|Reviews for Blues from under the Sidewalk|
| dragonflydreamer chapter 2 . 2/14/2011
After scanning this collection quickly, this is definitely the one that caught my attention.
I have to point out the [punctuation] first because it was so sporadic and distracted me while I was reading. You used proper punctuations in some places and not others, and even when you didn't, you still used proper capitalization. Unless you have a good reason, I'd try to keep it consistent. Also, in this line:
[Some things, aren't meant to see the light of day.]
the comma isn't needed after "things."
The [subject] is what really blew me away. I love how in the beginning, you keep saying "here" and "where" as if there's something following, but you never really reach that 'what,' just keep explaining it. That keeps it as much more of a metaphor for emotions than a literal thing, which I thoroughly loved.
By the end, the sentiment is just brilliant. Some things are really meant to be kept secret, and releasing them can just destroy you. Of course, there's always the question: where is the line drawn?
For [descriptions/images], I'll just point out some that I really loved:
[Where the streetlights/drown out the stars with screaming echoes] I like how you give sound to the lights.
[Where the ashtrays are full/and steaming with bad intentions] This alone really set the mood for me.
[Depression is just another word for loneliness/Romance is just another word for blurry sex] I think another reader mentioned these lines, but really strong imagery, and interesting choice to tie in the erotic.
[the sorrow of a youth long sped.] The first point that this reflects in the past, which works as a good catalyst to the later half of the piece.
[the moist heart of humanity/pounding away a melody of blues] Great wording and love the image.
[Dig though the sidewalks in your mind] First place where the second-person is brought in. Interesting.
[once you peal away those strips of sanity] Love the verb "peel." (By the way, it is with two e's.)
[Sometimes concrete stiffens in the right places./Some things, aren't meant to see the light of day.] Favorite lines. Perfect conclusion.
I suppose length would go under [form]? Anyway, I don't normally like pieces this long, but you used the length well. It was windy, like a sidewalk, and slowly revealed like the subject you're addressing. It definitely needed the drawn-out suspense that you gave it.
Really loved this one because it made me think so much! Even though it's the oldest, I think it's my favorite of the three I've read.
| SingViolence chapter 5 . 4/17/2010
These are all so amazing, my favourite currently is "Checkmate", but the one with the strongest meaning to me has to be the "Blues from under the Sidewalk" one. I think you are an amazing writer. Thank you for writing!
| HiddenFromYou chapter 5 . 1/5/2010
| Delicate chapter 3 . 12/6/2009
these are really abstract, and i absolutely love that. it makes me really have to piece things together. "The king can keep running,
but there's only one place fate can take us." that's my favorite line, and chess is my favorite poem so far. keep updating! I'll be watching for these.
| RYTwinDemon chapter 4 . 9/19/2009
Another beautiful poem. I loved your last line, it really gave out the message of the poem. :-D Another very well-done job!
| RYTwinDemon chapter 3 . 9/19/2009
I really liked this poem too. I loved how you used chess as your symbolism; it's easy to imagine and it gives the message really well.
| RYTwinDemon chapter 2 . 9/19/2009
Oh, this was lovely. I'm really glad you asked me to review this, because I really do love it so far! Though I normally don't read poems, yours are unbelievably wonderful. I loved how the message of your poem differs from what you initially gave, twisting it in such a way that was more believable than most other poets write. AWESOME job!
| RYTwinDemon chapter 1 . 9/19/2009
Beautiful. I really loved this poem, mainly because I do so love poems that speak of childhood, and your was most certainly wonderful. Great job! :-D :-D
| HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 9/15/2009
This was beautiful. It gathers all the innocence of childhood and all the hope you can have as an adult, and puts them together perfectly. The rhythm flowed well, and you got across what you wanted to say without sticking to a rhyming scheme.
