|Reviews for In The End|
| Angel-Leigh Jones chapter 2 . 8/28/2009
you have a great idea here. It sounds really interesting and i can't wait to read more.
Try reading it aloud to help pick up those silly mistakes that elude us all me included.
Also trying showing rather than telling what happened. Eg The gray sky was filled with gloom just like here. - The sky was gray with black rumbling clouds. You could see rain in the distance filling the air with even more gloom. The feeling around the funeral was just as gloomy. - i dunno if thats an good example, i just thought of that on the spot. If you use google there are some good websites giving examples.
I'm not flaming you or saying that it's not good. It is good.
Like all writers we need pointers to help us improve our writing. I've gotten many since i've joined FP and its helped my writing a lot.
So keep going, don't give up.
Below is some pointers or mistakes :-
1. She was held back the tears that were trying to find a way to escape. - This doesn't quite make sense. You could write it like this instead - She was holding back the tears that were trying to find a way to escape. - Or like this - She held back the tears that were trying to escape. - in this last sentence i took out (to find a way) just because it just didn't flow right.
didn’t want to cry in front of all the people there. - There just doesn't sit right with me. You could leave it in but i see there as an extra because you already know that there are a lot of people there.
3. Isis always knew it was hard to lose a loved one, but she didn’t know (loosing) a parent was twice as bad, and she lost two making her pain four times more painful than anyone else in the crowd. - The word in brackets should be losing. Also you could take out she didn't know as well. The main this is that this sentence is far to long. You need to break it into two maybe even three.
For example - Isis always knew it was hard to lose a loved one, but losing a parent was twice as bad, and she had lost two. Making her pain four times more painful than anyone else in the crowd. - I would even maybe write it like this. -
Isis always knew it was hard to lose a parent, but losing two was twice as bad making her pain four times more painful than anyone else in the crowd.
4. She knew what he was saying so she walked over and grabbed a handful of dirt and put it in one of the holes, and then she grabbed another handful and put it in the other hole. - This is another long sentence. I would write it like this. - She knew what he was trying to say. Picking up a handful of dirt she dropped it into the open grave. Shuttering when she heard the clunk sound as the dirt hit the coffin. Grabbing another handful of dirt she dropped it into the other open grave. This time she didn't wait for the clunk instead she turned away. As she strolled to her grandfathers side she said a silent goodbye to her parents.
5. After each person was done with that, they came over to her grandfather and her to pay their respects. - When each person had said their good byes they came over to them to pay their respects. - i would write it like that.
6. She whispered in her ear. And she did. She started crying the tears that she had trapped for the past three days. When she was done she let go of her friend and wiped her now soaked cheeks. - She whispered in her ear. The tears she had been holding back for the past three days ran rivers down her cheeks. - i would write it like that. They way you have it is good but take out (and she did)
7. My mom (as) always thought of you as a daughter.” - should be has.
There are a few more but i didn't want to list them all.
| Angel-Leigh Jones chapter 1 . 8/28/2009
wow this is really intense. Short but it hooks you which is exactly what a prologue is meant to do :)
Angel - The roadhouse forum please can pay it to broken mirror
| BaxterB chapter 2 . 8/23/2009
I'm definitely interested in the story so far. It's hard to critique the story right now because it's just started, but I can say you do have a few grammar issues. Try getting a friend or a parent to read over it to point some of those out. The only other thing is that I think that middle section of Chapter 2 could be expanded just a bit. Looking forward to more.
| Sylviana chapter 2 . 8/23/2009
This is an intriguing start. I really like the name 'Isis', by the way. Just some nitty-gritty things, though: you've misspelled 'their' in your summary for 'there'. And while it's difficult when you're writing in first-person narrative, it might be worth keeping in mind not to overuse the word 'I'. That's just my two cents, though. :) I'd love for you to take a look at 'Max and Ruby', if you have the time.