The chapters seemed a bit rushed and the language between the characters were way too polite. I doubt anyone talks like that in the present even in Japanese. The conversations have to be more casual and fluid. During Reynaul & Micheal's conversation in English, it would have been better if the English dialogue was italicizes to tell apart from the regular dialogue which is supposed to be Japanese, right. I don't get the whole cross-dressing thing and why Saito would allow himself to be dressed as a woman. :/ There wasn't even a scene of him fighting back against Reynauld at all. Also since Saito has a sister complex, there aren't enough scenes with him involving his sister. I'm sure he would have confided in her that he's falling in love with Reynauld or that Reynauld is a vampire. Overall, it's a cute short story but not much detail in the scenes to get to know the characters well enough. I did like the scene where Reynauld confesses his love but doesn't bite him yet out of respect. So that was cool. And the cute adorable scene where Saito cooks for his big brother. That was cute. :)

/points finger/

Let me guess, you're one of those anime/manga lover's.

Can I just ask a thing or two?

1) Are you Japanese?

2) Do your character's live in Japan and/or are Japanese?

If not, than why are you naming them Japanese-sounding names?

OMGEE Luved it! YAOINESS 4eva!

omfg i luved it im gonna cry X3 plz sweet yaoi gods/goddesses hear me now bless her awsomness and give her the will to write and may it deliver us a sequal for all to engulf in a flurry of joy, amen :3 hope this chant works .

so cute X3 high on sugar lmfao and moon scenary btw sexxi ;] cant wait for more 8D

lol X3 the dress thing was funny XD ND THE ITS MONDAY BIT EVEN BETTER XD LMFAO

awes i get it now :3 havent read a vmp story in forever twilight destroyed the dream but this ones cool 8) LOV TO CONTINUE MY READIND X3 woot

so awesome sauce im already into it and so i shall continue :3 omg this is gonna b in ma favs list X3

momochan123

There were some typos (("'... I’ll lead you to wherever you need to go to finish his[this] dare of yours, hm?'") ("'Guess I’ll gave[have] to ask Michael-san about it.'") ("'Why haven’t you prepared inner[dinner] yet?'")), a missing coma ("'That would be great[,] Michael-san!'"), and two problems with tense (("... but is[was] reluctant to part with Saiyuri.") ("He decided he’ll[he'd] ask Michael-san...")). At one point, the wording got a bit confusing ("Saito was calm enough to answer out it came out muffled through the man’s gloved hand.") and “past” was written instead of “passed” ("'I knew you’d make it past[passed] the front door...'"). Also, one line lacked necessary capitalization ("[H]e looked at his friends again and continued, '[L]et’s just say I had a guide.'"). The sentences ("Now then, it’s time to wake the master. He will need to feed soon…") felt like thoughts and I’m not sure if they were intended to be them or not but, if so, I think they should be italicized.

I can’t yet decide if the pacing is too fast or not but I don’t think it is. I think it just feels really fast, in part because the chapters are so short, but also because there lacks a lot of character thought and description. Now, this tends to be a stylistic thing so you can ignore this entirely, but I really think this story could benefit if the reader was clued in to a lot more characterization for Saito and if there was more time spent on describing what he’s experiencing. Really, I think Saito’s cute and I love his big brother complex. Michael-san seems to be pretty nice and I wonder if he’ll become Saito’s comfort friend when things kick off with the mansion’s owner. Speaking of which, I’m quite curious to know what that master looks like and hope such a description will be given in the next chapter. I think the concept of this story is shaping up quite nicely and I definitely hope to continue on to the third chapter in the near future. 8]

At one point “resident” was written instead of “residence” ("He just had the misfortune to be entering the resident[residence] that is enshrouded by dark rumors...") and there was a mistake in capitalization ("It is actually a rumor of a different kind; [o]ne that deals with the supernatural.") as well as grammar ("’Now I wouldn’t[won't] be able to see my cute little freshman sister...’"). The big thing though for this chapter as far as technical error goes is tense. (("But then, a maniacal, cold laugh rang clear, and the source seems[seemed] to be behind him.") ("But his breath reeks[reeked] of alcohol...") ("In his mind he rants[ranted] in fear...") ("'Why couldn’t have they go[gone] for a man like me?'")) You shifted between past and present quite frequently but I think that past tense was predominant and so it should be changed to fit that. Of course, this is probably the result of your interesting narrative in this first chapter and I know it’s probably a bit difficult but the chapter would be made a lot easier to read if a single tense was used all throughout.

I really liked how the story was presented and, really, you are not at all a bad writer. You’re weaving a story and although there are some ticks (for instance, I don’t see the relevance of mentioning Ren and Ken’s running ability), this was quite an enjoyable read. Although I don’t have much to say about the characters as of now, though Saito’s fixation on his younger sister was cute, the premise so far sounds interesting and I’m curious to read on to see how things play out in the next chapter. The one thing I’d love to see more of is character thoughts but I understand that the opening narrative made that something just short of impossible to do well. Still, I’m hoping that that may change with the next chapter when I’m guessing the perspective will fall more into Saito’s hands.

To be honest, I’m wondering why you don’t have more reviews and, really, I hope that I’ll be able to give you the amount you deserve. 8]

OMIGOD! this looks VERY promising! *winkwink*

neh, don't give up, okay, i'm sure more reviews will come _

neway, i like ur style of writing, simple and sweet. kiriya is absatively LOVABLE~ i just realized that both saito AND kiriya have a sister/brother complex, LOLs HELL YEAH..!

keep on writing this, i'm sure it'll be AWESOME!

oohh! it's getting interesting! i like it! please update more soon!