Reviews for Untitled
Cazarad chapter 3 . 5/24/2013
I love this! So far I think this is brilliant! I love the idea that they are wizards, it makes this whole story really magical and it's a story you can just read and become immersed in. I really admire the character of Benji. He's my favourite character so far! He's such a complex character and the way you describe what's going on in his mind is brilliant. I'd love to see more of him and I can't wait to find out more about him.

I only have one suggestion so far about the way you go about describing him: make sure you don't overload with describing what's going on in his mind; often it can be far more enriching to know what kind of a person he is through his actions instead, and so far we haven't seen much of these. Also, on that note, I also think your two main characters could have more written about them int he way of reactions. We can find out a lot about characters just through the way they react to certain situations, but so far we haven't really seen a lot, particularly in terms of action, meaning we haven't seen the way their minds think and react to things, which means it is hardly for us to deduce what kind of characters they are. What I'm trying to say is that, for me at least, they haven't begun to feel like real people just yet - they still need some fleshing out.

I love the way you described Mousefin and you built up just the right amount of suspense on the ten-mile journey. I can't wait to read what happens next! :D

Emily D chapter 5 . 8/26/2009
Review Part 5:

-Your chapters are getting better; you have more action and dialogue in this chapter, and less of the summation that you had in the others. Most of what I want to point out about in this chapter is trivial or I’ve already said it before.

-Again, pay attention to the way you punctuate dialogue; there are a lot of places where you used commas in the wrong places.

-Also, don’t forget to pay attention to the dialogue itself and whether or not the speech fits the character.

-Your characters are still not developed, they still seem to be too cliché and obvious. You did well by showing their reactions to the “bad wizard” stereotype, but I still think they need more life to them.

-About the money: Is it necessary that the money pieces have names? Only my opinion, but I think you’d get the point across equally well if you just used ‘copper/bronze/etc. coins/pieces/etc.’

-The way you introduced the conversation between the two women with parasols was a little forced and sudden; I think it would be better if you eased into it instead.

-The Transportation Mirror: How does Luka not know how the mirror works when he owns a store specializing in magical objects? Has no one ever used the mirror before? Has no one ever explained it to him? Did the person who gave it to him die before he could explain how it works?

-One final note: This summarizes what I’ve been trying to say about descriptions:

“When you are describing

A shape, or sound, or tint;

Don’t state the matter plainly,

But put it in a hint;

And learn to look at all things

With a sort of mental squint.”

~ Lewis Carroll
Emily D chapter 4 . 8/26/2009
Review Part 4:

-I think you’re getting better here; in this chapter, your characters are acting more and talking more, the plot is moving on in more directions. So far, in your previous chapters, very little happened and what did happen wasn’t well-paced.

-One thing: at the beginning, you say that Benji and Helena were talking before they heard the heroes. Why not include some conversation here? It could be a good way to reveal character or thoughts without simply stating them in a summary/paragraph. It could also reveal more about the concept of heroes, or more about the characters’ pasts, or the places they are leaving/visiting.

-My biggest note is that your characters are still a little flat. Of course, Will and Jack are the typical handsome, dim-witted guys, but that doesn’t mean that they you should keep them this way without developing them into full-fledged characters later on in the story if they continue to be important. If their complete idiocy is key to the plot, then okay :) Helena and Benji are still not there yet; like I said before, a lot depends on the things they do. I know it might be a little early, but so far, all we know about Benji’s love for Helena is what you told us and what he’s thought about, and the fact that he’s jealous of the other two heroes trying to win her over.

-I’m not entirely sure what to call this, but try to stay away from using “made” before other verbs; just say the verb outright. For example, “and this made Benji annoyed” would be a lot better as “and this annoyed Benji.”

-About names of places: This is just opinion, but if a place is not important or will not be in the future, it doesn’t need a name. You could simply say “the bakery” or “the ferry” if the place is just a stop in the story. That’s my opinion, of course.

-Punctuation: Pay attention when you’re using punctuation with dialogue, where commas and periods are appropriate.
Emily D chapter 3 . 8/26/2009
Review Part 3:

-In this chapter you spent a lot of time describing and summarizing things. While we need to know what’s going on in Benji’s mind, you aren’t really showing us what kind of character he is through his actions, yet.

