come and who knows where fate will lead them next... Its almost a formulaic ending for a book in a series, but at the same time it works and gives the reader a definite ending.
| Dream-Silver-Haze chapter 16 . 10/10/2010
YES! Finally about time! heheh nicely done. I'm quite satisfied with the final chapter (of book one).
I was too excited to actually proof read so I wasn't looking for typos or anything like that.
And yes I especially liked the Arevis and Nevic scene. :D
| Valerian Vagrant chapter 7 . 9/28/2010
Wow, I was starting to think I'd never see a murky dungeon make an appearance. I was partly expecting someone to be tortured into oblivion because, well, you're writing it. Yet, everyone managed to bolt. Amazing. Hm, I wonder how many situations they can rely on Nevic to avail them before he is unable to. At that point, if they cannot fend for themselves, they'll garner nothing but tribulation. Speaking of Nevic, I'm very curious about his sword. Does it have a unique past and ability? Or is it just an ordinary black sword? ... Or will I find out? Ah, and using the guardians for experimentation is something I never even thought of, but it makes so much sense. Someone certainly would do that in order to gain whatever knowledge, or power, they could. Just look at Team Rocket.
A couple of errors I noticed:
There was a repeated use of the word "thrown" when it should be "throne".
"Nevic grabbed her arm and drug her back into reality as they ran." "Drug" should be "dragged". Drug is a dialect quirk in some parts of America, and it isn't considered correct in a conventional sense.
"She breathed in the night breeze, happy to be out of the musty cell." The first part of that sentence sounds a bit awkward, i.e., "breathed" sort of flops into "breeze". Modify it a bit, perhaps.
It's a good sign if I silently chuckle to myself, which happens occasionally when I read this; e.g., when Terran forgets he still has his blindfold on. Silly Terran. I like reading the parts with humorous quarreling, too; especially when Arévis verbally smacks everyone to start focusing again. Oh, and that scene where Zed had to smash the button to open the door totally made me think of Link.
| Valerian Vagrant chapter 6 . 9/26/2010
Now it comes together. The obscure ending of the last chapter becomes fathomable with this. A nice bridging chapter. Short, yes, but it lets you avoid bloating it up with filler and still have enough to inform the readers of important back-story.
I'm also starting to see what you mentioned about the gods; so far they each appear to have individual personalities. This one—the Goddess of Balance—seemed somewhat disconnected, or just odd. She was, however, slightly more useful than the last, with the use of her abilities. I suppose I could argue that by helping them she is upsetting an equilibrium of sorts, yet, conversely, by not helping them she would be risking the God of Fire messing everything up. Well, that's right, she is the God of Balance after all, not the God Neutrality (I believe she resides in the magical land of Switzerland). Ah, and you gave her gray eyes; this bodes well for the image of balance.
My mind was too focused on figuring out who Kirra and Kaleb's parents might be for me to think about any sort of night ambush, and so it came. These people can't get a break, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Exciting.
Opinion: "They prepared to fight, but the powerful, hulking dragons quickly knocked aside their own, blocking their attempts at attack." Knocked aside their own what? Their flutterbies? Heh, no, I'm sure you meant guardians, but that sentence makes it sound like they all have dragons. Maybe add a small clarification.
I really didn't notice any grammatical or spelling errors, so what are you trying to do, take my non-paying job away from me? Huh?
| Valerian Vagrant chapter 5 . 9/20/2010
Enchanting green osiers, information discloser, GODDESSES MATE WITH MORTALS! Uh, I mean, Silvia's indecent exposure? It's very interesting how different the Gods appear now. They aren't quite as powerful as they seemed, and they need humans as much as humans (if they even do?) need them. Most of all, though, is that they quarrel with each other and front face and flaw alike. Which, of course, leads to trouble for our weary wanderers. As well, with the introduction of seraphs, a whole new avenue of scenarios unfolds.
As for errors and opinion: "When I got the temple, she told me that she knew she'd be seeing me." Unless Terran inherited the entire temple, I believe you forgot the word "to".
I think you should partially re-word the very last part of this chapter. Though I understood the situation by reading it, I still felt just as confused as they did.
Other than that and what was mentioned in the other reviews, I saw... nothin'. If there are any other errors, I certainly didn't catch them, as I was completely absorbed in the adventure and plot. Which is totally your fault.
It is surprising. I came to admire the attractive, expressive settings you've constructed; by use of eloquent wording and artistic diction I may envision the brilliant and spirited Earth Temple, the pure candid fringe of Lux's mercurial figure, or even just the simple furrow of Arévis's brow. I've known you were a savvy erudite, but now I can see just as well that you command the helm of a fertile creativity. All of this residing in the body of one little girl. I won't hold it against you if your head explodes. My intention when I began reading this was to simply correct errors here and there, or give opinion where it was requested, but as I delve deeper into this story, I do so out of a pleonectic desire to observe what unfolds next.
| Valerian Vagrant chapter 4 . 9/17/2010
Action arrives; satisfaction thrives. I enjoy the narrative details of the combat thus far. Arévis can dispatch opposition without apparent remorse, I see. Though a trait deemed necessary for her intended course, foe and folly are still another's friend and family. Let us hope, then, that she doesn't embrace a more calamitous demeanor later on.
