Reviews for Harry McGilligan
lili999 chapter 1 . 6/6/2010
hi !

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Handbag…high quality,low to
Last Review From The Creeper chapter 18 . 5/14/2010
Darn it, I guessed incorrectly.

Although he murdered Mr. Hindson, I feel a little bad for Puff. He just wanted the money! And Mr. Hindson just wanted the drugs...because he wanted Harry who didn't want him. Sigh.

"Perhaps, in a different, more accepting society Harry could have. Perhaps Mr. Hindson would have been able to talk to Harry about it in that kind of world."

- Aw, this is a great line! And so true.

"Eventually, people began to clear. Cornelia was one of the last to leave, and before she did, she gave Harry a big hug."

- NOW, why didn't you expand on their growing relationship in the midst of this suspenseful murder mystery? WHY?

"And if anyone would be able to push forward, it was Harry McGilligan, investigator of the Hindson murder."

- I wish my last lines were as good as this one was.

All in all, I absolutely loved this story. It took me a while to finish it, and I apologize for that. Now I wish I read it a lot sooner. You made Harry feel so real, and believable.

Congratulations on a story well done!

- Morine

:D
Creeper chapter 17 . 5/14/2010
Tehehehehe- onenth.

Dark alleys are indeed very bad.

"Whenever he saw a gang movie (not that Harry was a big watcher of gang movies, but he dabbled in all sorts of film), the killing always seemed to happen in an alley."- that line made me grin.

"That was when the thought entered Harry's mind: Who am I kidding? How am I supposed to stall Puff until Pat comes?"- Harry should seduce him. Works every time.

""Sorry, Harry . . . can you hold on a minute? This is kind of important," Harry said."- Typo!

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, HE LOVED HARRY? HOW OLD WAS HE?

YOU JUST THREW ALL OF THAT AT ME. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO COME BACK FROM MY MENTAL SHOCK?

MR. HINDSON WAS IN LOVE WITH HARRY, THAT'S WHY HE STARTED DRUGS, PUFF IS JUST...A MEANIE, AND NOW SOMEONE GOT SHOT?

Morgan shot someone, gosh darn it. Not again.
You Know Who chapter 16 . 5/14/2010
Onenth

I absolutely love the idea of the shoe giving it away. It reminds me of my days as a child when I believed there was this ghost living in the staircase of my building. It was just a bloody hand, and it was haunting me. I remember this one shoe print that kept showing up everywhere, and I was convinced it was the bloody hand. Oh how twisted I was as a child.

Anyway onto the story:

"This is why I don't drink, he thought to himself, and pulled out his cell phone."

I think "This is why I don't drink," should be in italics. I don't know- that might just be me.

I already read this- but I don't think I reviewed.

This chapter was very intriguing. We now know who the murderer is, yet we're still kept on our toes about what will happen. I like the fact that this ending isn't just "The murderer is Puff". The end.

On to the next chapter!
McKinley Shenandoah chapter 18 . 4/20/2010
Oh my goodness! You are such an amazing writer and I hope to someday be as good a writer as you! Thank you for being such an inspiration! I loved Harry McGilligan!
willcate chapter 18 . 4/4/2010
okay. the story was just awesome, and i love how you were able to create suspense, drama, and the feeling of loss. It was really good. It wasn't a total cliffhanger, but it was a pleasant ending. All in all, very well wrote!
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 17 . 3/29/2010
Oh, wow. That was an awesome chapter! Great build up of suspense and I really liked the twist with Mr. Hindson being in love with him. Nicely done, nicely revealed. And great cliffhanger!
WutNow chapter 6 . 3/18/2010
WOO HOO! I'M REVIEWER NUMBER 71! (Wee.. .I just drank a venti frap and I'm hyppeer)

I read this chapter a while back but never had a chance to review, so I am sorry if this is short my friend. Overall, i thought this was a nice addition to the story. I feel sympathetic towards Harry because everything he does to solve the case isn't quite working out the way he planned. His attempts are a huge character build for him because he is not one to actually go out and make the first conversation, so I like his heart for that. He's approaching it in a very cautious way though, which is SO like Harry (bless his heart!) And I'm kind of surprise that there are not a lot of people in the park at night- here in SF there's like a party there everyday lol. Also loved how you emphasized the bread in the end- it was a nice, classic reminder that Harry was sort of famous... bread hm lol.

Short chapter, yes, but very pleasing to read because his goal at each chapter is the same: Solve the crime, the McGilligan way!

-Agent
Palm Tree chapter 8 . 2/20/2010
Not to shock you any, but I LOVE Harry. XD Just one paragraph into this next chapter and that thought was already filling my head. Everything he does is so simple and carefree. It's like you'd wish you could live like that, yet he's only able to because money isn't a problem. I'm sure there's a message somewhere in that, but moving right along.

As I was left stumped as to where he was head next, I was easily engaged by his heading towards Loretta. A whole new level of depth was added with the mention of the past, how Bob's father was less than perfect. It left me wondering if that sort of upbringing connects to the timeline of his death. Though, I do really like Loretta. She came off as a sweet woman and the information she gave was definitely interesting, but I'm again left wondering what Harry could possibly do with it. The only thing I can think of is that he'd attempt to retrieve Bob's cell phone or at least the records to see who he had been calling over the past month. Of course, it would surprise me if the police hadn't already done that, but I think I'm getting ahead of myself.

I like how the chapter addressed the grief both Harry and Loretta must feel, and it was also good to have the matter of the funeral set upon. The only thing I can suggest is possibly incorporating some more flashbacks (at least of Harry and Bob's friendship) so it's easier for the reader to understand just what Harry lost, since at this point Bob is almost as much of a mystery as his killer. Perhaps that's what awaits me in the next chapter, though.