-I’m wondering whether you’re aiming for a certain length for your chapters. If you aren’t, then I think there are some parts in your story that could do with a little more elaboration for emphasis or clarity or to move the story along.

*For example, in this chapter, the people of the town are all flocking to see Benji off, which is out of the ordinary. You said that it was a big deal, and you did put a few details in there, but it was summary-like and just like you were relaying the events as simply things that happened. Reading it, I wasn’t sucked in, I couldn’t really see it happening, I didn’t feel the excitement of the town or any of their hope, or even Benji’s hurt. I think, in places where you want to get your reader to feel a certain way or empathize/sympathize with a character, you need to decide whether relaying events unemotionally or describing in a bit more detail is best.

*Maybe you could have something happen along the way to Mousefin? Ten miles is long enough for something to happen that could reveal character, or introduce someone important to the story later on, or just move the story along.

*Sometimes a character’s reaction to situations tells us more about who they are and where they stand than a look inside what goes on in their minds. Your characters, especially the two main ones, need to do more. I’m not saying that the thoughts vs. actions should be exactly balanced, but they haven’t done anything, really.

-So far, both Benji and Helena seem to me to have cliché characteristics. I think that’s okay, as long as you make them more natural and relateable. Even though they are wizards, they’re like humans, right? So, if you think of them as people, then it should be easier to have them act and react naturally, unless the situation calls for magicalness.

-The little things:

*Now, it wasn’t clear what the problem could be at all that was causing this disturbance. : Reword?

*And it seemed that the entire town . . . : I don’t think you should start the sentence with “and.” Not because of any rule, but because you don’t need it, it’s not really connected with the previous paragraph, and it starts a new idea in that paragraph.

*there to greet Benji at the . . . : I’m not sure “greet” is the right word to use; it’s usually for welcoming, and here they’re seeing him off.

*musicians played something nice and joyous as . . . : ‘Something’ sounds weak.

*but it was still a bit over ten long miles away. : All miles are the same length :)

*get there by the evening, and then he would find a room at an inn. Then the next day, : I think you should avoid using ‘then’ as much as possible when describing events; rewording would give the same meaning, but in a better way.

*So he learned to ignore the shape for the last seven miles and arrived at Mousefin in the early evening. : You said Mousefin was only a little over ten miles away from Key. In paragraph 6, Benji’s already reached the ten mile mark. So, seven extra miles is more than “a bit” over ten. I’d suggest that you describe the ground he covered in more general terms, “halfway,” “the last stretch/leg," etc. Or, you could say that he’d gone ten miles in three hours, and then say that he ignored the shape in the sky for the rest of his journey that day until he’d reached Mousefin.

*every time, heroes were sent. : The sentence seems unfinished; they were sent — why? for what?

*These battles decided who would stay, who would go on, and, in most cases, who would flee without raising a sword or wand. : I get the impression that what they do is more like a tournament among the heroes than it is a battle to discover the cause of the disaster and solve/fix things. I’m not sure if that’s what you intended.

*These were not rules. This was . . : I think a semicolon would be better here :)

*I think you should look at that paragraph [These were not rules . . .] again and rework it. I think you’re trying to emphasize the differences and the one similarity the heroes share, but it comes across as repetitive.

*The baker laughed, “Aye, that’s what I said. : I think you should replace the comma with a period. There are a few other places where I think you should do this, too.

*Thank you,” said Benji, “for the help.” : If you want to have “Benji said” in between the two sentences, I think you should finish the first sentence, write “Benji said” and then put the second sentence; don’t break up the second sentence.

*Benji continued on staring : Just ‘continued’ is fine; ‘continued on’ is redundant.
Emily D chapter 2 . 8/24/2009
Review Part 2:

-The first thing I noticed about this chapter is that you have a lot of explanations and summaries. You want to try to avoid summaries when they can be replaced by actions or expressions. For example: Benji’s thought process on why he said yes. Of course, that you would have to describe since we can’t get into his mind, and of course his reasons to say yes are of varying importance, but you don’t need to make them a list outright. You already said that he had many reasons aside from the first, so you would really just need to describe them, and then say something like “but, most importantly” and go on to the last reason.

