Reviews for Blood Shot
1.21 Jigawatts chapter 2 . 5/12/2010
I guess the first question I'm going to ask is: Are you going to continue this?

This chapter hints at so many things in the background, as in a much larger backstory / overarching story, and it's off to such a good beginning that I'd really like to see you continue it if the inspiration arises. I like a lot of the analogies that Pyrites uses, by the way, it really gives off the impression of someone who has supposedly lived for a long time.

One minor thing I have to comment on, and I'm sure others have caught this, is that there needed to be commas in a lot of places, but I'm not really a grammar nut so it's not a big deal to me.
1.21 Jigawatts chapter 1 . 5/12/2010
I'm really interested to see where this goes. Pyrites is an interesting character - he's a prick, but in an entertaining way. I like how you painted the supernatural elements very seemlessly into a realistic modern setting.

I guess that's another penchant (Hah! This is the 3rd one I've come up with from reading your stuff!) of your wide array of writing / story - creating tool at your disposal: You appear to be very adept at integrating fantasy elements into a deceivingly realistic, on-the-ground atmosphere. It allows a reader to get attached to the scene.

That's in contrast to my own writing, where all of my settings resemble nothing like any sort of real atmosphere (and therefore it's very difficult to get into my settings).

If I may ask: where do you get your inspiration to come up with your stories from? More directly, what is it about your experiences or media consumption habits that you feel have influenced your presentation style the most? I'm curious as to the answer.

I'll catch the 2nd chapter of this soon. You're a really good writer, and that's being honest.
Mataoaka chapter 2 . 5/12/2010
Pyrites seems to have switched his philosophy on humans. In the first chapter, he treats them with utter contempt, but now we learn he is more interested in their lore and philosophy than his own. Things are certainly getting more complicated here, and I hope you pick this one back up and expand it a bit more. The clues at the end had me a bit puzzled, though. How did this mysterious vampire figure them out?
Mataoaka chapter 1 . 4/28/2010
Very nice! With all the sparkly vampire stories up lately, yours makes for a nice change. I'm sad it only has two chapters! One of the things I really like is Pyrites' character development. He is one cocky son of a gun, but it makes him so much more real. One thing you may want to watch out for is spelling and grammar. I'm guessing "served her vain" is supposed to read, "sever her vein," right? Anyway, real good job and I'm looking forward to more.
RentBoheme chapter 2 . 1/16/2010
Whoa, that was a great chapter! What happens next? I really hope you don't just leave it there! That would be awful! I'd die. If you haven't gotten the impression, that was a really good cliffhanger. I'm going to assume that she's the girl in the prophecy. And the prophecy is obviously going to come true.

One suggestion I have is to not use words like spat, growled, snapped, etc to describe how someone is talking as much as you do. Generally, the quote should indicate how they are talking. It's good to use these words sometimes, but when you use them as often as you do, it gets to be a little overbearing, at least for me, and also, it makes the characters seem really exaggerated.

I noticed some errors:

[Despite her faith in destiny and faith, if I could fall in love it would be with her.] This sentence is a little confusing, partly because of the using of the word faith twice.

[“Aw Paige, baby,” I rested my head on her shoulder, pouting my lips so that they brushed against her smooth pale cheeks “you don’t really see this life as a curse, do you?”] There should be a period, not a comma after "baby", because the part that comes after the quotation mark does not say "I said". Also, there should be a period after "cheeks" and the y in "you" after the quotation mark should be capitalized.

[“Stuck with you horny shits?] What does this mean?

[“Man, woman, vampire, mortal,” he paused as I leant across the bar and flicked my fingers, causing a flame to lick his stick and light it “yet you insist on going for someone strictly girls only?”] I don't understand what the first quote meant. Also, before the second one, you need punctuation. Put a period after "light it" then capitalize the y in "yet". I'm not going to list them all, but you make mistakes like this throughout (such as in the first quote I showed you).

Good job.
RentBoheme chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
This was a fun little read. Pyrites certainly his a bold personality, doesn't he? But then again, I guess he feels formidable, being a vampire and all.

This is well written, and you use a good variety of words, I just have one problem: if you're going to use "he said" or "she said", etc, after a quote, you need a comma, not a period before the final quotation mark, and the first letter of the pronoun should be lower case. For example:

{“I couldn’t help but overhear your exquisite conversation.” She drawled} should be {"I could help but overhear your exquisite conversation," she drawled.}

It's minor, though. Overall, pretty good job.
WutNow chapter 2 . 11/12/2009
Hmm... reviews are so delicious haha

Wow.. Pyrites thinks so little of humans. I liked how you expressed his ideas and providing us the reason why he feels that way. Well, he can say that because he can live forever, he doesn't need religion to guide him through his day. In contrast, us "mortals" have a time limit. There's no such thing as safe, and this pyrite guy is immortal- missing out in all the pleasures of life. Loved how you interpreted that through the chapter.

Ah, I see that you are introducing new characters. I want to learn more about Paige because you give out too little informatio nabout her. I was kinda surprised she was there. I don't think she was there last chapter... or was she? 0.0 omg am i missing something? I better go back and read.

And I was confused about the end too. As Epip said, I was completely lost. Who was talking in the end? It didn't sound like Pyrites or the girl he bit ealier in the story. Anyway, just clearing things up

Hope you enjoyed this review. I gave you 2 Yay! if you can, plz pay back 2 reviews for my story Heart to Heart! Please and thank you and I'll b back if you update anymore chapters

WutNow chapter 1 . 11/12/2009
Howdy, here from Roadhouse!

First of all, I thought your character's name was very funny, him being called "Pyrites" and all. He stands out doesn't he? His name isn't even subtle lol, which I thought was very good. I also liked how you made him into a very confident character, talking so boldly about himself in the beginning chapter. What I'm a little concerned about though is his occupation. I'm not sure if I just missed it accidently, but how old is he? What does he look like? I know he's devilishly handsome and all, but more physical characteristics could help us visualize the character more.

"I shook her head, saw her shock at the cold touch and smiled."- I didn't understand this part. Did he grab her and shook her? And why did she suddenly took interest to him? He has powers eh? LoL, just shooting the dark.

Oh, and remember about the dialogue, when someone speeks and you're going to add description afterwards, you put a comma instead of a period. And the description should not be capitalized. It is a very minor/fixable mistake.

Overall, the characters look very promising. OFF TO CHAPTER 2
3piph4ny chapter 2 . 11/9/2009
I really like this chapter, but I got completely lost at the end. Was this portion still his POV, or someone else's? Is this him being turned into a vampire?
3piph4ny chapter 1 . 11/9/2009
I can tell that you're writing skills are great, which means the story is fun for me to read. Nice characterization for Pyrites, as well as keeping it consistent in his narrative. Your choice of vocabulary is also interesting at times-it makes the text pop. Very nice read, and I'll continue to read.