Reviews for The Cult of Shadowy Misdeeds
rsp chapter 1 . 10/7/2009
This is funny, precise and it does have a certain Terry Pratchett flair to it. Great job.

-Blue
Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 8/27/2009
This has a lot of promise. It's like Pratchett infused with a bit of cthonic dark fantasy. Absolutely develop this more.

1) "“Hold.” The commander shouted." Great personification for the storm and also an interesting note to start on. It doesn't grab the reader by the collar and drag him into story, but it does right from the get go force him to question his assumptions about the way this story's going to go. You can pull off some pretty epic plot twists if you keep the reader off balance like that.

2) "Knock. Pause. Knock, knock, knock. Pause. Knock. Pause. Knock, knock." Make this a separate paragraph and put it in Italics

3) … The old lady should totally have hit on Pinch

4) "and if you said ten… while I would still say three." well,

5) Oh man. Is Twist called Twist for reasons involving, uh, torsion?

6) The nicknames actually make for an engaging cast. I like them. Particularly Grab.

7) This reminds me very strongly of the beginning to "guards! Guards!", although it's told from the opposite side of things. That not only gives it a sort of unique charm, but it means that the cast is going to be even better band of hapless heroes than the night watch if things work out properly. Or improperly. I really, really want to read another chapter of this.
theTakeHeartKid chapter 1 . 8/26/2009
Gotta say, the dialogue was really a pain to read. Most of it was back, forth, back, forth-and after a while, you start to forget who's speaking. Try to smooth out the rhythm by adding small, casual actions between voices, or tidbits of relevant information. Don't force it, though. Dialogue should flow.

I thought the old man at the beginning was kind of silly. He was like your typical, "Get off my lawn!" type guy and I gotta admit I didn't like him, or that scene.

Knocking on the door was a chore to read. Instead of saying like: Knock knock knock. Pause. Knock knock. Or anything like that...try something like, "He demonstrated the hideout's code, knocking thrice, pausing, and then knocking twice more," and when the two others are arguing, something like, "Did he knock twice first?" "No, it was three times." Or something like that. It was tedious reading Knock knock knock. Pause. like three times.

Add a little more personality-description and meaning to the characters. So far, I know them on an extremely shallow level and I want to know them better. I felt like this was mostly dialogue, and I didn't grow attached to any one character through this chapter.

There were a couple of typos that I noticed, but I was happy to see a little bit of humor. Keep working and good luck!