-Another thing I noticed, not just in this chapter, is that you sometimes write up what sound like timelines. For example, in your second paragraph, Helena found a seat, then Benji sat, then the mayor came up, and you’re telling it like you’re timing them. Instead of saying how much time has passed, you could show it passing. Instead of saying “a few minutes later, the mayor . . .” you could say that “once the seats started filling up in the Meetinghouse” or “as soon as the majority of the citizens had taken their seats.” Whenever you find that you’re simply listing events as they happen, try to make them more realistic by adding in the actions as necessary.

-A note about describing people: Remember my comment in chapter 1 about the cloth material being more important than the color? I think the same thing applies with the mayor. Since it’s tradition that the town send beautiful heroes, why is the mayor tampering with it? What’s different about her? What’s her point of view? I know I said that you shouldn’t always describe everything, but you need to know when description is necessary. I don’t know if the mayor shows up in any other place in the book, but here she’s important: it’s something completely different for a plain man to be chosen as hero, and she’s the one bringing about the change, so I think a little more needs to be said about her.

-Dialogue: I think a good idea for checking dialogue would be to say it out loud to see if it sounds natural for the person speaking. I know that your characters speak formally, or at least more formally than most people [I ‘m not sure if this is what you intended, but they seem to be living in an older time period], so this could help you pick up on the times where you have them saying things that are more “modern.”

*Example: “How could you think that I’d let you go anywhere as near to danger as you’ll be if you go with me?” This is roundabout and sounds difficult to say. I think it’s unnatural for Benji to talk like that. As he is your character, you would be best to determine whether or not it is, but that was my thought.

*Example: “And if you, for a second, think that I’m going to give you a horse or whatever so you can come . . .” I’m not sure he’s the type of person who would use the word “whatever” in that way. Again, that’s your call.

*“There’ll be others as clever as me.” Again, doesn’t sound like him to make this kind of mistake; I can hear him saying “there’ll be others as clever as I am.”

-One thing I think you should ask yourself is whether the words you used are important. Make every word count. Can I tighten up this sentence so it sounds more direct, less vague, more succinct, more powerful? I’m not saying that you should make all of your sentences short and to the point, because variety is a good thing; I’m only saying that your sentences and words should match your ideas and what you’re trying to say. Some parts need more description, others less, and you need to strike a balance. You have room to expand where it’s necessary and get rid if the extra without compromising the story.

-About the mayor choosing Benji to be the hero: Since it’s the town’s tradition to choose the most attractive as the hero, wouldn’t it seem a little more realistic if there was more opposition, instead of an automatic agreement?

-The meeting was too quick, and the town reached a decision too soon. I think you need to work on pacing the events and letting them unfold naturally; I’m not sure a whole town could come to a consensus that easily.

-The conversation between Benji and Helena: You have

Helena as the kind of woman who wants to break free of the defenseless-female stereotype. I’m not sure you introduced it that well into the story, I don’t sense that the stereotype exists, it seems like it’s only her idea. Later, yes, you do mention that there have never been any heroines, but it’s not clear yet. Remember in Harry Potter, how JKR introduced the blood-status into the story early on, through the exchange between Harry and Draco on the train? Draco hinted that Harry should choose his friends wisely, and the Weasleys were the people he implied Harry should stay away from. I think you need to introduce that stereotype better, maybe in the discussion in the Meetinghouse, so that it makes sense for Helena to feel that way. Otherwise, it’s not realistic and it just seems like it’s all in her head.

-A comment about Benji and Helena’s relationship: I have a feeling that, somehow, the two will get together in the end. To me, it just seems too predictable and cliché for the main character to hook up with his dream girl at the end of the journey. I’m already expecting it to happen, which I don’t think is a good sign, unless you’re planning a twist or something unexpected.

-The little things:

*“Well, then,” the mayor said, finally in disgust : the comma between said and finally shows that you mean the mayor was finally disgusted, not that she said it in disgust, which is what I think you were aiming for.

*. . . and admiration, “Benjamin Miller : I think that comma should be a period; the mayor had already finished her first sentence, and this is the start of another one, so a comma wouldn’t be the right punctuation mark.

*Her expression went from distressed to her idea face, and then to the determined look she had when she had decided something and would not be easily convinced otherwise. : Since you’re showing the gradual change in her expression, you need to keep your descriptions consistent. An ‘idea face’ isn’t one, and ‘determined look’ doesn’t fit either. Maybe, “Her expression went from distressed, to thoughtful, to stubborn and determined.” It has the same meaning, but the adjectives are consistent with the start of the sentence.