On to errors and opinions:
"We seemed to have found a nice little hiding spot for now". "Seem" would sound better than "seemed" to me, in this case.
"Surely he would know that it wasn't her choice, she was forced to leave… But would her father and Delia lie to him as well?" You're supposed to capitalize sentences after ellipses if it's starting a new sentence; however, starting the next sentence with "but" (a conjunction) is informal. But (ooh, I can do it too!) since you aren't writing a business paper, the whole aspect of "meet your readers' needs" comes in to play, so it's really up to you. Either way is fine.
"She stood her ground, though, and lunged a few swift slashes at him, one almost grazing his side." I've spotted a rogue "though"... Won't you slaughter it for me? It interrupts the flow, in my opinion. It sounds so simple, in place of something that could be so much more vivid. Perhaps replace it with a suitable descriptive adverb instead.
"Aithné shook Kirra awake, and helped drag her inside the gathering, making sure to give the guard a contemptuous look before entering." The first comma isn't really necessary.
"(Edajian City) is not far from here." Is that a place holder name? I'm seeing lots of (?) rivers and cities, as well. No rush, but when will you grant them names?
"A bunch of leaves came flying at Aithné. Before she could duck, she prepared to scream, but her mouth was stuffed with leaves, and with a thud she had a very bad headache." Nothing to add here, just that this part actually made me chuckle. Amusing to imagine. As well, (though in a different manner) I very much enjoyed the retrospective section where Arévis converses with Aithné about the Edajians' ambush. Lobbing off the heads of those that would just as soon lob off yours is a huge jump in lifestyle from playing pirates in the local river, yet Arévis explains her actions as calmly and logically as ever.
It is appropriate to say you've garnered my consideration, seeing as how I'm reading this instead of going to sleep. I blame that solely on you, so I'll allow you apologize when you see fit... yes. Oh, and I shall have to keep my eyes on Kaleb. After all, "Silent men like still waters, are deep and dangerous."
| Valerian Vagrant chapter 3 . 9/10/2010
So, you've managed to turn my modest interest into vivid fruition. Terran was duped of his assured guardian? Valerian soldiers are hunting Arévis and Aithné? Terran plays the lyre! I'm not sure what to think anymore. Hah, reading this story actually makes me feel happy which is a relatively ambitious task.
On to the errors:
"Arévis, however, was more on track, eyeing the swords on the wall, trying to find which would be most suitable to her needs. She knew Arévis would want to head to the staff section soon". I believe in the last part you meant Aithné would want to head to the staff section soon, unless you're trying to confuse the sanity out of me, in which case, nice job.
"Marissa, Goddess of Water, the five have arrived to received their promised guardians." Get rid of the d in "received".
This part is only an idea: perhaps spruce up some of the Goddesses' earlier dialog. "Hello students. Congratulations on your accomplishments. I have a reward for each of you, as promised. Will the first come forth?" This gets the point across quite promptly, but I wonder if an ascended being's dialog would be more "flowery"? Then again, perhaps I'm wrong. If she is an ascended being, maybe she would indeed prefer direct logic and direct conversation over pleasant but needless poeticism. I know of someone just like that, and her conversations are just as enjoyable as anything.
One of my favourite sentences from this chapter was, "A gush of icy air rushed past him, and he staggered backward, one hand on the hilt of his sword, the other to his frostbitten face." It balances description and flow very well. Any feelings of slowness from the introductory chapters begins to melt away with this one, so it appears to be on the right track.
| Valerian Vagrant chapter 2 . 9/9/2010
The magic classifications you are using are amusing. I am especially keen to discover the full capacity of Black Magic. I mean, who doesn't enjoy necromancy?
A few corrections:
"Also Black Magic seems to be shifty." It needs a comma after "also".
You capitalize "Black Magic" but neglect to do so for any of the other types of magic. Unless it's a for a reason, consider changing that.
"Aithné led the way through the trees again, and stopped to gaze at her fort." This is one example in your story. The conventional rule says no comma is put before "and" in this case, for there is only one independent clause. If there are two, then you may add a comma. This goes for all seven coordinating conjunctions (e.g. for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). Contrarily, no comma is necessary (but still usable) if the sentence is extremely short; e.g. "I walked here but he drove." I'm aware you may be doing it to denote the flow of the sentence, but I can be picky about grammar formalities! There's always ellipsis, even though that usually implies a longer pause.