One little thing (almost too little to mention) would be in the 2nd verse, where you repeat the word 'sound'. This held me up slightly, but it doesn't detract anything great from this brilliant poem.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 3 . 9/2/2009
Freebie review! 3 outta 3!
You use "I guess" two times at the start. Repetition is bad, especially in poetry, because poetry is (almost) all about word choice being your key to expression. So cut out one at least, would be my suggestion. I said this in the other review but repetition of concrit is necessary however XD Yay for exceptions.
"but there's only one place fate can take us."
Lovely line, particularly because I think it is so foreboding yet not over the top.
Overall though, I think you dragged this poem out too long. The 12 lines after the first line pretty much told me the same thing. I don't think you needed twelve lines to get to the conclusion. So, my suggestion: try to tighten it a bit.
Last stanza was not dragging out at all though, I think. I liked it, in fact. It had an effective conclusion, and the "you can't run from time" was haunting.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 4 . 9/2/2009
Freebie review! 2 outta 3.
Stanza 1: "The light turns pink in her crystal earrings
But it doesn't see her"
Really liked that part, especially line nr 2. Very metaphorical and deep. Piqued my interest for the rest of the poem, too.
In fact, stanza 1 to 3 had a sort of descriptive magic going on. Really liked those, you had wonderful imagery there.
Stanza 4: the moodkiller. For one, you repeat the word "half" four times, which is too much for just one stanza let alone a single piece. Try to cut it down. Repetition should only be used when it enhances something, and I think the repetition here only detracts from the overall enjoyment.
"the Sun has to leave"
I don't get why people capitalize objects. Unless Sun is a person, it should not be spelled "Sun", but "sun". It doesn't add anything to your poem that you have it as "Sun".
Careful with the word ethereal - 's quite overused on this site :/. Should also be a comma after ethereal
"A wily root that gives
birth to two trees"
Nice description, that metaphor really works!
Last stanza too - nice ending! You definitely ended it on a great note there.
Question: What happened to "she"? You went from she, to the sun, to "I" (say two masks, etc). Was quite confusing and hard to keep tabs on.
| Elementer chapter 3 . 9/1/2009
I liked this, I like how your related life to a game a chess. While it's not the most original poem I've read you've succeeded where many have failed.
First is your imagery "a tree stretching out its branches in possibility" I felt was a really powerful line. Most trees grow in any direction, so the possibility of where it's branches many end up is completely random.
You also have a nice vocabulary. While I had hoped for some fancier words, I'm glad you chose not to confuse the reader with complex vocabulary.
It could have been a bit longer too. To further relate to life and how long it is in my opinion.
In all I love it. It's solid and deserves to be published somewhere.
| KelaBelle chapter 1 . 8/28/2009
I like this poem because you have good imagination on how you are inspiring it.
It's like your there imagining it all.
The down fall on it.
Just some of the grammar mistakes you made. Like you could of put a commar at the end of every line to show your pausing in it. :)
This poem is good though.
| bipedalcooney chapter 2 . 8/26/2009
Beautiful imagery! I felt as though I were in the middle of all that you were describing. It also sets the tone and mood perfectly. I especially love the lines, "Depression is just another word for loneliness Romance is just another word for blurry sex." I really get the feeling of what the world you've described here is like. Great writing! Keep it up.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 2 . 8/24/2009
I loved lines like : ‘Romance is just another word for blurry sex’ and ‘peeling pack the bone-dry sidewalk’ they all have such fascinating undercurrents to them. They really made the piece come alive for me. I also really liked the blasé tone that the narrator had, it also made the piece more vivid and haunting.
Although I really enjoyed your piece, I think that the only thing that could be improved upon is the length (and I‘m a fan of long poems) but I felt that toward the middle you maybe lost your train of though, perhaps? It sounded like you needed something to bridge the beginning and the end, but that center section felt somewhat drawn out unnecessarily. I hope I’m making sense. I really enjoyed it, but I think with a bit of condensing and editing, it would become so much stronger. Keep up the good work.