*You use some of the same words too often, such as “which” and “loud,” and you repeat your adjectives.

*Mayor/Mrs. House: Maybe this is just personal preference, but Mayor House seems more befitting her character. She needs a title, and that’s the way you introduced her.

*Helena sat quietly opposite of him: I don’t think you need the “of.”

*. . . that after a few moments she had still not touched the pie in front of her.: You use “a few moments” way too often throughout, and here it isn’t necessary at all.

*They sat there for a full few minutes: Too wishy-washy; try for a set amount of time, like, “they sat there for a full five minutes” or reword.

*Beyond the door was the parlor, and beyond that was the bookshop, where the door was. : I’m not sure how important that description of her place is, but it’s out of place here because it doesn’t add anything and detracts from the flow. He’s trying to make a point to her, and this weakens it by coming in the middle.

*Benji sliced a piece for Helena and one for his self. : This was probably just a typo, but it’s ‘himself.’ :)

*Benji sighed in full frustration and stood abruptly up : I think there’s a rule about this, but it should probably be “stood up abruptly.”

*He then turned to leave, but stopped and turned around. : You used turn twice. Reword?

* "Then she became very restless in her anger [and decided that she needed to do something], so she went upstairs to her room without touching the pie and began to pack for the journey." : I think the part in brackets isn't necessary because you already showed it with the part after it.
Emily D chapter 1 . 8/18/2009
Review Part 1:

-I like what you’re trying to say in your brief introduction. The first paragraph could be edited, though, specifically the first sentence. It’s not strong enough and it’s a little awkwardly worded. Ex:

oTake out “Generally” because it’s vague and doesn’t add meaning.

oConsider: Do “wildness and strangeness” convey the precise meaning you want? I like wildness, but I think you should use another word or phrase for strangeness.

oJust say “the Witchlands was heavily avoided.”

oInstead of “by those who knew little about it” you might want to consider something more definite – they’re avoiding it because of the witches/wizards, right? So, “the Witchlands was heavily avoided by those who knew little about its inhabitants,” or “the Witchlands was heavily avoided by those with a history of prejudice towards/against its inhabitants.”

oI don’t think “therefore” fits as a transition from sentence to sentence where you have it, because the first isn’t a cause; it’s the effect. They stay away because of the magical people. So, maybe drop it and try to elaborate on the point that nonmagical people have avoided magical people for a long time; that way, you set up that attitude for the rest of the story, and we can see that it’s something special when the guy at the magic store is normal around the two MCs: “The majority of the population was made up of witches and wizards, ever since a rift had grown between them and the nonmagical folk many years ago.”

oLast sentence of P1is awkward. “The other thing” means there are only two things to note; all you’re really trying to say is that another unique fact about this place is that unexplainable things seem to happen here. Keep in mind that, sometimes, one word is more powerful than a phrase with the same meaning: “which defied reason” is the same as “which defied what made sense.” “in this case …” doesn’t read well because it seems like the two parts separated by the comma are in the wrong order. So, maybe: “Yet, one thing everyone seemed to know about this outlandish island nation is that it was a place that often defied reason. Take, for example, the weather.” [or “Take the weather, for example.”]

oJust an example: “Known throughout for its wildness and strangeness, the Witchlands was heavily avoided by those with a history of prejudice towards/against its inhabitants. The majority of the population was made up of witches and wizards, ever since a rift had grown between them and the nonmagical folk many years ago. Yet, while much that was known about the Witchlands and its inhabitants came from rumors and gossip, one thing everyone seemed to know for fact about this island nation is that it often defied reason. Take the weather, for example.”

-Your second paragraph is good, it just needs rewording. Try reading it out loud and see how it flows, then read it a few different ways to see if you can improve it. For example: “Ordinarily, the weather in the Witchlands followed the same patterns year after year, much like the rest of the world did. Aside from creating the occasional magical storm which plagued seafarers, witches and wizards had little to do with the weather. The power to control it resided with the very real and divine being, Mother Nature.” [You could also place a semicolon at the end of sentence2, then make the “T” small.]

-The rest of your intro was good, I like that you left the last sentence as a paragraph by itself.

-Their conversation was too short, they figured out what the reason could be too fast, and there didn’t seem to be any other reasons why the storm could have hit [I’m going to say the same thing about the town hall meeting]. I think you should develop the discussion more, maybe bring in a little bit of past history that might hint at possibilities. I like that you have them moving around and doing things.