A normal em dash—they're great. However, if you use it, you are supposed to end the interruption with another em dash, period, exclamation mark, or question mark. No sneakily slipping a comma in to continue on. I found at least one example in the first chapter, but you used it correctly most of the time, (a correct example being, "I'm typing a sentence-then I deviate or elaborate—only to continue typing.") so I'll let it slide! I know, how relieving. You were terrified for a moment there.
Other than what I noticed and what was mentioned in the other review, it's thoroughly congenial. Also, I really liked the sentence, "Her long hair clouded around her face, drifting dreamily into a net of confusion." It puts words to images quite gracefully.
| Valerian Vagrant chapter 1 . 9/2/2010
A piquing piece to start off with. It leaves many paths to dawn fortune or folly, no doubt. I enjoy the thought of guardians and it is as well pleasing to see they have hints of unique personalities. I'll have to read on to see how or if they develop.
Now, a couple of errors I didn't see mentioned in the reviews: "disappointed to see an alert face scanning the a large rock used for diving". There's a spare "the" or "a" next to each other. Then, "This field interested me a in my early years." Unnecessary "a".
As for the fluidity of some parts; I'm aware you wrote the early chapters when you were younger, so I'm sure you'll mold it into a more dapper form later. Ah, but what do I descry; you want an example? Don't mind if I do. Perhaps something such as, "Not when there are twisted lands out there, infested with ornery customs, hollow savages, and hellish phantoms; yet the the animus of man ebbs just as surely as the most wretched creature. Thorough, venal, seductive, is the embrace of corruption." Hopefully not too saturated, but you get the idea. Take the words and form them to your will; they are yours to fashion and influence.
So far so good, truly. I anticipate the rest. Kudos on the use of semicolons; I have a special place in my heart for them as you may notice. Oh, and that Nevic character sounds deeply handsome... if only there was someone that resembled him in real life! As if I could look in the mirror and see a similar, beautiful fellow. Oh well.
| Anehalia chapter 14 . 8/3/2010
Your story has gotten som uch better! :) I found myself reading, and when I went back to look for any mistakes I simply couldn't find them. The detail was interlaced throughout the story and I didn't find grammar mistakes (not to say that there were none, just that I didn't find them if there were any).
The one thing that did get to me a little was that you would start to break detail up into one or two sentance paragraphs that could have been combined and more efficiently written instead of making the reader read a bunch of one line details in a row. One line is usually used for switching dialogue between characters.
Otherwise I am thoroughly hooked on your story and impatiently await the next chapter.
| Dream-Silver-Haze chapter 14 . 8/2/2010
First off the technically stuff:
‘I had no idea you were a target you until after you called upon me.’ - Drop the middle you.
‘At last, he ended on Arévis, staring blankly (which she new was a disguise for curiosity).’ - Should be knew.
So I have mixed feelings about this chapter. I do really like it, though I feel like it needs to be fleshed out a bit more. The dinner scene felt like it ended kind of abruptly.
I am also kind of confused about Aithne'. Wasn't the army sent for both Arevis and Aithne'? Or was that just what they assumed? If so at what point did the group discover that Aithne' was not a target, only Arevis? (I might have just forgotten that part since I haven't read it for a while).
The hooded figure... It is pretty obvious that he is of some importance or else you wouldn't have pointed him out so much, but if he is that important why wasn't he at the ceremony? (Perhaps this is later explained... if so ignore my question :) )
The ending to this chapter also seemed a bit bare, compared to your other descriptions. I realize this is just a rough draft though and you will fine polish things later.
Overall I am satisfied! We are getting somewhere! Waiting for the next one!
| Dream-Silver-Haze chapter 13 . 5/31/2010
Okay structural first:
"...feeling that Terran and Terran wouldn't be able to recognize."
- Pretty sure you meant Terran and Kaleb.
"She didn't know if they'd be cut to pieces for one wrong word, or if they'd be cut to pieces before they even had a chance to speak."
- This is just my opinion but I feel like this sentence would make more or an impact and be more interesting if you used something different for the second 'be cut to pieces'.
"She didn't have anything to coherent to add to that..."
- Get rid of the first to.
Okay on to the content! I'm not sure if you planned this or if it sort of just happened in the course of writing the chapter, but I love the 'cold' and 'hot feel of the chapter. The landscape and weather reinforced the mood and intensified the emotions of the characters. Very nice transitions in this chapter.
I also enjoyed seeing the more playful (and happy) side of Nevic.
The Aithne' and Terran interactions were quite entertaining as well (not to mention cute).
The pacing in this chapter went very well, probably the best so far.
The only thing that I think could be improve it is a bit more of Kirra and Kaleb. I felt they were a little ignored compared to the other characters. But then again sometimes one must cut something out so the chapters are not to complicated or long.
Well looking forward to the next chapters.
| Anehalia chapter 13 . 5/25/2010
I like it a lot... but why don't they heal Aithne as soon as possible? Why do they keep waiting, and I totally missed what happened between Aithne and Terran that caused them to become all wooden with each other...
And when they eased away from the pass, and descended into he