Wrapping up, this was another wonderful chapter, and I wish you the best of luck winning the SKOW award for best non-romance. You deserve it!
Palm Tree chapter 7 . 2/13/2010
I actually noticed a few things:

("'Who is it?' called out a gravely voice from behind the door.") I think you might have meant "gravelly" instead of "gravely".

("'It happened a couple o’ times. All with in the last two months.'") "Within" would be one word.

("Who could Harry have been yelling with?") Is it possible you meant "who could Bob have been yelling with?"

But, aside from that, I have not a single complaint. Harry is so sheltered, and I love his naivete so much. He really is just an incredibly likeable character and you've done an excellent job with him.

As for this chapter specifically, I liked the beginning as you showed very well Harry's lack of ideas through all the strange ways he tried to obtain one. Talking to Morgan had to be my favorite. XD At that time, it was also pretty sad to have him doubting everything, but of course, he pulled out of it to talk to Flanders. Although, that did take a while, and you carried me through his days of persistance in a way that made the point without dragging.

On Flanders, he really is a grouch, and I think I would die if I had to go inside his apartment based on the way you described it. It was a nice touch incorporating his manner of speech into the dialogue, and as unpleasant as he was, at least he gave some useful information.

By the chapter's end, it seems Harry has something new and thus a new incentive to find the drug dealer. Even so, it also seems he's essentially right back where he started at the chapter's beginning. So... without a doubt, I'm left wondering about what'll be in the next.
SLMC chapter 1 . 2/10/2010
It was almost ten o’clock, and he went to bed at ten almost every night religiously. He read before this every night, too.

-'this' sounds a little awkward.

Fridays were laundry days, so he would be going down to the laundry room, which was in the building’s basement, in two days.

-That might sound nice if there were less commas or something.

Harry knew that lots of New Yorkers brought their laundry to the cleaners or they would have a cleaning lady do their laundry for them. But Harry—though he could very well afford to do this; he could even afford to install a washing machine and dryer in his home—decided to do his own laundry.

-Might sound better if the first sentence led into the next a little more and the tense change sounds a little weird. For instance, if it was: Although Harry knew that lots of New Yorkers liked to bring their laundry to the cleaners or have a cleaning lady do their laundry for them, Harry didn't. Harry—though he could very well afford to do this; he could even afford to install a washing machine and dryer in his home—decided to do his own laundry.

He lied on his back

-Should be lay

Many people lied down in bed after they woke up, too, but not Harry.

-Should be lie and wake because the previous sentence was in the present. The 'too' also sounds a little awkward.

It was part of his job, and just because he wouldn’t drink coffee, didn’t mean he wouldn’t serve it.

-Might just be me, but that sounds a little awkward.

But he had come to learn that the supply was useful, and he didn’t have to bake the bread as often.

-I think you meant 'as' where you wrote 'and'.

Of course, he knew how to make the bread from scratch, but he was too bashful to decline the free bread offer. But he had come to learn that the supply was useful, and he didn’t have to bake the bread as often.

-The 'but' beginning the second sentence doesn't really make sense.

When the bread was toasted, he lightly buttered it, and then spread some apricot jam on top.

-I think that's incorrect to have the comma and the 'and'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's only used when you're listing 3 or more things not a sequence of 2 events.

Everything in the newspaper is sad and depressing, anyways, he thought.

-Again, I could be wrong, but do you need both commas?

Harry walked out into the holiday and pressed the down elevator button.

-Haha, that took me a minute to figure out! I'm pretty sure you meant hallway, bot holiday.

“You really need to take aspirin, Gloria,” the older looking woman (not to say the older woman wasn’t old) who Harry knew as Harriet said, “it’ll help your back.”

-In the parentheses did you mean other as opposed to older?

Written across it in black letters in a curvy script was Hindson’s Deli Extraordinaire.

-Might sound nicer if it was 'in black letters and a curvy script' or something.

For the most part, you just need to work on tense. I might have missed some other things, but when you start editing and re-reading the first chapter I'm sure you'll catch everything and make everything flow well so that nothing sounds awkward. It's really good though and I'm anxious to read more! Also, good luck with the competition.
Rose Alexandra chapter 1 . 2/8/2010
Congratulations!

Harry McGilligan has been nominated for the Best Non-Romance Award at the Some Kind of Wonderful (SKoW) Awards.

Best of luck,

Rose

Judge, Most Creative Plot; Best Non-Romance, SKoW Awards

skow./
Morine chapter 15 . 2/6/2010
And the puzzle pieces are starting to fit together...as most do in murder mysteries. I liked this chapter a lot. There were a few typos here and there. But I found it funny. I like Sammy, nice personality.

Psh, Harry (or shall we call him Morgan for this chapter?) a druggie. Like THAT would ever happen.

:)

- Morine
Morine chapter 14 . 2/6/2010
"Harry had become a cat lover."- REALLY? Because I didn't see that coming at all. This always happens to me. I see the little update e-mail and I save it to read after my homework (because I am just SUCH a good student) and then it gets late or I forget. But...I REMEMBERED THERE WAS AN UPDATE.

I really liked this chapter. I'm happy to see that Harry is cozying up to Cornelia.

Question: Will he be making a speech at the funeral? Did you say that and I missed it? Because that's something I would do...

Off to the next chapter :D
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 15 . 1/29/2010
Aw poor Harry, so out of his depth. I liked Sammy, she seemed pretty cool. Overall, I thought this was a really good chapter - the scene was set up well and I liked Puff's insintence that Harry have a drink. And the ending was just, awesome. One thing I did pick up on though

'He wore a long trench coat that hung past his knees'

For some reason, that line just seemed a bit sort of forced and stiff. Maybe something like "the trench coat he wore hung past his knees" or something along those lines?
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