-One thing I want to comment on is your descriptions. Sometimes, it seems like you should be describing one thing when you describe another. Like, while Helen’s putting on her dress, you say it’s purple. But, she’s putting it on because it’s cold, and you did describe the cold pricking her skin, so the material would be more important than the color at this point. At the end of the chapter, though, Benji’s comment about purple is fitting. Another thing is, sometimes you describe more than you have to, or you say things too directly. Like, when you say that the white snow shouldn’t have existed at all and that worried Helena; you could leave out that it shouldn’t have existed and the meaning would still come across because we’d know that from the intro and from the dialogue that follows. Also, at the end, instead of saying “leaving the blushing girl behind” you could say “He opened the door and stepped out into the cold, and Helena watched him make his way back towards his barn/farm/house/place.” Not to say that you should never state something outright, but you seem to do it too often.

-It might just be me, but these two parts seemed out of place:

o“. . . and they let the warmth of the chocolate seep into their fingers as they held their mugs.” Since they’re holding the mugs, the warmth is coming from the mugs. You could phrase more along the lines of “and they held their mugs, sipping their chocolate and letting the warmth seep into their fingers.” Or “ and they let the warmth of the mugs they held seep into their fingers.”

o“It made Benji hate them . . .” Hate is a strong emotion/word, and I don’t get that from Benji’s character.

-To avoid the two ‘there’s being next to each other in this part, “and when she arrived there, there was a letter sitting,” you could say, “and when she arrived there, a letter was waiting for her.” Sometimes a passage will read well but will look awkward on the page.

-I think you should take out the last section about Benji and Helena. I think it’s better to imply it rather than state it outright; that way, you can hint at it in the rest of the story with little snippets, present actions, and idiosyncrasies they’ve known that the other’s had since they were a kid. Does that make sense?

-Commas: My English professor’s advice was not to use commas wherever you think the reader should pause. So, for example, “soon gave up, in increased despair,” “a fire, and put some water on,” “at her, gravely,” and “farmers in Key, and” I think the commas are unnecessary. This isn’t specifically about commas, but here: [“I wonder what they’ll decide to do,” he skimmed] I think you might have meant to place a period instead of a comma to end the sentence, and then capitalize the ‘h.’

-You used heavily three times in one chapter. Either replace some of them with other words or remove them completely. You also used “which” a lot; sort of funny because you’re probably going to be using “witch” a lot :)
Huitzilopochtli chapter 3 . 8/16/2009
Review #3.

This line is from chapter 4:

"As all good people know, heroes always gain the romantic interest of a woman by the end of their journey."

It's very Deus ex Machina-y. Patrick Rothfuss did it over and over and over and over in 'The name of the Wind'. I didn't like it; it calls attetion to the fact that your story is just a story.

Oh. And I know everyone's told you about the whole 'showing not telling' thing, but I want to do it again.

Re-evaluate every sentence with some form of the 'to be' verb in it. Think of how it can be rewritten into an active tense.

Random thought: Maybe consider giving Benji a heroic rival?

"This chapter isn't even finished. This is the most unedited of the five chapters. I know it's probably very boring, because I'm talking about day-to-day activities that nobody cares about, but it's something I'm trying to fix.

Honestly, thanks for reading if you've bothered to follow along this far.


You're welcome! :D

Anyway, you're right about the fifth chapter. It's a lot of random stuff.


What's wrong with this story right now...

I know what I want to say, but I can't write it.

It reads like a shopping list.

I think that's what I want to say. Each event is geared towards moving the plot, and the characters are left behind.

It's like reading an old-time fairy tale. Where Snow White goes from point 'A' to point 'B', does this that, blah, blah, blah.

It's a style of writing that can make being eaten alive by a wolf rather unexciting.

Voice is what I'm trying to get at.

I think.

I'm sorry if I'm not exactly being helpful right now.

But anyway, the 'show don't tell' people were right.
Tezcatlipoca chapter 2 . 8/14/2009
The brutal review: Chapter 2.

The town meeting’s progression is too quick.

Does that make sense? They decided what the cause was too fast.

Because of it, your meeting seems more like a plot device than an actual meeting. It reads as a way to get the characters out of point A and on to point B. There is no moosh in between.

It’s not how town meetings work. In a town meeting, there will always be one arsehole sitting in the corner. I think she should be in yours. You know the type:

“How do we know it’s really this?”

“We can’t send Benji! He’s one of the only farmers!”

Maybe she could come back later to antagonise your new sub-plot? Anyway, town meetings are about tense discussion, not agreement. Conflict it up.

Benji being the one to go was decided much too quickly. What of all those handsome ones?

Also, in continuation from chapter one, there is no feeling from him or Helena (I presume one is going to be your MC?). How does he feel? There is no voice. I need one.

I think voice would have been nice here:

“The crowd quieted for his answer, but they did not expect him to refuse. The offer to be a hero was rarely ever refused, because it meant that one was not willing to fight for his town. Those few who did refuse oftentimes would leave their own town and live where they would not be ashamed to see the disappointed faces of their neighbors.”

This is telling . I would have liked to see Benji looking out at the crowd, maybe thinking about how he would be letting his town down if he didn’t accept, or something.

He needs voice in the next few paragraphs even more. You’re telling me how he feels, but Benji should be the one showing me through his thoughts and feelings. It’s detached feeling you’ve got right now.

He wants to impress Helena by going on a quest? Cool.

But don’t just tell me about it! Show me. Does he look at her and think “this is my last shot.”? Whassgoin’on?

Dialogue weirdness:


“What’s the matter, Helena; you like apple pie”

And “It’s snowing”

I’m beginning to think Benji isn’t as clever as you say he is. These lines just struck me as odd.

Their conversation seems a tad forced. And: “There’ll be others as clever as me” seems almost arrogant to me.

Benji’s line about the pie at the end.

I don’t like it.

Keep the pie! I don’t care about the pie!


Also, Benji angers unnaturally quickly in this chapter. He snaps from calm to angry in no time flat.

There are steps to progressing anger.

When Helena says she wants to go, he should:

1: Try to convince her otherwise. For a long time.

2: Accuse her of being stubborn, maybe?

3: Get progressively more ticked until he leaves.

He shouldn’t tell her about the horses; she can figure that out when she gets to the stables. :P

And lastly, I don't know about your handsome vs clever theme type thing. It needs to be a little more subtle if it's going to work here.

Instead of saying "candidate X nominated by the blacksmith was handsome" maybe say he was fitting of heroic description with fancy clothes, nice armour, cool sword, "He would be perfect to represent the town", etc...

And so on for the rest of theme! Theme should be sneaky like a ninja. Yours is sneaky like a smack with a sledgehammer.
The Origin of Species chapter 1 . 8/13/2009
The review

Dr. Origin's diagnosis.

Major causes of the bores have been found in the first three paragraphs. They will need to be removed if your story is to have any chance of survival.

Major bores also found in the last two. Amputation will be needed.

Minor structural problems may cause confusion, but this is a first draft; I wouldn't expect anything else.

Leading cause of the bores is this:

Straight third person narrative

I prescribe:

Switching to limited omniscient third person narration, focusing tightly on one character. Voice is one of those nasty pillars of writing, you know. Helena doesn't have one.

Emotional connection between characters and reader is weak. Helena shows little emotion regarding her surroundings.

When she sees the snow, I believe you just say she's worried? How is she worried? Is she anxious? Is she afraid Benji won't make it? Is she concerned about Mother Nature? Whassgoinon?

And how about that blush at the end? What was she thinking? Was she flustered blushing? Was she upset at him for that? Does she only like him as a friend?

Like OMG! Tell us, tell us! We're a 21st century audience. We subscribe to US, People, and Star! We want to know!

Benji also suffers from emotional detachment. You never describe how or what Helena thinks he's feeling. Does he grimace in anxiousness? Does he fidget? Do old fidgety habits spring up?

What does Helena think about his predicament? Is she scared for him? Barely keeping a grip on reality as she struggles to do simple things? Is she shaking?

As for subplottiness:

You already have one.

Main plot: the snow and frakkin' mother nature

Subplot: Romantic plot between the two.

But it's not your plot that's hindering the story; it's your characters. Bring them to life and you'll start seeing some results. The characters need to be more charactery.

That's all I got right now.

It was fun reading this :D

I haven't busted out the critical Origin for a long time.

Let's hope I learn how to use the submit feedback feature for the next few chapters.